THIS Is Me... (16 page)

  But sadness is something I’m totally familiar with, so I embrace it.  There's no sense fighting something I've always had, and so I give into the tears and sadness.
  Eventually, I feel myself falling asleep again to the comfort of my tears.

CHAPTER 20

JUNE 9

  Reading a lame celebrity mag, I'm surprised by how unattractive some actresses are without all their make-up and airbrushing.   Seeing their before and afters gives me a little hope.  Maybe with tons of make-up and endless airbrushing I could look attractive again.  I doubt it though.  I doubt I’m that talented with an airbrush.

  I haven't actually seen my ugliness yet but I feel it constantly,
obsessively
with my fingertips, and I doubt make-up can cover up an ugly texture.  Plus, it's not like I can walk around with my own personal Air-Brusher.  Can I?
  When I hear a knock on my door I inhale a big breath.  Please be Mack. 
Please
.  Mack seems to be the only one I can see without panicking even a little so far.  Even the doctors I’ve seen over and over again still freak me out a little.
  Turning, I watch Z enter my room.  Whooooosh.  Christ!
  “Hi Suzanne.  I hope you don't mind me visiting?”
  “Um, no.  I guess not.  No. I mean, its fine to visit.  It's fine.”  Babble.  Babble.  What a loser
still.
  Giggle.
  “What's so funny?” He asks with a grin.
  “Oh, not much.  I'm still a loser, that's all.  I find it funny how I can go through all these things, one after another, and yet I'm still the same loser I always was.”  Giggle.
  “I don't think you're a loser.”
  “Well then, you must be a loser too.”  Giggle. 
Seriously?!
  THIS is my big loving reunion?  Total LOSER!!
  “I'm not sure, but I doubt either of us are losers,” he smiles.  “How are you today?”
  “Good.  You?

  “I'm very well.  Actually, I'm thrilled you're awake and lucid and that you remember me.  I've been waiting a long time for you to remember me.”
  “I know.  I'm sorry-”
  “Suzanne, please.  I can't even begin to explain how happy I am that you're back.  Don't be sorry, love.  Just tell me you're back.  That's all I want from you.  That's all I
need
from you.”
  Looking at him, I'm totally overwhelmed by him.  He's just so much.  He seems to even take the air from the room.  He looks so handsome, and together, and normal, and just so like the Z I remember.
  When I begin gently crying, he takes my hand but doesn't speak. I wish I could explain this to him.  I wish I had the words.  He's the same.  But I know I'm not.
  Whispering to me, “What is it, love?”
  “Um, I remember you, Z.  I remember all our time together, and I remember the way you were with me, but I can't really
feel
the way I felt for you back then.  Not yet anyway.  Does that make sense?”
  “Yes...”
  “I remember you though!  You're so amazing Z.  But you're too much for me, I think.”
  “No, I'm not.  I'm just right for you Suzanne- I am.  Don't do this, please.  I just want to sit beside you, and you don't have to do or say anything.  I just want to be near you for a while.  I'm not too much.  I'm really not,” he pleads.
  “Okay.  You're not too much.  Maybe it's just all
this
feels like too much or something.  Please, don't be upset, Z.”
  “I'm not upset.  I'm emotional, and thrilled to see you, but I'm not upset.”
  “Okay...”

  Still holding my hand, Z leans forward a little and stares deeply into my eyes, which of course makes me turn away.  I hate that.  Even with Z.  Eye contact is just too personal.
  “Don't Z... I'm ugly now,” I suddenly shake and sob.

  Shit!  Z jumps on my bed so quickly I don't even have time to react or flinch before he's holding me tightly, while lying against my side in the bed.  Fighting his arms for a second, he completely overtakes me.  Holding me tightly, he begins shaking too.
  What a mess this is.  I don't know what to say to comfort him.  I still have no words for him.  Why can't this be easy?  Why does everything have to be so intense and dramatic?  Why can't I just have normal emotions with normal people under normal circumstances?
  “Z...”
  Moaning, “I'm sorry, Suzanne.  I have felt every emotion there is for you during the last 3 months.  I have been so low I thought I would die in my sleep beside you.  And then I've been so hopeful I found the reason to come back and sit here watching you struggle to come back to me.  I watched and waited as you struggled to live again.  But I just need a minute.  I just have to hold you for a minute so I know you’re back.  Please?”
  “Alright...”
  After forever, I feel Z wiping his face against my pillow.  And when his breathing returns to normal, I know this upset is almost over.  I just wish I had the best words possible to give to him, but as usual I don't.  I have only my silence to offer him.
  “I'm sorry for that, Suzanne.”
  “I don’t mind.”
  “No, I'm very sorry.  I think I've got all the emotion out of my system now.  I'm ready for anything you want or need.”  Huh.  As soon as he says ‘need’ I suddenly go to a dirty place.
  “Would you give me a kiss, Z?” I say so quietly I'm sure he couldn't possibly hear me, but then he moves me slowly until I'm flat on my back again while he leans over my body. 

