Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
Stupid Movie Lines (7 page)
Oceanologist examining traces left by the killer creature in
The Beach Girls and the Monster,
1965
On Flying High, Advantages of:
Listen, everybody!
There’s no limit to how high we can fly! We can dive for fish and never have to live on garbage again!
Jonathan the seagull to his flock in
Jonathan Livingston Seagull,
1973
On Flying Saucers, Where from:
Saucer? You mean—the kind from
up there?
Stunned wife (Mona McKinnon) after her husband tells her he has seen a flying saucer in
Plan 9 from Outer Space,
1959
On Food for Thought:
Isn’t it strange how that lovely song reminds you of chicken salad?
Aging spinster typist Joan Crawford to her young and loony lover Cliff Robertson, about the title song in
Autumn Leaves,
1956
On Former Presidents and First Ladies, Romantic Dialogues Between:
Girl:
What are you going to do after the war?
Boy:
I told you a hundred times.
Girl:
I want to hear it once more.
Boy:
I’m going into the surplus business. I’m going to buy up all the old mines and sell them to the man in the moon.
Girl:
But there’s no water on the moon!
Boy:
How do you know so much about the moon?
Girl:
I know a lot about it. I spend all my time looking at it when you’re away. That’s how it still is with me.
Boy:
It’s time for me to go now.
Nancy (Reagan) and Ronald (Reagan) as the war-torn lovers in
Hellcats of the Navy,
1957
On the Founding Fathers, Nude:
Father Nudist:
All over the world, ever since mankind began, the beneficent qualities of sunshine have impressed the minds of men. In darkest Africa, all of the natives are nudists.… You’ll admit Benjamin Franklin was civilized.
Reporter:
Of course.
Father Nudist:
Well, Benjamin Franklin was a nudist.
From
Elysia, the Valley of the Nude,
1933
On French Queens, Insightful:
Young dauphin to his mother:
They’re throwing stones! Why are they so angry with you?
Marie:
They’re unhappy, dear.
Norma Shearer in
Marie Antoinette,
1938
On Frogs, Imperialistic:
TODAY the Pond!
TOMORROW the World!
Ad for
Frogs,
1972
On Fruits, Delooscious:
Camser:
What kind of jungle is this?
Kraik:
I don’t know, but I could learn to like it. [eating fruit] These things are looscious.
Camser:
Looscious—you mean they’re delooscious.
Kraik:
What’s the difference? Either way, they’re tasty.
Bad guy Sheldon Leonard (Kraik) and henchman in
Daughter of the Jungle,
1949
On Fun Talk in the Sack:
Whitley:
Say something dirty.
Wife:
Socks.
Whitley:
Come on, say, say erection. Can you say erection?
Wife:
I’ll never say it!
Whitley:
Ha ha ha!
Whitley Strieber (Christopher Walken) and his wife (Lindsay Crouse) in bed together, in
Communion,
1989
On the Future, Why It’s Important:
Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future because that’s where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.
Opening narration delivered by well-known TV psychic Criswell in
Plan 9 from Outer Space,
1959
On Gang Leaders, Uneloquent:
Look. You’re gonna get killed, or you’re not gonna get killed. But you don’t know shit. You don’t know when you’re gonna get killed, or how you’re gonna get killed, and just shut. Shut.
A Brooklyn thug leader known as the Prince (Norman Mailer) in Norman Mailer’s
Wild 90,
1967
On Getting Married, Points to Ponder:
Sally:
Will you please tell me what the good doctor meant when he mentioned your old VD?
Bob:
All right. If you must know, I did have it. But it’s no worse than having an illegitimate child.
Sally:
I think it is. Why, I … I’d sooner marry a leper.
Couple in a doctor’s office finding out—among other things—that her illegitimate baby won’t have any effect on her new pregnancy in
Because of Eve,
1948
On Giant Apes, Unliberated:
You goddamned chauvinist pig ape! … You want to eat me? Then go ahead!
Jessica Lange as Dwan, the captive bimbo, in
King Kong,
1976
On Girl Groups, Insightful Thoughts About:
You girls are nothing but meat up there. My girl don’t tease pud for no money.
Frankie (Chris Nash) yelling at rocker-gal Julia Roberts in
Satisfaction,
1988
On Girl Scientists, Deep Thoughts from:
Science is science, but a girl has to have her hair done.
Heroine scientist Mara Corday’s final words in
Tarantula,
1955
On Girl Talk:
Helen:
I got a guy waitin’ for me.
Neely:
That’s a switch from the fags you’re usually stuck with!
Helen:
At least
I
didn’t have to marry one!
Helen Lawson (Susan Hayward) and Neely O’Hara (Patty Duke), two actresses sparring, in
Valley of the Dolls,
1967
On Girls, the Same Everywhere:
Twenty-six million miles from Earth and the dolls are just the same.
