Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us (34 page)

One thing is for certain: relationships change. Some changes—like moving to a new city, buying a new home, or having a baby—are good and keep the energy alive. But some changes—the loss of a job, the death of a parent, the discovery a spouse is having an affair—are devastating. As Carter—Scott writes,

Change is not a temporary thing. You do not pass through it and then return to normal. What is normal has been altered. Change is what makes life interesting and keeps people and relationships continuously evolving. Regardless of how change comes, or who brought it about, it will be a shared responsibility to process its effect on your relationship and negotiate a new game plan. When things begin to change, everything you have learned up until that point will be tested.
¹⁷

Authentic love does not mean that life will be perfect and easy. It means that together, united and completely committed, you will face your obstacles as a team. It means that you will open your heart and break down the walls of blame and hatred. It means being able to accept your own faults when things are not smooth. It means being able to admit your mistakes without fear of being persecuted or having them pounded into you. It means being part of a partnership where both of you are able to agree to your faults and can open yourselves willingly to forgiveness. It means building each other’s strengths and uniting with understanding and love. Authentic love is the encouragement to be all that you can be without ever feeling that you aren’t enough as you already are.

The thought has just occurred to me that most other women believe they have in fact found authentic love in their affair partner and have already decided that a life without him is more painful that a life with him. She is so wrong.

Authentic love with a married man is impossible.

• Authentic love does not allow you to settle for second best, regardless how often he makes you feel first.

• Authentic love never puts you in a position to be socially damaged by being labeled the other woman.

• Authentic love does not ask you to lie, set your feelings aside, or compromise your needs.

• Authentic love would not and could not hide you.

• Authentic love postpones any involvement until the man has been completely released from the confines of his marriage, both physically and emotionally, before beginning a new life which would also take time, for proper healing.

• Authentic love is found only when both partners are whole. A married man involved in an affair is not whole. A woman involved with a married man is most likely not whole herself, nor is she receiving the whole of anything.

On the other hand, if the love in the married couple’s relationship is authentic, then rebuilding after betrayal is not impossible. It is still possible for both partners to be happy. The opportunity for a dynamic partnership still exists for them. In many ways the affair ends up aiding them in making their marriage a better one. It forces them to put a lot of things they have been avoiding on the table, addressing issues that lead to an affair to begin with.

When a woman has discovered her husband’s infidelity, she experiences not only pain she never thought possible but also fear she had not thought to consider—a life without him. Her world has spun out of orbit due to the emotions of betrayal. When we marry, we believe that we have partnered with the person we are going to be with forever. This is the person who is supposed to endure grueling fights with you without walking out the door for good. The mate we chose to commit ourselves to in our deepest, most sensitive places of the soul is supposed to be someone we also trust to expose our most private of emotions to. He was supposed to protect and honor those emotions loyally. A commitment we made in joy with a promise to endure the best and the worst of times was made with the belief that love conquers all. Once we walk down the aisle, we think we can stop worrying about never having any support and love in our lives. We walked into the beginning of the rest of our life, and we certainly spent each moment after our wedding investing in it.

When we are betrayed, when the center of our universe turns his affection to another, our pain is beyond comprehensible to those who have never experienced it. Then other fears enter our thoughts: The panic of does he love her? Will he leave me? And a fight to save her life begins. A fight which she is usually better armed to fight then the mistress.

Unfortunately, I have been so deeply in love with someone who I also believed loved me just as much. Then I found him in the arms of another woman. I know what it is like to fear losing my life partner, I know the sickening burn of visualizing him loving someone else. I know the devastation of emotions, the inability to sleep or eat, and the desire to have the couch swallow you. I have known no greater pain than those feelings of rejection and betrayal.

What I have also learned is that no matter how deep the pain, it does go away, even if my heart of hearts believes it never will. My only sanctuary is having experienced heartbreak before and knowing that in fact, time heals all wounds.

