THIS Is Me... (11 page)

  “You really did, Suzanne.” 

  God, he says that with such conviction, I believe him totally, but it’s just so unbelievable that I would do such a thing.  What could've happened?
  “Do you know why I left him?” I beg.
  “I do, but I'd rather you talk to Marcus about that.  If you need me to tell you I will, but I feel like that’s Marcus' story to tell you.”
  “Okay, I'll ask him.  Thank you.”
  Nodding, he continues…

  “Suzanne, you were very intense and overwhelmed, and so scared by the events in your life that I instantly wanted to help you.  God, I just looked at you and I wanted to ease all your upset.  I wanted to be the man who eased you from your loneliness and from all your pain.  And I
was
that man for a very short period of time for you.
  “...There was such a sadness in you, and I needed to be the man who gave you some peace.  Not that the feelings were one-sided, because this time was exceptionally intense for me as well.  I was stunned by the depth of my feelings for you.  I was simply overcome with the need to protect you, and to just
love
you.  For me it was so fast.  It was way too fast and intense, and though I never fought my attraction to you, honestly, I
was
shocked by it.”

  As his words set in, I feel something stir inside me.  I’m not sure what it is, but I kind of hope it’s the return of my memories.
  “... You were just this little lost woman who I met, and within seconds I wanted to be everything to you.  I wanted to be your lover,
of course,
but I wanted more.  I wanted to be the man who helped you, and pleased you, and healed you.  I wanted to be the greatest love of your life.”  Oh My
God!

  When there is only silence, I realize Z seems to be collecting himself.  He's shaking slightly, and he’s breathing heavier, and he also seems to be struggling with all this information, just like I am in this amazing moment. 

  It's like he's trying to hold back a little.  I wish I could help him, but I'm afraid if I speak he'll stop talking, and I really,
really
don't want him to stop speaking.  This is an amazing story to hear.

  “You became sick shortly after our first meeting, but not before I had fallen in love with you.  You became sick, and I became desperate to help you.  I
needed
to make you better.  I found I couldn't even function myself with you so rapidly declining.”
  “What was wrong with me?”  I whisper.
  “Well, you were having a nervous breakdown caused in part from a bleeding aneurism in your brain, which eventually ruptured.”  Really?  Wow. 

  “It was during this illness that you remembered things you had repressed and you became more sick.  It was also during this time of sickness that you met Mack, and shortly thereafter Kayla Rinaldi, the nurse from New York.”  So that’s how I met her. 
  “Suzanne, you were just so sick, and I couldn't help you, and you wouldn't let me help you.  And there was nothing I could do or say to make you let me help you.  You wouldn't see me because you needed distance between us while you recovered, so I stayed away.  Eventually, you were saved in the hospital, and you began to make your recovery.
  “... But during this time, I was out of my mind with grief.  Um, in your attempt to get well, you chose to push me away completely.  I know you didn't do it to hurt me, and I understood your need at the time, but emotionally, I was just wrecked.  By pushing me away, you almost destroyed me,” he moans.
  “I'm sorry-”
  “Suzanne, you don't need to be sorry.  You did what you had to, and I knew that at the time.  I knew in my mind you were trying to get well.  It was just my heart that was broken, and there was nothing I could do but wait for you to get well.  And so I waited. 
  “... Months passed, and you slowly found yourself again, and then you found me again.  Well actually, I chased you down but thankfully you chose to be caught,” he grins.
  “Then what happened?”  Oh my god!  This is the best story I've ever heard in my life!

  Smiling, he wiggles his eyebrows at me.  Wow.  That was so cute. Blush. 

  Sitting closer to me, he continues.

