Sex Made Easy (18 page)

M
en's erections (much like women's orgasms) tend to thrive in situations of relaxation—not pressure. If you've ever felt pressured to have an orgasm by a partner who tries and tries and keeps asking “Did you come yet?” then you may be able to identify with men's feelings of frustration or irritation during sex. You may have even faked orgasm to get him to stop asking if you've come yet or to help him feel good about his sexual performance (some men fake too, and for the same reasons). Many men feel similarly when their partner keeps trying to make their penis hard again. Even if they're not asking about the state of their partner's penis (“Are you hard yet? How about now?”), the pressure is there.

When a man loses an erection, rather than focus all your energy on his penis, try to focus your energy elsewhere. This can take the pressure off him to get an erection. Try to give your attention to other body parts and to ways of being sexual that don't “require” an erect penis. You might try

• Moving his hands to your breasts or butt

• Turning him over onto his stomach for an erotic massage, during which you kiss his neck, massage his back, and use your hands to stroke his butt and inner thighs

• Asking for oral sex, either verbally or nonverbally (such as by crawling into a position in which your vulva is near his face)

• Getting out a vibrator and asking him to use it on you

• Watching porn together

• Reading sexy poetry together

• Asking him to tie you up and please you in unanticipated ways (maybe even blindfolded)

• Kissing, and kissing some more

If he gets another erection and you two decide to “use it” somehow, such as for vaginal sex, oral sex, anal sex, or mutual masturbation, then enjoy. Just because he gets an erection, however, doesn't mean you should pounce on it as if that's the one thing you have been hoping for. If he becomes erect, give his penis some time. The more the two of you can build his arousal, the better chance he will have at keeping his erection going. If he doesn't get another erection, that's okay too. If he has recently ejaculated (whether with you or during masturbation), it could be hours before he can get a very firm and reliable erection again. It happens.

C
ommon myths about men suggest that they're mainly into casual sex and only “settle” for sex with a long-term love because it's expected of them. Reality tells a different story. The vast majority of my male college students write their papers about the enormous value they place on sex within the context of a relationship. It's not unusual for them to write about how much they enjoyed casual hookups until they finally found a girlfriend and realized that sex with emotional components could be a far more enriching and exciting experience for them. If anything, my male college students often feel misunderstood and stereotyped and say that they wish more women realized that men are people too, and want to love and be loved just
as much as the next person (and yes, they crave sex too).

It was no surprise, then, to find in our National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior that adult men were less likely to report erectile problems during sex with a relationship partner (such as a girlfriend or wife) compared to sex with a casual partner. Because men's erections thrive when they're feeling comfortable and relaxed, it makes sense that they'd be more likely to have stronger, easier erections with someone they know well and around whom they can be themselves. After all, men aren't some alien species who only want sex sex sex. They also want to be held, to be loved, and to feel comfortable when they're stripped naked and in bed with another person.

C
omfortable relationships and relaxing, low-pressure sex are just some of the factors that can enhance men's sexual response. Another has to do with the things we all do day in and day out: that is, how we eat, exercise, and generally care for ourselves.

In a 2011 study published in the
Archives of Internal Medicine
, researchers from the Mayo Clinic analyzed data from six clinical trials in four countries.
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They found that men who made positive changes to how they ate and exercised were able to significantly improve their cardiovascular health and erectile function. To keep your partner's penis in tip-top shape, encourage him to eat foods such as those that make up a Mediterranean diet (for example, fruits, vegetables, legumes, and walnuts). If he's able to exercise, encourage moderate to rigorous exercise upwards of three hours per week—not all at one time, of course, but spread throughout the week. (Of course, he should always check in with his health care provider before starting a physical exercise program.) These kinds of lifestyle factors may help him live a longer, healthy life with more opportunities for sexual sharing. They also build on previous research that has found that smoking cigarettes negatively affects men's sexual function, including their erectile function. The bottom line is that lifestyle factors
such as sleep, exercise, not smoking, and eating well matter to our sexual health as well as our heart health.

A
long with getting an erection in the first place, many people are curious about how a man goes about getting a second erection after ejaculating. Men's post-ejaculation refractory time (PERT)—commonly called the “refractory period” (the time it takes to get another firm erection after an ejaculation)—is not well understood.
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Here's what we know: Men commonly report that they feel unable to get another solid erection soon after they ejaculate. Some men notice that their refractory period changes with age; they will often say that their refractory period was short as a teenager or young adult (meaning that they could go over and over again) and grew longer with age. Other men don't notice an age-related change to their refractory period and, even in their sixties and seventies can repeatedly get erections and ejaculate in the span of an hour or two.

It is interesting that scientists don't understand what controls a man's refractory period even though several studies have tried to examine the issue. Results are similarly mixed on whether or not medications make a difference: some research has found that sildenafil (Viagra) can shorten a man's refractory period, helping him get another erection soon after ejaculating. Other research has found that taking sildenafil has no effect on the refractory period.