There is a whole new equation when it is not just your own emotions to consider, when there are other lives affected to the extreme. I don’t believe in being in a relationship where there is not respect and I don’t believe in hanging out and being miserable for the sake of the kids, though I do believe that children provide a great reason to work through difficulties and make a marriage work. Every parent wants their children to live in a home with both of their parents as they are entitled to. But a life with two unhappy parents is not fair for them either. Children are resilient to divorce, as ugly as that sounds. Not to say that they are not largely affected by divorce, because they are. Overall, what they are less resilient to are the lessons they learn from living with two parents who hate each other. A couple’s marriage and ways in which they interact with one another are the children’s example for all their future relationships.

I spoke earlier in this book about a fiancé I had in my mid twenties. I’m not sure if I have ever felt the depth of love for any one else than I did for Brock, not because I haven’t loved again, but because young love tends to be less tainted. The last year that Brock and I were together was very unstable. We fought constantly. I was often an emotional wreck and felt ping ponged and never secure. When I wanted him in my life, he did not want to be with me. When he wanted me in his life, I had begun to recover from his rejection and I did not want to be there. It was a constant state of tug of war. My children were fairly young then, and Brock was a father figure living in our home. One night, while I was kissing my daughters goodnight, I suddenly knew it was time to let Brock go. The thought hit me like a two by four—“If not for you, my God, then do it for them.”

I knew I wanted my daughters to experience more solid, deeper relationships in their lives. I wanted my daughters to learn how to demand the respect and love they deserve, not to tolerate constant heartbreak. It was not that Brock and I were having arguments that led me to this decision. I am not one of those who think that fighting should not occur in front of children. Contrary, I believe that a healthy argument isn’t such a bad thing for children to hear. It can teach them truths about relationships and also show that even when people argue sometimes, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is ending. What led me to break if off with Brock was the emotional turmoil, the depression, negativity, and pain that filled our home and affected my daughters.

I believe in marriage. I believe that marriages can survive an affair and go on to be a happy relationship. I’ve seen it happen more than I’ve ever seen a divorce over an affair. The ones who stay successfully married are the ones who decide to stay together based upon what they
want
for their life, not what they
don’t
want
. In other words, “I want us to find the love we once had,” not, “I don’t want to have to divide the assets.” “I want to live with my best friend,” not, “I don’t want to have to change the way I’ve been living.” “I want us to continue working toward the dreams we have,” not, “I don’t want someone else to have what I’ve dreamed of.” The ones who stay out of fear will only repeat the pattern. Fear is a weak reason to stay and offers little love, while love can, in fact, move mountains.

Chapter 22
 

Will He Really Leave Her?
 

Despite all of the very bleak odds I’ve shared, if you desperately love your married man, you’re hoping against hope that I’m wrong or that you are the third of the three percent that will end up happily ever after. I’d even bet that you’ve done as I did and searched for examples of relationships that began as an affair and ended in a seemingly happy marriage.

I was actually pretty successful at that. Every time I mulled over the negative odds, I always seemed to find a “what about Paul and Karen?” And suddenly successful affairs appeared to be everywhere.

I would let my friend Tony know about these fine examples while in dispute over my relationship. He was always a bit of a juggernaut, saying something meant to be profound like “Ya, you kind of remind me of that scene in Dumb and Dumber where the guy asks the girl what his chances of her dating him are and she says one in a million.” Then he’d put his arm around me and pull me into his chest for the final delivery “So, you’re saying I have a chance!”

Nonetheless, there still
is
a chance. So, do you have one?

Power and self-esteem change according to the stage of an affair. The expectations change or vary with women who are involved with a married man. Some do not expect or even want a commitment. Most eventually do. Some are not sure what they want, while most decide they do know what they want after getting to know him. What they want is for the men to leave their wives.

What you need to know is, are you experiencing the affair the same way he is?

Some men are serial lovers and have many one night stands or short lived affairs. A serial lover doesn’t have the ability to sustain an emotionally intimate relationship with anyone, even his wife. Being able to have lovers keeps him from getting close to either woman. His affairs keep him distant and aids in his need for the excitement of living in the moment. This person is self centered and narcissistic and has no concern about how any of the women in his life feel. Those who continue a relationship with an individual like this need to discover why it is they tolerate such inconsiderate behavior. The man who has serial affairs will not be committing to anyone. He is not going to change his ways when the “right girl” comes along. His right girl could never blend into one human. Has he had affairs before? If the answer is yes, then you are his Right Now girl, nothing else. Harsh but true.

