THIS Is Me... (6 page)

  Oh god, Marcus sounds like he’s moaning.
 
“What are you talking about Marcus?  What are you singing?”
  “… and  you  know that she's half crazy, but that's why you want to be there...”
  “Marcus what are you doing?”

  Oh my god... I love this song.  Why is Marcus singing it to me?  Why is he singing?  Marcus only sang this song once to me.  One time on our honeymoon, Marcus sang 'Suzanne' and I wept and asked him to stop. 

  Marcus knows he can't sing this song to me.  Marcus knows I can't hear this song.  

  This song is too much for me.  This song is too
beautiful
to me.  This song is too beautiful FOR me.  I have always known I wasn't enough for him.  I have always known THIS Suzanne wasn't great enough for Mr. Cohen’s Suzanne.

  Why is he doing this to me?!
  “
Marcus, you're talking a little strangely right now.  Would you like to go get a coffee with me?  Why don't we just go grab something from the cafeteria for a few minutes?  We can come right back if you'd like.”
  “No, I'm fine.  But you're not going to be.  You have exactly 10 seconds to get the hell out of my face Kayla before I make your life a living hell!  Do you understand what I'm saying to you?  Do you HEAR ME, Kayla?”
  “Are you threatening me, Marcus?”
 

  Holy SHIT!  What the hell is happening here?
 
“Yes I am, Kayla.  So get out now, before I fucking hurt you like I'm going to hurt Suzanne.”
  WHAT?!
 
“Okay Marcus, I’ll leave.  And thank you.”
  “Thank you
for WHAT?! 
You think I'm just an asshole and a monster.”
 
“Yes I do.  But you just gave me the ammunition I needed to stop you, so thanks for that!  You fucking dickhead!” 
WHAT?!        
 
“Kayla, what are you talking about?  It's too late!”
  “No, it isn't!  HELP!  Security!!  HELP ME!!!”
 

  Holy SHIT!  Why is she SCREAMING?!  Oh god…
  I'm so tired from trying to pay attention, and listening to her screaming is deafening.  Listening to Marcus yelling is exhausting. 

  What's he going to do to me?  Did he hire someone to kill me?  Why would he talk so casually about killing me?  I'm a good wife and a good person.  I do everything right.  And Marcus is proud of me for being good.  So what’s HAPPENING?
 

  OH!  My mother IS here- I can feel her.  She's brushing my hair, and she's smiling at me through the mirror again.  Ugh, I can see her bony skeleton hands again.  There they are- so white and so thin. 

  Dammit, my mother’s hands are around my throat again.  My mother’s hands are choking me again. 
  Slowly, I feel the pressure as her smile widens.  Slowly, I feel her thin fingers pushing into my skin again.  Slowly, I feel her fingers tightening around my throat again.  Slowly, I feel the panic...
Again.
  Why does she always do this to me? I mean she always stops, so why even do it?  It makes no sense to me. 

  I know she knows I'm scared.  I know she knows she scares me.  I know she knows I'm afraid of her every time she does this to me.  But she always stops.  When my eyes close and I push out a hard breath, she
always
stops strangling me. 
  Oh god, why does she stop?  I don't get it.  Just do it already!
  Still squeezing, my breath is getting harder and harder.  Oh!  Maybe this time she won't stop.  Huh. 

  This time she seems like she really wants to keep going.  This time I'm really, truly panicked.  Maybe this is finally the time she doesn't stop.

  Wait!  This time I don't want to close my eyes and stop fighting.  This time I want to see her smiling at me.  This time I want to watch my mother kill me.

  With a gasp, I open my eyes.
 

  And staring at Marcus' twisted face, I'm stunned back into my darkness as chaos explodes around me.
 

ASLEEP

CHAPTER 8

MAY 11

  “Suzanne, its Kayla.  Wake up for me again, okay?  I want to talk to you for a minute.  I just need a minute and then I'll let you go back to sleep.  Please talk to me so I know you're really awake, and then you can go back to sleep, I promise.”
  Wow, how strange is that?  Who wakes someone up just to let them go back to sleep?  Why would I even bother?
  “Suzanne, I've been waiting a long time for you.  We all have.  Can you try to wake up again and look at me for a minute?  Marcus is gone, so you're safe now.  And Mack is on his way.  Mack should be here with Kayla in a few minutes.”
  Opening my eyes, I try to see through the haze, but everything is really bright.  It's like I'm blinded by sunlight.  I feel like my face is toward the sun on a hot day.  I feel like I can close my eyes and still see the dark shape of the round sun shining behind my eyelids.
  “Suzanne…” she whispers.
  Trying to blink away all the bright, I look closely at the blurry face in front of me.  Who is she?  And why the hell is she crying AND smiling?
  “God, Suzanne… welcome back.  You scared the shit out of me, and I'm trying not to yell at you here.  Well, not yet anyway.  I'll yell at you a little later, okay?”  Huh?
  Staring at this woman, I'm at a complete loss.  I don't know her, but she seems to know me.  What the hell is she talking about?  Why would she yell at me?  I haven't done anything wrong yet.

