THIS Is Me... (17 page)

  “Suzanne, I have to talk to you about something very important.  I wish I could give you more time, but I really can't.  It involves Z, but if you'd like privacy with me he has agreed to leave us.” 

  Mack looks so serious, I'm just dreading this conversation, and I'm pretty sure I know what it is- the damage from the accident.
  “Go ahead, Mack.  Just say it.”  Shit.  I'm so scared.
  But it's Z who speaks.  “Suzanne, I need you to try to stay calm for a minute, okay?”  Ugh.  This can’t be good, but I nod anyway.

  After a huge inhale, Z squeezes my hand tighter and says, “You and I are going to have a child.”  Silence.  “You're pregnant with our baby.”  Nothing.  “Um, we're going to be parents.”  And
stillllll
nothing.
  Is this shock?  Is this what being stunned feels like?  Huh.  I feel nothing.  Actually I
feel
nothing.  Is nothing a feeling?  I should ask Mack some time.
  Mack slowly moves closer to me, almost like he's afraid of my reaction to movement or something. 
  “Suzanne?  Did you hear Z?”
  “Talk to me, love.  Did you hear me?”  Yup.  I heard.
  Silence.  Well this sure as fuck is NOT what I thought.  Jesus
CHRIST!
  Looking between Mack and Z they seem to be waiting for me speak.  Why the hell is it always me who has to react, or speak, or like,
function?
  What the fuck?  This is totally unfair.
  “Suzanne, you and I made a child, and though you've been through so much, the baby is doing well.  They've been monitoring its development, and trying to regulate your medications according to your pregnancy.  Um, that's why you physically have so much pain still.  I'm sorry, but they couldn't give you the really good stuff with the baby inside you,” he grins. 
  Is he making a joke?  Is this funny?  I don't know.  I still feel
NOTHING
!  Blink.
  “Suzanne this is a shock, certainly for you right now.  It was a shock to Z as well.  You don't have to say anything if you're not ready.  There are no expectations here, right Z?”
  Looking, Z nods with a smile.  No expectations, huh?  He looks pretty expectant, and I'm EXPECTING!  Ha!  What. The.
FUCK?! 
Giggle.

  “Well,
shiiiit...
This is a surprise.”  And that's it.  That's all I've got for words.
  “Suzanne, I know you're probably a little freaked out.”
  “Ya think?!” I giggle.
  “Please, love.  This is a good thing.  This really is amazing and wonderful, and just
amazing
...”
  “For you.”
  “For us.”
  “Yeah, right.  How the hell is this amazing for us?  What the hell am
I
going to do?”
  Sitting closer to me Mack asks, “What do you mean?  What can't you do?”
  “Well, I can't have a baby, that's for sure!”  Holy SHIT!  As
if.
  “Why can't you?  Why can't we?  I'm here, Suzanne.  I'm not going anywhere I promise, and I'll take care of you and the baby, I promise.  We're going to be okay.  I know we will.”
  “Uh huh.”
  “Suzanne, please don't do this.  I know you're freaked out-”
  “You know nothing, Z.  You don't have a clue how I feel. 
You
might think this is awesome, but I sure as hell don't.”
  “Suzanne... please.”
  “Please, what?  What can I possibly say right now?  What do you want to hear Z?  You want me to say I'm happy?  You want me to BE happy?  Well, I can't and I'm not.  I
can
lie though, if you want.”
  Turning away from them, I just need a minute to myself.  I need to feel this.  I need to feel something, but there's nothing good right now.  There is panic, and shock, and even sadness, I think.  But I don't feel anything good about this.
  “Suzanne... just take a little time to get used to this.  I promise you'll be happy.  I promise we'll be good.”
  “Don't make that promise Z.  Don't do it, because we're not going to be okay
I
promise.  How can you be so fucking stupid? 
Seriously?
  I'm mental half the time or in a coma the other half. What makes you think I would possibly want this, or that I could possibly
do
this?  I'm fucked UP!”

  “You’re not fucked up.  You’re just in shock, but that’ll pass, I promise.”

  “Okay, sure.”
  “Suzanne, look at me.  Would you like Z to leave us for a few minutes?  Would you like to talk to me alone?  It's okay.  You can talk with me about this without Z if you need.”
  Looking over, Z looks so hurt right now and I wish I cared, but I honestly don't.  Right now I feel nothing but disgust.  I think I actually hate him for this.
  Yelling loudly, I can't control myself.  “Why did you DO THIS TO ME!?”
  Flinching, Z seems to stumble over his words.  But finally, he speaks.  “I didn't do this TO you.  We did it together.  Call it an accident, call it a mistake, or call it a miracle.  We love each other and somehow made a life together.  Do you remember our night together?  Do you remember how amazing it was?  Well,
that’s
how this happened. 

