Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
Stupid Movie Lines (10 page)
Hero James Cardwell (Paul) and white-girl-gone-native Lois Hall in
Daughter of the Jungle,
1949
On Killing Daddy:
This is going to ruin
everything
, isn’t it?
Heiress Meg Tilly after she accidentally kills her stepfather in
Masquerade,
1988
On Killing, Necessity of Life for:
You wouldn’t kill anything unless it was alive.
Robert Taylor speaking to Anthony Quinn in
Ride Vaquero,
1953
On Lakes, What to Say When You See:
Boy, pointing to huge lake in front of him:
Randy, is that water down there?
The Beast of Yucca Flats,
1961
On Layoffs, When Necessary:
When a man doesn’t know the difference between experimenting on an air force officer and a cadaver, I think it’s time to drop him from the team.
CIA agent (Wendell Corey) discussing a problem in
Astro-Zombies,
starring John Carradine, 1967
On Lazy Martians, Bad Excuses from:
Kimar:
Dropo, you are the laziest man on Mars. Why are you sleeping during working hours?
Dropo:
I wasn’t sleeping, Chief. It’s just that I haven’t been able to sleep these last few months. I forgot how. So I was just practicing.
Leonard Hicks and Bill McCutcheon as Santa-kidnapping Martians in
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,
1964
On Leading Men, Swell-Headed:
He’s Big Head Man, he is lousing around.
Strange English subtitle in kung fu classic
Close Escape,
1989
On Leather Men, Tough But Sweet:
April:
Oh, Dusty! You’re an angel in leather!
Dusty:
Heh, heh. I’d look funny with leather wings.
Gary Cooper as Dusty Rivers and Madeleine Carroll as April Logan in
North West Mounted Police,
1940
On Leave It to Beaver Moments, Martian-Style:
Santa on TV:
All this doll needs is tender loving care.
Girmar:
Bomar, what is a doll?
Bomar:
I don’t know, Girmar. What is “tender loving care”?
Girmar:
I don’t know either.
Kimar:
Bomar! Girmar! I told you not to watch those silly Earth programs. Now go to sleep!
Martian children Girmar and Bomar (Pia Zadora and Chris Month) being scolded by their father, Kimar (Leonard Hicks), for watching Earthly TV, in
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,
1964
On Leg Thieves, Common Retorts to:
Bastard! You stole my leg! Give it back immediately!
Man who keeps losing his wooden leg in the Indonesian film
Special Silencers
(no date)
On Letting Off Steam After Being Fired, Scary:
Ahhh. Royalty. Uh-huh. We parted friends. Eee-yah! Everyone already knows—box office poison. Heh-heh. Box office
poison!
CLASS … You’re class—you’re class. Box office poison. Eighteen years in the BUSINESS … Parted friends. EEE-UH … CREATIVE DIFFERENCES! [to her daughter] TINA! BRING ME THE
AX
!
Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway) destroying her flower garden with clippers after being fired by Louis B. Mayer in
Mommie Dearest,
1981
On Liberated Chicks:
It’s
Ms
. Teenager, please. I’m emancipated, liberated, and highly skilled in kung fu.
Young stewardess objecting to being called a “teenager” in
Airport 1975,
1974
On Life After Death, Moms and:
If your mother were alive, she’d turn over in her grave!
Anthony Quinn telling it like it is to John Turturro in
Jungle Fever,
1991
WHEN BAD LINES HAPPEN TO GOOD ACTORS
I
t happens to the best of them—actors who, faced with a new mortgage on their seventh house or in dire need of a tax write-off, find themselves forced to utter terrible lines with a totally straight face.
This may be bad luck for them, but it is a boon for the viewer—who can be mesmerized by the sight of Shakespearean actors declaiming about killer frogs, Oscar-winners emoting about chicken salad, and, of course, histrionics about wire hangers.
These lines are so noxious they might literally poison the careers of lesser actors. Here, then, are some lines that packed large doses of poison, but fortunately not enough to destroy the careers of these famous lights of the silver screen.
On Admissions, Shocking:
We made love—even in motels, God help me!
Richard Burton confessing infidelity to his wife in
The Sandpiper,
1965
On Wire Hangers, Final Words on:
No wire HANGERS! What’s wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you NO WIRE HANGERS
EVER
!
Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford after finding wire clothes hangers in her daughter’s closet in
Mommie Dearest,
1981
On Bees, Turncoat:
I never would have dreamed it would turn out to be the bees! They’ve always been our friends!
Michael Caine in
The Swarm,
1978
On Scientific Dialogue, Great Moments in:
Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.
Scientist Henry Fonda, trying to have a little chat with some angry bees in
The Swarm,
1978
On Life, Deep Thoughts on:
The world is a strange place to live in. All those cars! All going someplace! All carrying humans which are carrying out their lives! … But life, even though its changes are slow, moves on.
