The Harder I Fall (10 page)

“I’m going to live with them?”

“Yeah, if you’re okay with that you will,” I said. “If, for any reason, you’re not okay with it, then you and I will figure something out here.”

“No. You need to be in school. This is all a little nuts, but I’ll do it. What do I have to lose, right? It couldn’t be worse than living with mom.” He laughed.

We spent a while longer talking and catching up before joining the others.

“What else have you been doing while I’ve been gone?”

“Normal stuff.” He shrugged.

“Nothing else like selling drugs right?”

“No, nothing else like that. Just school, and trying to find a job to help pay for things. When it was clear mom wasn’t going to go look for something, I tried my hardest to bring in some money. Not a lot of people would hire a fifteen-year-old, especially one with Langer for a last name.”

It bothered me now more than ever that people judged us by who our parents were. Chad had always been a good kid, and it hurt me every time he wasn’t invited to a birthday party, or asked to come play after school. I was glad he was getting a fresh start. He deserved it.

The rest of the day was spent getting Chad packed up and letting him get to know the Kleins. We were due to fly back to New York the next morning.

Levi and I were back in our room at the hotel, Chad was in one of his own, and the Kleins were staying in a hotel by the airport.

“How are you feeling about everything?” Levi asked me. “We haven't really talked much since the situation with your mom.” He patted the bed next to him and I joined him.

“I’m sort of numb, I guess. On the one hand, I finally told her everything I have always wanted to say, so that feels good. On the other, it was hard having her not be even slightly upset by us leaving and never coming back. She didn’t even cry, just watched me go.”

“I’m sorry. I honestly don’t know what to say that would make you feel better.” He hugged me close.

“You don’t have to say anything. I’m more relieved than anything. I never have to see her again.”

“How do you think Chad is dealing with all of this?” he asked.

“Good, I think; he didn’t say much when we were packing. He seems excited about moving to New York.”

“My mom is so excited to have someone under eighteen living in the house again. She was never happier than when Seth, Joseph, and I were all under her roof.”

“You have another brother?”

“Yeah, Seth is the oldest, then Joseph, and finally me. He lives in England and runs the European side of the business.”

“So Joseph is the oddball who doesn’t work for the family?” I said.

“He actually does; he’s the family lawyer. When you’re as big of a company as we are, its integral to have an in-house team of lawyers. He heads up the division.” Knowing Chad was going to be with such good people made my heart happy. They really were amazing. I could tell he would be loved. He deserved so much better than he was ever given.

“Does it feel like it’s been at least a month since we left school?” Levi said suddenly.

“Yes! I feel like it’s been way more than five days. It will be nice to get back into my routine of studying, work, and dancing.”

“Don’t forget to make room for me in there.” He grinned.

“I could never forget you.”

“Here, let me make sure of that.” He trailed a line of kisses down my neck to my collarbone. I shivered as goose bumps covered my skin. His lips finally made their way to my own and I took the lead for once, diving into the kiss, but a knock at the door interrupted us.

“I should get that.” He reluctantly got up.

It was Chad. “Am I interrupting anything?” he asked.

“No, of course not; come on in.” I waved him in. “What’s up?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Want to watch a movie?” I patted the bed next to me. I looked at Levi, who was getting his shoes on.

“I’m going to run to the store. I’ll be back with some junk food.” He blew me a kiss and left us alone.

“Okay, spill it.” I faced Chad in the bed.

“What if I screw this up?”

“You won’t,” I said. “This is a new start for you. You can be anything you want. Don’t let everything that’s happened to us ruin you forever.”

“I’m just a little scared. All of this is happening so fast. I don't even really know them that at all.”

“Say the word and we’ll figure something else out. I don’t ever want you to feel weird about any of this.”

“Becs, you aren’t my mom, and you deserve a life, too.”

“I know I’m not your mom, but I’m your only family. I never want you to feel like I don’t want you.”

