Read Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us Online
Authors: Micalle A. Culver
When I complained to Blake that he had the best of both worlds and was considering only his own emotions and disregarding mine or Beth’s, he seemed unhappy for a minute, but he still took no action to change things. Then he went on about how things weren’t easy for him. Perhaps that was how he really felt. But no one can argue that Beth and I weren’t suffering more. The funny thing is, he seemed to not let much faze him. To this day, he puts finding happiness for himself above all else. We women forget to do that.
What we don’t forget is what happiness felt like, and so when we have tasted happiness and felt its high, we know where we found it. We believe we will continue to find it in the same place. Even when it seems to have evaded us or creeps beneath the sand, we just keep digging harder, and eventually we dig a hole so deep that our heads (and our hearts) are stuck below the surface. It is a slow progress. Our focus becomes fixed, and that is why when the man begins juggling wife and mistress, we are too deep to make sense of what he’s doing, not only to ourselves but to anyone.
I remember a conversation I had with Blake. We were well into our affair, and he suddenly admitted to having a few “one night stands” some years before he and I had met. “I wanted to see if I could still do it,” he told me. My friend Ian confessed that before his affair, he had reached an age where he felt he had lost some of his youthful charm. He felt a need to satisfy his ego and prove to himself that he “still had it.” To a man, an affair has less to do with the other woman than with feeding his ego, fulfilling his sexual desires, or just curing his boredom.
What seems to be most significant that the other woman can’t seem to realize is that the affair makes it
more
likely that he will stay in the marriage. If the other woman is willing to hang on, and the wife is unwilling to leave her philandering husband, then he has no reason to take any kind of action, like leave the marriage or stop the affair. Even though I lived though this circumstance myself, I still wonder why I didn’t see it. It’s been said that it’s better to
be
alone than to
feel
alone in a relationship. I think I have always felt my loneliest
in
a relationship. So why was I so afraid to let it go? Why was Beth afraid? We both were alone already.
The brutal bottom line for the other woman is this:
he
isn’t
going
anywhere
. At least not right away. If he does leave the marriage, consider his reasons. Either he suddenly grows balls and walks out the door (which should alert you to a cold heart) or, more likely, his wife kicks him out. And if it’s the wife who takes the action, then the other woman will never be confident that he truly wanted to be with her. Besides, he’ll probably either beg his wife for another chance or continue the back and forth cycle.
Sometimes as I write these words, I fear that I am coming across sounding like I hate men. Let me make it clear that I actually have more male friends than female because I find men to be straightforward, honest, and refreshing in a friendship. Men tend to take offense when women generalize them as “all guys” especially when they are courting her. But as their friend, men usually drop the guard of comparison and admit to being pretty much that—a guy. There are some men who live more in line with the good inside them, whereas others seem to be in touch with their more negative traits. Nonetheless, we are all capable of good and bad.
I have female friends who have cheated on their spouses and male friends who have done the same. I also know of acquaintances and business associates who have dabbled in the brook of infidelity. Some of these people, I believe, have fairly wicked hearts (not the ones I call “friends” of course). I can tell from their actions beyond just having affairs, there are other things they do that display their true character. Others are compassionate, if confused, individuals who have lost their grip on what is really important to them. I do not believe that a person involved in an affair makes a solid case for “bad person.” When I say “most men,” I mean most men who are having affairs. And most men are often incapable of self-accountability when it comes to accepting their part in the problems they have with their spouse. They tend to be very selfish thinkers.
Most men who have affairs seem to be running from something. I don’t think they have faced their own responsibility for the dissatisfying state of their marriage. They do not take a deep and hard look at where things went wrong. His focus is on how she
changed
. She is irritable, moody, bitchy, she no longer seems happy. She lacks affection towards him or is too wrapped up in her etceteras to notice her husband’s needs. He doesn’t consider where he might have changed in ways that allowed his wife to detach. For example, a man stops courting his wife, sending her flowers, calling her just to let her know that she is on his mind. He forgets to do the little thoughtful things that let her know that her existence is vital to him. As he becomes comfortable in the marriage, he starts taking her for granted while her reality is that the reason for her existence is to make sure he has clean underwear in his drawer and breakfast is on the table. His inattention to her leaves her feeling she is there because
she
takes
care
of
things
. She handles the majority of the children’s needs and other domestic responsibilities. Incidentally, many of my divorced male friends discovered that they developed a more connected relationship with their children after their marriage had ended and Mommy wasn’t taking care of everything anymore.
What these men fail to realize is that they brought the same behaviors into the extra-marital affair that they displayed in the courtship of their wives. Once they stop courting their new girlfriend, she won’t feel any different than his wife who cleans his urine from the bathroom floor. What I am saying is that in the end, the wandering husband is simply switching players, if he refuses responsibility and doesn’t change at all.
