Sex Made Easy (17 page)

There was something about this woman's approach to multiple orgasms that interested and even moved me. When her friends asked about her experience, she was happy to share with them. But she never seemed to be bragging about her sex life. If anything, it sometimes seemed that she didn't want to tell her friends how fantastic her sex life and marriage were, lest they walk away feeling less positive about their own. She didn't seem to see sex or orgasm as a competition or anything that made her better than her friends. I appreciated that about her, and I began to wonder if I was capable of multiple orgasms and, if I was, how that would feel for me. It may sound silly, but it was the first time I had imagined that one could be both multiply orgasmic and noncompetitive.

When I returned home to my partner, the next time we had sex and I experienced an orgasm, I secretly decided that I wanted to try to have a second one. I didn't tell him I was trying, I just focused on my own sensations and went for it. To my surprise, it worked—and of course he was delighted when it happened. This was an important experience for me personally (because it taught me how to have multiple orgasms during intercourse, which I experience very differently from orgasms during masturbation). But it was also an important experience for me professionally. It reinforced for me the power of the mind and the value of mentally opening oneself to an experience. This does not mean that all one has to do is be “open” to multiple orgasms, but it may mean that for some women it's an important part of the picture. As a sex educator, I find this valuable information to share with others (even though this is the first time I have ever shared my own experience with multiple orgasm with others—again, I've worried about coming off as competitive or “braggy”).

As I mentioned earlier, it can also be helpful to orgasm if you keep going with sex even after you think your arousal is gone. After a woman has her first orgasm, she may think that's it and that her body is ready to return to its unaroused pre-sex state. Yet her body is likely still physically aroused, which is a great place to be if she's interested in going forward and trying to have multiple orgasms.

Taking charge of your own sensations is also critical. You might try asking
your partner to stay still for a few moments during sex while you control the sensation. If your partner is a man, have him stay still while you squeeze your vagina around his penis. Try moving your hips in ways that stimulate your vagina and clitoris in ways that feel good to you. If you're trying for multiple orgasms during oral sex, try to direct your partner's tongue by gently adjusting his head, or else give him or her verbal directions (“slower” or “more gentle” or “put a finger in”) to help along the way. Given that, as I mentioned earlier, there is a lack of scientific research on multiple orgasm, we don't know much about how many women have them or in what contexts (for example, with vaginal orgasm, masturbation, oral sex); however, I hope that if you're interested in trying to experience multiple orgasm, this is a helpful start.

Finally, know that multiple orgasms don't always mean “better” orgasms or stronger ones. Sometimes women who experience multiple orgasms will say that the first one feels the best or strongest. Other times, on any given day, the second or fifth one does. They're all different from each other and unique in their own ways.

Not all couples can have simultaneous orgasm. For one thing, many women and a small proportion of men find it difficult if not impossible to experience orgasm. Also, most women and a sizable number of men find it difficult to control the timing of their orgasm. It's no wonder that an important characteristic of many porn actors involves their ability to ejaculate when the director says “Go!” (whereas many porn actresses simply fake it).

Honestly, I wish people didn't feel so much that they need to orgasm together. Aside from knowing that your partner probably isn't looking at your awkward “O” face because they're too busy making their own awkward “O” face, I don't personally see a great deal of benefit from it.

But if you absolutely are into having simultaneous orgasms with your partner, here are my thoughts. As far as I can tell, it seems that there are two types of men with whom simultaneous orgasm seems an easier feat. Men with premature ejaculation, if they can hold out long enough, may be so
easily excitable that when you experience orgasm, they feel like they can finally “let go” and experience orgasm too. That's one type. The other type of man is the rare kind who can come when and where he wants to. If you want him to come quickly, he can. If you want him to wait longer so sex lasts for a long time or so you have a greater chance of one or more orgasms, he can do that too. He has what we scientists call “good ejaculatory control.” There is no Olympic competition for such men, but it truly is quite a skill that, I think, is helped by both natural ability (genetics) and practice.

If you're a woman whose partner is also a woman, then unless one of you finds it extremely easy to orgasm whenever she wants to, it might be tough to time your orgasms together that precisely. Similarly, if you're a woman whose male partner has delayed ejaculation and they find it very difficult to ejaculate, then unless you can orgasm with the snap of your fingers, whenever you want, it may be difficult to align your orgasms together.

Which is why I say that if you want simultaneous orgasms and it happens, then great. And if not, try to focus on something else. There are so many wonderful parts of sex—there are sexy sights, smells, tastes, and a great deal of connection and fun to be had—so try not to let this one issue keep you from enjoying the rest of your time between the sheets.

