The Harder I Fall (5 page)

“Okay,” I replied nervously.

“I don’t want to take anything away from your dancing, or your studies. I just want to be included somewhere in your life. I more than like you Becca.”

My heart thudded in my chest. “What are you saying, Levi?”

“I want to us to date; that’s what I’m saying.”

“I don’t know. There’s so much about me that you just don't know. I’m not what you’re looking for.”

“So tell me what I don't know then,” he said.

“It’s not that easy for me to share.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Becca. I just want to know you.”

I sighed and put my face in my hands. “My mom is a drunk, and my dad is in prison.” I hoped that would be good enough for him now.

“Why is your dad in prison?” he asked.

“I’m not ready to talk about that. Let’s just leave it at that, okay?” I gave him a look that begged him not to press me on it further.

“I’ll let it drop for now. It’s Halloween; we should be having fun anyway. Tell me something you love to do.”

“Ballet. It’s been the only constant in my life. I feel so free when I dance, like nothing can touch me.” I smiled, and for the first time in a while, it didn’t feel forced.

“You should do that more often.”

“Do what?” I asked.

Smile.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek. “You’re always so serious; it’s nice to see that hard exterior crack every now and then.”

“I’m less serious since I’ve been here. Sadie brings out the best in me.”

“Will you let me take you out?” He linked our fingers on my lap.

“I don’t know, Levi. I don't feel right about us dating when Sadie was so interested in you. I don't make friends easily, and she’s the best one I’ve got.”

“She seems to be over it; she and Julian looked pretty into each other. I know for sure he wants to date her.”

“Just leave it for a bit. I’m not ready.” The thought of kissing him, of what he would expect from me in the future, freaked me out. To say I was inexperienced was an understatement; the kiss Levi had given me a few weeks ago was my only experience. I just needed to convince him we would be better as friends.

“There you guys are.” Sadie and Julian, followed by Layla and Mel, streamed out into the backyard. “Are you ready for the next stop?”

Levi looked like he wanted to say no.

“Yeah, of course; bring on the trick or treating,” I said overenthusiastically.

“There you go, Becca. It’s nice to see you finally getting into the spirit!”

We all left together and continued down the candy and booze trail of trick or treating. I stuck close to Layla for the rest of the night. I didn’t want Levi to corner me again and press me about dating him. Things would be better this way; he would see that soon enough. It would suck seeing him with someone else eventually, but I would get over it, just like I always did.

“
T
ELL ME THE TRUTH,
B
ECS
; do you like Levi?” Sadie asked me out of the blue while we were studying in our room. Levi and I had sort of been avoiding each other in the weeks since Halloween; well, I had been avoiding him and he had been everywhere I was.

“What? Why do you ask that?”

“I see the way he looks at you, and the way you look at him when you think no one is watching. It’s okay if you do; I’m over him. I’m all about Julian these days.” She smiled.

“I don’t know. I sort of like him, but I’m not interested in starting anything with him.”

“Why not?”

“I have too much on my plate right now. When would I have time to date someone?” I asked.

“That has to be the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. If you like him, you will find time. It’s not as if you’re chained to the ballet studio, or to the coffee shop.”

“I don’t date, Sadie. Just leave it alone, okay?”

“What happened to you to make you like this? I know those dreams you swear are nothing, where you wake up screaming, have something to do with it.” She came and sat on my bed.

“That’s not a story I really want to tell.” I smiled sadly at her, hoping that she would drop it, but knowing that she wouldn’t.

“Becs, just tell me,” she pressed.

“Fine, just know that I have never told a single other person this story outside of the police and a few lawyers.” Sadie nodded and gripped my hand. “When I was ten-years-old, my dad beat my younger sister Frannie to death with a belt. It happened in front of my younger brother, Chad, and me.” I felt a tear slide down my cheek and I wiped at it.

“Mom was drunk, of course, like she always was, and is. He had been drinking, too, but unlike my mom, he was a mean drunk. We usually slept out of the house when Dad was home because he always hit us. For some reason, that night we didn't leave, and he went after Frannie with his belt buckle. No matter how loud I screamed and kicked at him, he just wouldn't stop. It wasn't until long after she was dead that he finally passed out in the corner next to my mom. CPS took Chad and me away from my mom after my dad went to prison, but she got us back a few months later.” I stopped, unable to control the tears or the tremor in my voice.

“Ballet and taking care of Chad were the only things that mattered in my life. I was forever branded by what my dad did that night; instead of feeling sorry for me, people just felt disdain.” I choked out the sob I had been holding in.

Sadie wrapped me in her arms, holding me tight against her. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. I wanted to run, but she held me in place. I gave up struggling and just let her hold me as I poured out all of the emotion I had been holding in for eight years.

“So now you know.” I wiped the tears from my eyes.

“Yeah, now I know, and I’m still here, Becca. What happened wasn’t your fault. You know that, right?”

“I know it wasn’t my fault, but I still feel guilty about leaving Chad to come here. I should be with him, taking care of him.”

“You need to make a life for yourself, too. Before you can take care of him, you need to take care of yourself.”

I laughed. “You sound just like him. That’s what he said before I left. He told me to follow my dreams.”

“How old is he?” she asked.

“Just turned fifteen before I left. I miss him so much.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me. It all makes sense now, how you never drink.”

“Yeah, I can't ever drink. I know what it can do to people, especially people with two alcoholics for parents.”

“Is this the reason you won’t date Levi? Because you’re afraid to tell him?” she asked.

“Sort of. It’s just hard for me to get close to people.”