My very close friend Janet shared with me her thoughts while healing from her husband’s affair, “when Ian and I were first married, I got all hot and bothered every time he walked in the door. It made him feel good and boosted his ego. After some time, though, responsibility and familiarity became factors. I forgot to be as expressive. Kelly gave him that ego stroke he needed because she was new, and she gave him that stroke each time he met with her.” I suspect that over time, however, Kelly (or any other woman) would have been no different from Janet.
After a couple has been together for some time, studies show that their brain chemicals shift from intense romantic love to a calmer, peaceful connection. Some scientists argue even, that there is a separate network in the brain system for attachment vs. the high effects of dopamine found in passionate love. What this basically explains, is how a couple goes from being unable to keep their hands off of each other to developing a deeper more attached relationship through the consistent production of oxytocin.
Often times, the married man’s conflict lies between the woman who gives him ego-boosting attention and a high sex drive and the wife with whom he shares so much more—a home, children, family, friendships. What he doesn’t realize is that the frequency of sex with his lover will diminish as time passes and fall away, just as it did in his marriage, when he treats his mistress the same as he did his wife.
Sex is, after all, a factor in the affair. Part of what is so alluring about the other woman is her ability to make him feel that she is overcome with passion for him, that his sexual prowess has possessed her. What he doesn’t understand, ironically, is that one way we other women have learned to hold an ounce of control in an affair is through sex. When he begins to vacillate and question his reasons for remaining in a relationship with us, we fight to keep what we have invested our hearts into; we know where to kick things up a bit. Many times I thought to myself, “Oh, yeah, here’s something you’ll miss,” while in the throes with Blake. Whether we really think he’s an excellent lover or not, we let him believe we are in exultation. The egos of men are often simple and easy to please.
When he claims “she doesn’t give me sex,” the man either cannot see his own responsibility or he secretly harbors feelings of rejection that he’s using the other woman to overcome. He concludes that his wife has dried up like the Sahara and no longer has any sexual needs. He seems not to understand or care what a turn-off it is to a woman when she is made to feel like all that matters is the hole between her legs. When a woman feels reduced to a worthless sack of flesh used to satisfy his urges, then it becomes very easy for her to lose her desire and really not care so much that he is taking care of business while “reading” on the toilet. By the time we girlfriends arrive, we feel terribly craved, which inspires our immense and fun sex drive. But when he forgets to make us feel special, we will inevitably lose it, too, just as his wife did.
Jacinda’s ex-boyfriend, who she lived with for many years, complained that she didn’t like sex. Jacinda admitted to me that during their last year of living together, she didn’t recall having sex with him because it was all about him and did nothing for her. On the other hand, Jacinda and her married man had many wild sexual experiences. I believe this was because he made her feel like she was the fulfiller of his fantasies. He craved her and it made her feel like she was the oxygen he breathed.
While Blake and I were together, we used to sneak off during the day to unusual places to enjoy each other. The secretiveness and rush to connect added an element of excitement to our affair. His fascination with my willingness to “get down” at risky times, lead me to believe that he had a very domesticated sex life prior to our involvement. I’m also sure that Blake boosted my ego every time he said, “You’re the best.” I now know that Beth was quite untamed in her younger days, and I have to wonder if her slowing sex drive wasn’t related to his inability to please her on other levels. Maybe after fifteen years of handling every responsibility they shared, she was exhausted. She just didn’t have anything else to give him at the end of the day. Maybe her sex drive didn’t really slow down at all. When lying becomes the norm, where is the truth? What I’m telling the other woman here is that just because he behaves like you are bringing something new and exciting to his sex life doesn’t mean that is the case.
Blake and I found many odd and public places to have sex. Maybe he was just hungry for a little variety. Now a days THAT seems more likely than love, and most other women should think about that before they go compromising their reputations—and hearts.
Another woman I spoke to shared with me a revelation she had during her annual pap smear. The doctor had asked her if she would like him to run cultures, and at that moment it occurred to her that she had never considered that she might be at risk for any sort of sexually-transmitted disease. She had always assumed that because her partner was married, she was safe. Suddenly the thought flashed through her mind—If he’s so willing to do it with me, why not with someone else? We imagine that since we are giving him so much sexual time, it will keep him from not only his wife but from other women too. When we discover that we are wrong, we’re surprised. Ironically, many other women I spoke to were shocked to find out that, “He cheated on ME! His lover!”