  “… Suzanne, I love you, and I'm going to love you forever, and I'm going to love this child forever.  Yes, it's a shock- I was shocked too, but after a minute of shock I realized I wanted this.  I want you, and I want this baby, and we're going to be okay.”
  “No, we aren't.”
  “We are.  There's nothing I can't handle with you.  There's nothing we can't handle together.  And there's nothing I won't do for you, because you're everything to me, Suzanne.”
  Crying finally, I beg in a whisper, “Then please make this go away...”
  Flinching again, Z looks like I hit him.  I swear to god, he exhaled a huge breath and sat back in his chair.  Looking at me stunned, he seems wordless but I have to finish this.
  “Z...”  Mack tries.
  “No, Mack.  This is between Suzanne and me.  Right, Suzanne?  This is
our
decision because it's
our
child we're talking about.”
  “Z, please?  Please don't do this to me.  I really don't want your baby.  I don't want
a
baby.  Please Z, I'm begging you.  If you love me like you say you do, please make this go away.  If you love me at all, even a tenth of what you keep telling me, then do this for me.  Please make this go away... if you really love me,” I whisper.
  After a moment of silence, Z seems to groan, “Wow.  You would use my love for you against me like THAT?  That's pretty nasty, Suzanne.  I'm going to go with the assumption that you've just been thrown for a loop here, and that you're not seriously throwing my fucking love for you in my face.  I'm going to assume you couldn't possibly be serious-”
  “I am, Z.  I'm dead fucking serious.  Get this thing out of me!”
  When Z suddenly jumps up from the chair it tips over behind him, and I flinch.  Suddenly, I'm scared to death he's going to hurt me.  Shit! Covering my head with my hands I wait for the blows.  Waiting, I can't even breathe from the fear.
  “Suzanne.  Stop!  Z would never hit you, and I'm not sure why you're behaving as he would.  Are you confused right now?  You seem to be struggling with your past and with your reality right here and now.  Suzanne, please talk to me.”
  Opening my eyes, I see Z standing beside me,
not
looking like he’s going to hurt me. 

