Authors: Hilary Wynne
“Do you want to dance with me, sexy girl?” Oh hell, yes. The first time we danced was hot, and I would love to see him move
again.
“I’d love to dance with you, Ju
lian.”
“Can you s
alsa?”
“
Sí
, Julian.
Vamos a ba
ilar
.”
Julian flashes me his flirtatious smile, clicks the remote on his sound system, and the sounds of Juan Magan fill the room. He takes my drink out of my hand, sets it down, takes me in his arms, and starts moving with me to the music. I’ve seen how well Julian can move his hips, but his dancing is even sexier. I let him lead me, and I quickly get lost in the music and the delicious feeling of his body pressed against mine. The others see us dancing and start moving some of the furniture. Pretty soon the living room is a dance floor, and everyone is joining in. Julian makes sure the music keeps playing. I’m not sure what playlist he has on, but he must have gotten it from his DJ at Stellar, because it sounds like we’re in the club. Marissa and Jenna look like they’re having a blast, and I’m so happy they’re here. We dance song after song for hours. Julian is loose and relaxed, and I love seeing this side of him. He always seems a bit reserved in public, and tonight I’m getting to see a different side of him. He’s fun and flirty and has his hands all over me. There isn’t a single place I’d rath
er be.
The next time I notice the time it’s close to midnight. The night has flown by, and although I’m having an amazing night with all of our friends, I’m ready for them to leave so I can be alone with Julian. The dancing, flirting, and drinking have left me wanting him desper
ately.
I whisper seductively in his ear. “It’s time to kick all these people out. You told me you were going to fuck me all night, and that needs to start
now.”
He groans, pulls me close to him, and kisses me passionately. He whispers back, “I did promise you that, didn’t I? I never break my promises. I hope you’re ready for me, baby, because I’ve been hard for you all n
ight.”
I show him I’m ready by slipping my tongue into his mouth and grinding my hips against him. I’ve made my point. Julian turns the music down, and the others seem to immediately get the message the party is over. Everyone offers to help clean up, but Julian assures them it’s not necessary. I’d rather them leave now too, even if it means I’ll be cleaning up later. Julian says good-bye to my friends, and I walk them out to the elev
ators.
Jenna gives me a hug. “That was so much fun, Lexie. Thanks for inviting us over. You look so h
appy.”
“I’m glad you guys came. It was a fun n
ight.”
The elevator doors open, and they get in. Marissa looks at me before the doors shut and says, “You’re crazy if you have any concerns about how Julian feels about you, Lex. I watched him watching you all night. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you. He’s so into you. Try not to screw i
t up.”
I give her a big smile. “I’m trying, Mari. I’m tr
ying.”
I walk back in as the others are walking out. We all say our good-byes and promise to do this again soon. I find Julian in the kitchen cleaning up. He has changed the music on his system, and slower music is playing softly in the background. He hears me come back in and turns and looks
at me.
He sounds apologetic. “I won’t be long. I can’t leave this all out. It’ll drive me c
razy.”
I smile at him and start helping. “I figured you weren’t the type of guy to go to sleep with a big mess like this. Your condo is spotless.” I look around at the aftereffects of the party. “Or
was.”
He smiles back at me. We make small talk and get busy. Before too long, we have all the food put away, the trash picked up, and the furniture back in place. It doesn’t even look like anyone was here. Julian dims the lights in the living room, and the moon and stars are illuminating the room beautifully. Julian walks by me, and I pull him close. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tightly. We both are tired, and I’m a little buzzed. I’m also very relaxed and sense he is as well. I stare out into the night and savor the feelings of completeness I’m experiencing. We stay like that for a while, neither one of us wanting to break the mood by saying anything or moving. As we stand there in each other’s arms, I hear the intro music to a song come on. A song that says so many of the things I can’t say to Julian but want to. A song that fits our situation better than any other we’ve shared. It’s the song “Stay” by Rihanna and Mickey Ekko. I ask him to turn the volume up a little. I don’t need to say anything else. As the lyrics play, we look deeply into each other’s eyes and mentally sing the words to each
other.
Julian sings the last verse to me out loud as he stares into my
soul.
Not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you
move,
makes me feel like I can’t live withou
t you.
It takes me all th
e way.
I want you to stay, stay. I want you to
stay.
