The Harder I Fall (8 page)

“You’re here to see Langer?” a new man said from the doorway.

“Yes.”

“Come on.” He motioned for me to follow him. The room he took me too was wide open with a bunch of picnic tables scattered around. “Sit anywhere you like. We’ll bring him out in a bit.”

The waiting was the worst part. I kept wondering what I was going to say to him when they brought him in. I sat on a cold metal bench waiting for what felt like forever. When they finally brought him out, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He had grown since the last time I’d seen him; he was taller than me now when we used to be eye to eye.

“Don’t cry,” he whispered from across the table.

“Chad…” I choked out his name. “I’m so sorry.”

“This isn’t your fault. I made my own choices.”

“Why? Why were you using?”

“I wasn’t. I was going to sell them. I needed the money. The bank is going to take the house. Mom was laid off pretty much right after you left. The unemployment doesn’t cover much more than food for us. Well, and her booze. I just thought... I just thought that I could maybe help and that she wouldn’t be so sad anymore.”

“Why didn’t you tell me what was going on? I could have come home to help.” I knew mom had been lying to me for years about money. Things were worse than I could have imagined.

He shook his head. “You’re right where you need to be, Becs. I’m sorry that you had to come home to deal with this mess.”

“Chad, I’m always here for you. No matter what, it’s you and me. I’m going to get you out of here as soon as I can.”

We talked for a few more minutes before the guard came back and told Chad his time was up. “I’ll be back tomorrow, okay?” I hugged him for as long as we were allowed. “Be safe.”

I sobbed as I watched him be led back out of the room in handcuffs. No fifteen-year-old boy should have to go through this.

I didn’t even remember getting my things and walking back out to Levi; I was so lost in my own misery. He had me in his arms as soon as I was through the doors. He crushed me against him and stroked my hair as I cried. “Come on, let’s go somewhere else and talk.” We walked back out to the car with his arm draped around my shoulders protectively.

“What happened?” he asked gently when we were sitting in the car.

“He wasn't using, only selling. The worst part is that he was doing it to help my mom. They’re going to lose the house since my mom lost her job. I’m going to drop out of college and come home. He shouldn’t have to shoulder this alone.”

He shook his head. “I can’t let that happen, Becca.”

“This is real, Levi; you can’t fix everything. Chad needs me home more than I need to be in college. I have to help him.”

“I’m not saying that I can fix everything. I just can't let you leave school. I didn't want to say it like this, but I love you. I knew it that first night when you spilled beer all over me, and the first time I saw you dance. I can't let you leave. We can try and fix this for Chad. Joseph will help. My mom even said that Chad could come live with them in New York; you could see him as much as you wanted.”

This was all too much; I needed to get away. How could he love me? I shook my head. “No,” I said, as I got out of the car.

“What do you mean no?” He slammed his door and walked around to my side.

“Look, I appreciate the thought, but Chad and I aren’t some charity case that needs a place to sleep and a hot meal. I can help him; we’ll be fine on our own.”

“Damn it, Becca, let me in. Why won’t you let me in?” He looked at me pleadingly.

“Do you know what it feels like to not be good enough? To have everyone around you look at you like you’re trash? To have a mother who has never loved you? That’s my life, Levi; it’s what I’ve lived for as long as I can remember. So, you’ll have to excuse me if I can’t just accept that you love me, that you want to help me.”

I couldn’t stop the tears, or the rage I had kept inside my whole life. He held me tightly against his chest while I poured it all out, not saying a word as I beat against him with my fists, and then he held me up when my legs would no longer hold me.

“No, I don’t know what that’s like, but I don't have to know that to know that you’re worth it. You and Chad, you’ve been dealt a shitty hand in life, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. Let us help you; let me in. I love you so damn much. You really have no idea, do you? I see in you all of the things I want to be. You’re strong and so fucking brave. I need you, Becca; I need you in my life.”

“How can you love me when I’m so broken inside? My heart is shattered into so many pieces. I can't even begin to scrape them all together,” I whispered

“I love you because you’re you.”

“How can you be so certain?”

“Because it’s us, and because there is no other option for me.”

I let him kiss me, let him erase all of the pain and anger with his love. He cupped my cheeks in his hands and poured his emotion into the kiss. I clung to him, letting him press me against the car door, and I clutched at his shirt, holding bunches of fabric in my hands. His tongue teased against my own, begging for more of me, all of me. I felt his teeth nip along my lower lip as his hands smoothed up my sides.

I pushed him away, dizzy from everything I was feeling. “We can’t do this here, in front of the police station. Or anywhere for that matter, not until we know what’s going to happen to Chad.” I slid out from under his arm and walked a few steps away, my breathing ragged. We sat down on the curb together.

“I’m scared of all of this. Of you, of us. I don’t know how to do love. No one besides Chad and Frannie has ever loved me. What if I let myself fall for you and there’s no one there to catch me?” I whispered.

“I promise you, I will always catch you.” He brought my fingers to his lips.

J
OSEPH WAS NOT AT ALL
what I’d expected. He was taller than Levi by a few inches, but his hair was a sandy blond color. His demeanor was a lot more serious than Levi’s as well, but I suppose that’s what you want in a lawyer. “Thank you for doing this.” I smiled weakly.

“I’ll get him out as soon as the judge will hear his case.” He didn't bother responding to my thank you. I sort of liked him; I enjoyed his no nonsense approach to everything. “One thing they are going to want to know is who he’ll be released to. Will that be your mother?”

