Sex Made Easy (34 page)

On the other hand, if your partner shares a sex idea that you're excited about or open to, that's great. When you share your excitement with your partner, he or she may feel proud that they shared their sex idea or fantasy with you, and reassured that you're into the idea. Again, if you have questions or curiosities, you two still have the chance to learn more together before taking the plunge. Just because you're both game for trying something new doesn't mean you have to try it right away. There's always time to read a book, buy some lube, charge your batteries, buy a new sex toy, or do whatever you need to do to prepare for your sexploration.

Define something you “don't want to do.” If the thing your partner wants to do horrifies you or would make you feel very uncomfortable, remember that you never need to do anything sexual that you don't want
to do. You can say no. If you have a partner who doesn't let you say no or who abuses you, talk to someone you trust and get help, such as from a health care provider, counselor, or domestic abuse organization.

If, on the other hand, your partner wants to do something that doesn't particularly excite you but doesn't horrify you either, ask yourself if you might be willing to play with them in this way. Sex is, after all, an adult form of play. When I was growing up, I liked to play with Barbie dolls and my sister liked to play with My Little Pony dolls. Neither of us were big fans of the others' games but we only had each other and no other siblings. We were, if you will, in an “exclusive, non-sexual, but monogamous sibling relationship”—in other words, two sisters with no other brothers or sisters. How did we make this work? Well, we certainly didn't only play games that we both liked playing, games like Operation and Monopoly. Rather, we made deals. We played each other's favorite games even though they weren't our own favorites. I played My Little Pony even though it wasn't my favorite. And a few minutes into playing with her, I often found myself having fun. My sister would play Barbie with me, dressing them up and combing their hair and taking them to their fancy activities. And though she probably didn't admit it growing up, I think she had fun doing it more often than not.

Sex isn't much different. You just have to be a willing, giving, open-minded partner who cares enough about the person they're with that they're willing to do things that wouldn't normally top their “favorite sex things” list. If your partner likes to 69 and you don't, would it bother you that much to put their genitals in your mouth while they lick or kiss yours? Probably not—especially if it meant that your partner was willing to do the thing you enjoy (Make out for an hour? Have sex in the car? Let you use a vibrator on him or her? You get the picture). This is especially important if you are in a monogamous relationship and only have each other to play with, much as my sister and I only had one another. Try to be open-minded with your partner. After all, it's not terribly fair to refuse to go down on your partner if you're not willing to ever let them receive oral sex from anyone else and they are someone who loves oral sex. If you're going to nix any possibility of you two being with others, then at least be open-minded and playful with each other to the extent you can be. You still get to veto anything
you absolutely don't want to do; but do try to imagine a greater number of sexual possibilities. Who knows? You might end up liking something new yourself.

If your partner wants to watch porn with you and you're into porn yourself, great! Talk about your interests and try to find one that interests both of you enough to want to watch it together. Then talk about how you want to do it. Will it be a straight-up movie night with popcorn while you watch porn and laugh about it together (some people see porn as a form of comedy)? Does one of you want to use it as “background” to your own sexual sharing? Or do you want to watch it for inspiration and then try out some of the sex positions or sex acts you observe? Talk about it first, then put it into play.

If you're not into porn, ask yourself if you would be willing to give it a try with your partner. Are there certain conditions that might make it more palatable? As the partner who's not-so-into-it, you have a good deal of negotiating power. Use it. You could agree to watch porn together under the condition that you get to pick the porn movie or that you get to pick three movies or online video clips. Having a choice gives you more freedom to move on to the next one if the first one is unappealing. Remember, too, that you can push “pause” or end the video any time you want. If you try it and don't like it, that's OK. Ask your partner what he or she likes about porn, and why he or she wants to watch it together. Hearing your partner's perspective might help you to see porn through their eyes and may end up inspiring you to like something you never knew you'd be into.

Start with a reality check. Ask yourself what you mean by “too much porn.” The vast majority of men in countries where porn is readily available—whether in the form of magazines, books, films, videos, or online clips—have watched porn. Most women in the US have seen porn too,
although it's less clear how many women who have watched porn have done so in order to feel aroused or make their orgasm easier versus to please their partner.

Some people feel that watching any amount of porn is simply “too much porn,” and if you and your partner are in agreement that porn shouldn't be part of your private or shared sexual lives, then you may have a case for asking him or her to nix it. Better yet, though, check in and see if you both still feel that way. People change, as do their beliefs about sex (and sometimes porn). Make sure that you're not pressuring or coercing your partner to be someone they're not or to feel bad or ashamed about their sexuality.

Other people have a sense that porn is a common part of many people's sexual lives and isn't necessarily a problem. Many men I've spoken with have told me that watching porn is a very different experience to them from sex with a real live human partner. They often cannot understand why their girlfriends or wives get upset that they watch porn, particularly as it's something that most men do, or have done, and they often grew up watching porn. A number of my male college students report having watched porn since they were eight, ten, or twelve years old, often skirting around their parents' restrictions and parental-control computer programs in order to find porn and keep it hidden on the family computer. If you think your partner's porn use might be more frequent than you'd like but not a problem, try to reassure yourself of two things: (1) that your partner's porn use isn't necessarily a bad thing if it's not hurting your relationship and (2) that it's OK to feel bothered by it, and that expressing this to your partner in a gentle way that doesn't involve blame or criticism can be healthy. It's OK to say something like, “I want you to know how I feel about your watching porn because I think it would help if we could talk about my feelings and if you could help me to understand yours.”