  Looking down at me, his eyes are so shiny and beautiful, just like the pretty marbles I remember from
before-
before.
  Taking my face in his hands, I flinch for a second until he stops moving.  Slowly, he begins moving closer and closer until his lips touch mine. 
  Oh!  I forgot.  Dammit!  How could I forget this?  Z's lips are amazing against mine.  They're so soft and full, and opening my mouth, he slips his tongue inside, a slow and sexy slide of his tongue until I hear myself moan. 

  Kissing him deeply in return, I'm instantly back with him in his apartment.  I remember the love and the passion between us then.  I remember the feeling.  I remember it all. 
  Suddenly, I have never wanted anything so badly in my life.  If I could kiss Z forever I would.  I would erase my life, and forget the tragedies, through his kiss.  I would close the door on my horrific past.  And I would spend every moment like this, kissing this most amazing man,
forever.
  Moving my body closer to him, I find myself moving against him in a rhythm of sex. I want to be touched and I want to be loved. I want to be reminded of what we had.  I want to feel the passion we once shared.
  Lifting my arms to his back, I slip my hands under his shirt and pull him even closer still, until he leans over me with a leg resting between my thighs.  Rubbing myself against his leg, I want to
feel
this.  I want to have a new memory between us.  I
need
a new memory between is.
  “Z… please touch me,” I beg.
  Pulling away from my lips, he asks, “Um, here?  Suzanne we could be caught at any moment, and I'm not sure you're ready, and I'm not sure I'm ready and...
Really?
”  He looks stunned.
  “Please touch me.  I don't care if we're caught, and I'm totally ready.”
  “Ah... This seems really inappropriate, like I'm taking advantage of you.  It feels kind of wrong, Suzanne.  I don't want to hurt or scare you by touching you before you’re ready.”
  “I'm not scared, and I want you very badly.  I want this.  You aren't taking advantage of anything.  You're with me and you love me.”
  Looking at me again, Z seems to be struggling with my request.  I mean, I get it.  It IS a little odd for me to be so aggressive, but I want this.  I want Z to touch me.  I want that feeling he gives me again.
  Nodding and staring at me for seconds, Z seems to make up his mind.  Yet when he kisses me again, and his right hand touches my breast, I jump underneath him. 

  Not wanting him to stop, I begin pushing myself against his thigh harder, and I can't believe how aroused I suddenly feel.  I want him inside me again.  I want his fingers and his tongue.  I want him to enter me.  I want him to make me feel all his love for me.
  Moaning, I feel his hand move under the covers to me.  Touching me lightly under the hospital gown, I try to push against his hand. Rubbing myself against his hand harder, I'm just desperate for him to enter me.
  “Please...” I moan.
  When I feel his finger slip inside me, I'm done.  Gasping and rocking against him, I want this so badly, I don't even care how trampy I look.  I don't care if this is bad timing.  I don't care if I'm too aggressive.  I want this with Z.  I want this memory with Z.  I want this
release
of all my sadness
and confusion with Z.
  Moaning and writhing against his hand forever while we continue kissing, I feel the pressure gradually building.  I know this tightness and I know this intensity.  Kissing him deeper, my hands pull him onto my whole body as I writhe against him.
  He is so good to me.  His hands and fingers are so amazing.  He knows what to do, and he knows what I need.
  This
is what I need.
  Oh god... It's coming.  I'm almost there.
  When Z slowly pulls away from my lips and kisses my eyelid and then slowly my scarred cheek, it’s all over.  The spell has been broken.

