THIS Is Me... (12 page)

  “I can't believe you're awake.  They t-told me. They said you were, but I just couldn't believe them.  I thought you were gone for sure.  I was ready for it.  I knew you were gone.  I knew you had died already so I said all my goodbyes.”  He did?  Um... not too sure how I feel about that.
  “You did?”  I question.
  “Yes, but it’s good now.  You're here.  You're alive and awake.  So I didn't make a mistake.”

  What mistake?  Holy shit, I suddenly feel more confused than I did before.
  “What mistake?  What did you think before?”
  “It doesn't matter anymore.  You're awake and I'm so happy to have you back.  You ARE back with me, right Suzanne?”
  Looking at his face, he seems kind of weird to me- all manic and desperate, or something.  He's even holding my arms really tightly.  Actually, he's kind of hurting me now.  Um...
  “Marcus, what's wrong?  Why are you acting so weird with me?  Of course I'm back.  I mean, I'm out of the coma so I’m going to be alright now, right? I mean, I know my legs are weak and my arm is hurt, but Dr. Mirabelli says I can get my body working again with lots of Physio.  So it’ll be fine.  I'll be fine, right Marcus?” 
  “Yes, everything is fine now.  You remember ME, so everything else is going to be fine.  I knew you'd remember me.  I told them.  I told them all you would remember me but they didn't believe me!  They didn't!”
  “Who did you tell?  My parents?  Where are they anyway?”
  “Your parents are on a cruise,” he replies quickly. 
  “A cruise?!  Oh… do they know I'm awake?”
  “No, not yet.  Your parents can't get off the ship right now, so there's no sense telling them because they can't get to you anyway.  But I'll tell them soon.  Don't worry.”  A cruise? 
Really?
  Ah, my mother can't get off a cruise?  As
if.
 

  “Marcus, that doesn't make sense.  My mother is, well, my
mother
.  As if she couldn't get off a cruise if she wanted to.  Why are they on a cruise anyway?  I mean, I was in a coma.  Why wouldn't they postpone it?” 
Seriously?
  “Non-refundable tickets,” he replies quickly.
  Marcus is suddenly all tense while just kind of staring at me.

Non-refundable tickets?  What the hell? 
Non-refundable tickets?
  Bursting out laughing, I'm totally shocked.  My mother is rich!  My parents are rich!  My parents are
THE
Beaumonts for Christ's sake!   What the hell kind of cruise is it anyway?
  When Marcus starts shaking me, I silence.  Why the hell is he shaking me?  I'm just laughing.  I mean, who wouldn't?  My parents would rather be on a cruise then wait around for, oh, I don’t know… their daughter to wake up from a coma?  Who
does
that? 
  “Stop laughing Suzanne.  It's very odd, and there's no reason to be laughing.”  Oh!  Instant silence.
  “Sorry, Marcus.  I’m sorry I’m laughing, but I find it strange that my parents left on a cruise when I was in the hospital.  And non-refundable tickets?  My mother wouldn’t care about that.  I'm sure she could have a helicopter fly out to the main deck to pick her up if she wanted.  Don't you find that strange?”  Giggle.
  “Well, as I said, they don't even know you've woken yet, so it's not all that strange.  And they booked the cruise months in advance, and your chances of waking were slim to none, so I'm sure they just needed a get-away.” 

  A ‘get-away’?  From a comatose daughter?  Yes, how very taxing for them to have to stare at me while I SLEPT.  Jesus
Christ!
  They are so messed up.
  “Anyway, I'm thrilled you're here, and I can't wait to get you home.  Did the Doctors say how long you'll be here?  Did they say when you could leave with me?  I've missed you terribly.” 

  Thank god somebody cares, even if it’s Marcus.  Wow.  Ooops.  That was very ungrateful, I think.
  “No, I don't know when I can leave.  I'm not even sure of all the details yet.  I know my leg and arm were hurt in the car accident, and I know I need physiotherapy because I'm not very strong yet, but other than that they haven't told me much.  But I'd like to go home soon, if that's okay?”

  Crying again, Marcus nods yes.  Taking my right hand again, he begins kissing my fingers and rests his head on my hand on my stomach. 

  Kissing my stomach, Marcus seems to exhale all his tension.  He seems so relieved that I'm awake, and so genuinely happy that I've suddenly never been more grateful for Marcus in all the years we've been together.  Thank god I have him in my life.

  “What's wrong Marcus?  You seem so upset.  And you're not usually this emotional,” I question.
  “I'm just very pleased you're awake and you remember me, and you want to come home with me.  That's all.”  Huh?
  “Where else would I go?  Where else
can
I go?”  What a strange thing to say.
  “Nowhere.  Of course you want to come home with me, Suzanne.  Just make sure you tell all the doctors and anyone else who stops by that you want to be with me, okay?  Make sure everyone knows that you want to be with me, your husband.”   
  “I will.  But what's wrong?  You're telling me things that are so common sense that I feel like they don't make sense.  Shit.  Does that make sense?  Oh!  Sorry for swearing.”  Shit!  Ugh...
  “It’s okay, Suzanne.  But please watch your mouth in front of others.  I wouldn't want you to get a bad reputation.” 
Seriously?

 
Well, there's my Marcus.  At least Marcus is still Marcus, even if every one of those
other
people keep trying to tell me otherwise.
  “Marcus?  Who are all those people?  Dr. MacDonald told me he's my personal physician, and the nurse Kayla said she's my good friend from New York.  And Kayla from work says she and I are best friends, which seems really weird.  And there’s this other man who has visited me.  Why are they coming here?  Do you know why?”  Please know.  I have got to make sense of all this confusion.
  “I'm sure the man you're talking about is Mr. Zinfandel.  He's close personal friends with Dr. MacDonald, your old co-worker Kayla, and also with the nurse Kayla.  They're a
charming
little ‘foursome’ who have been trying to keep you from me,” he sneers.
  “Why?  Why would they keep you from me?”
  “Well, Mr. Zinfandel has become a little obsessed with you...” 
  “Why?  When?  I don't remember him.”
  “I know you don't.  But he knows you and your family and he's been working with your grandfather to keep you from me.”
  “Marcus, that doesn't make any sense.  I'm no one.  I'm just... no one.”

  Staring at Marcus, I'm desperate to understand
something
around me.  Nothing makes sense to me.  Nothing!  I mean I get I was in a coma, but something should make sense, shouldn't it?

  The last I remember I was working at Petri-Dunn, and spending my evenings with Marcus.  There was no time for anything else.  I wasn't allowed to do anything else.  When did all this happen?
  Marcus looks as perplexed as I feel.  His eyes are darting around the room, and he won't make eye contact with me, not that I actually mind, but still.  What's going on?

  “Marcus, tell me what's going on, please...”
  Inhaling deeply, Marcus finally turns back to me.  Looking straight into my eyes (which I hate) he exhales on a rush, “Um, I don't know how to say this to you, but you were attacked by Mr. Zinfandel and Dr. MacDonald and those two Kaylas are his friends, and they're trying to cover it up, and they're trying to confuse you so you don't remember the truth.” 
WHAT?!
  “But they said I left you.  They said you-”
  “Do I seem like a man whose wife left him?  Remember Suzanne, you're confused right now and they're lying to you to protect their friend.” 
  I suddenly feel so scared of everything my stomach is in knots.  Everything is just so confusing and painful inside me. 

  Why would they do that to me?  Why would that man attack me? He said he was in love with me and that he would wait forever for me to remember his love.  He said we were in love.  He said we were a beautiful love story.
  Looking at Marcus, I'm struggling.  What happened?  What does that mean- he
attacked
me?
  “He attacked me?”  When Marcus nods, I’m shocked. When?  How?  Oh, god... How bad was it? 

  “Did he r-rape me?” I whisper
  “Yes, he did.  You're married to me, but he forced himself on you.  He raped you and-”
WHAT?!

