Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
Stupid Movie Lines (11 page)
Long-suffering Laurie (Jill St. John) to her love, the aspiring actor Frankie
(Stephen Boyd), in
The Oscar,
1966
On Lustful Men, Bad Judges of Poetry:
Kay:
When the right time comes, I’ll be special for some man, so it’s worth waiting for.
Frankie:
Most of us have to keep grabbing what’s handy.
Kay:
Well, I’m not up for grabs. If a woman doesn’t treasure herself, how can a man treasure her?
Frankie:
You make my head hurt with all that poetry.
Elke Sommer and Stephen Boyd in
The Oscar,
1966
On Mad Doctors, Why Not to Get Them Irritated:
I’d like to rip your —ing skull off, but instead I’ll make you permanently insane!
Mad doctor to pesky patient in
Hellhole,
1985
On Mad Scientists, Dull:
Well, as a scientist I am more interested in things with six legs than two. No doubt I am in the minority.
Mad scientist (George Colouris) explaining his apparent lack of interest in dames to cop in
Womaneater,
1957
On Mad Scientists, Handy Rationalizations for:
If this guy had been healthy, he’d still be alive now!
Bruce Dern, the scientist, explaining things to another scientist in
The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant,
1971
On Maggots, Complicated:
Doctor:
You know, I’ve been working for years, developing, breeding, and conditioning these maggots.… They feed on human flesh.
Nazi:
Why must it be human flesh? Why not animal?
Doctor:
I haven’t got time to explain it to you now.
Veronica Lake (the doctor) and Phil Philbin as the Nazi, discussing her new scientific breakthrough in
Flesh Feast,
1970
On ’Magination:
’Magination can get you places even faster than rocket ships!
Dondi (David Kory), poor little Italian orphan in
Dondi,
1961
On Male-Female Aging, Similarities of:
Girl:
In five years I’ll be older.
Boy:
So will I.
Cynthia Gibb and Burt Reynolds in
Malone,
1987
On Marching Spiders, Good Reasons for:
Maybe it’s some kind of custom, like the swallows of Capistrano.
Explanation of the marching spiders in the old cottage in
Kingdom of the Spiders,
1977, starring William Shatner
On Marijuana, How You Act:
Faster, faster! Play it faster! Faster. Play it faster, faster!!
Marijuana-smoking fiend to his piano-playing girlfriend, before he goes completely nuts in
Reefer Madness,
1936
On Marijuana, the Lowdown on:
That was marijuana you were smoking—worse than cocaine. See those punks over there, Marge? They were high a few minutes ago, up in the clouds. Now they’re getting low. Pretty soon they’ll be mean, ready to commit murder. Marijuana’s called the murder weed. Don’t you ever touch it again.
Actress giving another actress a tip in
The Wages of Sin,
1938
On Marijuana, What It Does:
… hopelessly, incurably insane, a condition caused by the drug marijuana.
The D.A.’s description of a reefer-madman in court in
Reefer Madness,
1936
On Marriage Proposals, Dud:
Adventurer:
Look, Erika. I’m pretty beat up, and I haven’t got much hair and I’m not too young anymore. What I mean to say is, well … I’d like you to marry me.
Erika:
It’s so difficult to think with so much danger around!
Adventurer:
Not for me, it isn’t.… Oh, well. I’d have made a lousy husband anyway.
David Farrar as the diamond-hunting African adventurer and Taina Elg, Swedish bombshell, in
Watusi,
1959
On Martian Guys, Horny:
Space officer:
Well, what did you decipher? … Let’s have it!
Space technician:
It’s just three words.
Space officer:
I didn’t ask for a word count, just give me the message!
Space technician:
We’ve checked and double-checked. It keeps coming up to the same thing. The message is—“MARS NEEDS WOMEN!”
Air force decoder to his colonel after deciphering a message from Mars in
Mars Needs Women,
1968
On Mary-Jane, Slippery:
Slippery drinks for sliding girls!
From
Marihuana, The Devil’s Weed,
1935
On Medical Speculation, Logical:
I’ve never heard of a healthy person dropping dead just because he had the desire to do so.
Suspicious doctor examining a body in
The Curse of the Doll People,
1961
On Melting Friends, What to Say to:
Oh, my God! You look awful!
Scientist to his melting friend in
Food of the Gods II,
1988
On Men, Odd:
The men I see don’t want a woman. They want me to be a thing. They want me to be a pillow. Or a table. Or a pet rabbit.
Sigourney Weaver as a high-priced hooker in
Half Moon Street,
1986
On Men’s Minds, What’s Always in:
Mike:
I kissed you. You kissed me. That’s affection, not carnality! That’s affection, not lust! You ought to know the difference!