Narrator 1, the psychiatrist (Timothy Farrell), commenting on the passing scene in
Glen or Glenda?,
1953
On Life’s Little Ironies, Redundant:
I’m hooked by a hooker!
Down-and-out Tony Franciosa, realizing he’s fallen in love with streetwalker Gina Lollobrigida in
Go Naked in the World,
1960
On Life’s Little Problems:
Daughter:
I was in an orgy. I was a stripper. I was a streetwalker. Then in a motel a man tried to forcibly seduce me.
Mother:
There, there, dear. If you think these things are bad, wait till your children grow up.
Ann-Margret talking to mom in
The Swinger,
1966
On Light Bulbs, Poetic Thoughts About:
I’ve always felt that I had a light bulb–like thing inside of me and all my seeds were in it. If I ever let the wrong person in, the little light bulb would be jabbed, and broken! And all of me would pour out … and be gone! Forever! Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy. What am I going to do?
Vicky (Elizabeth James), the rape victim, to her protector (and cowriter) Billy Jack (Tom Laughlin) in
The Born Losers,
1967
On, Like, Problems:
Dad’s all torn up and Mom’s got, like, a harpoon in her neck.
Boy explaining the problems with the aliens at home to the police in
Critters,
1986
On Like, What Does It, Like, Remind You of …:
Well, the cross makes me think death, but the ivy is, like, sort of, the tragic and the hopeful, you know?
Ivy (Drew Barrymore) explaining why she has a cross and some ivy tattooed on her body, in
Poison Ivy,
1992
On Lines That Are Tough to Deliver with a Straight Face:
Kokumo can help me find Pazuzu!
Priest (Richard Burton) naming the African healer who will help him find the Evil One in
Exorcist II: The Heretic,
1977
On Lines That Are Crocks of …:
We had a crock of gold between us. His cock! And my crack! A crock of gold. More than love it was … it was a power!
Frieda (Helena Kallianiotes), the wacky madam, talking to Gene Hackman the gold prospector, in
Eureka,
1981
On Little Boys:
And what are little boys made of? Is it snakes and snails and puppy dog tails? Or is it brassieres! And corsets!
Narrator in
Glen or Glenda?,
1953
On Little Sisters, Good Points About:
I’m afraid the world doesn’t look at a sixty-foot man the way a sister does.
Army officer (Roger Pace) trying to break some news to the sister of an unnaturally large man in
War of the Colossal Beast,
1958
On Logic, Colossal:
Major Baird:
That’s a big footprint!
Dr. Carmichael:
The foot that made that print is about ten times the size of a normal man.
Major Baird:
That would make him about sixty feet tall.
Joyce:
Glen was sixty feet tall!
Sister of the giant man (Sally Fraser) and the authorities (Roger Pace and Russ Bender) examining a gigantic footprint and coming to some astonishing conclusions, in
War of the Colossal Beast,
1958
On Lost Loves, Great Memories of:
We never did find the gold, but we had something better: my Jack had all the nuggets we needed right between his legs.
Helena Kallianiotes as demented mining town madam Frieda, mourning her lost lover in
Eureka,
1981
On Love, Moving Descriptions of:
Junkie:
I feel like my teeth are hollow! My gums are made of rubber! My stomach’s trying to start a bonfire in the back of my bloody head!
Cop:
I think I felt that way once. They called it love.
Vanity and Carl Weathers in
Action Jackson,
1988
On Love, Not Enough Pollination and:
I’m fed up with being an undeflowered wife!
Karin Schubert as a soon-to-be-dead wife complaining to husband (and soon-to-be-murderer) Richard Burton in
Bluebeard,
1972
On Lovers We Wouldn’t Want to Have:
True love is what goes on and on, it never stops! Down and down in the water until you’re drownding
[sic]
. On the shore, in the sand, in the back
of a car. Then, it’s on the bed. It’s an electric bed, isn’t it? An electric chair, as you would say. It’s switched on and neither of us can stop it. Shouting and shuddering in an electric bed on and on and on until you think you’re dead.
Tracy (Theresa Russell), the dead man’s daughter, telling her husband what real love is at his trial, in
Eureka,
1981
On Love Scenes, Not So Moving:
Frankie:
Which are you, Kay? Girl or woman?
Kay:
I’d like to think that I’m a woman, Frankie.
Frankie: Woman!
Spend the night with me at Rosarita Beach! I think I’m in love with you!
Actor-on-the-make Frankie (Stephen Boyd) and his true love Kay (Elke Sommer) in
The Oscar,
1966
On Love, Too Much Pollination and:
Ever since we hit this town you’ve been living off me. If you think I’m going to work my tail off so you can run around with the Village chicks—oh, stop spreading the pollen around, Frankie, or else!