The Harder I Fall (15 page)

“Yeah, but in a good way. I’m kind of numb after the first few minutes. Are you satisfied now?”

“Yup, go ahead and put your socks on again if you want.”

After he left for the night, I went to sleep with a smile on my face, ready to face the new month. I was happier than I could remember being. January slipped by; it was already almost the end of the month. My busy routine had sucked me in again. The duo recital with Caroline took up a lot of my time, as did work and studying.

Levi and I had been dating for about three months, and he took me to a nice restaurant for dinner. Of course I was happy to go with him, but my mind was racing, thinking about all the things I needed to get done.

“Are you even paying attention to what I’m saying?” He looked at me.

“What? Yeah, sorry, I guess not. What did you say?” I smiled sheepishly at him.

“I was saying that we should go see Chad next week. My mom has been begging me to bring you back.”

“Yeah, I’d really like that. The last time I talked to him he said that he’s really happy with your parents.”

“She‘s enjoying herself. She gets someone to spoil.” He grinned.

The waitress came with our dinner and I immediately regretted my choice of pasta instead of a steak like Levi. He caught me looking. “Want half of mine?” he offered.

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s either that or have you sighing over there for the rest of dinner.” He laughed and cut his steak in half. “Fork over some of that pasta.”

After dinner, we walked down to a little coffee shop down the street and got something warm to drink. I, of course, got hot chocolate because I was still a ten-year-old at heart. Levi got a mocha, or as I called it, a grown-up hot chocolate.

“So, why are you so spazzed out?” he asked.

“I’m not really. Well, no more than usual. I guess I just take on too much. Between school, work, and ballet, I feel like I can barely breathe.”

“You need to slow down and enjoy life a little bit. We’re only young once.”

“I know, but I have dreams, Levi, and if I slow down, they may keep speeding along and then I’ll never catch them.”

“Stop freaking out for a second.” He held my hands in his. “You don't have to worry anymore.”

“Why exactly don't I have to worry?” I asked.

“You are as good as part of the Klein clan. My parents will help you in any way they can. Chad will go to any school he wants. Don’t stress so much about what will happen in the future. Try and enjoy now.”

He was right. I really needed to stop stressing out so much, but it wasn’t that easy. “I’ll try. I’m just not used to depending on someone. I’ve always taken care of myself. I promise I’ll try though.”

“That’s all I can ask for, right?”

“I’m high strung. What can I say?” I said dryly.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.”

We drove back to campus and decided to walk around for a bit because it wasn’t as cold of a night as we had been getting. “What are you going to do this summer?” He asked as we walked hand in hand.

“I don't know. I want to see if I can get into a summer session at one of the ballet schools in New York. That would be amazing. What about you?”

“I don’t know. I had been planning on going to London for a while, but I don't know now.”

“What do you mean you don’t know now? It’s London! How can you not go to London?” I stopped and turned to face him.

“I don’t know. I just don’t want to be so far away from you.”

“Levi, please don’t do that. Don't put your plans on hold, your life on hold, for me. We both have things we want to accomplish.”

“I know that, but we should at least factor each other into the equation right? I want to be where you are, Becca.”

“London is huge, though; you can’t pass that up for me. I won’t let you. I’ve already applied to The Joffrey for their Summer Intensive program.”

“So, you weren’t going to factor me into that decision at all?” he asked.

“I figured you would be in New York, too, so we could still see each other on my off days and on weekends.”

“When were you going to tell me?”

I shrugged. “When I got in, I guess.”

He looked angry and I didn’t know what to do with that. It confused me. “Do you love me?” He stepped a few paces away from me.

“Levi…”

“Look, it’s simple. You either do, or you don’t. I don’t think it’s that hard of a question.”

“I like you a lot, but I don’t know if I’m even capable of loving someone else like that.”

He raked his hands through his hair. “I can't do this anymore.”

“What are you saying?” My heart sank into my stomach.