I
f you've ever found yourself in the middle of an exciting sexual encounter only to find that the man's penis won't get hard or stay hard (or he comes very quickly)—no matter what you do to it—join the club. Most men experience erection difficulties at some point in their lives. And a sizable number of men—as many as 20 percent—will experience moderate to severe erectile dysfunction (ED) in which they have difficulty getting or keeping an erection in most circumstances (both with masturbation and partnered sex) over a period of time.
¹
Ejaculation difficulties are common too, with as many as 20 to 30 percent of men experiencing premature ejaculation and a smaller number of men finding it difficult, if not impossible, to ejaculate during sex.
²

The penis cannot be 100 percent controlled, no matter how easily excited or aroused a man feels. Yet we women who have sex with men often feel as if our male partner's penis is our responsibility—that it's our job to get their penis hard and keep it hard or else we've done something wrong. To that I say, “Poppycock!”

Still, I understand how and why it is that women feel this way. Men often tell their partners that they're hard
because of them
(“Look what you did to me!” they might say, staring down at their erection, suggesting that their partner is so hot, attractive, or sexy that it made them hard). Or a man might come quickly and then tell his partner that he came so fast because she's so hot or because she squeezed her vaginal muscles during intercourse (thus stimulating his penis). This certainly happens. But while it's true that men commonly get erections from looking at, fantasizing about, or being
touched by a sexual partner, the lack of an erection doesn't necessarily mean that a man is not interested, excited, or anything less than totally turned on. Penises don't always work as planned.

Dozens of factors can influence a man's erections and ejaculation and not all of them have to do with how attracted he feels to his partner. As just a few examples, a man's erections may be influenced by

• Hormones

• His age

• How he feels, emotionally, about his partner

• Performance anxiety

• Sadness or grief

• The temperature in the room

• His relationship with his partner

• Medical conditions

• Prescription drugs

• Cigarette smoking

• Over-the-counter medications

• Cardiovascular health

• Recreational drugs

• Work stress

• Alcohol use

• Feeling rested or tired

• Feeling relaxed or stressed

• How a condom feels on his penis

• Worries about getting or giving an STI

• Feeling worried or excited about the possibility that his partner might become pregnant

• Time of day

• Worry about hurting one's partner

• How long it's been since he last ejaculated . . . and much, much more.

Most of the above can also influence a man's ejaculation.

In spite of the many factors that can contribute to a man's penis being
as hard as a rock or as soft as a cloth, men's erections are often treated as though they are completely simple and easy to operate. A common myth is that men can control their erections and when they ejaculate, when in reality they rarely have much say about either. This can feel distressing for many men. After all, if we women feel aroused but our bodies don't cooperate—meaning we end up with a not-so-wet vagina—we can always add lubricant (or, in a pinch, saliva) to make sex go more smoothly. Sex can proceed as usual. When men's bodies don't cooperate, though, men often feel like failures, as if they've done something wrong. Without an erection, many men feel like sex is a no-go and they may feel extra pressure if their partner tries to regain their erection by using their hands or mouth to desperately bring it back to life.

I
n
chapter 2
, we talked a little about erections and how they happen. Physical touching or mental stimulation (fantasy: exciting or arousing thoughts) can stimulate messages to the nerves in a man's penis. The penis then relaxes its blood vessels, allowing blood to flow more easily and fully into the penis. As the penis becomes larger, pressure constricts a vein that would otherwise let the blood flow right back out of the penis. The result is more blood flowing into the penis than out of it, “trapping” the blood in the two spongy tissues called the corpora cavernosa.

Ejaculation is triggered in a somewhat mysterious way (scientists don't fully understand it) when men reach a certain level of physical or mental excitement that pushes them over the edge. There are two phases to men's ejaculation. The first phase is called
emission:
this is when the vas deferens helps move sperm from the testes to the back of a man's urethra through a series of contractions (men can often feel these contractions). There, at the back of the urethra, the sperm get mixed in with fluids from a man's prostate gland and seminal vesicles, creating a melting pot of fluids that are ultimately called “semen” when combined. The second phase is called
expulsion
and it's when the semen comes out of the penis, typically in spurts. Once this part of the process begins, there's no stopping it—which
is a key difference between men's orgasms and women's orgasms.

Speaking of orgasm, it should be noted that men's ejaculation and orgasm are two different experiences. Although the vast majority of men experience them as one and the same (meaning that when they orgasm, they also ejaculate and when they ejaculate, they also orgasm), some men can or do experience them as separate events. There are men who ejaculate without experiencing any accompanying feelings of pleasure or euphoria that are commonly thought of as orgasm. Also, some men teach themselves to experience the excitement of orgasm without ejaculating (this is sometimes taught as part of tantric sex workshops). I've heard from a number of men who have taught themselves to separate orgasms from ejaculation. Some tried it out of curiosity but thought that, in the end, it wasn't anything particularly pleasurable for them (“A lot of work for nothing,” said one platonic friend of mine who learned to do this). Other men greatly enjoy having orgasms while delaying their actual ejaculation. Like most areas of sex, it seems to be a matter of individual preference.