Sex Made Easy (35 page)

That said, if you find that you are unable to become aroused by thinking about your partner, you might want to examine the issue further. Some women and men feel that they “get through sex” by thinking about other people, which may make them feel guilty or sad that thinking about their partner doesn't do much for them. Some people are able to redirect their thoughts to their sexual partner and become aroused by being with their partner. You may even find that mindfulness techniques (in which you focus on how sex with your partner looks, feels, smells, and tastes) help you enhance your arousal with your partner, just as they've helped women in some research studies.

Reading
Passionate Marriage
(mentioned elsewhere in this book) may help as well; one of the first examples in the book involves a woman who almost always fantasizes about someone else and, through counseling and greater emotional intimacy with her husband, finds ways to involve him in her fantasy life and focus on the present moment when she has sex with him. Finally, sex therapy may be a helpful option for women and couples experiencing this situation.

Dreams don't always accurately reflect who we are in waking life. Women and men of all sexual orientations may have dreams about having sex with women, men, or groups of women and men. Two gay male friends have separately told me that—much to their own surprise—they had dreamed about having sex with me. At different points in my life, I've had sex dreams about men and women I was definitely not into. The first time I remember it happening is when I had a sex dream about a guy from my high school whom I most certainly did not like “in that way.” Seeing him the next day at school, I felt so embarrassed, as if he would somehow telepathically know about the explicit dream I had about him.

People's sex dreams are all over the map. Straight women who are entirely into men sometimes have sex dreams about women. Also, lesbians who are entirely into women sometimes have sex dreams that involve men. We don't understand much about people's dreams and why we dream about the things that we do. Take your dreams with a grain of salt.

If you're only into men and wake up wondering what your sex dreams involving other women are about, you might ask yourself if there's a woman in your life you're interested in. If not, shrug it off and go on with your day. If you are sexually interested in a woman, you might spend some time thinking about this and what it is that's holding you back from pursuing your interest in her. Throughout life it's likely that you'll have a number of sex dreams and that a good number may involve sexual experiences you would never be interested in pursuing in waking life. They're only dreams.

Many women and men ask me for advice about threesomes. For many women, it's one thing to ask your best girlfriend for advice on choosing a lubricant and an entirely different matter to ask about threesomes (which are more taboo in our culture). Asking a stranger (like me) for advice on sensitive topics can feel easier than asking a friend.

Most people who ask me about threesomes want to know if they should have one or if having a threesome will ruin their relationship. I can't answer that for anyone. Some people find that having a threesome adds to their relationship and makes sex, and their intimate connection, more exciting. I know some straight, gay, and lesbian couples who enjoy involving others in their sex lives. One gay couple I know has a regular threesome partner who joins them for sex a few times a year, and it seems to work well for all involved. A straight couple I know enjoys going to sex clubs when they travel. And a heteroflexible woman I know (she feels mostly straight with the occasional interest in women) has joined straight couples in their sex play and, in other instances, has sought out a female partner to join her and her boyfriend.

For other people, having a threesome poses serious problems. I know
of one woman who had a threesome with her husband and a male friend and then became pregnant and didn't know whose baby it was, prompting her and her husband to choose to terminate the pregnancy (get an abortion). And I know of a number of threesomes that have ended up with one person transmitting an STI to one of their sex partners. There are also many instances in which people have threesomes for the wrong reasons, like trying to keep their partner interested in them, or trying to fix a relationship that is already tanking beyond anyone's ability to save it. Having a threesome as a last-ditch effort to save a relationship is not a great idea, in my opinion, and often results in heartbreak or fighting.

If, on the other hand, you're having a threesome to enhance an already stable and healthy relationship, it may go just fine. My advice, though, is to talk about it with your partner ahead of time and figure out your “rules” and boundaries. You might want to talk about

•
Who you'll seek out as your third partner.
Will it be a woman or a man? A close friend, an ex, or a stranger you connect with online? Someone you meet at a sex club or a neighborhood bar? These are different kinds of people with different pros and cons you should consider before settling on someone to approach about joining you two for sex.

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No surprises.
This is an important rule to threesomes; you need to respect your partner's right to privacy and how their sex life happens. Even if you've agreed you want to have a threesome, it's not OK to post pictures of your partner on CraigsList or Adult Friend Finder or a swinging app or site unless your partner has agreed to it. Pictures on the Internet have a way of making their way into the wrong hands, so be respectful about what you put into the world in your quest for finding a threesome partner.

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Precautions you'll take for safer sex.
Particularly if you two have been in a monogamous relationship, it may have been a while since you've thought about safer sex, let alone had to practice it. If it's been
some time, you'll want to buy condoms (or make sure that the condoms you have on hand haven't yet hit their expiration date) and any new sex toys you'd like to use with the third person. For hygiene and safer sex reasons, it's not wise to use your sex toys with a new person whose STI and health history you don't know. You may also want to communicate with the third person about their STI history and testing. And if you haven't had an HPV vaccine, ask your health care provider if you and your partner are good candidates for it.

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Types of sex you can have—or should avoid.
For some couples, having a threesome is a no-holds-barred, exploratory experience in which they can do whatever they want with each other as long as everyone consents to it. Others talk in advance about what is and is not OK with them (Is kissing OK? Oral sex? Vaginal sex? etc.). Decide on your rules and stick to them.