Other affairs are flings with little or no emotional connection. Misinterpretation as to what kind of affair is taking place happens frequently in the fling. Often the partners feel there is more of a connection than there really is. The passion and excitement is really intoxicating, making each person feel heightened self-esteem and devoid of everyday responsibility and problems. An oasis exists where the lovers can escape to adoring arms. Sometimes the fling will evolve into an actual love affair but most of the time a fling is just a fling characterized by passion. To assess whether or not your relationship is just a fling, you need to ask yourself if sex is the most important aspect of being together? If sex were sparse, would he still want to spend time with you? Is he reluctant to talk about the future? If he does talk about the future, does it sound like he is making promises instead of plans? How deep is the relationship really? Is he there for you when it’s
your
emotional crisis time?

Affairs where the individuals have developed feelings of love have much more intensity but assessing whether both partners feel the same way is much more difficult. Determining what is really happening is essential to understanding what to expect of the relationship. Often a woman believes she is involved in a love affair because of his excitement to see her, the passion, the lovely words she carries with her. A romantic love affair usually includes conversation about what to do, how to handle things, and leaving his marriage because he has an emotional connection. Conflicting however, is the emotional connection he also has to his family. This is usually the type of affair where he cannot make a decision and cannot leave his lover. Ultimately, the love affair develops into a long-term affair. Affairs have an intense passion with a longing to see each other. The passion, which is like an addiction, becomes the motivational component to the triangle. There is much intimacy and they are able to open themselves and still be accepted. Commitment is the only thing missing. Are you maintaining your affair by making personal sacrifices? Do you have anxiety about sharing your weaknesses? Does he care about your overall wellbeing? Does he support your growth? Is the relationship harmful for you or does it move you toward your goals? Are you tricking yourself? Have you minimized the affect the affair has on you, allowing your thinking to be distorted?

A woman involved in an affair really needs to assess herself carefully and try to understand how she got here—what is it that lead her to have an affair? Is there an emotional need that you are satisfying through the affair? What other ways could this emotional need be met without causing yourself pain? Is the affair a way to help you cope with loneliness? Is your affair happening with someone you had a past relationship with? Are you trying to relive old memories that compete with the reality of today? Is he an important person who flatters you by his interest? Do you rely on him to lift your self-esteem by his pursuit and attention? Is the affair something you rely on to feel better about yourself? Do you have a history with unavailable men?

There are many reason far more related to a woman’s past than her present that bring her to an affair. For example, a relationship with an unavailable man could be a result of the childhood experience of winning a competition with mom for dad’s attention.

What about what’s going on in his life? Has a new child arrived? Has he suddenly become an empty nester? What changes are happening in his home that perhaps has not gone smoothly? Sometimes when couples are having difficulty working through problems, instead they reach out for another. This will typically result in only a fling, not a committed relationship with his affair partner. Is he reacting to aging? Has he gone through any difficult transitions? Is there an ongoing problem in his marriage? An affair is usually just an escape and nothing more.

If your affair has more to do with his trouble negotiating turmoil and life changes, you need to ask yourself if the affair will comfort your needs or bring anxiety and pain into your life?

Are you clinging to his negative comments about his wife? Do you believe that the problems in his marriage strengthen your chance of being together? It is to his advantage that you think his marriage is issue ridden. You will work harder to make your time together beautiful, pleasing him and removing any concern about being in a permanent relationship with you. Every complaint he has about her, you will work hard to be the opposite. If you are working so diligently to be the opposite, are you really being yourself? Humans have other emotions besides happy. Positive and negative feelings are to be expected in any person. Being with a partner, in an authentic love relationship, allows the freedom to be yourself with the support and acceptance that comes with real love.

You have probably come to believe that his wife is not a good lover and that you are sexier. Interestingly enough, studies show that men who have affairs were not necessarily looking for better sex, just different sex. You have probably come to believe his wife does not understand him. She probably understands him better than anyone. So is it her fault he is having an affair?

Because men and women view sexual involvement so differently, most women believe they are having a romantic love affair, while the man is having a fling. So many affairs are off balance due to this difference in thinking. The man may have no plans to end his marriage, while the woman is planning her wedding.