Connie:
What do you call a man who thinks about nothing but …
Mike (kissing her passionately):
Human!
Mike Rossi, school principal (Lee Phillips), and Connie McKenzie, widow (Lana Turner), grapple with each other and with Connie’s frigidity, in
Peyton Place,
1957
On Metallic Heartthrobs:
It’s every woman’s dream to be rescued by a knight in shining armor—even if he wears it on the inside!
Kathy Christopherson (Cori) discussing the metallic superhero in
Guyver 2: Dark Hero,
1994 (which is based on a Japanese comic book)
On Metalunans, How to Explain to Earthlings:
It’s very much like the insect life on your planet. Larger, of course.
Explanation of the eight-foot-tall “Metalunan” creature given by the alien (Jeff Morrow) to Earth people in
This Island Earth,
1955
On Metaphors, a Little Strange:
You guys go out like crullers.
Policeman-with-a-mission Robert Duvall giving a karate chop to a bad guy in
Badge 373,
1973
On Metaphors, Mystifying:
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
Not-so-great English subtitle in Hong Kong kung fu film
As Tears Go By,
1988
On Metaphors, New:
Don’t be afraid of Lobo. He’s as harmless as a kitchen.
Scientist Bela Lugosi to the trembling girl heroine in
Bride of the Monster,
1953 (reportedly, Lugosi was having drug problems and refused to correct the line to “harmless as a kitten”)
On Midget Cowboys, Shooting the Breeze with:
Tex:
Rustlers!
Buck:
They left in such a hurry, they forgot their branding iron.
Tex (looking at iron):
Cheap Work Pete!
Buck:
That’s the way I read it.
Tex:
Why, that low-down cay-yote!
Midget cowboys in the all-midget musical western
The Terror of Tiny Town,
1938
On Military Questions, Important:
Houston on fire.… Will history blame me—or the bees?
The General (Richard Widmark) pondering in
The Swarm,
1978
On Military Reasoning:
Scientist:
It’s weird. Why don’t we see anyone? What happened to everybody who was hurt or killed?
Soldier:
I think I know what happened. Frankenstein got hungry and they were just available.
Explanation as to where all the bodies went in
Frankenstein Conquers the World,
1966
THE STUPIDEST ALIEN LINES
A
liens and monsters in film are often saddled with the most difficult task of all—to spout ostensibly threatening lines while parading about in a plastic costume … or (for the disembodied brain-type of monster) while floating in a glass jar or occupying an uncomfortable human body.
To complicate matters, said alien or monster must also speak in a manner appropriately alien or monsterlike on matters uniquely alien or monsterlike. This becomes especially problematic in the films exploring the convoluted love triangles with hideous monster, handsome young scientist, and woman (typically in the requisite 1950s pointy rocket-shaped bra). A fascinating question about interstellar sexual practices inevitably arises: Why do male alien monsters so often fall for young 1950s women, instead of females of their own kind? The incongruities of, for example, a giant floating alien brain named Gor lusting after a big-breasted woman with pointy rocket-shaped bra instead of a cute female alien brain makes for dialogue that borders on the absolutely ludicrous.
However, whatever the plight of the alien or monster, we can rest assured that—regardless of its form or interests—something monstrously stupid is bound to come out of its mouth (or gill … or temporal lobe …)
On Evil Brains, Choosy:
I chose your body very carefully. Even before I knew about Sally … a
very
exciting female.
Gor, the evil alien brain who has taken over scientist Dr. Steve March’s (John Agar’s) body, in
The Brain from Planet Arous,
1958
On Robot Monsters, Fascinating Dialogue from:
Great One:
Have you made the correction?
Ro-Man:
I need guidance, Great One. For the first time in my life, I am not sure.
Great One:
You sound like a hu-man, not a Ro-Man. Can you not verify a fact?
Ro-Man:
I meshed my LPI with the viewscreen auditor, and picked up a count of five.
Great One:
Error! Error! There are eight!
Ro-Man:
Then the other three still elude me. And all escape detection by the directional bearer. Is it possible they have a counterpower?
Robot Monster,
1953
On Military Speculation, Great Moments in:
Could it fly?
Military fellow wondering about the 500-foot-wingspanned pterodactyl known as
Rodan,
1957
On Miracles of the Ages, Wonderful:
The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
Ad for 3-D movie about railway construction in Africa
, Bwana Devil,
1952
On Moments, Bad:
A head without a body! A head that should be in its grave! Let me die! Let me die!
Virginia Leith, Jan the mad scientist’s decapitated fiancée, in
The Brain That Wouldn’t Die,
1962