Sex Made Easy (29 page)

A
s I've said before, there are health reasons for studying changes in sexual behavior and there are also reasons related to sexual pleasure and satisfaction. People who decide to engage in anal sex can benefit from learning about ways to be safer but also to have a more enjoyable experience. Knowing that nearly half of women and men in some age groups have had anal sex reminds me, as a sex educator, to talk and write more often about anal sex so that if people want to try it, they have enough information to enhance their experience. If part of your sexploration involves anal play, I would encourage you to read a book focused on anal pleasuring, such as
The Good in Bed Guide to Anal Pleasuring
(which I wrote and is available at
www.goodinbed.com
), for detailed tips and techniques.
Among the most important pieces of advice you should know for safer, more pleasurable anal play are

•
Start small and slow.
A finger covered with a lubricated condom (along with a little extra water-based lubricant)—or a small condom-covered and lubricated butt plug—is a fine size to start with.

•
There are two sets of muscles inside the anus.
One is under voluntary control, meaning that you can relax it at will. Another is not under voluntary control, which means that you can't “make” yourself relax it. If your body isn't relaxing on its own and penetration feels difficult or impossible, try to breathe deeply and give it a few moments. If it still doesn't work, try again another day (or not).

•
Lubrication is key.
Unlike the vagina, the anus doesn't make its own lubricant. If anal penetration is in the cards, adding your own water-based lubricant can make a world of difference in terms of comfort and pleasure.

•
There are many ways to play.
When people think about anal sex, they often think about a penis going into a person's anus and rectum. Yet anal play involves a number of different activities, including stroking or licking the area around the anal opening (without penetration), playing with anal sex toys, holding a vibrator against the anal opening (again, without penetration), and more.

•
If you're going to switch, keep it clean.
If you're planning to go between vaginal and anal penetration (or vice versa), clean whatever it is you're using and/or use a new condom. Don't use the same sex toy for both places, and if a male partner's penis is involved, use a clean condom for vaginal sex and a clean condom for anal sex (change condoms in between).

•
Steer clear of anal desensitizers.
If you see products for anal numbing
or desensitizing, my advice is do not use them. Numbing your body to pain isn't often advised. After all, pain and discomfort are your body's way of saying “stop.” In my opinion, if you're going to have anal penetration, it's a better idea to know when your body wants you to stop.

•
Respect each other's boundaries.
Not everyone is into anal sex and not everyone who tries it wants to do it again. For some women and men, the anus and rectum are “exit only” (as many of my female college students like to say). That's OK. Even if you try anal sex and like it, it's your right to do it when you want to and to say no to anal sex when you're not feeling like it.

Of course, anal sex isn't the only thing about sex that has changed in the past couple of decades. As mentioned in an earlier chapter, sex toy use has changed too, with more than half of women and almost half of men now having used vibrators.

As society changes, sex changes. By staying up to date with what's common, what's not, and what people do, we get a glimpse of sex that can help us ask questions about our own sex lives. I certainly don't believe that people should feel pressured to change their sex lives to be more like their neighbors (or their best friends or exes or anyone else). However, sometimes knowing what other people do gives people something to think about or provokes healthy conversation between sexual partners.

D
iscovering how sex has changed is one important aspect of sex research. Another is looking at how sex stays the same and looking at it from new angles.

Case in point: if there's one thing that hasn't changed much throughout human history, it's that sex remains diverse and varied. Even though people don't talk openly about the many ways they express themselves sexually, we know that men and women entertain themselves with a number
of sex acts behind closed doors. For example, people engage in closed-mouth kissing, open-mouth (tongue) kissing, cunnilingus (oral sex performed on a woman), fellatio (oral sex performed on a man), masturbation, mutual masturbation, sex toy play, breast touching, breast licking, anal touching, anal licking (analingus), vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, stripping, and much more.

The more things change, the more they stay (relatively) the same. Just as the
Kama Sutra
detailed a host of sex positions, our sex study documented forty-one different combinations of sexual behavior that the men and women in the study engaged in during their most recent sexual experience. We also found that sexual variety is linked to men's and women's orgasm. For example, 92 percent of men who reported having engaged in just one sex act during their most recent sexual experience reported having had an orgasm. However, 97 percent of those men who reported having engaged in five sex acts reported having an orgasm, as did 100 percent of the (small number of) men who engaged in six sex acts during their most recent sexual experience.
⁵

We saw a similar—but more striking—pattern among women. Only 55 percent of women who reported having engaged in one sex act during their most recent sexual experience said that they had an orgasm. In contrast, orgasm was reported by 60 percent of women who had engaged in two sex acts, 78 percent of women who had engaged in three sex acts, 76 percent of women who engaged in four sex acts, 89 percent of those who engaged in five sex acts, and all of the (again, very few) women who had engaged in six sex acts during their most recent sexual experience.

Does this mean that if you engage in more sex acts you will be guaranteed to have an orgasm? No, probably not (I have yet to come across anything that guarantees orgasm for women or men). It may be that sexual experimentation and exploration help people find what “works” for them and help them orgasm. Or it may be that people who keep trying lots of different things sexually are unusually determined to have or give an orgasm—sort of an “I won't rest until it happens!” strategy (which can be sweet or annoying depending on your perspective).

My take on sex comes down to being aware of what you want and communicating
about it with your partner. There is probably some truth to the idea that sexual exploration is linked to easier orgasms. After all, if you try different types of sexual stimulation, you are likely to hit upon something that feels good for one or both partners. It may also be that people who try more things sexually are also people who spend more time having sex. Rather than a quickie approach to sex, they may take their time to develop sex play that works well for both partners.

S
ome time ago, a reader of the
Kinsey Confidential
sex columns I write asked if I knew of any lists consisting of sexual behaviors. He and his wife wanted to have a more adventurous sex life, weren't sure where to start, and wondered if such a list existed. Their idea was that if they saw a list of sexual behaviors, they could go through the list and decide what they wanted to try together. I didn't know of such a list but I felt inspired by the idea and consequently wrote one and posted it to my blog with the following instructions:

Below you'll find a list of more than sixty things people can do sexually with a partner. You and your partner might enjoy using this list to find out what you'd like to try doing with each other. Simply print two copies of the list. Each of you can then privately complete your list and, after you're both done, compare your responses. As you go through the list, you may find it helpful to talk not only about the things that you both want to try, but also about the types of sex where you differ. Is one person a “little” interested whereas the other is “very” interested in that activity? If so, is the person who is a little interested willing to explore under certain circumstances that might make the sexual behavior more appealing? Enjoy your exploration!

Mark each of the following activities with a number to indicate how interested you are in trying it (0 = Not interested, 1 = A little interested, 2 = Somewhat interested, 3 = Very interested).