“No, definitely not. It will be me if that’s allowed”

“You’re eighteen, right?” He jotted some notes down on his phone.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Now, what are we going to do about his living arrangements?”

“He’s going to live with Mom and Dad in New York,” Levi answered.

Joseph arched a brow and then looked in my direction. “Has your mom agreed to this?”

“I haven't asked her. Levi just told me your parents had offered.”

“You’ll need her permission because he’s a minor,” he explained. I knew that the only way she would agree to it was for money, and I didn't have much to offer her. I wasn’t even totally sure about the plan; I had never even met Levi’s parents, and I couldn't be fully comfortable with it until then.

“This is all moving at light speed. I need to slow it down so I can think. I don’t even know your parents, and I can’t let Chad just move across the country without both of us being comfortable with it.” Fear colored my words; I was afraid of offending them, but I also needed to do what was best for Chad.

“No one wants to push you into anything.” Levi patted my shoulder. “My parents are coming tomorrow. That way everyone can meet and we can really discuss all of this.”

Joseph left after that to get some work done, and my head was swimming. “I need some space,” I told Levi.

He wanted to protest. I could tell he struggled with it, but he just nodded and let me go. I went to the one place that had been my home while I was growing up, my neighbor Jane’s dance studio. There were no classes going on, but she was in the back office when I let myself in.

“Becca?” Her warm smile made me cry. She took me in her arms and held me while I cried. It was all too much. “What’s going on honey? I thought you were at school.”

“Chad got arrested for possession of drugs.”

Her eyes widened as she listened to the whole story, including the offer from Levi’s parents. “What should we do?” I asked.

“I can’t tell you that. You need to do what you feel is best for both of you. I will say that getting him away from your mother might be the best chance he has at a future, though.”

I stared out the window, feeling miserable and hopeless.

“I still have your things in your old locker.” She smiled.

I knew what she meant. “I just need to change.”

When I came out of the locker area, she was standing by the front mirror, waiting. “If you would approach the barre, please.”

We both laughed and I did as instructed. She led me through my warm up, her soft voice calling out movements. Jane took me through my positions and into pirouettes.

“I had forgotten just how good you are, Becca.” I blushed; “Now, show me what you’ve been working on.” She leaned against the mirror to watch me dance.

I lost myself in the movements, and nothing else mattered. I danced on my toes and moved into a pirouette. Everything was better now; this was all I needed. Pointe shoes and a shiny wooden floor to dance on.

When I finished dancing, Jane was in tears. “That was amazing. You always surprise me with your talent. If you can stay focused, nothing will stop you. All this stuff with Chad can’t last forever. Don’t let it stop you from achieving your dreams.”

I thought about her words as I walked back to the hotel. She was right, of course. I couldn't let anything derail me.

“Do you feel better?” Levi was lying on the bed, flipping through the channels on the TV.

“I do. Jane always knows how to get me out of any funk. She was always the one person I could go to with anything. She helped Chad and I so much after my dad went to prison.”

“Someone called your phone a few times while you were gone,” he said casually, but the look on his face told me he’d looked to see who it was.

I sighed and grabbed it to listen to the messages. I knew it would be my mom; her voice on the other end was grating. She knew I was in town, because someone had told her they saw me going into the dance studio. Why had I not called her, and more crap about how sad she was that Chad was in jail. I hung up after the first message and slumped down on the bed. “I so do not want to deal with her.”

“So don’t. Wait until tomorrow when my parents are here. My mom is really good with difficult people; she did wonders dealing with me when I was growing up.” The hint of levity was supposed to make me feel better, but it didn’t.

We spent the rest of the day in the bed, watching movies on the hotel’s movie channels, and eating takeout. Even though the day had started out crappy, it ended nicely. I had almost forgotten about my mom. Almost.

“Are you okay with us both sleeping in the bed tonight?” Levi asked once it had gotten late.

“We did last night, didn’t we?”

“Yeah, but last night was different. We were too tired for anything.”

I looked at him, catching his meaning. “So, are you saying you’re going to try something with me then?” I laughed.

“No, but it doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it.”

His words caused something in my stomach to flip. “Well, behave.”

He didn’t answer me and the intensity in his stare was unnerving. I fled to the bathroom with my pajamas to change and to stop freaking out. My stomach was tying itself into a series of knots. Everything about this situation was foreign to me. I stayed in there longer than I should have.

Levi knocked on the door a while later. “Hey, are you going to come out ever? I have to pee and that’s the only bathroom.”

I imagined him doing that potty dance that little kids always do when they have to pee and it lightened my anxiety. I knew he wasn't doing it, but it still made me laugh to imagine it. I cautiously opened the door and found him sitting on the edge of the bed in just a pair of pajama pants. I could feel my cheeks getting hot and I was embarrassed all over again.

He gave me a heated look and went past me into the bathroom. The bed was still made, so I untucked a corner and smooshed myself in between the tight sheets. Levi came out and laughed when he saw me with the blankets tucked up to my chin. “You know I’m totally capable of behaving myself, right? I was only kidding before.” He untucked his side and slipped in beside me.

“Tell me about your parents.” This subject was much more comfortable for me.

“My parents are amazing. They’ve put up with a lot of nonsense from me over the years. My dad’s name is Samuel. He runs the family business, which is one of the top jewelry stores in the country. My grandfather started it when he first came here from Israel in the 1920’s and now my dad and his brother, Jacob, run it. It went from a one store operation to a multi-store franchise? with in-house gemologists and our own wholesale business.”