Secrets of My Hollywood Life #4: Paparazzi Princess (7 page)

Needless to say, I don't spend anywhere near as much time with my agent, Seth Meyers, as Vince spends with Ari on
Entourage
. I like Seth well enough and I know he has my best career interests at heart (He should. I pay him practically a mortgage payment each month to guide my career.), but I guess I've always felt I didn't
need
Seth. I'm on a hit TV show so I don't have time to let him book me as many projects as an A-list film star or musician.

That's all about to change, isn't it?

When we arrive at the office building and reach Creative Connection's floor, Seth and the rest of the company are waiting for us at the elevator. I feel like a dark cloud is hanging over my head and I wonder if it shows on my face. I hope Seth doesn't know I was forced here against my will. When the agency reps see me they start to applaud. I smile sweetly and try to push my ill will aside. Seth is standing in the middle of the crowd with a huge, laser-white smile.

If you met Seth six years ago, you wouldn't recognize him today. Seth wore Dockers and Old Navy polos and had big, brown glasses that always slid down his nose when he talked in a soft, low voice. He didn't make eye contact much, probably because his brown hair was constantly falling in front of his brown eyes. He was so pale that sometimes when he wore beige, I used to joke that he looked like the invisible man. He was fresh out of college and it was his first year at CC so he was eager to work triple hard, which Mom loved. (My old agent kept pushing for me to leave
FA
and stretch my wings on a "real soap" like
The Young and the Restless
. I'm glad we ignored him.)

Seth envelopes me in a tight hug, giving me a whiff of his cologne. (Armani, perhaps?) "I was worried you were avoiding me," he whispers.

"Never," I lie. The new(ish) Seth has his groove on. He's tanned to perfection, thanks to airbrushing. His hair is still chin-length, but product-heavy and I'm pretty sure it's highlighted. His clothes (Armani suit, Tom Ford tie, Prada shoes) are strictly from Fred Segal or Barneys. The only thing missing are Seth's trademark silver shades. Usually whether we're indoors or out, Seth has them glued to his face -- along with his Bluetooth.

"Good," he says and his eyes, 20/20 thanks to Lasik eye surgery, bounce from one person to the next. "Let's get you in the conference room and pick your next project." Seth puts his arm around me and leads me down the hall.

The Creative Connections conference room always makes me feel like I'm in a fishbowl. One wall faces busy Wilshire Boulevard and the other three walls are made of glass so everyone in the office can look in. The refreshment table along the back wall is fully stocked with three types of water, Coke and Diet Coke, and an assortment of flavored coffees. I grab a Smartwater and take a seat in the chair Seth has for me at the head of the table. Every seat has a pink folder with an embossed K on the front. At the opposite end of the table is a large flat-screen TV. Mom and Dad take seats on either side of me. (Laney has decided to wait in Seth's office and make some calls.)

"As you can see, we're excited to have you here." Seth stands next to the TV. "And we're committed to helping you take the next step in your career."

The lights dim and I dig my fingers into the chair. Oh no. I know what's coming. My mouth feels dry and I do my best to resist the urge to dive under the table. A Josh Grobin song plays as images of me on
Family Affair
flash across the screen.

"Even as a small child, Kaitlin Burke was destined for stardom." A voiceover that sounds like Seth narrates.

They highlight some of Sam's biggest moments -- her first kiss, her first horseback riding championship, fights with Sara, the heroic moment when she saved her mom during the Buchanan Manor fire -- and include this famous
FA
scene. I'm five and Sam is in the hospital because of one of the many bizarre illnesses she's developed over the years. Paige and Dennis are crying over my limp body and I sit up and say, "Stop crying! I'm not dying, you know." Tom thought I was so funny, he left the line in.

"As the years passed, Kaitlin's star shined brighter and the film world beckoned." Roles like
Off-Key
are shown and there's even footage from
PYA
.

"The public's appetite for everything Kaitlin is insatiable," Seth adds as several of my magazine covers, my Fever endorsement, Nickelodeon awards, TV appearances, and red carpet moments flash on the screen. "The question is, what is Kaitlin's next move?" The screen goes black. "The answer? Anything she wants." Images of Barbie dolls, Oscar winners, the VMAs, and other Hollywood commodities zoom by. "The choice is up to you, Kaitlin, and Creative Connections is ready to help you make it." Everyone applauds. When the lights come up I see that Mom and Dad are teary.

