Sex Made Easy (19 page)

When I teach human sexuality classes to college students, I don't share
stories from my personal sex life. Yet I often feel that personal stories have the potential to add significant value to learning, particularly for such a taboo topic as sexuality. I hope that because I shared this experience, some of you will walk away with a new perspective on premature ejaculation. If your partner comes very quickly, try to imagine a more positive way to look at your situation. Spending more time together in ways that help you laugh, dance, joke, share deep feelings, and enjoy each other's company may help you build such a strong chemistry or closeness that the length of time it takes for him to ejaculate simply stops mattering to you. To judge an entire relationship by the speed with which semen flows out of a man's penis seems a waste to me, especially when there is so much pleasure to be had if only you can open your eyes to it. Men often carry around a great deal of embarrassment and shame related to how their penis works (or doesn't work) and how long (or how quickly) it takes them to ejaculate. Try to help your partner feel positively about his sexuality and you may end up with a better sex life for it.

C
oming too quickly isn't the only ejaculation issue men experience, although it is the most common. A minority of men take a very long time to ejaculate (called “delayed ejaculation”) and wish they could come more quickly.

In his book
The New Male Sexuality
, the late sex therapist Bernie Zilbergeld noted that a number of his patients with delayed ejaculation tended to rely on uncommon masturbation techniques.
⁵
In my years working as a sex columnist and sex educator, I, too, have heard from a number of men who find it difficult or impossible to ejaculate and probably 90 percent of them describe masturbating in ways that are different from many other men's techniques. Specifically, many men with delayed ejaculation will tell me that ever since childhood or adolescence they have masturbated by rubbing their penis against the carpet or their bed or, in some cases, using a very strong vibrating device (such as a vibrating back massager) for masturbation.

Like many scientists who study sex, I don't know which came first. Do these men have a difficult time ejaculating because they've trained their bodies to respond to things like rubbing against a carpet or bed (and then when they go to have vaginal sex, oral sex, or anal sex, it just doesn't feel the same)? Or did they start masturbating against the carpet or bed (or with a vibrator) because they first tried using their hands and found that it didn't work out, perhaps because their genitals aren't as sensitive as other men's genitals? We don't know. I do know, though, that many of the men I've talked to have been able to learn to ejaculate more quickly and easily during oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex, or masturbation. Here's how:

I ask them to consider trying to vary their masturbation routine at home. I suggest that they avoid the carpet or bed routine for several days, allowing them to build sexual tension and arousal. Then, when they masturbate, I encourage them to try it with a dry hand one day and a well-lubricated hand the next time several days later. I encourage them to use sexual fantasy occasionally and sexual materials (whatever they find exciting, such as books, stories, audio CDs or podcasts, or porn videos) another time. By varying their masturbation routine, many men are able to eventually train their body to ejaculate in new ways—and, at some point, to do so with a partner as well. Of course, a new masturbation routine takes time and it isn't a quick fix. Having a caring, supportive, and patient partner is helpful as well (and so is sex therapy, particularly for long-standing cases of delayed ejaculation).

The number-one rule when dealing with a man who comes quickly is to be kind and compassionate. If you're thinking to yourself, “Who wouldn't be kind?”, let me tell you who: many of the people I hear from. It's not that they're bad people. However, false myths about men's sexuality suggest that they should all naturally have a magical ability to last as long as men in porn films or Hollywood movies. These myths contribute to many men feeling ashamed and embarrassed that they cannot last longer. Also, many women who take some time to reach orgasm blame men who come quickly for their lack of orgasm (“I need at least fifteen minutes of sex before I can have an orgasm,” they might say, “and when you come that fast, I don't get a chance to come”). I've heard far too many women say, “He's just selfish!”—as if their partner purposely chose to come quickly or leave them feeling sexually frustrated.

Just as most women don't purposely take a long time to orgasm, the roughly one-quarter to one-third of men who come more quickly than they'd like aren't speeding it up on purpose. It's a rare man who can come exactly when he wants to and adjust his timing (coming more quickly or lasting longer) to please his partner.

If you and your partner are both into the idea of him lasting longer, try to be supportive of him learning how, which can take time. There are several strategies to try including

•
Using desensitizing condoms.
Available in many drugstores and online, these condoms work by using desensitizing substances (included in a lubricant that lines the inside of the condom) to slightly decrease sensation in a man's penis, thus helping him to last a minute or two longer during sex—and in some cases, a bit longer (see sidebar on page 127).

