The Harder I Fall (11 page)

Levi, Julian, and Sadie were out in front of the dorm when I walked up. Sadie looked blissfully happy with Julian’s arm around her shoulders. My heart squeezed as I watched them talk. I realized that I was happy. Such an odd thing to experience after all this time, but there it was. I was finally alive and present in my own life. I had these people in my life who actually cared and who wanted to know me, even though they knew about my past. I had carried it around my leg like an anchor all this time.

Levi saw me standing, watching them, and he smiled at me. His whole face lit up. That he loved me, wanted me, was the most amazing gift I had ever been given. “Hey, how was rehearsal?” he asked and kissed my cheek, pulling me against his side.

“It was great. Renatta wants Caroline and I to do a duo piece in February.”

“Really? Becs, that’s awesome!” Sadie high-fived me.

“Do you guys want to come out with us?” Julian asked.

“Yeah, I just need to shower and change. Can you guys give me like twenty minutes?”

They followed me in and waited while I got ready. I could hear them laughing as I got changed. We all piled in Julian’s car and drove to a little restaurant that all the college kids haunted just off campus. It was more of a diner than a restaurant, sort of a burgers and fries place. They had killer milkshakes.

Levi ordered a burger that was bigger than my head and Julian got something covered in chili and cheese; it all added up to heartburn in my opinion. I stuck to salad; extra weight did not look good in a skintight leotard. Sadie got a BLT, and I stole some fries off her plate.

We talked about how much homework we all still had left to do before classes started up again. “I think I’m going to be up every night this week doing it,” Sadie groaned. “I should have gotten more done on the plane.”

“I don’t think I’ll be done until June.” Julian laughed.

Sadie told us about a welcome back to campus party that was happening the following night. “We should go.”

“Were we not
just
complaining about not having enough time to do our work?” I laughed.

“Yeah, but come on; we can't not go.”

“Sure we can, or rather, you can go and I can pass on it.”

She pouted and turned to Julian. “You’ll go, won’t you?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“I make no promises. Besides, the whole reason I went to parties to begin with was to meet chicks. Now that I have you, I don’t have a reason to go anymore.”

She punched him in the arm. “I’ll give you a reason to go, mister.” She narrowed her eyes at him.

He held up his hands. “You win; we’ll go.”

“That’s what I thought.” She turned her attention back to me and Levi. “What about you two? Sure I can't talk you into it?”

“Positive. You know how I feel about parties anyway,” I said.

“Levi?”

“Right, like I’m going to go to a party without Becca.” He rolled his eyes.

“Party poopers.”

“Nah, we’re just the smart ones who will have all of our homework done.”

When we got back to campus, Julian and Sadie went back to his room. Levi and I stood outside my door. “Can I come in?” He angled his hip into me and pressed me against the door before giving me a mind-shattering kiss.

“How can I say no to that?” I panted and unlocked the door.

We were out of our coats in record time and he pulled me onto the couch with him. I straddled his lap and yelped when his cold hands touched the bare skin of my back under my shirt.

“Sorry,” he murmured into my neck.

I returned the favor and ran my fingers up his bare arms and held onto his biceps, just inside of his shirt. He brought his mouth back to mine and I took control, grinding my hips against his and biting his lower lip. He groaned and held me tighter against him as we kissed. His lips were soft and warm, and they fit against mine like they were made as a matched set. I leaned back and tore his shirt off. I needed to feel his skin against mine.

I pulled my shirt over my head and shivered as the cold air hit me. He pulled me back against him and I kissed along his jaw to his ear. I lightly bit at his lobe. “What are you doing to me?” I whispered.

His hands came up to cup my breasts, and I didn’t try and stop him when he slipped the straps of my bra down. I reached back and undid the clasp, letting him pull away the satiny fabric. He bit his lower lip and brought his hands up where the fabric had been before. “Christ, Becca…”

“I’m not ready to go further than this…” I said.

“Baby, right where we are is perfect.” He kissed me again and I forgot how nervous I was.

I
WAS IN FULL-BLOWN
freakout mode.
The Nutcracker
was opening in a week, I had two papers due the day before, and I still had to fit work into the mix. “I think I’m having a panic attack,” I said and put my head between my knees.

Sadie laughed. “No you aren’t; you’re just being dramatic.”

“I’m not being dramatic. I’m just realizing how insane I am to have this schedule. I think maybe I should stop sleeping. That would give me a few extra hours a day, right?”

She threw a pillow at me. “Go on, get out of here. You need to get to work, and Julian will be here in a few minutes.”

I picked up my bag and trudged out into the snow. The library wasn't far, but the wind was killer. My nose and cheeks were bright red by the time I got inside. Levi was there at a table with a tall blonde girl I’d never seen before and another guy. He smiled when he saw me.

I waved and sat at a table off to the side so I could bang out one of my papers. I was trying to concentrate, but every now and again, the girl at his table would laugh. I would look up and she would be touching his arm or hand. Something about the way she smiled at him made me nervous. I made myself ignore it, though. Levi was hot; of course there would be girls who would flirt with him. I couldn’t be mad at him. It’s not like he was encouraging it.

I dove into my research. Science was, for sure, not my subject, so it was slow going trying to compose the paper. I had to talk about cells and all that other stuff that makes no sense to me.

An hour later, Levi dropped into the chair next to me. “Hey, babe, how’s the studying going?”

“It’s going slower than I would like. I need to be done with this paper tonight so I can finish the other one by the end of the week. Tell me again why I agreed to be in
The Nutcracker
?” I dropped my head to the desk.

“Deep breaths, baby, deep breaths. What can I help you with?” He rubbed my back.