While scientists continue to learn more on the topic, what can you do at home? Perhaps the most important approach is to respect your partner's experience. Some men can get another erection quickly after ejaculating. Others cannot. It can also change from day to day. If you want to keep being sexual with him but he cannot get another erection, try to expand your ideas of sex and do something that doesn't require an erection (make use of each other's fingers, tongues, mouths, or a sex toy).

I
n many ways, women are grassroots sex educators. I don't know if it's in our nature or how we're raised (it's probably a bit of each), but some research suggests that women feel responsible for being the ones to make their sex lives more exciting. This is also probably why so many women write and/or read sex books like this one. Of course, men need to be responsible for doing their share to make sex better too. And to the extent that we all keep learning about sex and talking about it with each other, we can all have a better shot at more wonderful sex. Many men feel reluctant to talk about their health—or their sex lives—in frank ways with their friends or doctors. That means it's often the case that women who learn about sex end up sharing what they learn with their partners.

If your partner comes more quickly than he'd like to (remember, it's common with about 20 to 30 percent of men experiencing premature ejaculation) and would like to learn how to better control when he ejaculates, share these two techniques with him. It's best if he practices them first during masturbation on his own. Once he feels he has them down, you might want to try them together, with you kissing him while he masturbates himself or, eventually, with you being the one to stimulate him.

The techniques are called the Stop-Start and Squeeze Techniques and men have been using them for decades in and out of sex therapy. Here's how they work:

A man begins this by stimulating his penis in whatever way he normally does during masturbation. As he builds sexual arousal and a stronger erection, he will want to stop all stimulation to his penis just before “the point of no return” (when he will ejaculate no matter what happens). After he stops all stimulation, he can then wait several seconds or longer until his arousal slightly decreases while still maintaining his erection. Then he can start stimulating his penis again and repeating the cycle several times before finally letting himself ejaculate.

This starts out in an identical fashion as the Stop-Start Technique. The main difference is that instead of stopping all stimulation to the penis, the man gently squeezes the head of his penis to help decrease his arousal and excitement before restarting stimulation. The cycle repeats several times before allowing ejaculation to occur.

Both techniques are meant to help men identify the points at which they start to become highly excited and close to ejaculating. When they learn to identify the bodily sensations that lead up to this point, they can then adjust their masturbation or partnered sex so that they can back off a little and eventually learn to last longer without ejaculating. It can take weeks or months for a man to notice significant improvement in his ejaculatory control.

Once men feel comfortable with one of these techniques during masturbation and have made some progress at lasting longer on their own, they may want to try it with their partner (that's you!). Personally, I think the Stop-Start Technique is easiest to transfer to sex with a partner because all it requires is stopping sexual stimulation; there's no squeezing involved. This is particularly helpful for intercourse. During vaginal intercourse, in an effort to last longer some men simply stop moving for several seconds until they are able to experience a decrease in sensation. Other times, if a man feels he is close to ejaculating, he might pull his penis out of his partner's body and then give it a few seconds before resuming intercourse. He might even suggest switching positions to one that stimulates his penis less directly. Some men, for example, find rear entry positions (in which they are entering their partner's vagina from behind) to be very physically and mentally stimulating and they may not be able to last long in that position. They may be able to last longer in missionary or woman on top, however (men vary, so ask your partner how different positions feel for him).

I
'm always a bit sad to hear from men and women who believe that premature ejaculation necessarily makes for bad sex. I don't believe this to be the case at all. Does it make for sex that is different from sex with a man who can last for hours if he wants to? Of course. But different is just different; it's not necessarily any better or worse.

Case in point. I once dated a man who had a lifelong history of experiencing premature ejaculation. We never timed it, but my best guess is that he typically came within thirty seconds to two minutes of penetration (which was significantly quicker than other people I had dated). Yet the sex wasn't bad. In fact, it was very good. I think there were several reasons for this. First, we had an extremely emotionally close relationship and a great deal of chemistry. Some research studies have found that the psychological component of sex is often more important to sexual satisfaction than things like penis size or technique (or, I would add, how long a couple spends having intercourse). And while he had previously felt a great deal of shame and embarrassment about coming quickly with past partners, I recognized early on that I wanted to change that. After all, shame and embarrassment don't bring a lot of good energy to the bedroom whereas pride and confidence do. I made it a personal mission to be kind, supportive, and complimentary to him about his penis and sexual technique so that he would come to see his body as I did (as something sexy rather than shameful).

Together, we also looked on the bright side: while he wasn't able to last as long as he wanted, he was able to get a second (or third) erection relatively soon after he ejaculated, which meant that we were able to have sex again later on if we wanted to—and we often did. Further, we simply enjoyed being in bed together talking, reading, laughing, and kissing. In addition, rather than view his premature ejaculation as a bad thing, I chose to look at it as a challenge: if I wanted to reach orgasm during intercourse, I had to learn to do so more quickly (which I eventually taught myself to do).