If the main power card the other woman has is sex, then it is
highly
doubtful that he will give up his entire life to be with her. Are you kidding me? Give up everything for thirty seconds of pulsating? What he will do is continue getting what he can until she gets tired of being used and leaves him. He will, of course, use his powers of persuasion a few times, heartfelt words and acts of sadness. When she becomes too demanding, however, chances are he will move on to the next sorry victim.
If I said that affairs always end, I’d be wrong. Look at Audrey Hepburn and William Holden or other famous movie-star affairs. Look at billionaire Warren Buffet who stayed married to his wife until her death in 2004 then in 2006 married his mistress of thirty-five years. That made headlines, so I suspect this marriage was rare. The odds are much more in favor of the man, the other woman, the wife, or all of them tiring of the bullshit. In affairs where the men leave their wives, the others woman seldom makes the final cut to become mistress turned wife. In fact, according to statistics I have found, only three percent of married men leave their wives for their mistress. And of that three percent, only one third make it beyond the first year. Less than a third overall of marriages to the partner in an affair work out.
Let’s hypothesize a perfect scenario for the other woman. Her lover has sat down with his wife, with whom he has shared history and a promised commitment. He has disclosed the truth and stated that he loves the other woman. He has been man enough to own his faults and speak his heartfelt apologies. He has attempted to make an amicable break and walk out the door into a new life.
But every time in the future that he says he’s unhappy, how is his mistress/new wife going to feel? Will she feel secure? Will she feel afraid that he will reach for another woman the way that he reached for her? Does she not live with a higher risk of rejection than she would in a normal marriage? Right from the start, she is gambling with a lifetime on unstable ground. When your relationship is built on an extra-marital affair, when love begins as a secret, when you’ve watched him lie to his wife and reinforced those lies, there really is no possibility for you to trust the man completely. Regardless of how “honest” the mistress/new wife believes he is, the moment the smallest thing reminds her of the time he deceived his former wife, she will be alert for deception against herself, whether he is innocent or guilty.
Take Doug, for example. When he met Natasha, they were working together, so they were able to build up a friendship. But their friendship grew into something more when the crew headed out after work for evening toddies. “We’d all go out and have a good time,” he said. “Dance, laugh, whatever.” One night Natasha and I got to talking. “Wow,” they both said, “we have a lot in common!” Doug admits to being no different from the other men I interviewed. He says that he had no designs for a future with Natasha. He was having a good time with her and enjoying his feelings of infatuation. He had several children with his wife and they were in the process of building a summer home. While his wife was focused on this project, he was left with time to spend freely with Natasha. “We were just having fun,” he told me. “I wasn’t thinking about tomorrow.” Both he and Natasha were married, and he believes her being married took the pressure off him to be her everything. They both had lives outside of each other. They both knew the deal. But then Natasha surprised Doug with an attack of guilt. “I can’t do this,” she said. “I can’t live this life. It’s either in or out.” So Doug went home that evening and spilled his guts to his wife. She told him to pack his things and he did. Doug and Natasha spent twelve years together in a suspicion-filled, untrusting relationship. It finally broke them. Doug never married Natasha. He said something always held him back. He was looking for freedom. He wanted to have a good time. Why would he ruin that with marriage to his good-time girl?
Another case: Adam left his wife and moved in with his girlfriend. He quickly realized that he was not ready for another marriage. He was, in fact, unsure of his belief in the whole institution of marriage. Their lives became tumultuous as his girlfriend regularly moves into and out of the house. When she is not residing in the home, she sits at the end of his driveway at all hours of the night, waiting for him to come home. When she is living in the home, she waits on the couch. Adam keeps the relationship going with his girlfriend, but he’s also using his freedom to date and explore other options.
Jerry suffered a life-threatening disease. His wife stood by his side as he faced death, caring for him, preparing to grieve for him. But he turned a corner, and once he was in full remission, he began having affair after affair. He promised the world and his undying love to this series of other women, but could never leave his wife because of his sense of obligation and gratitude for her sacrifices during his illness. They also had children and assets. Eventually he left her for another woman, whom he immediately moved into his house. Then he began to complain about the new woman’s dependence. He just couldn’t seem to allow himself to be single for any length of time. His girlfriend, Haley, lived in a constant state of anxiety when she was unable to reach him. She became mistrustful and very accusatory. Though he was always able to calm her fears and assure her that all was well, she was right to be worried. He spoke to me of at least two women he had shared intimate outings with after Haley moved into his house. I am certain there are several more. But, even when she was warned, Haley refused to believe the truth. She wanted to trust him. She finally stumbled across an undeniable truth and could no longer deceive herself. Later I ran into Haley and she let me know that they were no longer together. He had been cheating on her and when she found out for sure, she left him. He had already moved the latest one into his house.