So will he leave her? The wife has more power. They have history, emotional investment, children, families, friends, accumulated memories of great experiences and overcome adversities. They have an attachment. He also has fear of exposure. Disappointment of friends is a big deal if it is someone whose opinion he values. His wife also has the most power when he feels remorse. He may not realize all that he has until he contemplates leaving her. Most husbands are reluctant to cause their wives the pain of leaving them. Many times the men are in shock over their wives reaction after an affair is exposed. They just cannot believe how badly she is hurt. They feel extreme remorse and guilt and would do anything to reverse their action.

A man, who refuses to end the affair after his wife’s discovery, will continue on in the limbo stage as long as both women are willing to hang on. There are many wives who handle the situation by blaming the other woman. She has no respect for her and she bears the burden of fault. Sometimes, if the wife does leave him over an affair he refuses to end, he will break off the relationship with his mistress when he sees his wife is serious. He only breaks off the affair in this case because it suits his own purpose. The man who refuses to end either relationship is narcissistic and only cares about how events affect him.

Does he keep indicating that he is going to end his marriage but doesn’t? Does it seem to you that he really wants this but there is always an obstacle? Does he give you time frames that pass with no action and then follow up with avoidance? He probably has no intention of leaving her but telling you this increases the risk that you will leave him. For him, having both of you is the perfect scenario. From his standpoint, you are enjoying the affair just as much as he is.

It is easy to hang on to empty promises and imagine a future together when in a relationship that is devoid of reality. Both of you are tricked by the glitter of the affair, and your affair has become a safety valve that makes his marriage more tolerable.

If he continues to make plans with his family, his future plans do not include you. If you are not comfortable asking him for answers and he cannot answer specific questions about leaving her, such as when and how, you might want to ask yourself why asking for the specifics of your future together frightens you so much? When you put your plans and desires aside waiting for something to happen and they are not, you’re getting your answer. If he changes the subject, or wont talk about it, it’s because he doesn’t want to be pinned down to a definite answer. Things are good for him as they are.

He is serious about his relationship with you only if he is open to discussion and tells you the truth about what is really going on, what he is going to do, how he is going to do it—and then does. He should seek counseling to help him deal with his guilt so that later it doesn’t resurface as hostility towards you. He then separates and is open to counseling for the two of you, keeping in mind that the best predictor of the future is the past. You have every reason to be worried about his potential to cheat on you and this is a concern he should be willing to address.

You really need to think about these questions because you will be putting your life on hold for this man. Every dream, hope, and plan for the future may be sacrificed as you become a lady-in-waiting.

Affairs have a pattern. First, obviously, is the attraction stage. Next comes the honeymoon phase where you enjoy the intoxicating passion while trying to forget he is married. After the honeymoon comes the turbulence. Arguments arise, promises are made, promises are broken, and he tries to pacify you. Finally, comes the answer to shit or get off the pot. The marriage may end but more likely the affair. If neither occurs, indecision is still an answer. You should now be prepared to go on with the understanding that he isn’t going to leave his wife. If this is not acceptable to you, prepare yourself to end things. He has two women, they each have half of a man.

When things shift from his loving pursuit and lavished attention, which made you feel loved, you become uncomfortable, worried, and afraid. You begin to pursue him wanting back the good feelings and power you felt, in turn, handing over all of your personal power to him.

Is your time respected? Have you given him control over the direction of your life? Does he make all of the rules? Do your needs go unmet because he is the priority? Do you give up all of your plans to be with him? Does he bail on your needs to meet the needs of his family? Will he leave you if you tell him what it is you really want? Is your life influenced by the fear that he will leave you? Is your self-esteem tied to his opinion of you? Do you have any power in making decisions about your future together? Are you willing to give up a relationship with someone who can meet your needs because you remain committed to a married man who cannot commit to you? Can you accept all of the limitations this relationship presents, as it is? Because believing thing will change is foolish.

If you have really contemplated each of these questions and answered honestly to yourself, and with love for yourself, I believe that everything will become very clear to you and you will know what you need for your life and what you should do about your relationship with your married man.

Please use all of your strength for follow through. I promise you a beautiful life is out there waiting!