“I have never felt like that,” he said. “You gave up so much for me, and would have given up more if I’d let you.”

“You’re everything to me; there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” I hugged him tightly.

“So, tell me about Levi. I never would have imagined you’d have a boyfriend. You were always so serious and focused on ballet.”

“I still am.” I laughed. “He just wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“He seems like a good guy.”

“He is; he makes me get out of my head and experience life. Between him and my roommate, Sadie, I will have the college experience.”

“You seem different, lighter,” my brother noticed. “Like you aren’t carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

“I guess that’s sort of true. Now that you’ll be in New York, I have less to stress out about,” I replied.

“I’m just happy to see you smile again. It’s been too long.” He was right; I had spent my whole childhood being sad, and taking care of him and our mom. I never had a chance to be happy.

“Okay, what should we watch?” I asked.

“Nothing. I’m going back to my room. You and Levi have fun eating junk food and watching whatever.” He kissed my cheek and left.

Levi came back five minutes later, carrying bags of soda and junk food. “Chad left?”

“Yeah, he just needed a pep talk.”

“He going to be okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just a ton to take in all at once.”

“What do you want to watch?” He kicked his shoes off and hopped on the bed next to me.

“Anything.” I snuggled against him.

We settled on one of the superhero movies that had come out in the past year. I couldn’t say what it was about because my eyes got heavy at the very beginning. The next thing I knew it was morning and Levi was telling me to get in the shower. “Come on, sleepy; get a move on. Plane takes off in an hour.”

I reluctantly rolled out of bed and went straight into the shower. I never felt truly awake until I had a shower. By the time I came out, though, I was fresh as a daisy and ready to roll.

We all met up at the airport. Chad had been quiet since the hotel. I squeezed his hand as we walked up the steps into the plane. “Just remember, this is your fresh start; make it what you want it to be,” I whispered.

He smiled and straightened his shoulders.

Levi and I sat toward the back of the plane, and Chad and the Kleins sat up front. I was happy to see him smile and laugh. Really, I was just happy to see him look young and carefree. I hoped this would be what he needed.

Flipping through the texts on my phone before the plane took off, I saw that I had about a zillion new ones from Sadie wondering where I was, and why I wasn’t answering her. “Sadie is freaking the f out.” I put my phone on the tray table.

“She’ll get over it.”

I laughed. “I’m sure she will; it’s the before she’s over it part I’m not super excited about.”

“What are you plans for tomorrow?” Levi asked.

“Work, hopefully, if I still have a job, and some ballet. Probably some studying in there, too. I’m way behind on a paper that’s due the first week back. I had planned on getting it done over the break, but now I’m sure it won't happen. Ugh, I really hate being off schedule.”

A slow smile spread across his face.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re cute when you get all panicky like that.”

“I was not panicky!”

“You were, but it’s okay; it was cute. Your job will still be waiting for you when you get back.”

“How do you know? I didn't even call them to tell them I was going away. I texted my boss, but didn’t hear anything back.”

“I did. I told them you had a family emergency and had to leave in a hurry,” he said. “It’s all fine. Your boss said not to worry about it, and that it was their slow time anyway because everyone is gone for the holiday..”

“How are you always this amazing? You think of everything all the time. You have to have something wrong with you,” I said. “Do you have like a tail or something?”

He snorted. “A tail?”

“Yeah, like one of those small tails some people are born with. Or do you have a third nipple or something else weird?”

“Why do you want me to have something weird?”

“So, I would feel more normal.”

“You don’t need anything at all to be more perfect than you already are. Besides, normal is overrated. Awkward and weird is where it’s at.”

The rest of the flight went by as quickly as a cross-country flight could go. We all watched movies together and talked. I found myself drawn to Ruth; she was the mother I’d always wanted but never had. She was in Heaven mothering Chad. They were going to enroll him in school as soon as they could. She asked him a million questions about things he liked, and how he wanted his room to be decorated.