  “The night you came to me in my apartment in New York was without a doubt the best night of my life.  You came to me well and sure of yourself.  You came to me with strength and dignity, and with promise.  I saw hope and need in your eyes.  I saw you were finally ready for me.”
  Smiling again and shaking his head, he continues.  “God, it was so overwhelming for me to be with you after waiting for so long.  Actually, I was horribly pathetic that night, crying, and begging, while so desperate for you to love me again.  I looked like a complete ass, but I didn't care.  You were with me, and I was so desperate to make you understand my feelings for you that I didn't care what I said or did.
  “...Thankfully, you weren't disgusted by my wretched display of emotion, and you chose to be with me anyway.  You wanted to be with me, finally.  We made love...”  Holy SHIT!  “... and you were with me completely.  You were finally
with
me, and I was just stunned by the fact that I had you, and that you finally wanted me again as much as I had wanted you.
  “... Um, I proposed during the throws of passion,” he says laughing.  “And though you agreed to marry me, afterward you did request a more suitable proposal, one preferably with some clothing,” he laughs again as I smile. 

  “And we laughed and cried, and held each other, and just loved one another completely, without reservation or sadness.
“... Suzanne, you are the great love of my life.  I know you don't know or understand this, and you probably have a hard time believing this but it is the absolute truth.  I would give my life to save you.  I would give anything and everything to have you back with me.  You are absolutely IT for me.”
  “So what happened...?”  I know this love story has to end- they always do.
  “The following morning we were still together.  You were mine and I was yours.  We made a promise to each other; we both wanted this new start to our lives
together.
  You wanted to be with me, as much as I wanted to be with you.  We talked to each other and we loved each other physically and emotionally.  We were together, and I was just so happy.”
  “But what happened...?” I beg desperately.
  “Nothing happened and
everything
happened.  After you promised to never push me away again, you left to meet Kayla for lunch, and that's the end.  You were in the car accident, and you've been asleep ever since.  I died the moment I got the call, and I've been dying ever since,” he states so calmly while looking at me so intensely.
  “I love you Suzanne so completely that I've become half insane waiting for you to come back to me.  And though it's not your fault
obviously,
I'm just so lost without you.  I'm devastated that you don't remember us yet.”
  “I'm so sorry.”
  “Please don't be.  You have nothing of be sorry for, and I'm still here, and I'll wait for you.  One day you'll have the memories back and you'll know this truth as I've told it.  Until then, I'll be here waiting and hoping and reminding you at every turn that I love you, and that I'll always love you.  And if we have to start over again, we will.  I'll show you my love until you fall in love with me again.”

  “But, what if-”
  “... You are IT for me, Suzanne.  As cheesy as this sounds, you're the one for me.  I love you, and I will never love another.  So keep getting better, and one day you'll remember me, and you'll know I'm telling you the truth.  You are the absolute love of my life.  You are everything to me,” he exhales.

  Nodding, there is nothing else I can do.  I have no words to give him, and really, what could I say?  He is so sure and so certain of his love, and I know no different.  What could I possibly say to this beautiful man who says he loves me?

  “I hope I remember you soon, because that IS a beautiful story.”
  “I know you will, and so I'll continue waiting.  Suzanne, there is nothing between us I won't wait for.  There is no struggle I can't endure for you.  I love too much.”
  “Thank you,” I breathe on an exhale.

  What do I do now?  What should he do now?  What the hell will happen now? 

  Well, for starters, I'd really like my memories back because if even half of what he just said is true, I WANT to remember him.  God, I
need
to remember him.
  No one has ever loved me like that, and no one has ever waited for me.  I am just me, but Z makes me sound like I'm more than that.  Z acts like I'm more than just me for him.
  “Thank you,” I whisper again through my tears.
  “Suzanne, just come back to me and you'll see.  I'm going to love you so beautifully; you will never feel confused or lonely again. You will know beyond any doubt that you have me to love you, forever.”
  “Okay, I'll try.”
 
  After a few minutes of silence, Z asks if I would like some time alone, which is EXACTLY what I want.  I need to digest all this awesome.  I need to start believing all this awesome.  This is just too much to believe at once. 
  Bending to me, Z suddenly kisses my chest, but not in a pervy way.  At first I didn't understand what he was doing so I flinched, but then I understood.  He kissed my heart.  Wow.
  “I'll be back soon, love.”
  “Okay.  Thank you again Z.  That
was
a beautiful story.”
  “I'll see you soon,” he says with a stunning smile as he briefly touches my hand goodbye.