  Exhaling, I breathe, “There's nothing more to say Mack.  And I'm not confused- I'm desperate.  I don't want this and I want it out of me.”
  “NO!”  Z roars in the quiet room.
  “Whatever, Z.  This is MY body and I want it out,” I say glaring at him.
  “Not gonna happen, Suzanne.  You're just freaked out, and you'll feel better later after you think about this.  After you take another moment.”
  “No I won't, Z!  This is way more than ‘taking a moment’.  This is horrible!  Mack I need him out of my room now.  Get him out, Mack.  NOW!”
  “Suzanne-”
  “Mack, get him out of here.  I don't want to look at him anymore.”
  “Suzanne stop talking about me like that.  I'm not a fucking monster!  I'm Z!  Look at me, love.  LOOK!  I love you and I'm here for you.  I'm
always
here.  I've always been here no matter what happens and no matter what I go through with you, I'm always here.”
  “BUT I DON'T WANT YOU HERE!!  Christ...”  Catching my breath, I beg, “You're just not listening to me.  Please!  Listen. To. Me.”
  Desperately, Z moves to me trying to take my hand, but I pull away from him.  I feel nothing for this man.  I don't find him kind or attractive or loving.  I feel nothing but disgust.  And if he touches me again, I may lose my friggin mind!
  “Suzanne, I love you!” He yells, sounding all manic himself.
  “I'm sorry for that.”
  “Listen to me, please.  We can have a wonderful life together.  We
will
have a wonderful life, I'm sure of it.”
  “Please stop, Z-”
  “Suzanne, if you do this you'll kill us.  You will kill our child and kill us. I can't live with you doing this.  I
won't
let you do this.  So be sure.  I'm not above forcing the issue if I have to.  But I really want you to understand something- I will absolutely NEVER forgive you for this.  I won't.  And saying that breaks my heart after all you've been through, but I will NEVER forgive you, and I will NEVER be able to love you again after this.”
  “Z, Suzanne just needs some time-”
  “No she doesn't!” I scream.  “Suzanne doesn't need any more time with this.  Suzanne has made her decision. 
Suzanne
is sorry to hurt him, but she's making her own decision about her own body this time.  No one else gets to do things to my body that I don't want to happen!  YOU SAID SO!”
  Staring right into Z's eyes, I come clean.  “I don't think I love you anymore. I'm sorry that you've wasted so much time with me, I'm truly sorry for that.  I wish I could give you that time back, but-”
  “Suzanne.  Be sure you're thinking clearly right now because some things can't be unsaid.  And some things CAN'T be undone,” Z moans.
  “Yeah?  Well this can.  I'm sorry Z, but I'd like you to leave now.  You don't understand, and clearly you'll never understand.  So I really don't think there's any more to say between us.  I do thank you for all the time you put into me though.”
  “
Time I put into you?
  Jesus fucking
Christ!
  It wasn't ‘time’! It was LOVE, Suzanne.  I loved you!  That's what I did, and now you’re breaking my heart and destroying our lives.  Give me the baby then.  Give me my child if you don't want it, or me.  I'll love it.  I'll care for the baby.  I want this so much,” he practically begs me.
  “No.”
  “Be sure, Suzanne.  Be absolutely fucking sure about this, because I can't come back from this.  I WON'T come back.  Not this time.  I will walk away forever this time.”
  Looking at him, I say the words he has to hear. 
  “Z, you are amazing and I will always love your memory but I really need you to leave me now.  You have helped me so much but I just can't give this back to you. You keep saying be sure, and I am.  I don't want a child, and I don't want to be with you when you'll never forgive me for this.  I don't feel
anything
right now, least of all for this thing inside me-”
  “It'll come, Suzanne,” he pleads desperately.
  “No it won't.  And of that I'm absolutely sure.  You should leave now.  And I'm really, truly sorry for all this.  I'm so sorry you ever met me and ever loved me.  Thank you though.  I remember how much you meant to me, even if I don't feel it anymore.”
  “Fuck you, Suzanne! 
I'm
fucking sorry I ever met and loved you.  Marcus was right! Loving you has been the hardest thing I've ever done.”  Ouch.  Low-blow, but considering the topic I'll just have to take it.
  “Sorry-”
  “Suzanne, think about what you're saying,” Mack finally jumps in.
  “Forget it, Mack.  Don't try to change her mind.  Don't try to be the hero for her again.  Suzanne has made up her mind, haven't you, love?”  Nodding, I have no other words for him.
  “Okay then.  Good bye, Suzanne.  I truly wish you well in life, but I’m through looking like an ass for a woman who doesn’t want the love I can give her.  Be well,” he breathes while touching my hand briefly before he walks out the door.
  There was no dramatic backwards glance.  No last attempt.  There were no final words or confessions of love.  He just left, completely finished with me, silently closing the door behind him.
  Exhaling… I'm done.  The sadness is overwhelming but it doesn't change the fact that I made the right decision.  There is NO other decision
to
make.  There is just nothing.
  Crying, Mack tries to take my hand but I pull away from him as well.  I want no comfort.  I want nothing to soothe me.  I want to embrace this pain for eternity. 
  Z is gone.  Finally.  Z left, as I always knew he would.  I may have provoked it, but I was always going to anyway.  This just saved him from putting in any more time and effort before he left me eventually.  People like him shouldn't love people like me anyway.
  Crying, my whole world seems to shift.  I have a plan and I have to move forward.  I want no one else to have a say, and I want no one else to help me.  This is it for me.  This is
my
life to live as I choose.  I have to write this script with my own hand now.
  “Mack?”
  “Yes?”
  Looking up at him hovering over me, I say as clearly as possible, “I am dead fucking serious. I want this out of me.  Now.”
  “Um... It's too late, Suzanne.”  Oh!  Gasp. 

  “Then I want you to leave me with this nightmare.  Get out Mack and leave me with this.  I want to be alone for a while so I can swallow another nightmare someone else has caused me and my body... again.”
  Exhaling, I see the tears in his eyes, but as Mack nods his head and walks from my room I. Just. Don't. Care.
 

 
  Desperately, my mind spins.  There are all these terrible thoughts in my head.  There are all these terrible self-mutilations playing out in my mind.  There has to be someone who can help me. 
  There has to be something I can take or something I can do to myself.  Something!  Maybe herbal medicines, or coat hangers, or falling down stairs, or swallowing bleach.  Something has to work!  It can't be too late.  It can't!
  Shit!  I'm. just. so. desperate.  What the hell do I do now? 

  Bursting into tears, my mind won't stop spinning and panicking.  And I'm just so completely alone with this nightmare. 
  Oh god, somebody help me.  I CAN'T do this anymore!