•
Practicing the Stop-Start and/or Squeeze Techniques.
Detailed earlier in this chapter, these two techniques help some men create long-term changes with their ejaculatory control.

•
Relaxation strategies.
For many men, performance anxiety or other forms of stress and anxiety contribute to, or cause, rapid and uncontrolled ejaculation. Deep breathing, meditation, mindfulness, and other relaxation techniques can help men learn to relax during sex, enjoy their bodily sensations, and experience more pleasurable—yet controllable—sexual experiences.

•
Practicing yoga.
Several studies have found that men who practice yoga often experience improvements in their sexual function, including better ejaculatory control, perhaps due to enhanced focus and attention on their bodily sensations combined with improvement in their ability to relax.
⁶

•
Prescription medications.
Some medications, including some prescription
antidepressant medications, have been tested and found to be effective at helping men last longer.
⁷
This is often considered a “last resort” strategy for rapid ejaculation, with relaxation techniques and the Stop-Start Technique being among the earlier recommended strategies, but it's a good one for many men. Ask your health care provider for more information.

A small percentage of men—probably fewer than 5 percent—find it extremely difficult or even impossible to ejaculate. Sometimes this is specific to a certain sex act: a man may be able to ejaculate during vaginal sex but not oral sex. Other times, it's the difference between partnered sex and masturbation. For example, some men find it easy enough to ejaculate when they masturbate but when they're having sex with a partner, they can't ejaculate no matter what they try (vaginal sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, etc.). And then there are men who find it difficult or impossible to ejaculate in any situation, masturbation or partnered.

Men who take a very long time to ejaculate, say forty-five to sixty minutes, are sometimes considered to have “delayed ejaculation,” meaning they can do it, but it takes a while. Men who find that they are unable to ejaculate in certain circumstances may be described as experiencing “inhibited ejaculation.”

Considering that these are relatively uncommon sexual difficulties, they
are among the more common questions I get: perhaps because there is so little information available about delayed and inhibited ejaculation (erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are more common and thus more widely talked and written about). When I write sex columns about this issue, emails often flood my mailbox from men who tell me that they, too, find it difficult to ejaculate and thanking me for helping them to not feel so alone or “weird.”

There are many reasons why a man may experience delayed or inhibited ejaculation. Some men seem to have genitals that are not very sensitive and that may require significant stimulation in order to experience orgasm and ejaculation. In some cases, these men find it easier to ejaculate when they watch porn and/or use a vibrator during masturbation or sex; very intense vibrators such as the Hitachi Magic Wand or Acuvibe are preferred by some men with whom I've spoken. Other times, psychological characteristics such as a fear of letting go or losing control are at the root of a man's delayed or inhibited ejaculation. It's also the case that men who can experience orgasm during masturbation or oral sex, but not during vaginal sex, are sometimes afraid of getting their female partner pregnant. Truly, there are a number of reasons why some men find it difficult to ejaculate, including some medical conditions. For these reasons, men who find it difficult to ejaculate and who want to try to change this should see a health care provider, who can rule out medical conditions and medication-related side effects. Often, they can also benefit from seeing a sex therapist who can help provide suggestions for ways to adjust sex for greater stimulation (for example, vibrator use). A sex therapist can also help the man and his partner examine the various psychological aspects of delayed or inhibited ejaculation in ways that might be effective.

Know, too, that delayed ejaculation isn't necessarily a bad thing. Men whose partners find it uncomfortable or painful to have sex for as long as it takes for him to come would be wise to change sex up so that the partner doesn't feel “burdened” to keep going until the man ejaculates. If he can come during masturbation, then the couple may find it more pleasurable to spend however long they want to during vaginal or oral sex and then, when they're ready to be done, switch to masturbation. That way, he can
ejaculate without causing pain or discomfort to his partner by repeatedly thrusting in and out in an effort to ejaculate. On the other hand, if the man's partner enjoys spending a long time during sex, then having a partner who takes a long time to ejaculate may feel like they've hit the jackpot. Much of sex has to do with one's perspective and if you
see
it as a good thing, it may end up
feeling
like a good thing.

Finally, men who are unable to ejaculate and who want to get their partner pregnant have added motivation to resolve this issue. After all, if they can't get sperm out of their body, then they won't stand a chance at impregnating their partner. Men in this situation may find it helpful to see a urologist or a fertility specialist who can help with other solutions to this dilemma, such as providing prostate stimulation or intense vibrator stimulation to help him ejaculate, procure sperm, and perhaps use it to perform in vitro fertilization. Where there's a will, there's a way.