  Gasping, my hands fly to my face trying to cover it up.  Oh, GOD!  Not my face.  He made me forget about my face.
  Bursting into tears, I push his hand away from my body and quickly flip to my side away from him as he stays still and quiet above me.  Fuck! 
Why?!
  “Suzanne...
please
.”
  “I'm okay.  It’s okay, Z.  I wish you hadn't done that though.  I wish you had ignored my face.  Why did you do that?!  Why my face?!” I moan.
  “I was showing you how much I love you.  How I don't care about anything but you.  There is nothing between us-” he tries to soothe.
  “Actually, there is
everything
between us.  Just forget it.  I'm sorry.  You didn't do anything wrong, but I need a minute, okay?”
  “Please, Suzanne, just talk-”
  “No.  It’s fine, Z.  But please give me a little time.  I just want to be alone for a minute.”
  “I understand, but I need you to hear me first.  Please listen to me Suzanne.”
  “Yup.  Go ahead.”  Shit.  I sound all bitchy, but I'm just freaked and grossed out.
  “I still see only you.”
  “Okay.  Thanks.”
  “Suzanne-”
  “I
said
thanks. 
Okay
?  Please Z, just give me a moment.”

  When I feel him climbing off the bed, I realize just how tense I really am.  I didn't realize everything was so tight.  I didn't realize I was barely breathing.  I didn't realize I was so destroyed over this.
  Watching him walk to the door, I'm scared I can't come back from this, but I'm not going to push him away this time.  I'm not!  I still want him, and I still want his love.  I just need a moment. 
That's all this is.
  Calling out to his back, “This isn't our end, Z.  I just need a minute.  That’s all this is, I promise.  I want you, I really do.  I just need a moment to deal with all this ugliness.”
  “This
isn’t
our end, Suzanne.  I love you too much to let your panic end us.  And I know you need a moment, I've
always
known when you need a moment, and that's the only reason I'm leaving right now- for THIS moment.  I'm giving it to you until you're ready for me.  But I'll be back after you take your moment.  I'll be back to love you again.”
  “Thank you,” I whisper.  God, he's amazing.
  “Suzanne, I'm the strength right now when you're not able to be, but we'll balance this out.  I need you to listen to me closely though, Suzanne.  Are you listening?”  I nod.  And I am listening.  His rich deep voice will make me
always
listen to him.
  “I see NO ugliness in you and I never will.  You're my Suzanne, only.”  Oh!  “So take your ‘moment’ and know I'll be back soon.  I love you, Suzanne.  I love you too much to let you end us over a moment of panic.”
  Crying again, I can only nod.  Who talks like this?  What man openly cries for the woman he loves without looking weak or unattractive?  What man says the novel lover words without looking pathetic?  No one!  Only Z could break into me with words like those, so beautiful and sincere; words that I actually
feel.

  Wiping my tears as the door closes; I feel my gross face again but suddenly I don't care.  In this moment, I almost believe I
am
Z's beautiful Suzanne.  I almost trust in nothing more than his words.  I almost forget for a minute how very hard this life of mine really is.

                                    CHAPTER 21

JUNE 9

Turning my head when I wake up, I look directly at Z and Mack sitting side by side in chairs waiting for me.
  When Z smiles, I remember everything from last night.  Wow.  That was so intense and so very unlike me.  Suddenly, I'm horribly embarrassed by my sexual need and aggression.
  “Hi,” I croak in my even raspier morning voice.
  “Hi, Suzanne.  I hope you don't mind that I'm here.  If you need me to leave I will.  If you need another minute I’ll leave.  I know you're trying to process everything, and that I may be too much for you just yet, especially after what happened last night.  So the choice is absolutely yours.”

  Mack suddenly turns his head toward Z with the question 'what happened last night?' written all over his face.  Blush. 
  “No. It's okay.  I thought about you all night, Z.  And I'm going to try to take my moments as
infrequently
as possible.  I really do want you in my life.”  There.  I said it.  Thank god, he seems happy with my words going by his smile.  “It's really good to see you again,” I grin.
  “It's really good to be seen,” he smirks.
  Reaching out for his hand, Z gladly gives it.  Holding it tightly while just taking him in, I think I feel happiness in this moment. 
  I'm so glad he doesn't cave under all my shit.  I'm so glad that when I need a minute he comes back to me.  I am so unbelievably lucky to have him in my life, I know now.  Not that I didn't think I knew it before, but now I
really
know it.