The flight crew discussing the women on Venus in
Queen of Outer Space,
1958
On Goals, Noteworthy:
My goal is the destruction of the last vestigial traces of traditional manhood in order to realign the sexes, while preparing humanity for its next stage.
Raquel Welch as the transsexual Myra in
Myra Breckinridge,
1970
On God, Jive-Talking:
Let there be some firmament. Let there be a whole
mess
of firmament.
God in
The Green Pastures,
1936; Rex Ingram plays the character known as “De Lawd”
On God, Kinda Busy:
I know how the people down there feel! And it makes me wonder. Wonder … about God. A God that hasn’t time. Hasn’t time to help anyone who needs Him!
Liberace about to commit suicide by jumping from his penthouse apartment (he doesn’t) in
Sincerely Yours,
1955
On God, Sinus Problems of:
God opens the sea with a blast of His nostrils!
Old man, talking about the parting of the Red Sea in
The Ten Commandments,
1956
On Goddesses of Love, What They Say:
I am not here for your cold roast chicken. I am here for your love.
Venus (Vanna White) in
The Goddess of Love,
1988
On Go-Go Dancing, Intellectual Things We Didn’t Know About:
Go-go is an art form. It’s interpretative dance with a rock ’n’ roll background.
Christina Whitaker
, Assault of the Killer Bimbos,
1987
On Golden Opportunities, Mad Scientists and:
We’ve got two perfect specimens: a retarded man who’s of no use to anyone and a homicidal maniac who’ll be dead in a minute anyway. Such an opportunity may never come again!
Lab assistant (Berry Kroeger) who’s just shot the maniac on the steps of the lab, realizing that the lab’s retarded janitor is about to get more brainpower in
The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant,
1971, starring Bruce Dern
On Gold, Venusian Views on:
So what is so different about gold? We have much here on Venus.
Unimpressed Venusian gal Zsa Zsa Gabor in
Queen of Outer Space,
1958
On Good Excuses to Get Out of Storming a Castle:
Oh, my stomach! It feels like there are beans in it!
Peasant complaining before the assault on the castle in
Barbarian Queen II: Empress Strikes Back,
1992
On Good Ideas:
She’s got two broken ribs, a broken jaw, and a bad concussion. We’re going to keep her overnight for observation.
Savvy hospital nurse in
A Kiss Before Dying,
1991
THE STUPIDEST PROMOTIONS
P
ity the poor publicity writer. When faced with the daunting task of distinguishing his fifty-foot monster rabbit film from all those others out there, he must sit down and come up with the right words to attract viewers.
This is no easy job. But the intrepid publicity writer with the nimble mind forges ahead—and often crafts a masterpiece of excess. Replete with dreadful puns, promises of graphic titillation, and (often) allusions to larger-than-life breasts, these stupid movie promotions certainly attract attention … although possibly for the wrong reasons.
There is no such thing as bad publicity—or so the saying goes. This may indeed be true; however, we believe there certainly is such a thing as stupid publicity … as the following demonstrate.
On Youth Aflame, Startling Facts About:
STARTLING FACTS about modern girls and boys GONE WILD!
And the lengths to which they go TO GET A THRILL! YOUTH
AFLAME!
This is MEANT to shock you!
BECAUSE …
It can happen to those you love!
Trailer for
Youth Aflame,
1959
On Choppers, Punky:
They were punks, stealing hub caps for kicks, and then they went after the big stuff. Easy money. They thought they were tough until … But wait! … You see this fuel-injected, hot rod picture yourself. They call them THE CHOPPERS. Lock your cars and come and see national Champion Hot Rods in THE CHOPPERS. It’s the most. It’s wild! THE CHOPPERS.
The Choppers,
1961
On Taste in Film Production, Great 1950s Moments in:
Alive! He’s Buried Alive! You must SEE to Believe. LOOK INTO THE GRAVE! It Will Turn Your Blood to ICE—SEE—IN PERSON! Not a movie! A MAN BURIED ALIVE! F-R-E-E! “My Sin” Perfume to all girls who look into the grave and do not faint! (Ambulance on call for those that do!)
Ad that ran between features during the 1950s and 1960s
On Puns, Dreadful Moments in:
See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines … and Drive Cornel WILDE!
Ad for
Hot Blood,
1956, starring Jane Russell and Cornel Wilde
On the Swinging Sixties:
Wild beyond belief. Human garbage in the sickest love parties. When they sock it to a girl, she feels it. Depraved beyond description. A new kind of abnormal love. Warped women, motorcycle maniacs, fantastic fights.
Promo for
Satan’s Sadists,
1969
On Good Points: