Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
Stupid Movie Lines (3 page)
Teaser line from
Brain of Blood,
1971
On Breasts, Dangerous:
You make every woman in the world feel positively flat-chested. You’re a menace, that’s what you are!
Young sexpot college student Tuesday Weld to older (and more curvaceous) head of the science department—and ex-stripper—Mamie Van Doren, in
Sex Kittens Go to College,
1960
On Breasts, Giving Up on:
Oh, to hell with ’em! Let ’em droop!
Jennifer (Sharon Tate), giving up her bust improvement exercises in
Valley of the Dolls,
1967
On Breasts, Up and Downing:
You’re bad. You made my busts up and down.
The Love That Is Wrong,
1993
On Breasts, Utterly Useless:
Boobies, boobies, boobies. Nothin’ but boobies. Who needs ’em? I did great without ’em!
Neely O’Hara (Patty Duke), the formerly great starlet, in a drunken walk in the tenderloin district, in
Valley of the Dolls,
1967
On Broadway, Wholesome and Clean:
They drummed you right out of Hollywood, so you came crawling back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dope!
Susan Hayward as the Broadway star to Patty Duke as the Hollywood girl in
Valley of the Dolls,
1967
On Bummers, Big:
Ever since Karen got killed it’s been a real drag.
Teen party boy in
The Horror of Party Beach,
1964
On Bummers, Need to Avoid by Fasting:
Blue Elk:
If one has not fasted or purified oneself thoroughly—or if outsiders interfere—the spirit would be angry and make Billy sick or even take him away.
Female student:
You mean like when a kid’s tripping out, or on a real bummer?
Wise Indian teaching a grateful young student in
The Trial of Billy Jack,
1974
On Bystanders, Snappy Questions from:
You mean, they were
murdered?
Bystander to a cop, after seeing headless victims of the rampaging giant sea creature in
The Monster of Piedras Blancas,
1958
On Caesarian Lines, Chilled:
They Came … They Thawed … They Conquered …
Ad line for
The Chilling,
1989
On Call Girls, Bad Moments for:
What did you say his name was? Uh-huh … Ralph Singer, and he likes …
What did you say his name was? That’s what I thought you said
. Ralph Singer!
Why, that big palooka!
Rita the escort girl (Kathryn Keys) gets a phone call—and realizes it’s her husband, in
Escort Girl,
1941
On Canine Distinctions, Essential:
Daughter:
She has real wolves.
Mom:
I don’t want you touching those animals. They’re not like … dogs.
Daughter (Rumer Willis) having a conversation with Mom (Demi Moore) about a not-very-favorite aunt in
Striptease,
1996
On Capitalists, Deep Dreams of:
Corporation man:
I want to do one small good thing before I die.
Wife:
Such as wallowing in that tramp?
Corporate-guy-turned-freak Kirk Douglas and wife (Deborah Kerr), discussing his relationship with mistress Faye Dunaway in
The Arrangement,
1969
On Captain Kirk, Resemblances to:
I know you! All the time horny!
Oriental blackmailer to the emotionally disturbed ex-mental patient, William Shatner, in
Impulse,
1974
On Catchphrases, Corny:
Well, shuck my corn!
Sadie (Louise Fazenda), a denizen of Hillbillyland, in
Swing Your Lady,
1938
On Catchphrases, Ones that Thankfully Didn’t Catch on:
Slurp my butt!
Hudson Hawk (Bruce Willis) telling the boys from the Mob to get lost in
Hudson Hawk,
1991
On Cat Fights, Swampy:
Bob:
What can I do for you?
Billie:
Anything you like.
Bob:
What if I don’t like?
Billie:
You will.
Vera:
You dirty little dumb broad!
Bob (Mike Connors), Billie Nardo (Jil Jarmyn), and Vera Nardo (Beverly Garland) in
Swamp Women,
1955, advertised as “Flaming Passions! Weird Adventure!”
On Chauffeurs, Possible Interview Questions for:
Would you imagine me in the sack? In the hay? In the pit? That’s very apt, don’t you think? The snake pit. The writhings of snakes? F——ing like rattlesnakes. Do you like to f——, Ricky?
Aging jet-setter Joan Collins to her new love toy and chauffeur, Ricky (Peter Wight), in
The Bitch,
1979
On Cheap Sex, Ultimate Word on:
I’ve had it with cheap sex. It leaves me feeling cheap.
Strip (John Travolta) talking to Lily Tomlin in
Moment by Moment,
1978
On Cheerleaders, Typically Soiled:
Sheriff:
We need a virgin.
Debbie:
An unsoiled maiden? You got to be kidding, man.… I’ve been a cheerleader for three years!
Alisa Powell as Debbie the cheerleader in
Satan’s Cheerleaders,
1977
On Chick, the Beatnik Communications Officer:
Bill:
I’d feel a lot better if I knew what happened to Chick and the others.
Tom:
Why think about it? We all know what happened to him.
Bill:
He was a real offbeat character. But you couldn’t help likin’ the little schmo.
Gregory Walcott and John Agar discussing their missing beatnik communications officer in the Korean War film
Jet Attack,
1958
On Chiropody, Very Bad Moments for:
It’s too late for chiropody. The buzzards are already circling.
