Sex Made Easy (27 page)

To start a conversation about vibrators with your partner, try saying something like

• “What do you think about vibrators?”

• “You know, I like using my vibrator when I'm alone, but I've often thought it would be fun to use with you. What do you think about that?”

• “Have you ever wondered what it would be like for us to try using sex toys together?”

• “In this book I'm reading, it talked about how more than half of American women have used a vibrator—and that most of them have used one with a partner. It got me thinking that I'd like to use one with you. What do you think?”

Who knows? By starting a simple conversation about sex toys, you might just begin a new and exciting chapter of your sex life.

I
n this age of greener transportation and farm-to-table food, I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention the many ways in which people try to green their sex play. Although the “greenest” way to have sex is au naturel, let's face it: few of us do it that way. Most of us like having sex in air-conditioned or heated homes and most of us use, or have used, any number of products that we think make for better sex (condoms, lubricants, sex toys, music playing in the background, candles lit, etc.). That doesn't mean we can't do our best to be greener where we can. Here are some options for greening your sex play:

There are an increasing number of ecofriendly sex toys available on the market, including sex toys made from recycled materials, vibrators that use rechargeable batteries, solar-powered vibrators, dildos made of hardwood, glass dildos and vibrators, and a windup vibrator called the Earth Angel. After you wind it up for a minute or two, it offers a surprisingly intense vibration. Having a wider range of available nontoxic sex toy materials (like glass, hardwood, or plastic) is important, as it gives consumers more choices than sex toys made with Jelly, which often contain PVCs. Some women go the DIY route by using lubricated condom-covered zucchini or cucumbers as vaginal dildos (produce should never go into the vagina without a condom over it; also produce should never be inserted into the anus, as it can easily get sucked up inside the anus, out of reach). Long, thin, smooth candles can also double as vaginal dildos (again, it's better to cover
them with a lubricated condom) or vaginal dilators.

Some sex toy shops and web sites also offer sex toy recycling promotions. Popular sex boutique Early to Bed in Chicago, Illinois (
www.early2bed.com
), and Love Honey in the UK are two shops that are well known for their sex toy recycling efforts. Ask your local shop if they recycle sex toys. Learn more about LoveHoney's program, which they call the Rabbit Amnesty program, online at
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/rabbit-amnesty
.

Look for lubricants made with organic ingredients, such as Good Clean Love. Of course, you can also green your lubrication by spending more time in foreplay to build up the body's own natural vaginal lubrication or by using saliva as lubricant. That said, some research suggests that saliva may get in the way of sperm movement, making it less than ideal for couples trying to conceive. Another downside to using saliva as a lubricant is that some research shows that women who are prone to recurrent yeast infections may be at greater risk when saliva gets on their genitals, such as by receiving oral sex or when saliva is used as a lubricant during penile-vaginal sex. Finally, another way to be greener about your lubricant use is to keep a small bowl of room-temperature water by your bedside. Once you apply water-based lubricant during sex, if you feel it starting to dry out (as water-based lubricant often does because it absorbs into the vaginal and vulva tissue), dab some water on your genitals to revive the lubricant rather than reapplying even more lubricant (this is the “reduce” part of the “reduce, reuse, recycle” strategy).

Why buy new when you can shop vintage? Check out local shops to see what beautiful old vintage lingerie you can find, such as sexy slips, negligees, corsets, and robes.

Genital numbness from vibrator play is rare. In our national vibrator study, the vast majority of women who used vibrators—83.5 percent of them—said they had never experienced any genital numbness in connection with vibrator use.
¹⁰
Of the 16.5 percent who had, most of them said it had happened only once or a few times. A small number said it had happened every time. When genital numbness did occur, it usually lasted only briefly (for less than five minutes or for less than an hour).

If you experience genital numbness in connection with vibrator use, there are a few things you can try. You can stop using the vibrator—at least until you have a chance to ask your health care provider about it. You can also shop around for a lower-intensity vibrator or one with a multispeed dial so that you can change the intensity based on your individual preferences or desires. Some women enjoy the power of a high-intensity vibrator but find that it's too much for direct contact with their genitals. Rather than holding the vibrator directly to their vulva, they place a soft towel, blanket, or piece of clothing in between the vibrator and their vulva or clitoris. Other women like having the vibrator directly pressed against the clitoris or another vulva part and find that applying a generous amount of water-based lubricant is enough to reduce the friction and make vibrator use more comfortable. If you have ongoing issues or genital numbness or other side effects that concern you, or if the numbness or other side effects are severe or bother you or you simply have questions, please check in with a health care provider.

If a sex toy has gone missing in action inside your vagina, try not to panic. The vagina is a small, discrete space and the cervix at the other end of it is too small for a sex toy to pass through. It's even too small for tampons to pass through, which is why it's such a safe space to put things like tampons and the birth control ring (NuvaRing)—it's not going anywhere.