In rare cases, someone may feel as though their or their partner's sexual behavior, including their porn watching, is truly out of control. I know of several men who would seek out illegal porn during times in their lives when they were feeling stressed out because of work or family issues, and in some instances this led to the men being arrested. I know of other
instances in which men and women have watched porn so frequently that they used it to avoid having sex with or being intimate with their partner. That can certainly be a problem. It doesn't necessarily mean that the person has a “porn addiction” (many sex researchers, including me, are uncomfortable using the term “porn addiction”). However, it may mean that they could use help learning to control their behavior and deal with their relationship issues head-on rather than hide from them. People who have difficulty in these areas can often benefit from seeing a counselor or therapist—preferably one (in my opinion) who doesn't subscribe to the whole “porn addiction” model.

The bottom line is this: ask yourself whether your partner's porn use is truly too much. If not, try to adjust your perspective and maybe even join in on occasion to see how you might be able to incorporate porn into your shared sexual life. And if the porn use is a problem, seek help together from a counselor or therapist.

As you may guess from my response to the porn addiction issue above, I'm not a fan of the “addiction model” as it relates to sex. I don't buy into the idea that people are generally addicted to porn or sex the way they may be to alcohol or drugs. That doesn't mean that some people don't have great difficulty regulating their sexual behavior and their impulses. I know of a number of people (mostly men, but some women) who have found it very difficult to control their sexual behavior. Some of these individuals have risked their relationships or even gotten arrested for breaking into friends' houses to go through their underwear drawers and masturbate. Another person I'm aware of used to sneak into a firehouse to try on firemen's clothes for sexual gratification. Others have masturbated so often or with such force that they have unintentionally rubbed their genital skin raw, and then done it again the next week. Some other people have risked acquiring HIV, or risked their relationship or marriage, by having unprotected sex with people whose names they didn't know, and they couldn't stop doing so no matter how hard they tried.

I hope that by reading about these instances you get a sense of the types of sexual behaviors that those of us who work in the fields of sex research or therapy often find “problematic.” They tend to involve people putting themselves in extreme situations and wanting to change their behavior, but feeling challenged by a sense that they are unable to control it. This is far different from the cases of “sex addiction” I often get asked about in my work. Too often, women have told me that they worry their partner is “addicted to sex” because he wants to have sex with them every day or because he masturbates three times a week. Wanting to have sex with one's partner every day may be ambitious, but it's unlikely to be an addiction. And masturbating several times a week is common among men; some women masturbate frequently too (though more often when they're younger and more often when they're not regularly having sex with a partner).

If you and your partner have different sex drives or sexual preferences or interests, that's one thing—and it's not likely that they have an “addiction” just because they want more sex or kinkier sex than you do. If your partner finds it difficult to control their sexual behavior—and particularly if you or your partner finds that sex is getting in the way of your relationship, family life, or employment or that they or you are running the risk of getting arrested—you may find it helpful to speak with a sex therapist.

Based on limited scientific data, fisting appears to be a relatively uncommon sexual behavior; however, it's certainly one that many men and women try, enjoy—and have questions about. There are several important things to know if you and your partner are considering trying fisting. First, you should read a great deal about vaginal or anal fisting before engaging in either one. Two options include
A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting
(Greenery Press) and
Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World
(Bright Stuff). Second, contrary to what many people guess, fisting has nothing to do with inserting a full fist into a person's vagina or anus. That would hurt most people—badly. Rather, fisting typically involves starting slowly with inserting one lubricated finger, then two lubricated fingers, and
so on. As a couple becomes more familiar with each other, and more experienced, they may decide to try inserting an entire well-lubricated and often glove-covered hand into the vagina or anus (the glove being a disposable latex glove or similar, not a winter glove!). The hand is
not
made into a fist first; instead, people tend to smoosh their fingers together in a shape almost like a bird's beak so as to make the size of their hand as small and comfortable as possible for insertion. See? It gets complicated. That's why I suggest reading a great deal about fisting before trying it; that way, you have a higher chance of having a safer and more pleasurable experience than one that hurts. Fisting is also one of those sexual behaviors that are best done with someone you know very well, trust completely, and feel you can say anything to—including “Stop,” “More,” or “Be gentle.”

Hopefully you're using handcuffs with a safety release, such as a button or latch on the side that can be pressed for a quick release without needing a key. If not—and if you or your partner is stuck inside the handcuffs—do not attempt to cut them loose on your own. Instead, go to the emergency room for assistance or call the paramedics if you cannot safely get to the emergency room on your own. You may be able to call your local police department for help as well.

In a 2007 study, researchers at the University of Vermont surveyed 349 women and men ages eighteen to seventy who were in relationships. They found that in the previous two months alone, 98 percent of men and 80 percent of women had had a sexual fantasy involving another person.
⁶
This tells me that in many ways we are similar to other animals in that sexual desire and arousal are natural impulses. Just because a person's own values or culture puts sex into a neat little box—one that says we should only have sexual thoughts, feelings, or fantasies about a monogamous-relationship partner—it doesn't mean that that's how our minds and bodies work. It is
common to have sexual fantasies about people other than one's relationship partner. As the old saying goes, “It doesn't matter where your partner gets their appetite, as long as they eat at home” (at least that's the case for people in monogamous relationships).