  “Suzanne, its Kayla.  Can you see me alright?  Can you try to speak to me?  The feeding tube was just removed, and the doctors are waiting outside to talk to you, but I wanted to talk to you first so you weren't scared.”
  What doctors?  Crap!  Am I in a hospital?  Shit.  I hate hospitals.  Trying to turn my head takes forever, but eventually I see.  Yup, I'm definitely in a hospital, though it looks quite nice.  This room doesn't seem like a hospital room much, well, except for all the hospitally-type stuff everywhere.
  “Suzanne, can you please say something.  Just say hi if you can, and I'll leave you alone.”
  God, my throat is killing me and I haven't even spoken yet.  I know it's going to hurt more as soon as I try to speak, but she looks so happy to see me; I really should try to speak to her.
  Clearing my throat, which just
kills,
I whisper, “hello...”
  “Oh GOD Suzanne, Hi!  Jesus
Christ!
I never that I'd be so glad to hear your voice again.  How do you feel?  We only have a minute here because the doctors have to talk to you and examine you, but I'm so glad to see you awake.” 

  Bursting into tears, the woman is just beaming at me.  Jeez... Who is she?  And holy annoying accent.
  “Are you a nurse?” I whisper.
  “Suzanne, it's me Kayla.  Can't you see me?”
  “Yes, I see you.”
  “Suzanne, it’s New York Kayla.  Remember me?” 
  When she looks at me so expectantly, I kind of feel bad for her but I don't think I know her though.  Looking hard, I'm sure I don't know her at all actually.
  “Suzanne, we're friends.  I'm your very good friend Kayla Rinaldi, and I love you very much.  We've known each other for a while now, and we're very close friends.  Do you remember me?  Do you remember Mack, and Chicago Kayla, and Z?  Do you remember Marcus?” Oh!

  “Where's my husband?”  I kind of groan.  God, my throat really is on fire.
 

  “Marcus?  Um, he's tied up at the moment.  He'll be here shortly though, I'm sure.  Ah, do you remember me and Mack, and Kayla?  Do you remember Z?”
  Isn't she Kayla?  I swear she said her name was Kayla.  What the hell is going on here?  But before I can ask her the door pushes open and interrupts us.  Turning my head slowly, I see 2 men walk into my room.  Holy shit!  2 men! 
  “Suzanne...” 

  I can't help my flinch.  Why am I so scared suddenly?  What's happening? 

  “Suzanne you're safe, I promise.  No one will hurt you here.  These doctors just need to examine you and talk to you.  You've been asleep for a long time, and they have to check you out a little.”
   Panicking, I quietly beg, “Please don't leave me with them. 
Please...
” 

  Oh god, I can't be alone with 2 men.  Why am I so scared?  Shaking, I hear my teeth chatter as nausea overwhelms me.  Suddenly throwing up all over myself, I can’t help it.  I wasn’t able to move my body very well.  But as I start panicking again at my slow movement the woman reaches for me in a tight hug.
  “Suzanne, look at me.  You're okay.  You're safe, I promise.  I'll stay here with you if you want, and Mack will be here soon. These doctors won't hurt you.  They just need to run some tests, and they need to talk to you a little.  I'll stay right here though if you want, I promise.  Suzanne, you’re okay.” 
  When the woman takes my hand and rubs my back with her other hand things suddenly feel a little better.  Breathing slowly, my chest isn’t as tight as it was.  Closing my eyes, I even
feel
a little better as she holds my hand.

  When I open my eyes 2 women have joined the men.  Oh, thank god.
  “Suzanne, please stay with us.  This is Dr. Cobb and Dr. Robinson, and they've been watching over you while you slept.  They won't hurt you, I promise.  No one will.”
  Opening my eyes, one man is leaning close to me with something in his hand.  Oh god!  Flinching, I close my eyes again. I can't do this!  They can't do this!  Why is this happening? 

  There's something wrong but I don't know what it is.  I don't know what's wrong, but I hate it!  I can
feel
something is wrong and I can't do this! 
  Please fall asleep. 
Please…
I just need to sleep again.  I don't want to know this.  I don't want to feel this.  I don't want any of this anymore.
  “Suzanne!” 

  I can't stop this.  I can't talk to her and I can't talk to them.  My body is shaking, and I hear the voices all around me, but I can't do this.  There is so much noise and movement all around me.  Oh, god… I think people are touching me. 

  I swear I hear my name again through the noise.  I know she's yelling to get my attention, but I can't do this.  I won't do this!
  “NO!” I shriek as loud as I can even as my throat screams in agony.  I think I must have torn my throat wide open.  Maybe they cut my throat open.  Maybe they squeezed my throat for the last time. 
  I don't know what to do anymore.  Shaking and gasping, I try to ignore them.  I don't want to hear this.  I don't want to feel this.  Oh my god!!  They're going to kill me again.
  After a last thought of death, I feel myself falling. 

  I know I'm falling far away. I just need to sleep away this death.  I need to sleep through this fear, and then it will finally be over.  I need to sleep away this life again.
 