The emotions racing through my body are the rawest I’ve ever felt. I’m stripped down and exposed, and I know Julian can see and feel everything I’ve been holding back. I want this man to desire me, need me, and most of all love me. I want him to feel like he can’t live without me because that’s how I’m feeling right now in this moment. I have no idea what the morning light will bring, and I’m sure before long I’ll be back on the rollercoaster of emotions I’ve been on since I met him. Deep down I know I’m not quite ready to let him totally in yet, but I know now with absolutely certainty I wa
nt to.
Julian’s mouth finds mine, and every emotion he’s feeling pours into me through his kiss. It’s deep, searching, and laden with desire. I melt into his embrace and get lost in the feel of his lips and tongue on my face, my neck, and my hungry mouth. We’ve spent the last few weeks in a tug of war, fighting for control of what’s happening between us. Until tonight I’ve held my ground. Right now I just want to be his, so I let go of the rope. No games, no sarcasm, no holding back. I press my lips to his ear and whisper, “I’m yours Julian. I want to stay, and if you want me, I’m y
ours.”
Julian doesn’t answer me. Instead, he picks me up and carries me to his bedroom. He does break a promise to me tonight, but it’s okay. Julian doesn’t fuck me all night long. He makes love to me slowly, passionately, and with nothing held back. We spend the next few hours completely lost in each other’s bodies and hearts, and as I fall asleep in his arms, I know, deep in my core, whether or not I’m willing to tell him, Julian Bauer owns my heart. I just hope he doesn’t bre
ak it.
The sun shining through the top of the window shades wakes me up. Morning has come way too soon. I immediately feel the absence of Julian next to me, and as I open my eyes and roll over, I get confirmation I’m in the bed alone. We didn’t get much sleep last night, and my head is pounding from lack of sleep as well as the drinks I had. I glance at the clock and see it’s only nine thirty. Ugh. Why am I up so early on a Sunday? And where the hell is Julian? I pull on my shorts and tank top, brush my teeth, use the bathroom, and head out to find him. He’s standing outside on the terrace, and I see he either went for a run or to the gym downstairs. He’s dressed in white athletic shorts, tennis shoes, and nothing else. I hope he wasn’t running through the streets of South Beach looking this hot without my supervision. He’s dripping with sweat and looks sexy as hell. I admire him for a minute or two before I slide the door open and joi
n him.
“You should have woken me up.” I stand next to him and take in the gorgeous
views.
He turns and flashes me a smile. “You were sound asleep, and I didn’t have the heart to wake you. I wanted to get a workout in before I went into
work.”
My heart sinks a little. I’m not sure why it didn’t occur to me he would be working today, but it didn’t, and I’m disappointed. The man owns a hotel, and I’m not sure why I thought he would just hang out with me al
l day.
Julian grabs a towel and dries himself off a little bit. “Are you hungry, or do you want some co
ffee?”
“Just coffee, please.” I follow him inside and sit on a stool at the massive island. Julian makes me a cup of coffee, and I notice he must have been paying attention when I made it yesterday. He makes it perfectly with one sweetener and a splash of
cream.
“Thank you.” Julian hands me the coffee, kisses me on the forehead, and begins to make himself a protein shake. When he’s done, he turns and leans against the island. He looks like he’s about to say something he knows I won’t like. His tone is apologetic, and I feel myself tensing up immedi
ately.
“I want to let you know now that the next two weeks are going to be super busy for me. We’re implementing a new reservation system starting tomorrow, which may or not may not be a good idea as far as timing goes. I’m hoping it fixes all the problems we’ve been having, but I could end up with more problems than I started with. I’m also going on a business trip to Naples and Sanibel to check out some properties we’re thinking of buying. Danny, my Dad, and I are heading out Wednesday morning, and I’m not sure what time we’ll be back on Su
nday.”
I take it all in. He’s basically telling me he won’t have any time for me over the next week. I guess that’s why he wanted to spend this weekend together. I look at him stoically, but a sinking feeling is growing in my belly. The reality of his life is colliding with the reality of my insecurities. I remain silent, and he cont
inues.
“And next week is going to be crazy too. You’ve lived here all your life; you know how busy Memorial Day weekend is here. We’re totally sold out, and we have a bunch of events on the calendar. We have several live acts playing, starting Wednesday night. I need to be around as much as possible in case anything goes w
rong.”
Okay. Make that two weeks. All the warm fuzzies I was feeling this morning dissipate as I realize the little bubble Julian and I have been in this weekend has popped. I process all the information that he just gave me but get stuck on his mention of Memorial Day Weekend and his choice of words. I mean, what could possibly go wrong over Memorial weekend, I think snidely to myself. I’ve been trying as hard as I can to push away any thoughts of it because I know it will be full of painful memories for me. I’m still not sure how I’ll be able to get through it all without freaking out. Maybe it’s a good thing Julian’s going to be busy the next two weeks. If he’s focusing on work, he won’t be focusing on me. I start to feel anxious thinking about it, and apparently Julian sees or sens
es it.