“Anyone would be lucky to know you. Your past won’t define you if you don't let it. College is a place to reinvent yourself, and to move forward. I think you should give Levi a chance. At least say that you’ll consider it.”

“Fine, I’ll think about it.”

She grinned and hugged me again. “Okay, now you need to scoot out for ballet rehearsal, and I need to get ready for my date with Julian.”

I thought about what she had said on my walk to the dance studio. Maybe she was right and I did need to open myself up a bit. It had felt really good to tell someone about my past and not to have them run screaming, or look at me with pity in their eyes. Sadie liked me for me; she didn't care about my past. Maybe Levi would be the same.

Renatta was getting everyone in line when I walked in and she smiled at me. I quickly got my pointe shoes on and joined the others for warm ups at the barre. She called out positions and we all began as a group. We dropped into a deep plié. Then it was pirouettes in groups of two across the floor and jetes back. By the time we began to dance, I was completely relaxed and I was actually smiling as I did the first of my routines.

“Beautiful, Becca, so elegant,” Renatta praised me.

“Thank you.” I beamed at her and joined the other dancers for the first group routine.

“You really are amazing to watch,” a tall brunette next to me whispered.

“Thank you; that is so sweet of you to say.” I smiled at her.

“I’m Caroline.”

“Becca.”

“Yeah, I know.” She smiled shyly. “I’ve seen you in here in the mornings dancing.”

That surprised me; I hadn't realized anyone had ever seen me besides Levi. “Really?”

“Oh, I hope I didn’t embarrass you.”

“No, it’s fine, I just didn't know anyone had seen me.”

“Did you create that routine?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m still working on it.”

“It’s really beautiful.”

Renatta called us all into our places and we began to dance again. Once again, I was lost in the euphoria of the music and gliding along the floor with the others.

At the end of rehearsal, Caroline found me again. “Do you think we could rehearse together sometime?” She looked nervous.

“That would be awesome. I would really like that. I’m here most mornings if you want to join me.”

“Oh, I don't want to impose on your morning dance time.”

“It’s not an imposition at all.” I smiled at her.

We walked out together and I saw Levi leaning against the railing waiting for me. “Is that your boyfriend? He’s really cute.” Caroline nodded in his direction.

“Something like that. See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there.” She waved and walked off.

“Hey.” I stopped in front of Levi and pulled my coat tighter around my body to fight the chilly night air.

“Hey.” He smiled his crooked smile.

“So I’ve been thinking.” I was so nervous.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I think I want to try this dating thing,” I told him.

“You do?” His eyes widened.

“Yeah, I do. And I’d like it to be with you if the offer still stands.”

“Do you have a backup in case I say no?”

“Nope, but I’m sure I could find someone.” I felt as light as air. This must be what normal people felt like all the time.

“I think I could probably squeeze you in. My schedule is pretty full already, but most of it is stalking you anyway.”

Before I could respond, he pulled me close to him and kissed me. This was a different kiss than the first one. His arms held me against him and his lips were hungry. I gave myself to it, wrapping my arms around his neck and letting him lead me along. The kiss ended far too early; I wanted more of him, to experience more.

I leaned in and kissed him, my lips pressing softly against his, and ran my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. He groaned and pressed me further into the railing we were leaning against.

“God, Becca.” He pulled away. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time. We fit together so perfectly.”

“Where do we go from here?” I asked.

“I think it will be pretty much the same as it has been, but now it won’t be considered stalking, and I can kiss you.”

“Shut up.” I hit him in the arm.

“Really, though, I want to take you out tomorrow night. Do you have to work?”

“I’m off at 4:00.”

“Perfect, I’ll come get you around 5:00 then.” He linked his fingers with mine and we started walking back to the dorms.

“I’m really new at all of this, so you’ll have to excuse me if I seem sort of awkward,” I said.

“I love how honest you are. Most girls would never say that to a guy they’re interested in.”

“Was I not supposed to say that?”

“No, it’s great. I love that I never have to guess what you’re thinking.” He kissed me again. When we pulled apart we found Julian and Sadie staring at us, grinning.

“Well, well, well. What have we here?” Sadie laughed.

“It looks like all of my hard work finally paid off, and I’ve been upgraded from stalker to boyfriend.” Levi grinned.

“It’s about time you put him out of his misery, Becca. He’s been so mopey.” Julian punched him in the arm.

“Great, now you make me sound like some lovesick puppy. Thanks, man.”

“Oh, I think she knows exactly who you are, dude; you have nothing to worry about there.” Julian winked at me.

“Are you guys coming or going?” I asked Sadie.

“Going. See you later.” She waved and they started walking off in the other direction.

“They look happy.” I grinned up at Levi.

“I’m happy, too, now that you finally caved in and agreed to date me. Actually, happy is not a strong enough word for what I’m feeling right now.”

We continued walking into the dorm and stopped in front of my room. “Want to come in for a bit?” There were butterflies in my stomach.

“Yeah, I do.” He looked at me with such intensity.

I opened the door and we saw Layla and one of her friends studying on the couches.

“Hey.” She looked up and smiled.

“Hey.” Levi and I walked through the common room and back to my room.

“I don't know why I expected it to look different from my dorm.” He laughed.

“I think they all come pretty standard.” I sat down on my bed and kicked my shoes off.

“So…”

“Are you nervous, too?” I asked him.

“Yeah, but we really shouldn’t be nervous; nothing really has changed.” I wondered if he was trying to convince me or himself. He sat down next to me and leaned against the wall.