Sex Made Easy (15 page)

In the study I conducted at Indiana University, I asked women about their experiences with what I call “exercise-induced orgasms.” In the study, women wrote about a number of experiences having orgasms, often by accident, while doing sit-ups, pull-ups, yoga, or other exercises as children, teenagers, or adults. We don't particularly understand how these exercise-induced
orgasms happen. Certainly some of them seem to involve friction, such as rubbing one's genitals on a bicycle seat or shimmying up a rope in PE class. For example, one woman in our study described her experience with an exercise-induced orgasm in this way:

Other women, however, describe orgasms during exercise that don't seem to be caused by friction or their clitoris rubbing up against anything in particular. Some of these instances seem to have more to do with the use of abdominal exercises (which reflects why so many people call these types of orgasms “coregasms,” as they engage the core abdominal muscles). In describing this type of orgasm, one woman wrote,

Working on this study convinced me just how different women are in their experience of orgasm. Even though women in my study experienced orgasm during exercise, they had their own individual ways of doing so.
Some women experienced them while during sit-ups, while sit-ups didn't work at all for other women, who instead were able to experience orgasm while swimming, biking, or doing yoga. Again, we are all unique and need to find what is pleasurable or orgasmic for ourselves rather than try to measure up to some pretend standard of what “everybody else is doing” (especially since that's usually wrong anyway).

Abdominal exercises performed on the Captain's Chair (pictured) were among the most common forms of exercises that women reported led them to experience orgasm.

If it happens once or twice, it's probably not a big deal, though you should always mention health concerns to your doctor. If you frequently have headaches that begin when you experience orgasm, or if they're becoming more common, definitely bring this to the attention of your doctor and/or ask for a referral to a neurologist. A 2003 study of fifty-one individuals with sex-related headaches found that they were more common among men (by about three to one), but that doesn't mean women never get them.
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Some severe headaches are linked to use of recreational drugs, such as marijuana and cocaine. Others are linked to vascular disorders, which is why such headaches should always be mentioned to one's health care provider.

Sexual side effects are common with certain antidepressants. Many people find this improves after a few weeks or a few months of taking medication. Others find that their sexual side effects don't go away, and they may become distressed by them and ask their health care provider whether it would be possible for them to switch to another antidepressant that doesn't pose as much of a risk. Sometimes this is a solution that works.

For mild depression or anxiety, some women and men find that they are able to work with a therapist to treat their problem without medication. Relaxation exercises and cognitive behavioral therapy are helpful for many people. Sometimes people see such significant improvement in their lives that they no longer need medication. For some people, however, medication is a very important part of treatment, and it may be that sexual side effects come along as an unfortunate part of the package. If you find it difficult to orgasm thanks to good old antidepressant side effects, you might try adding a vibrator to your sexual routine (whether masturbation, sex play with a partner, or intercourse). Vibration can make orgasms easier for both women and men. Others find that spending time relaxing and focusing on foreplay, amping up
one's arousal, enhances the overall sexual experience and helps orgasm along. Finally, a study published in the
Journal of the American Medical Association
in 2008 found that the use of sildenafil (Viagra) may help alleviate some of the sexual side effects that are common to certain antidepressants.
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Of course, not everyone wants to take yet another pill, but for those who are open to the idea, it is something to discuss with a health care provider.

As we age, so do our bodies—and, to some extent, our orgasms. Noticing a change in orgasmic feel is a normal part of aging. The muscles that surround the vagina, uterus, and anus all play a role in orgasmic contractions and, of course, muscles throughout our bodies tend to become weaker with age unless we do what we can to strengthen them. Being pregnant can also weaken women's pelvic floor muscles, which is one reason why women who have been pregnant often have a greater risk of incontinence (peeing when one doesn't mean to pee).

That said, there are several steps you can take to maintain or gain as much orgasmic strength as is possible. Kegel exercises (described in
chapter 1
) can help maintain or build pelvic floor muscle tone. Staying fit, particularly through cardiovascular exercise, may also help you feel more energetic, in and out of bed. As a good deal of sexual response has to do with blood flowing through one's body, it may be that cardiovascular exercises (such as walking, running, swimming, playing tennis, or basketball) will help with your experience of sexual arousal and even orgasm. Some women find that adding a vibrator to their private or partnered sex play adds more intensity to their orgasms. You might experiment with various intensities of vibration in order to see what works for you; for example, some women prefer using low-intensity vibrations to create a slow buildup that ultimately results in a more intense experience of orgasm for them. Other women find that more intense vibration is more pleasurable for them and results in a stronger orgasm. Fantasizing about sex can also help to make orgasm feel easy to come by or stronger when it occurs.

In addition, feelings of intimacy and connection cannot be overlooked
in the experience of orgasm. Some women find that kissing their partner more often throughout sex helps them feel sexy, loved, lustful, or more excited—all of which can translate into a more satisfying response to sex or experience of orgasm. And for many couples, emotional intimacy begins far before they ever take off their clothes or get into bed. For many people, and especially for women, feeling as if one's partner “sees them” or “gets them” is important for sexual desire, satisfaction, and ease of orgasm.

If orgasm is important to you, then try, try, and try some more. For reasons that are not well understood (there is strikingly little research on sex after having a baby), women's bodies and sexual response may be very different after they've given birth—sometimes in surprisingly good ways. Because these changes are not predictable, it's not as easy as suggesting that new mothers try missionary or woman on top because pleasurable and orgasmic sex may come with any number of sex positions or sex acts.

My best advice for new moms, then, is to keep an open mind and explore their sexuality as if they were starting over with a new slate. Even if missionary didn't do much for you before, it might now. Who knows? Try missionary, woman on top, reverse cowgirl, spooning, scissors, oral sex, breast play, sensuous massage, and so on. Get a book focused on sex positions and go through them, trying each at least two or three times (unless it's uncomfortable, painful, or simply doesn't appeal to you and your partner—then feel free to skip it). Try to be patient too. I know that's much easier said than done, but it can often take six or more months after having a baby to feel like oneself again sexually. Some women take longer than others, particularly if childbirth was traumatic or involved a great deal of tearing.