“We need to end this. I can’t have a relationship with someone who always keeps me at arm’s length. I love you, probably too much, and this whole time I’ve told myself that eventually you would get to the same place. But you never have.”

“Is this because of this summer?” I asked.

“It’s more than that. You know it is.”

Tears slipped down my cheeks. “I’ve always been honest with you about myself. I never said I was anything other than who I am. You promised you would always catch me; you said you would never let me fall.”

“That’s the thing, Becca. I can’t catch you if you don't take the leap. I’ve been waiting this whole time with open arms, and you never jumped. My arms are tired. I just can't hold them up anymore.”

The look on his face broke my heart even more. He didn’t say anything else, not even goodbye; he just walked away from me. I sank to my knees on the snow-covered ground and sobbed. How could he have left me?

I didn't even remember getting up and walking back to my dorm, but Sadie was inside on the couch with Julian when I came in. She was laughing at something he’d said but her smile faded when she saw me.

“Oh my God, Becca. What happened?”

“Levi broke up with me,” I whispered.

She and Julian exchanged a look and he got up to leave.

“Call you later.” He kissed her cheek and paused to hug me before leaving.

“Are you okay?” She came around the couch and took me in her arms. I couldn’t answer. I just shook my head. She led me to the couch and sat next to me. “I didn’t even know you guys were fighting.”

“We weren’t.” I put my face into my hands and cried some more.

“What happened then?” she asked gently.

“We went to dinner and everything was fine. Then, when we got back here, he started talking about the summer. And how we need to factor each other into our summer plans. He got mad when I told him I’d already applied to a summer program in New York.”

“Really? He broke up with you because you didn’t tell him about applying for a summer program?”

I shook my head. “I couldn’t tell him I loved him.”

She nodded. “Do you?”

“Love him? I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’ve never loved anyone besides Chad. I like him more than I thought possible. I just wish he would give me some more time to process all of this.”

“I’m so sorry, honey.” She hugged me and let me cry. After a while, she helped me get into pajamas and left me in our room to be by myself. I knew it was all my fault; he was right to break up with me. You can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you enough to let you in.

Sadie didn’t know what to do with me. She would come into the room every hour or so and see if I needed anything. I did. I needed Levi to come back and tell me he didn’t mean it, that he loved me and wanted to be with me.

L
IFE GOES ON.
E
VEN WHEN
your heart is no longer beating, life goes on. I went through the motions because I had to. Wake up, ballet, school, ballet, work, sleep, repeat. Different day, same stuff. I was a zombie

“Hey, do you want to go to the movies with me and Julian tonight?” Sadie asked.

I shook my head. “I’m just going to stay in. You guys have fun.”

As much as I liked Julian, it was hard to be around him because he made me think of Levi. And I always wanted to ask him how Levi was doing and if he ever asked about me. It was too dangerous to be around him for now.

“I wish you would come.” Sadie looked concerned.

“It’s only been like two weeks. Give me some time.”

She wanted to say more, but she held her tongue, and for that I was grateful.

Caroline and I had our duo show in a couple of weeks, so we rehearsed every chance we got. I was on my way to meet her and was thankful for the excuse to leave. “See you later.” I waved.

I ran smack into Levi as I was coming out the door to the building. It knocked us both back a few steps. “Oh. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” I looked away from him.

“No, it’s my fault. I should have been looking where I was going,” he mumbled. I went to walk past him. “Wait.”

“Please don’t. I can't do this with you, Levi. It’s too fresh.” I looked up at him. His eyes looked so sad.

“Becca. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? Sorry for what? Breaking my heart? Yeah, I’m sorry, too.”

“That’s not fair,” he said.

“There’s no such thing as fair. Only life, and I well know there’s nothing fair about it. Now, please let me go. I’m late for rehearsal.”