Che Guevara (Omar Sharif), explaining to Fidel Castro (Jack Palance) why they don’t have time to fix the army’s blistered feet in
Che!,
1969
On Christmas Carols, Ones That Didn’t Catch On:
You spell it S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s,
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Yeah, yeah, for Santy Claus!
He’s fat and round, but jumping jiminy,
He can climb down any chimney.
Why do we hear sleigh bells ring?
Our hearts go ding-a-ling!
Milton DeLugg and the Little Eskimos in the title song for
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,
1964
On Christopher Columbus, Sleazy:
She’s a fine vessel. Perhaps a bit top-heavy and too narrow of beam. [turning to his mistress and leering] Not unlike someone else I know!
Georges Corraface in the super-bomb
Christopher Columbus: The Discovery,
1992, starring Tom Selleck as King Ferdinand
On Civilization, Good Points About:
Professor Konrad:
Perhaps this is a civilization that exists without sex.
Lt. Larry Turner:
You call that civilization?
Professor Konrad:
Frankly, no.
Paul Birch and Patrick Waltz
, Queen of Outer Space,
1958
On the Classics, Beach Party Film-Style:
DeeDee:
The perfect boy doesn’t have to be a Hercules!
Chorus:
Hercules!
DeeDee:
The perfect boy doesn’t have to be Euripides!
Chorus:
Euripides!
DeeDee (Annette Funicello) singin’ a song about her fantasy guy in
How to Stuff a Wild Bikini,
1965
On the Classics, Unclassy:
Porthos:
If you can name me one thing that is more sublime than the feel of a plump pink nipple between my lips, I’ll build you a new cathedral.
Aramis:
Forgiveness.
Porthos:
Forgiveness? [faaaaarrrt] Forgive me?
Gerard Depardieu (Porthos) and Jeremy Irons (Aramis) establishing their characters at the beginning of
The Man in the Iron Mask,
1998
On Closing Lines, Thought-Provoking:
My friends, you have seen this incident based on
sworn testimony
. Can you prove that it didn’t happen? Perhaps, on your way home, someone will tap you in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from Outer Space!
Final ominous words in
Plan 9 from Outer Space,
1959, delivered by the narrator Criswell (who was a well-known TV psychic)
On Clothes Make the Beatnik:
If I’d known we were going to a beatnik joint for coffee and word jazz, I’d have worn my tights.
Sandra Dee in
Portrait in Black,
1960, starring Lana Turner and Anthony Quinn
On Cockpit Talk, Freudian:
Last night I dreamed I was chased by a giant banana.
First mate David Warner to pilots George Kennedy and Alain Delon in
Concorde—Airport ’79,
1979
On Cockpit Talk, Great Moments in:
Stewardess:
You pilots are such men!
Pilot:
They don’t call it the cockpit for nothing, honey!
Sylvia Kristel and George Kennedy in
Concorde—Airport ’79,
1979
On Cockpit Talk, Intergalactic:
Look, Helen, I have a very high regard for you: You’re smart and you have courage and you’re all woman.
Kip the copilot (Victor Jory) to the navigatrix (Marie Windsor) in
Cat Women of the Moon,
1954
THE STUPIDEST MOVIE MONOLOGUE
A
stupid monologue is a masterpiece in stupid movie writing. Instead of relying on interplay between two characters, the writer of the stupid monologue must rely on the dramatic build-up … or lack thereof. Often what the monologue lacks in eloquent words, it makes up for in overwrought acting—making this a truly memorable film moment.
When done successfully (which is to say, badly), these are monologues that far from achieving the level of Hamlet’s “To be or not to be” instead sink happily into a mire of overwritten muck and over-the-top hysteria. The cream of the crop go it one better by throwing in repetition, improvisation, and the requisite screaming of four-letter words.
The following, the closing scene and supposed psychological climax of the film
Tracks
, meets these criteria. A wild-eyed Dennis Hopper, who is at the cemetery after escorting his dead Vietnam War buddy’s body cross-country by train, reaches the pinnacle (which is to say, the nadir) of stupid movie monologues.
I love … I love … I love … I really love, I really do love, I really do love. I
love
, I
love
, I
LOVE
and I
hate
and I
hate
and I
hate
and
HATE
, and because I love, ’cause I love, I
HATE
’cause I love, I HATE, ’CAUSE I LOVE, ’CAUSE I LOVE—YOU
MOTHERF—ERS! YOU MOTHERF——ERSI …
T.C.B., take care of business, T.C.B., take care of business.… Okay, okay, all right. Let’s cool it out here, you
didn’t just be in the army for nothin’, mister. They send you to Nam, don’t they? They send you there. You don’t want to go to Nam. You
don’t
wanna go to Nam. I’ll take you to Nam. I’ll TAKE YOU TO NAM. You
WANNA
go to Nam? You
WANNA
go to Nam?
YOU WANNA GO THERE? I’LL TAKE YOU THERE! I’LL.…
[pause] You don’t wanna go to Nam, you don’t wanna go to Nam, I’ll take you to Nam, I’ll take you to Nam. YOU WANT TO GO TO NAM?
YOU WANT TO GO TO NAM?
Dennis Hopper as a Vietnam vet at the gravesite of his friend, yelling his lines as he jumps into the grave, opens the coffin, pulls a helmet, rifles, and ammo out of the coffin, then emerges—helmet on and two rifles in hand—as the frame freezes and credits roll, in
Tracks,
1976