  On a gasp, everything starts spinning.  Everything is moving all at once.  It feels like an earthquake all around me.  I reach for the guardrails and try to hold on.  What the hell is happening to me?
  Looking at Marcus, he's reaching for me and speaking, but I can't hear him.  All the noise is so loud in my head.  There’s so much noise that I can't hear Marcus anymore.  Grabbing for me, I turn my head and see the bad man standing in the doorway with Dr. MacDonald.  Oh
GOD!
  My mouth opens on a silent scream.  Wider and wider, my mouth screams.  But there is no sound.  There is only this chaos of noise in my head.  Screaming silently, I shake my head at the man.
  There is no help for me.  There is no one here with me.  I am alone in my head, and It’s. Just. So. Loud.  I need help!
  Looking fast, I see the bad man hit Marcus, and I see the Doctor push the bad man away.  I see them stop and look at me.  I see them watch me, but all I hear is sound.
  Staring at the bad man I remember the pain.  I remember all the ripping and the tearing and the screams and all the RED!  There's red everywhere!  I'm covered in it!
  The noise is overwhelming, and the red is blurring my vision.  I am so lost but there is nothing in me but sound.  I can't feel anything.  I can't feel at all.
  As the bad man reaches for me, Marcus stands deathly still with his hands over his ears.  He's not helping me! 

  The Doctor is beside me, doing stuff to my body and tubes and buttons.  He's touching me all over while his lips move like he’s talking to me.  Shaking my head no, I can’t hear him.

  The bad man is beside me and I think he’s yelling at me.  He is shaking me, but I can't feel him.  I will never feel him again. I will never
feel
again.

  Closing my mouth and staring at his dark eyes my sudden silence seems to silence the entire room.
  “Please, d-don't rape me again...” I beg on a gasp.
  Letting me go abruptly, the bad man steps back with his hands raised in surrender. Suddenly bending at the waist, he seems to scream in agony. 

  I think I hear him scream but watching him with wide eyes, I'm appalled by his performance. 
  Turning toward Marcus, I'm appalled by his silence. 
  Reaching out to Dr. MacDonald, I beg, “Please help me...”
  Suddenly screaming in the agony of confusion and fear again, I shake as the doctor reaches for me.

  Gasping a final breath as he grabs me, I close my eyes and disappear into the darkness.

                                               *****

  When I wake up everything hurts.  From my head to my toes I think I'm in pain.  What the hell happened...?  Oh!  Jumping, I turn as quickly as my sore neck will allow finding him waiting for me, but-

  “No one else is here with you.”  Exhale...
  “Hi, Dr. Robinson,” I groan.
  “Hi, Suzanne.  Are you in pain?”
  “Yes.  Everywhere,” I admit on a gasp.
  Smiling a Doctor-smile, she walks closer to me with my chart.

  “How are you feeling, besides the pain?”

  “Okay, I guess... What happened to me?  I’m confused about everything again, I think.”
  “Suzanne, I'm unsure of what was said to you, specifically when your husband visited, but he has indicated that he may have frightened you, which was actually quite obvious to everyone who saw you a few hours ago based on your panic-attack and the near psychotic-break you suffered.”
  “He told me that man Z hurt me and that he attacked me.”

 “Do you remember being attacked or hurt by Mr. Zinfandel?”

 “Not really, but I think I do remember being attacked, I think.  There was this feeling all over me that felt really painful and awful, and… Do
you
know if he did hurt
me?” I ask quietly.
  “No, I don’t think what Marcus told you is true.  From what I understand and from what I believe to be true, Mr. Zinfandel has never hurt you.”

 “Oh.” Okay.  This is good.

 “Suzanne, I have been involved with your case since you were transferred to this hospital, and I have worked closely with Dr.

MacDonald throughout your stay.  The details and events Marcus told you may not be as he said, and I think you need to discuss them with Dr. MacDonald.  I believe you’ll be surprised by your reality, versus the reality your husband may have painted for you.”
  “Why would he tell me lies...?” I beg.
  “I don't know for sure, but I suspect Marcus may be having his own rather difficult
issues
at the moment.”

  “Oh.”
  “Would you like to speak with me and Dr. MacDonald together?  You may feel more comfortable with me in the room because I have no past with you to cloud any perspective.”  Yes?  No? 
  “Um, okay...”
  “Good.  I'll speak with Dr. MacDonald first, and join him in your room in a few minutes.”
  After exhaling, I try to strengthen myself as she nods and leaves my room.

  Oh god… I hope this goes well, because I think I’m about to lose my mind.

                             CHAPTER 16

  Waking up alone again, I’m still unbelievably relieved by my newest reality.  My biggest reality shift being that seeing Marcus was a huge mistake. 

  I've learned from Dr. Robinson that Marcus is having his own issues with this situation and that the things he told me were not true at all.  After speaking with her, I did invite Dr. MacDonald back into my room so the three of us could speak together.