He takes my hand and squeezes it. “Alexa, I’ll make time for you, and we will see each other. I just wanted you to know what was going on so you don’t think I’m blowing you
off.”
Uh-oh. I begin to feel the anxiety start pulsing through me. I yank my hand away before he feels how sweaty it is and how it’s beginning to shake. He looks hurt by my rejection. Damn it, this is coming on quickly. I stand up and walk toward the bedroom. There’s no chance I’m going to let Julian see this pla
y out.
I call back over my shoulder, “It’s totally fine, Julian. I’m not worried about it. I know you’re a busy man. I really don’t expect you to spend all of your time with me. I have a life
too.”
I’m rattling away trying to mask the fact I’m headed toward a mini meltdown. I grab my bag and hurry into the bathroom. I lock the door behind me so Julian can’t follow me. I turn the water on and step in before it’s even warm. The cool water is oddly soothing and helps calm me a bit. I sit down on the floating bench and bring my knees up to my chest. I take deep breaths and let the water beat down on me until my heartbeat is steady again. It doesn’t take very long, and I’m thankful the duration of these recent panic attacks has been shorter. When I’m sure I’m okay, I stand up and finish taking a shower. I dry myself off and get dressed. I put on the last of the clothes I brought for the weekend, a white cotton miniskirt and a navy and white, striped tank top. I pull my wet hair back into a ponytail. I’m assuming I’m heading home soon, so there’s no need for me to get ready to go anywhere, but I’m hoping my outward appearance masks my inner turmoil. I put a little powder, mascara, and lip gloss on. I slide into white-and-blue Onex cork, wedge sandals. When I walk out of the bathroom twenty minutes later, I’m surprised I don’t find Julian waiting for me in the bedroom. I pick up the rest of my stuff, throw it in my bag, and head out with it to the living room. He’s not there either. I notice the sliding glass door is cracked open and correctly assume he’s back out on the terrace. Julian is sitting on one of the chaise lounges with his eyes shut. He hasn’t changed his clothes. I sit on the chair to his right. He turns his head so he’s looking at me, and I see a mixture of emotions in his eyes. I see confusion, frustration, and a little sadness staring back at me, and after the incredible night we had last night, I don’t blame him for being upset with me. I’m upset wi
th me.
“What was that about, Alexa?” His question is direct, and I know he isn’t going to let me talk my way around this. I try a
nyway.
“Nothing, Julian. Everything is good. But I was thinking, it’s probably a good idea for me to drive myself here next time I come over, so you don’t have to take me home. It’s totally inconvenient when you need to go to
work.”
He shakes his head at me, sits up, and turns so he’s directly in front of me. “You asked me not to let you screw this up, so I’m going to ignore that comment, and you’re going to tell me why, after the amazing night of love making we shared, you’re recoiling from my touch. I must have missed something here, because last night I couldn’t touch you en
ough.”
Yeah okay. I’m not getting out of this unless I want to start a big fight with Julian. Maybe if I acknowledge it and apologize, he’ll let it go. I reach over and grab his hand. “I’m sorry, Julian. Of course I want you to touc
h me.”
Julian’s eyes turn dark, and he pulls his hand away. “Damn it, Alexa, are you going to tell me why you just had a panic attack, or let me assume something about being with me freaks you out so badly you need to run away? And don’t bother denying it. I felt your hand and saw the panicked look in your
eyes.”
Damn it is right. Note to self: add annoyingly perceptive to my list of Julian’s strengths. I’m embarrassed and feel like an idiot, so of course my response is sarcastic and defe
nsive.
“Fine. I have panic attacks. If you want to take credit for that last one, go ahead, but in reality they just come and go as they pl
ease.”
“Really, Alexa? Is that how it works for you? Because when I used to get them, it usually happened because of a tri
gger.”
He doesn’t sound sarcastic, but I know he’s being facetious. Why am I not surprised we have something else in c
ommon?
“Okay, Julian, you win. I’m not surprised you figured it all out. I don’t seem to be able to get anything past you.” I try to lighten the mood by changing my tone. It obviously doesn’t work because when Julian responds, he’s still totally serious and looks a little
hurt.
“Why do you feel the need to get anything past me? I thought we decided we were trying to make this ha
ppen.”