So if a sex toy such as a vaginal ball or a small dildo has slipped out of reach inside your vagina, try to relax. Take deep breaths and, as you're able to, slip a lubricated finger slowly inside your vagina, feeling around for the object that has gone MIA. Chances are that you will be able to find it and slowly remove it. If a partner is with you, he or she can do the same thing by slowly inserting a finger and carefully removing the toy. This can also be done if you're using a condom during vaginal intercourse and it slips off. If for some reason you cannot find the sex toy or condom, please check in with your health care provider and let him or her know that there's an object in there and you need their help getting it out. Believe it or not, this happens fairly often: gynecologists often help with removing forgotten tampons, condoms that have slipped off, and—yes—at least in one case, a vibrator that a woman had left in her vagina for more than a year (this last case was a very difficult situation that was dangerous to her health, which is why it is important to seek help immediately rather than leave an object where it doesn't belong).

If a sex toy has gone missing inside the anus and rectum, it's another story. It is far easier for objects to slip far enough inside that they are difficult to remove on one's own. If the object is sharp, breakable, or has pointed edges (like a light bulb, bottle, broom handle, or sharp sex toy—and yes, every single one of these are objects that doctors have removed from patients' rectums in the emergency room), don't even try to remove it yourself. Call for an ambulance or ask your partner to drive you to the emergency room. You don't want to risk hurting yourself or your partner in an effort to remove it. If the toy or object is smooth and not breakable,
you may be able to try to remove it on your own. However, don't try too hard or too long; if you are unable to remove it within a few minutes, even after relaxation, the best course of action is to get yourself or your partner to the emergency room. Going forward, only insert sex toys or other objects into the anus and rectum if they have a wide, flared base or a ring that one can slip one's finger through to hold on to it. Both of these toy features make it far more difficult for the sex toy to slip upward and out of reach.

If your partner borrowed your sex toy and it's one that you are using together anyway, and you have already been tested for STIs and are comfortable with each other's STI status, then it may not be that big a deal. Keep in mind, though, that if you or your partner has an STI, it is possible to pass it to one another through sex toy use. Clean it anyway.

If your roommate “borrowed” your sex toy, this is likely a more serious concern. Unless you have sex with your roommate (which of course some people do), you won't be used to sharing sexual fluids with one another. You probably have no idea what your roommate's STI status is or whether he or she has other infections or germs that you don't want in or around your genitals. Some sex toys are more porous than others, which means that some harbor bacteria and viruses more easily than others—even after cleaning. If you absolutely cannot afford to replace your sex toy and your roommate won't pony up the cash to replace it, you could potentially wash it with soap and hot water and then place a new condom over it before you use it again. While washing, try not to get water near the battery pack, and if it's the kind of vibrator that plugs into the wall, make sure it's unplugged while you're washing it. However, my best advice is to throw the sex toy out, or recycle it if there's a sex toy recycling program available to you, and get a brand new one. Also, keep it in a locked box if you don't trust your roommate. And at the next opportunity, get a new roommate who is more respectful of your belongings and more attentive to health issues.

Generally speaking, many health care providers recommend wearing cock rings no more than twenty minutes at a time and taking them off if a man begins to experience discomfort, pain, or bruising. Most of the time, cock ring play goes off without a hitch. Every once in a blue moon, however, a man will have pain or bruising from wearing a cock ring and it is serious enough to appear to cause erection problems or other health issues. After all, cock rings constrict blood flow to the genitals. Done in a mild way, that's not such a risky thing. But if blood flow is seriously restricted to the penis, or if it's done for a long time, that's dangerous. Any time a man experiences pain or bruising on his penis or scrotum, he should check in with a health care provider (such as a urologist) as soon as he can—even on an emergency room basis (particularly for genital pain or dark or extensive bruising). It's always better to be safe than sorry. A man only gets one penis in life and it's up to him—and his sexual partners—to care for it.

Some women are open minded and enthusiastic about using a prostate toy on a male partner. And some women feel strongly against it, or even squeamish about it. Many women are probably somewhere in the middle: open to it, curious about it, but full of questions.

As a rule, I like to encourage couples to consider each other's requests before saying no (and often before saying yes). It's okay to think about something before doing it. If he asks you to try a prostate toy on him and the idea is new to you, it's okay to say something like, “I've never done that before, but I'm open to the idea if it's something you'd like. Let's talk about it some more.” This gives you a chance to ask questions, such as what kind of toy he's interested in trying (for example, a butt plug, anal beads, a prostate-specific sex toy, dildo, or strap-on) and how he'd like it used (gently, roughly, as part of role play?). Talking about it before trying it also gives you both a chance to determine whether there's anything else you need to make your sexual exploration easier or more pleasurable. For example, any
time you're inserting something into the anus or rectum, it's wise to use water-based or silicone-based lubricant. In our lubricant study, we found that the women rated water-based lubricant slightly higher than silicone-based lubricant for anal sex. However, both received very high ratings in terms of making sex feel pleasurable and satisfying, so to some degree it's a matter of personal preference.

If you decide to march forward into the land of prostate play, keep a few things in mind:

•
Prostate play
has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Plenty of straight men like prostate play, as do plenty of gay and bisexual men. Then again, some men in each sexual orientation group don't like prostate play. It's highly individual.