This. Is. So. Embarrassing.

"The film, TV, music, reality, and theater divisions are all here and they have a lot of exciting offers to go over with you," Seth continues. "It's time to leave the wholesome goodness of Sam behind and take on a new character and a new career path that will distinguish you from your work on
Family Affair
."

Why does everyone keep reminding me that I'm no longer playing Sam? For years all anyone would say was how lucky I was to play such a goodie-goodie who is adored by the public and the press. Now everyone wants to throw her under the bus.

The film division is first. There's a bizarre action flick shooting in Mexico that is based on a true story. I would play a missionary's daughter who single-handedly saves a whole village from extinction. It sounds intense. There's also a teen comedy from a well-known director whose films all make a truckload of cash. I'd play a high school party girl who takes over the principal's office and runs the school. Um, if I'm leaving Sam behind, I want something more mature. That's why the third film sounds so appealing. It's a chick-flick drama based on one of my favorite books,
Manolos Are Meant for Small Feet
. It's set in London and I would play a college freshman who unearths all this dirt about the television industry. None of the movies start shooting till the summer.

Next the television division pitches several pilots. Seth points out what I already know and dread -- if I want to do another TV show, I have to pick a pilot right away. The first pilot is
I Would Hate You If I Didn't Love You
. Seth says they definitely want me to take a meeting. I feel uneasy, knowing this is Sky's number-one choice. The next one is about a group of college kids in Alaska and it's directed by a little-known filmmaker whose last movie I adored. It sounds quirky and irreverent and a total change of pace. The third pilot is an ensemble drama with a killer cast (Pam Sommers is the Meryl Streep of TV and she'd play my mom!) and a well-respected director who is known for giving his actors great scenery-chewing moments. The problem is I'd be playing the youngest daughter, who is giving the family trouble. I'm not sure how I feel about playing the daughter role again in a family drama. How could any family compare to the one on
FA
? I know I have to stop thinking like this, but I don't know if I'm ready to commit to another show -- that could take up the next ten years of my life if it does well -- just yet.

Seth's next pitch blows my mind. He wants me to star on Broadway. "Doing a play is very chic," he says. "Lots of stars are doing three-month turns and getting rave reviews. This kind of experience could catapult you to the adult roles I know you want."

Wow. Star on Broadway? "But I've got no stage experience," I remind him.

"You'd be a natural," Seth tells me. "The play we're thinking of just finished a sold-out run in London's West End. It's called
Meeting of the Minds
. The star, Meg Valentine, is coming to the States to reprise the role, but she has to drop out in May, which is perfect timing. They're dying to meet you."

"I did some plays back when I was in college," Dad tells us all proudly. "There's no thrill like live theater, Kate-Kate. Every night is a different show and you react off the crowd. I think you would really love it."

I've never heard Dad so excited. I'm about to tell Seth I want to read the script when Mom interrupts. "Has no one thought of Kaitlin doing her own CD?" she asks.

I can't help but glare at my mom. She's got to be kidding. First she kidnaps me and now she wants me to be a rock star? I'm not recording an album no matter how much she begs.

The music division pounces and Broadway is forgotten. Apparently several music makers, including hotter-than-hot producer TJ, have asked to meet with me about an album. TJ has sculpted the music careers of several stars with great success, and he's only in his twenties.

HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER FOUR: Ever wonder why so many movie stars cross over to the music world? In my opinion, it's because they can make major cash from a CD. If they've already established their name as an actor, then music companies think those fans will follow them to iTunes. And nowadays, anyone who can hum a tune can make a decent record. You wouldn't believe how they overproduce and synthesize things till you sound like a completely different person.

"There is one more pitch," pipes up a tiny agent at the far end of the table. "A Burke reality show. VH1 wants to follow Kaitlin as she makes her next acting choice. They'd introduce your mom, and then when you're tired of filming, they'd spin off the show and make it all about her management business."

I open my mouth to say no, but Mom speaks first.

"I love it!" she gushes. "Don't you think it's fabulous, Kaitlin? I mean, I always thought I was destined for TV. People have told me I have a natural gift of gab. I have to call
Fashionistas
and tell them so they can add this to their story.
Fashionistas
is profiling me next month," Mom tells the room. "This is a great idea, I can feel it. We should do the show!"