“Nothing. I just needed to complain.” I sat up and smiled at him.

“Do you have time for a dinner break?” he asked.

“A really quick one, yes, but then I need to get back to it.” I hastily shoved my stuff in my bag and followed him out of the library. It had snowed a bunch while we were inside, and the ground was covered in a blanket of white. We walked hand in hand to the cafeteria in the flurries of snow.

“Do you have rehearsal every day this week?” he asked as we walked.

“Yeah, plus two on Saturday and Sunday. Renatta is in full-on panic mode wanting everything to be perfect.”

“Do you think you can come Christmas shopping with me after your last rehearsal on Saturday?”

“Maybe,” I said. “I might be working, so I have to check.”

“I miss you. We haven’t seen much of each other in the past couple of weeks.”

“I know. I’m sorry, it’s just been crazy with everything piling up at once. I promise, after the show, it will calm down a bit.”

“I like that you’re driven; just try and fit me in somewhere.” He kissed my frozen lips. “Come over here with me real quick.” I looked at my watch, mentally counting how much studying time I had left before I had to sleep. “Come on, Becca, just give me an extra five minutes.” He dragged me out into an open field of snow off to the side of the cafeteria that normally was grassy and full of flowers. He set his bag down and dropped down on his back.

“What on earth are you doing?” I asked.

“Making a snow angel; come on and make one with me.”

I watched him for a moment longer and reluctantly set my bag down next to his before joining him in the snow. I’d never made a snow angel, or a snowman for that matter. We just didn't do stuff like that when I was growing up.

“There, that’s not so bad, is it?”

He was right, it was fun, I didn’t even care about the snow making its way up my shirt. He rolled over on top of me, showering both of us with snow. The air was icy cold, but his kiss was anything but. “I love you.”

I didn’t know how to respond. He had said it a few other times, and I always tried to push past it. This time, it just hung there between us.

“You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted to say it again. I really do love you, Becca.” He rolled off me and helped me to my feet. We were both covered in snow and shivering. We took turns brushing the excess off of each other and then ran into the building to eat something warm.

I could have cried when I saw that they had loaded baked potato soup. I got myself a huge bowl and waited for Levi at a table. My fingers were starting to thaw out. I held a hot cup of coffee to speed up the process. By the time Levi sat down next to me, I was half done with my soup.

“Hungry?” he teased.

“Yeah, but it’s also really warm, and that is a wonderful thing.”

A trip back to the dorm was in order. My jeans were soaked, and my shirt wasn't much better. I waited somewhat impatiently for him to finish eating after I was done.

“Stop looking at your watch.”

“Hurry up then. I need to get back to the library.” I grinned at him.

“You win.” He pushed his empty plate away.

“I need to go back and change before heading out again. Walk with me?”

“Of course,” He said.

Sadie and Julian were sprawled out on one of the couches in our common room when we came in. “Don't you ever study?” I shook my head and laughed.

“We already did. Now we’re rewarding ourselves with some couch snuggles.” Sadie grinned.

“Couch snuggles, huh?” Levi arched a brow at Julian.

“Shut up, dude; you’re no better than I am.”

I changed faster than I thought was humanly possible. Levi got a quick kiss, the others got a wave, and I was out the door and back to the library.

“
A
RE YOU NERVOUS?”
C
AROLINE ASKED
me during our last rehearsal of the day on Saturday.

“Sort of. I always get nervous right before a show. I think, after the first show, I’ll feel better. How about you?”

“Terrified. I’ve never had a solo before.” She smiled nervously.

“You’ll do great. Renatta knows what she’s doing, plus I think you’re fabulous.”

Levi was waiting outside for me. I had managed to switch shifts with someone so we could go into town and go shopping. “See you tomorrow.” Caroline waved and walked away as I saw him.

“Ready?” he asked. I had changed in the locker room so we didn't have to make another stop to the dorm.

“Yup, let’s go.”

We talked about what we needed to buy and for whom.

“I have you, Sadie, and Chad. I also want to get something for your parents. Can you help me find something?”

“Of course, but you know you don’t have to get them anything,” he said.

“I know I don’t, but they’ve been so good to Chad and me. I really want to let them know how much I appreciate them.” Chad had called me almost every day. He was loving his new school, and he thought the Kleins were amazing.

We took Levi’s car; he drove some sort of BMW. I wasn’t a car person so I had no idea what model; I just knew it was super nice and had leather everything and all the bells and whistles.

I had always hated shopping, loathed it, in fact, but with Levi, I found myself smiling as we perused the stores for the perfect gifts. “Here, my mom would really like this.” He held up a colorful scarf.

“Are you sure?”

“Totally sure. She loves scarves.”

“It’s only like $15; that’s way too cheap for a present for your mom.” I looked at him uncertainly.

“The price doesn’t matter. She’ll love anything you give her.” He was so sincere about it that I believed him. I was probably used to my own mom, who always thought everything was terrible, and never got Chad or me anything for Christmas.

Levi hugged me tight. “Don’t overthink this.”

He spent the next hour helping me choose gifts for Chad and Sadie and then bullying me into trying on a ridiculously expensive leather jacket just for fun. As we left the mall, I was deliriously happy, and I felt lighter than air. Levi had a way about making me forget all the crap and just live. “Why do you look so happy?” he asked me in the car.

“Because I’m silly. I have everything I could ever want, friends, ballet, you…”

He cut me off with a kiss. “I’m happy, too.”

We stopped for dinner on the way back at some little hole in the wall place neither of us had been to before. “I got you something,” he said after we’d been seated.