Geez. This is way too heavy of a conversation for me this morning, but he isn’t letting it go. I continue to deflect and try to make my tone sound flirty. “A girl has to have her secrets, Ju
lian.”
Uh-oh. My deflection is an epic fail, and now Julian’s empathetic look has been replaced by a pissed one. “Is that how you really feel, Alexa? That secrets are okay? Because if you do, this relationship stops right here, right
now.”
He’s glaring at me, and I know he’s serious. Apparently Julian has some nonnegotiables as far as relationships go. I need to carefully word my response, because while I agree with him that secrets aren’t a healthy part of a relationship, I know I’m hiding a whole lot of stuff from him, and if I totally agree with him here, I’m going to be a big hypo
crite.
“Julian, we’ve known each other for like five minutes, and I’ve been very upfront about my trust and intimacy issues. There are a lot of things you don’t know about me yet, good and bad. I’m sure that’s the case with you too. I want you to know me, but I’d prefer it be the good stuff first. The panic attacks are not the good stuff. I’m embarrassed you saw any of it, and I needed to get away before you saw all of it. But in answer to your question, your touch isn’t a trigger. I mean it triggers my body in all kinds of delicious ways but not in any bad
ones.”
Julian just sits there for a minute with his head down. He finally looks back up and takes my hands in his. “Alexa, do you think you and I are at a place where we should be sharing serious things, you know, important things about our pasts? This isn’t a trick question with a right or wrong answer, but I would appreciate you at least telling me the truth about
that.”
I wonder what he thinks I’m lying to him about, but I decide not to ask. I’m still in defensive and protective mode, and I need to be very smart with my an
swers.
“Before I answer that, can you tell me why you’re even asking me the ques
tion?”
Julian looks at me with a sincerity that melts my heart. “I’m not saying this to hurt or offend you, Alexa, but you seem to just not really know where you want this relationship with us to go. One minute you’re pulling me close, and the next you’re pushing me away. I can
see
how you feel when I look in your eyes, and I can
feel
you care when I touch you, but you don’t
tell
me anything about yourself. And because you don’t tell me anything, I’m not sure what it is you want to hear fro
m me.”
“Well, Julian. I guess you’re just better at this relationship stuff than I am.” I’m half joking, half serious with a heaping dose of sarcastic thrown in. I’m feeling a little bit backed into a corner, and I don’t like it. He hasn’t shared much either, so I’m not sure why I’m on the hot seat
here.
He snorts. “Better at it? I bet if we ever did have that talk—you know, the one where we ‘share’ relationship histories—we’d find out you’d be the one with more relationship experi
ence.”
He’s totally trying to make a point about my inability or unwillingness to share information about my past. What Julian doesn’t understand is
why
I don’t ask him a lot of questions. Yes, I’m scared to hear the answers because of my insecurities and trust issues. But it’s more than that. I don’t ask because then I feel obligated to reciprocate and share something about me. I’m not good with the quid pro quo m
ethod.
“Me? I’m sure you’d have me beat hands down, Julian.” I quickly run through a mental checklist of my past relationships: Tony in junior high, Adam in high school, Ryan and Scott each for a few months in college, and Brady. It all totals up to about five years’ worth of committed (if you really want to call it that) relationship time in my twenty-five years of life. I’m hardly an e
xpert.
“Not that you’re asking, Alexa, but since the age of eighteen, I’ve been in one relationship. One. Until
now.”
The last part of that sentence makes my heart skip a beat. I can’t help but smile, but my walls are still up, and my sarcasm is still flowing. “One, Julian? Seriously? I doubt you’ve spent more than a few weeks tops alone,
ever.”
“Seriously?” Okay, I’m not the only one feeling defensive. “I haven’t spent much time by myself, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been alone. I know you know the difference, r
ight?”
Unfortunately,
I do.
“I’m great at dating, Alexa, and I think I’m pretty good at fucking. I can show a girl a great time. I know where to take her, what to buy her, how to make her come. And I’m not gonna lie. I’ve done a lot of that. But relationships? I haven’t been in one for eight y
ears.”
I just sit there looking at him. Of course I want to know why he’s been single so long. I’ve wanted to know since the day I met him, because I’ve never understood why he wasn’t already married. But I never asked because I’m sure it will ruin me when he tells me about the one girl that broke his heart and got away. I don’t want to hear that he has never quite gotten over her. I’m feeling so many emotions for the first time with Julian, and I don’t want to know he’s already experienced this kind of connection with another woman before. Nope, staying quiet here. After a few minutes of my silence, he sighs and asks
again.