Sex Made Easy (26 page)

A
s sex toys have become more commonplace, more attention has turned to what they're made of. Many sex toys are made in China, and often, little information about their materials and manufacturing is available. Most sex toys come with little to no information about what they're made with, which is seriously frustrating for many women and men who want to make sure that what they're putting into or on their bodies is safe for them. As more sex toys are starting to become manufactured in the US and Canada where there are stricter guidelines for product manufacturing and package information, the public is beginning to have more information about sex toy materials.

As a general rule, I like to encourage people to steer clear of toys made with Jelly, which are often soft, flexible, and among the lowest-priced sex toys. These toys often contain what some believe are toxic materials. If left in warm cars or rooms too long, they can actually “melt” a little and change shape and emit a strong odor.

Sex toy materials that are generally considered safer to use and easier to clean (because they are less porous, whereas Jelly toys are more porous) are made of glass, hard plastic, or medical-grade silicone. That said, if you have allergies, make sure to select toys that are made of materials you're not allergic to. Although silicone allergies, for example, are uncommon, if you are allergic to silicone you will want to avoid using sex toys made with it.

If you're not sure what your sex toy is made of, ask. And if you're still not sure, or if you want to be on the safe side, slip a new lubricated condom over your sex toy when you use it. This will help serve as a barrier between whatever the toy is made of and your body.

M
ost sex toys can be cleaned with soap and water while taking care to avoid getting the battery compartment wet. If your toy plugs into the wall, make sure it is unplugged before you attempt to wash it lest you risk electric shock (eek!). Some sex toy shops sell sex toy cleaner that can be used to spray the toy. This is one option but it isn't necessarily any better than using plain old soap and water. I'm not aware of any studies that have compared methods of sex toy cleaning so it's difficult to say how well different types of cleaning work or if one method is necessarily better than others.

If you're cleaning a nonvibrating dildo made of glass, hard plastic, or medical-grade silicone (and that doesn't have any batteries or motors inside it), you may be able to throw it in the dishwasher. Although this idea is difficult for many people to swallow, others find it an easy way to clean their sex toys.

After you've washed or otherwise cleaned your sex toy, leave it out to air dry. Bacteria love warm, wet environments, so getting your toy to a nice, dry state is a good goal. In our study, we found that most women cleaned their vibrator before or after use (and about 60 percent had cleaned both before and after use, at least sometimes).
⁶
However, almost 14 percent said that they had never cleaned their vibrator, either before or after use. Take a lesson from the 86 percent who do and give it a try, at least every now and then.

M
any of my students and column readers have taken it upon themselves to go out and buy a vibrator or other sex toy, or they've received one as a gift from a partner, and then are left wondering how to use it. There are many ways to use sex toys and they vary greatly depending on the toy itself. For detailed information about how to use a variety of vibrators, dildos, cock rings, butt plugs, and more, check out my first book,
Because It Feels Good: A Complete Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction,
where I devoted an entire chapter to the topic. Here, we'll focus on vibrators.

In our national vibrator study, we found that most women—84 percent—used their vibrators to stimulate the clitoris, whereas almost two-thirds of women (64 percent) had used a vibrator inside the vagina.
⁷
In addition, anecdotally I have heard from many women who use vibrators to stimulate various parts of their body including their breasts, labia, mons, and the area around the anal opening. Some women own a separate vibrator or dildo for anal penetration (it's a good idea to keep this as a separate toy so as not to transfer bacteria or viruses between the vagina and anus). The short answer, then, to “How do I use a vibrator?” is “However you want” or “However turns you on”—as long as it's in a safe way, of course. Some women perform oral sex on a vibrator or dildo, though I don't recommend turning the vibrator on if you're doing this on the off chance that it will hurt your teeth or jostle any dental fillings you might have.

Some women hold a small vibrator, such as a Silver Bullet vibrator, to their clitoris for pleasurable sexual stimulation.

Some vibrators are particularly well suited for clitoral use. Silver Bullet vibrators are small and made to be held against the clitoris; they are not to be inserted into the vagina. For safety reasons, you should avoid placing any parts of sex toys that look like motors, cords, or battery compartments into the vagina. Toys that have sharp edges are best avoided, or, if you have one, at least place a condom over it before inserting it into the vagina or holding it against the clitoris. While stimulating their clitoris with a vibrator, some women simply hold it up to their clitoris. Others press the toy against the clitoris in a pulsating or rhythmic pattern. Some women feel that their clitoris is too sensitive for direct stimulation and prefer instead to place the vibrator somewhat near, but not directly on, the clitoris.