It was nice to see what a normal family was like. Samuel and Levi were in heated conversation about something off on one side of the plane, and the rest of us were gathered around the screen watching a movie. It felt nice, and I was terrified to let myself get used to it.

R
OUTINES AND SCHEDULES; THAT’S WHAT
made me happy. When I had my schedule down - ballet, school, work, studying, and Levi I was at ease. Screw that up? I was lost. I was furiously trying to catch up on all of the studying I’d missed while I was gone when Sadie came back on Wednesday.

“Oh, so you
are
alive?” she asked sarcastically.

“Sorry, it’s just been a little nuts.” I had texted her when we got back, but not since then.

“Explain.” She sat on her bed and stared at me. I took a breath and launched into everything that had happened over the break. “I’m kind of at a loss for words. That’s insane.”

“I know. I’m still reeling.”

“How is Chad handling such a huge change?” she asked.

“So far so good. He’s in Heaven at the Kleins’ house. They have an indoor pool, and all he’s been talking about is how he gets to swim in the wintertime. They also have a full video game setup, so you can imagine he’s got it made.”

“Are you comfortable with all of it?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “The Kleins are kind of awesome, and now I can see Chad whenever I want.”

“There’s the plus side of all of this. You don’t have to feel guilty for living your life anymore. Chad is taken care of now.”

“I know; it’s such a huge relief.”

“I’m really happy for you. Everything seems to be fitting together the way it should,” she said.

I was happy, too, but part of me was waiting for something to go wrong. Things didn't just go well for Chad and me. I couldn't help but wonder when everything would crumble around me.

“By the way, I have a whole new wardrobe to unpack,” Sadie announced. “My mom went a little nuts buying me stuff when I was home. Not that I’m complaining.”

I watched as she took out a mountain of clothes and hung them up in the closet or folded them and put them in her dresser. She chattered away about everything that had happened while she was home. “Julian called me every day; he said he missed me like crazy!” Her smile was contagious.

“When does he get back?” I asked.

“Tonight. I can't wait!”

I was glad she was back; she was so full of energy and life. It rubbed off on me sometimes. “Hey, I’ve got to run,” I realized. “I’m meeting Caroline to dance in a few minutes.”

Sadie was in the closet and called out a goodbye. Grabbing my leotard, tights, and shoes, I ran for the bathroom to change before racing off to meet Caroline at the studio. She was waiting outside for me with a huge smile on her face.

“Hey, did you have a good break?” I asked her.

“I really did, but I’m excited to be back at school.”

We chatted for a few minutes while we laced up our shoes. After warm-up at the barre, we did pirouettes as a pair across the floor, and petit jetes. I loved dancing with her; we complimented each other so well.

I let her go first, and sat down to watch her dance. Caroline was so graceful; her turns were like magic. She was all long lines and beauty. I smiled as she danced, and I realized that, for the first time in my life, I had a friend who understood how important dancing was. She got it. I didn’t have to explain it, or justify it. She just got it.

“What did you think?” she asked when she was done. “I didn’t have much chance to dance while I was home.”

“You are so beautiful to watch. I think you have some areas to work on, but they are so small. When you do that last turn, stay elevated; you were dropping down.” I got up to show her what I meant.

We danced for another hour, laughing and talking through all of it. Renatta came in towards the end of our time together. She stood off to the side and watched us. “How did we do?” I asked her.

“You both are truly amazing together. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but I’d like to put something together for you in February. A duo showing maybe. What do you think?”

“Really? That would be so awesome. I would totally love that.” Caroline bounced excitedly next to me.

“Becca, what do you think?” Renatta asked.

“I would be honored to dance with Caroline. Do you have something in mind?”

“No, I think you both should choreograph it.”

My mind raced with the possibilities. Caroline and I made plans to meet up the following day after work to discuss everything. It was cold out when I left the studio. I bundled up in my coat and started walking back as the first flurries of snow began to fall. I walked slower so I could enjoy the first snow of the year. I had always loved snow; something about it was so magical.