CHAPTER 9

  “Suzanne, its Mack.  I'm here, Suzanne.  I'm here with you in the hospital.  You can open your eyes now.  I know you're awake and I know you woke up a few minutes ago.  Come on, Suzanne, wake back up for me.”
  I really don't want to.  Waking up was so loud.  There was all that noise and yelling and struggling, and just stuff going on around me.  I don't want to wake up again.  I think I prefer the never-ending dream I was in.
  “Suzanne, I know you're awake and just faking sleep.  I can tell- I've watched you sleep far too many times to not know when you're faking it.”  Wow.  That sounds creepy.  “Why don't you want to wake up now?  You are completely safe with me and I need to talk to you.  We're alone, and I really, really want to talk to you for a minute.  Please, Suzanne.”
  Ugh.  This is so annoying. Nobody shuts up around here.  They all just talk and talk.  Shit.  Hasn't anyone heard of, like, meditation or something?  Just sit quietly and shut the hell up for a minute.  It's like they can't deal with quiet.  Well I can.  I love quiet.  Quiet lets me know I'm safe. 
What?!
  Opening my eyes, I'm nearly blinded by the light again.  Everything is just so bright and blurry suddenly.  I don't remember this from last time I woke up.  Hey!  Where's Marcus?
  “Marcus?”
  “Ah, no.  Marcus had to leave for a little while.  I'm sure he'll be back soon though.  I know he really wants to see you, so I'm sure he'll be back soon.”
  Turning, I'm curious about the voice I keep hearing. 

  Oh!  He doesn't look like I thought he would.  This man’s voice is so nice sounding.  His voice is very calm and soothing, almost soft-like.  I thought he would be short and round with glasses maybe.  I don't know.  He doesn't sound at all like he looks though.
  Smiling at me, the man takes my hand into his own, but I really want out of his grasp.  Trying to pull away, I try until I see his frown.  This guy is very good looking.  He's very attractive, and I feel
very
uncomfortable holding his hand.  Why won’t he let go?
  Pulling away from him again, the man finally let’s me free.  Slowly sliding my hand across the bed feels like it takes me a lifetime, but finally, my hand is just mine.  Finally, I'm not being touched.
  “Welcome back, Suzanne.  It's so good to see you awake.  I've been waiting for-freakin-ever for you to wake up,” he grins.
  “Oh, okay.  Sorry, sir.”  When he frowns again, I realize I've said something wrong.  “Um, sorry to make you wait, sir.”
  “Mack.”
  “Oh, okay.  Are you a doctor?” 
   Dammit, now he looks all he all stressed again.  I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but I'm really trying here, and he looks like everything I say is the wrong thing.  I should probably stop talking now because silence is always safer for me anyway.
  “Suzanne, do you remember me?  I'm Mack.  Do you remember me as your doctor, Mack?”
  “No, I'm sorry sir.  How long have you been my doctor?”
  As he lets out a hard exhale, I feel like I'm in trouble.  Ugh, what do I say now?
  “You’re safe, Suzanne.  I'm not mad at you, and you're doing nothing wrong.  I'm just a little surprised that you don't remember me.  We're very close friends, you and I.”
  “I thought you were the doctor?”
  “I am YOUR doctor, but I'm also a close personal friend of yours.  I've been waiting for you to wake up, and I thought you would remember me.”
  Looking hard at him, I try to remember.  He is very handsome.  He's dark haired with lovely eyes, hazel greenish-brown I think.  He has a warm smile and he doesn't look mean at all.  I wish I could remember him because he looks like a nice person to know.
  “I'm sorry...” I mumble shaking my head.
  “That's alright, Suzanne.  There’s no need to apologize.  You’ve just woken up, so you probably need a little time for the memories to come back to you.”
  “Um, okay.  Sorry that I don't remember you.”
  “Please, Suzanne, don't apologize.  Everything is going to be alright, and you're going to get better.  I'm sure your memory will return to you shortly.  We'll just talk a little, and see what you do remember.  Is that okay with you?”
  “Sure.  But where's Marcus?  Is he here?”
  When the doctor looks all confused again and kind of mad at me, I'm scared that I'm making him angry with me.  Shaking his head slightly, he puts on a horribly fake smile, and lies to me.  Somehow, I can tell.  I'm not sure how I can tell, but I totally can.
  “Marcus was here earlier, but he had to leave for a little while.  I'm sure he'll be back as soon as he can though.  Do you remember seeing him when you woke up?”
  “No.  He was here? Why did he leave me when I woke up?”
  Smiling, the doctor says, “Marcus was overwhelmed when you finally woke up, so he just needed some time to collect himself.  Everything's fine though.  I'm sure he'll be back as soon as he can.”
  I don't know what’s happening here.  Why would Marcus want me awake, but then leave when I wake up? That doesn't make any sense.
  “Was he mad at me?” I whisper.
  “No.  Not at all, Suzanne.  Marcus was just emotional when you woke up.  You've been asleep for quite a while now, and I’m sure he didn’t think you would wake up today, so he was a little shocked, that's all.” 
  “Why was I sleeping?  I remember dreaming forever.  It was the longest night of my life, I think.  Oh!  Where am I?”