For vaginal stimulation, some women insert a vaginal vibrator and lie there, perhaps squeezing the muscles around the vagina to tighten around the vibrator. Some women use an “in and out” motion with the vibrator. Others treat the vibrator as if it were a penis and might “mount” it in different ways, such as getting into a woman-on-top position, or else they might lie facedown on the bed and press the vibrator into the bed with their vagina. Certain sex toys have suction cup bases that allow women to stick the vibrator or dildo to a wall or bathtub (in cases in which the vibrator is waterproof). This can make for a variety of fun sex positions, including standing up and bending over against the vibrator. G Spot vibrators (which are often curved on one end) can be used internally for vaginal G Spot stimulation or they can be held against the clitoris for clitoral stimulation.

If you're using a sex toy with a partner, tap into your creativity. Remember: vibrators can be used in many different ways. Some sex toy shops sell small vibrators along with massage gloves. Simply slip the vibrator into the massage glove and your or your partner's hand becomes an intense vibrating machine! If your sex partner is a guy, you might want to massage the vibrator up and down the shaft of his penis. Some men find that vibration is too intense up around the head of the penis. The base of the penis, particularly around the scrotum, is a well-loved vibration spot for many men and perhaps one reason why vibrating penis rings (cock rings) are so popular among men and their partners. And while vibrators
can be used around a man's anal opening or inside of it (as long as it has a wide, flared base to keep the sex toy from being sucked upward and out of reach), it's best not to put a toy in one's butt if it's been in the vagina or on the vulva, and vice versa. Keep anal and vaginal/vulva toys separate and buy your own “butt toys” for anal pleasuring.

Finally, before you start to use the vibrator, consider using a lubricant with it. In our national study, only 41 percent of vibrator users said that they had ever used lubricant along with their vibrator
⁸
—a shame, considering how lubricant use can enhance pleasure and satisfaction while also helping increase comfort and perhaps reduce the risk of tearing. Silicone-based lubricants cannot be used with all sex toys, as they can make silicone-based sex toys slightly more porous, making them more difficult to keep clean. Water-based lubricants, however, can be used with a wide range of sex toys and are a great option for sex toy play alone or with a partner.

Vibrating c-rings can be worn around a man's penis. Positioning the vibrating portion on the top of the base (closest to his lower abdomen) can make clitoral stimulation easier during face-to-face sex positions such as missionary and woman on top.

A
lthough many women and men use sex toys, people sometimes feel shy or uncertain about how to talk with their sexual partner about their desire to add sex toys to their partnered sex. Some women worry that their partner will feel threatened or intimidated by the idea of
using a vibrator. Some men worry that their partners will think they're perverted. According to a recent study that our Indiana University research team conducted and published in a 2011 issue of the
Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy,
the vast majority of American men and women feel positively about women's vibrator use. For example, 74 percent of women and 82 percent of men felt that vibrator use could enhance a woman's relationship and about two-thirds of women and men felt that vibrator use could take the pressure off a woman's partner to give her an orgasm. If you've been wondering how your partner would feel about you using a vibrator together (or alone), chances are your partner would jump right on board.

Many women who partner with men worry in particular that their boyfriends or husbands will feel threatened or intimidated by her vibrator use, but that's rarely the case. In our study, 63 percent of women and 70 percent of men ages eighteen to sixty in the US thought that a woman's vibrator use was not intimidating to her partner.
⁹
One of the important take-home messages I get from these data is that men feel even more positively about vibrator use than many women realize. By talking about these issues with your partner, you will get a chance to learn more about how they feel about using sex toys together—and you may feel closer to your partner just by opening up, sharing your feelings, and finding out what turns your partner on. Sometimes, people feel too shy to share their sexual interests with a partner. With a long-term relationship partner, they may not want to “rock the boat” and risk changing an otherwise good (but not great) sex life. In newer relationships or friends-with-benefits situations, people may not know how to approach their partner, or else they may feel embarrassed to share that level of intimacy. However, the benefits of having a more satisfying sex life can be well worth the risk. I say, go for it!