I pushed past him and didn't look back. As soon as I was away, the tears fell; I couldn’t hold them in. I ran to the studio, sobbing uncontrollably, not caring who saw me or what they thought. Caroline was already there when I walked in, the last of my tears streaking my cheeks.

“Are you okay?” She hugged me.

“I saw Levi just as I was leaving.”

“Oh crap, that’s never good. To see an ex this soon after. Did you talk?”

“Not really. He wanted to. He told me he was sorry.”

“Did he say he wanted to get back together?” she asked.

“No, well, I don’t know. He just said he was sorry and then I kind of yelled at him for breaking my heart.”

“That’s rough.” She squeezed my shoulder. Rough was an understatement. I felt hollow, like a piece of me was missing. “Are you going to be okay to rehearse? We can just do it tomorrow if you want.”

“No, I need to dance. It’s the only thing I know how to do right now.”

She nodded and waited for me to change.

We had decided on a raw, emotional piece, which was perfect for me. I needed to pour out my hurt into the dance. Caroline had chosen “Breathe Me” by Sia for us to dance to. As the piano began to play on the track, we were on our toes, dancing in unison, our hands reaching out to someone unseen. We pulled and fought through the dance, twirling and leaping. The dance ended with both of us collapsed on the floor.

“Jesus, Becca, that was intense,” Caroline panted.

“I told you; I need this right now. I can do the emotional stuff. I can't do happy right now.”

“That’s okay. We can run through this one a few more times together and then watch each other and give notes. We can do happy tomorrow.” She put her hand over mine on the wood floor.

After we were done, I was spent, both physically, and emotionally. I had nothing left. “See you tomorrow? Same time?” she asked.

“Yeah, tomorrow, I have to work until 7:00, but after that?”

“Sure, see you then.”

She left me alone in the studio. I wasn’t done yet. I couldn't bear the thought of going back to the dorm while it was still a reasonable hour. I didn’t want to run into Levi again, or get bullied into going out by Sadie and Julian. Instead, I danced until I could no longer hold myself up on my toes. I sank to my knees in front of the mirror and cried. I silently prayed that this all would get easier. That my heart wouldn’t break again every time I saw him.

I trudged home in the snow, listening to people laughing and talking all around me. I felt like a ghost, like I didn’t belong among them. After my shower, I went straight to bed and hoped I didn’t dream.

“Is she really dead?” Chad’s little lip quivered.

“Yes,” I whispered, and I hugged him tighter with my free arm. I held Frannie against me, wishing that it was me instead of her. I was the oldest; I should have stopped him.

“Don’t you look at me that way, girl,” my father spat at me. “You keep that other brat quiet if you know what’s good for you both. I ain’t too tired to raise my belt to either of you.”

“Chad, go on into your room, okay? I’ll be there in a minute.” I hugged him and made sure he started walking.

“You know enough to keep your mouth shut, don't you, girl?” My father eyed me, his bloody hands in fists at his sides. I nodded and went to join Chad. I knew what I had to do now. I grabbed the phone and locked the door to Chad’s room. I pushed his bed and mattress against the door, and I held him while he cried. My tears were for later.

We held each other as the sirens rang out in the distance, getting closer and closer. I covered his ears as our father pounded on the door, cracking the frame.

“Becca! Becca! Wake up!”

Someone was shaking me. “Mmmm.”

“Come on, open your eyes,” a deep voice commanded.

My eyes popped open, and I found Julian and Sadie standing next to the bed. “Was I screaming?” Sadie nodded. Julian looked worried. “Sorry.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sadie asked.

“No, I’m fine. You guys go back to whatever you were doing.”

“Screaming in your sleep is not fine, Becca,” Julian said gently.

“Babe, let her be. If she says she’s fine, she is.” Sadie looked down at me for reassurance that her words were not a lie. After I nodded and gave a weak smile, they left me alone to process the memories I had buried so long ago. I knew sleep wouldn’t come, no matter how tired I was, so I pulled out a book and read until Sadie crept in at dawn.