"You would be good at this, sweetie," Dad tells Mom. "But Meg, I'm not sure a reality show is the route we should take with Kaitlin's career."

"Why not?" Mom demands. "Plenty of big names do reality shows, don't they?"

NO WAY, I want to yell. I may enjoy
Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood
as much as the next person, but the world already knows too much about me as it is. I'm not about to invite them into my house on a daily basis. And besides, this meeting was to give me options. I'm not expected to make a decision about them today, am I? I feel a throbbing at the back of my neck. I'm on the verge of having a major tension headache, I can feel it. I rub my neck deeply, but it does little to ease the mounting pressure.

I glance at Seth. Thankfully he's giving me his "Not-over-my-dead-agent-carcass" look that we've worked out for situations where Seth can't speak, but I need to know what he's thinking. "I want to thank you for giving me so many choices." I change the subject quickly, trying not to let my voice give away how anxious this meeting has made me. I need to sound professional right now even if I want to curl up in a corner with my pillow. "I like the sound of that film shooting in London and the TV show about college in Alaska sounds funny. I need time to read all the scripts first and then I can decide. There's no reason I should move too quickly, right?" I laugh nervously.

"I think we should pick one right now," Mom says stubbornly. "That reality show . . ."

WHAT? Mom has to be joking. I can't choose a career-making move on the spot. I just can't! My stomach growls in protest and I fear I may have to bolt for the bathroom. My neck is throbbing and my forehead starts to too.

Seth saves me. "Kaitlin needs time to mull things over. None of these offers are going to disappear overnight. We'll reconvene next week."

I start to rise from the table and my legs are shaking. I feel heavier than I did an hour ago, and not just because I drank two Smartwaters. This is a huge decision I have to make. I manage to thank everyone again and Seth walks us to the elevator to say goodbye.

"I'm going to be calling you a lot, Kaitlin," Seth sounds like he's warning me. "Until you pick your next big thing, I'm going to be on you like white on rice."

Mom smiles brightly and looks in my direction as Seth hands me a pile of scripts.

"I know you will, Seth," I say weakly. "Believe me."

Thankfully the elevator doors close before he can say anything else. I'm free -- for the moment.

Wednesday, January 14

NOTE TO SELF:

Thurs. AM -- FA cast shoot 9 AM. Shooting afterward.

2 PM -- three phoners

4 PM -- autograph signing @ studio w/Make a Wish kids

Dinner w/A -- Friday J

CALL LIZ! MUST GET TOGETHER.

Call Ava back!

Study
The SATs and You
, pages 48-62.

Nadine's SAT quiz on Friday and again on Monday!

Read scripts!

Private Hollywood Eyes.com

Hollywood Can't Make a Move Without Us Watching

BLOGS SIGHTINGS BIOS ARCHIEVE

KAITLIN BURKE KIDNAPPED??

January 14

Yes, we've heard the alarming rumors and seen the photos too. At 4:14 PM PST, several Web sites posted pictures of
Family Affair
star
Kaitlin Burke
being forced into an unknown Escalade at the Santa Monica Pier while her assistant and bodyguard stood by in horror. Kaitlin had just finished shooting scenes for
Family Affair
on location at the Santa Monica Pier when the incident occurred. "Kaitlin was talking on her cell phone and laughing and all of a sudden this car screeched to a halt in front of her and her face froze," says one eyewitness. "She obviously didn't know the people in that car, but for some reason she went with them anyway. I was really worried for her."

Since Private Hollywood Eyes cares about Kaitlin's well-being too, we sprang into action, contacting
FA,
the police, and Kaitlin's publicist. Kaitlin's mouthpiece, Laney Peters, called back immediately. "This is such a ridiculous accusation that I shouldn't even justify it with a statement, but I will so that the rumors stop. Kaitlin Burke was NOT kidnapped. She was late for a last-minute meeting and her parents surprised her by picking her up at the Pier. She was thrilled to see them." Hmm ... if that's true, then why did Kaitlin look so upset? And why was Kaitlin's bodyguard overheard saying, "They don't give that girl room to breathe"? Is there more to this story? We've all heard what a nightmare Kaitlin's momager, Meg Burke, can be. Don't worry, readers. Leave it to us at Private Hollywood Eyes to find out. Stay tuned ...