  Watching him walk away, I want to believe him so badly, it's nearly overwhelming.  I
want
to be loved by him.  Z just seems so intense, and sexy, and stunning, really.  He's like a dream for me, a dream of such intensity, I don't even know if I
could
handle a man, or a love like that.  But god, I want to try.

  Closing my eyes, I try to picture making love with Z.  I'm sure it wasn't very good for him, but I imagine HE was spectacular.  He has that 'look at me!  I'm an intense passionate Italian super sexy lover' thing going for him.  He's like the hero from a novel who loves the woman until she can't breathe without him.  He looks like he would be a novel lover, for sure.
  Closing my eyes with a little smile on my lips, I imagine us as lovers.  I imagine us as a couple.  How amazing would that be?  It's almost too amazing to believe.  Actually, it IS too amazing to believe, but I'm going to try anyway.  How could I not?

CHAPTER 15

MAY 28

  Okay, so I'm awake AND tired again.  I know it's only been a few weeks and every single Doctor I meet explains recovery, and the slow progression back to being myself, but I'm so tired of all this work. 

  After another trip to another room- the Physiotherapy room, which incidentally is filled with mirrors WHICH I AVOIDED, I'm finally wheeled back to my room again.
  Dr. Mirabelli, the Doctor of Physiotherapy, or the DPT Specialist, has promised that if I work really hard at the physiotherapy I may have perfect use of my left leg again.  I'm not too sure about all the damage because I just can't seem to face looking at it yet.  And even though my leg is bandaged with those tight meshy white bandages a few times every day I still haven't been able to look at it.
  Apparently, the Physio is supposed to strengthen my legs, and then I'll be out of the hideous wheelchair they've been using to get me around.  I hate the wheelchair, but I can't even really feel my left leg very well, except for this constant pain that just simmers on the surface, so I need it still, because right now the pain is
almost
more annoying than it is painful.
  Resting on my bed, Dr. Mirabelli has finally left me alone.  She is very kind, but very intense sometimes.  She reminds me of the other nurse Kayla and Kayla from work with all her demands and her 'take no prisoners' attitude, but she's still really professional and nice to me. 
  Maybe she's another Kayla?  Huh.  Wouldn't that be insane! Kayla Lefferts, Kayla Rinaldi, and Dr. Freakin' Kayla Mirabelli.  I swear to god, I'd start laughing.  I should ask her first name.  Then again, if she actually IS another Kayla, I think I'd lose my mind… totally and completely.  What is
with
that name, anyway?!

                                               *****
 

 Getting comfy, I relax into another semi-rest.  Christ, I need it.  All these physical exertions and tests, and mental tests, and emotional exertions have worn me out.  Closing my eyes, I'm ready to sleep until I hear the door open again.  Argh...
  Turning my head- MARCUS!
  “Marcus!  Where have you been?”  Oh my god!  He's finally here!  The relief I feel is overwhelming.  Bursting into tears, I reach out for him as he races to my side.
  “Suzanne, I'm here.  I'm so sorry, honey.  I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you woke up.  There was a situation I was in the middle of but I tried to get away.  I swear I tried!  I just couldn't get away until now.  They wouldn't let me until now!”

  Grasping his arms as tight as I can (which really isn't very tight) I weep on his shoulder while releasing all the tension and confusion I’ve endured since my awake.
  “I'm so glad you're finally here.  What the hell is happening?  All these strange people are visiting, and Kayla Lefferts from work is saying all this strange stuff, and there's a really nice doctor, and this other guy...”  Ooops.  Don't go there!  “Anyway, I'm so confused all the time.”
  “I know, honey.  I know.  I'm so sorry and I really did try.  But I'm here now.  Oh god, I'm so glad to see you awake.  I've missed you so much.  You are everything to me, Suzanne. 
Everything!
”
  Marcus is suddenly just sobbing all over me.  His breath is hitched, and his sobs are mixed with groans of agony.  He sounds terrible.  THIS is terrible.
  “It’ll be okay, Marcus.  I'm awake now,” I say while patting his back.