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The combinations that work well for you.
There's no right way to do it and there is a lot of variation. In threesomes involving two women and one man, some women want to have sex with the second female partner but don't want their boyfriends or husbands to be sexual with her. Other women want to watch their male partners receive oral sex from the other woman, or else they both want to take turns receiving vaginal sex from him (using a different condom for each woman). In threesomes involving a woman and two men, some women want to be penetrated by both men at the same time (such as oral sex and vaginal sex or vaginal sex and anal sex). Other women are turned on by seeing their male partner being sexual with the second man.

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What will happen afterward.
You might want to take the approach that you're all viewing this as a one-time experience and can talk later on about what went well, what didn't go as hoped for, and whether you want to try it again together. But there are other things to decide: Will this person sleep over at your house or go home afterward? Or will you all meet at a hotel for sex and then go your separate ways?
What about post-threesome communication: is it OK in your relationship if you and/or your partner become Facebook friends with the third person? Or start to text? Or should all communication end when the threesome is over?

There are numerous ways to have a threesome and talking about it ahead of time will give you, your partner, and your threesome partner a better chance of having a sexual experience that is pleasurable for all.

In sex-speak, a facial is when a man ejaculates on his partner's face: it's not exactly an aromatherapy salon facial. Facials are common in porn, which has resulted in many men and women thinking that they are common in real life (outside the porn world). I know of no scientific data that can speak to how rare or how common it is. My guess is that many people have tried them but few people engage in them with any regularity. However, I get enough questions about facials from women and men that I suspect more people could use helpful information on the topic, so here we are.

Some women find the idea of a facial to be highly offensive, disgusting, and/or a negative sign of how porn influences people's sex lives. Others feel neutral about the idea; they're not particularly into it but are open to the idea if it's something their partner wants to do. Then there are women who feel turned on by the idea of their male partner coming on their face (or of their female partner coming on their face, if she is someone who experiences female ejaculation). A good friend once overheard his roommate's girlfriend begging him to come on her face. If you're thinking of trying a facial, here are some tips to make it a better experience:

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Consider cleanup.
Some women and their partners take their facials into the shower for easier cleanup. Others keep a towel or wet sex wipes nearby.

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Think about STIs ahead of time.
If you're not sure about your partner's
STI status, think twice before asking for or agreeing to a facial. If he has an STI and his semen accidentally gets into your eye or your mouth, he could transmit it to you. If he has pubic lice (crabs) and his pubic hair get too close to your eyelashes, the lice may jump ship from his pubic hair to your eyelashes.

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Use the hand shield maneuver.
Take steps to protect your eyes from your partner's semen, which can sting and burn if it accidentally gets into your eye—even just a little bit. Ask him to aim elsewhere (such as your cheeks or close to your mouth) and hold your hand in front of your eyes to protect them from flying semen.

If you accidentally get semen in your eye, trying splashing your eye with room-temperature water to help get the semen out or dilute it. If you wear contacts, you may be more comfortable removing your contacts and wearing your glasses for a day or two until any irritation subsides. If your eyes hurt or become very red or pink, or if you simply have questions about your eye health or whether you've gotten an STI from your partner, you may want to check in with an ophthalmologist (a doctor who specializes in eye health).

Perhaps you've been at a party where guys egg women on to make out with each other, or maybe you've been at a bar and watched as two women make out with each other to get free drinks from a bartender. Yet there aren't really any male equivalents of these scenes. For some reason, women are often encouraged to explore sexually with one another and men aren't. However, some men—like some women—are curious about being sexual with each other. In our national sex study, we found that a number of men reported having had sex with other men but didn't identify as gay or bisexual. This echoes the findings of other research that has found these gray areas of sexual identify and behavior.

If you've always known that your partner identifies as bisexual, or if
you're aware of instances in his past that have involved him having sex with men, his desire to have sex with other men may not surprise you. If you've always thought of your boyfriend or husband as straight, however, you might not be sure what to think if he says he'd like to try being sexual with another man. And frankly, there's no way to know where things are headed when a man wants to have sex with another man.

It's possible that your boyfriend or husband is gay, is mostly or entirely attracted to men, and tried to make a go of it as a straight guy. His exploration may be a way to keep one foot on safe ground by staying with you as he checks out what it's like to explore his previously unexplored desire for men. It's also possible that your boyfriend or husband is very much into women (including you) and also happens to be sexually interested in or turned on by men. This doesn't have to be a threat to your relationship. The question is what to do about it.

If you and your partner are in a monogamous relationship, you need to talk and decide whether you want to continue being monogamous or whether you're comfortable opening it up so that he can explore his interest in men, either on his own or as part of a threesome with you. If you want to stay monogamous and he doesn't because he wants to explore with men, perhaps the time has come to end the relationship. If you two want to stay together and keep it monogamous, you may find a way to incorporate his sexual fantasies into your own sex life. Some couples are very inventive when it comes to dirty talk and sharing sexual fantasies with one another; you may be able to “talk” your way through a situation that involves the two of you going out to a bar and meeting a man and bringing him home to have sex with both of you or with your boyfriend/husband. Or you might want to watch gay porn together. There are several ways to make this work, depending on your shared wishes. Another option is to go to a sex club together and find some way to incorporate his desires as well as whatever your own desires may be. For example, your boyfriend/husband might feel turned on by seeing other naked men in the room even though you've decided that he will have sex only with you. Or, if you're both into it, you may be able to find a man there to have sex with the both of you or another couple that would be open to playing with you two in mutually pleasurable ways.