Scars of the Past (16 page)

I looked around the kitchen and suddenly felt a pang of sadness. “Are you going to sell this place?”

She shook her head. “Actually, Craig has no real attachment to his place like I do. He’s going to move in here. We’ve, uh, actually talked about it recently.”

I gave my mom a surprised look. “You are a sneaky lady, mama.” I kissed her cheek. “Merry Christmas.”

It was dark out as we climbed into Josh’s truck, and we hadn’t even pulled out of the driveway before he spoke.

“How do you know Sean?”

I grinned and looked across the cab at his shadowed profile.

“Are you jealous?”

He scoffed as he followed the roads back to his place. It was fairly dark outside, but the constant stream of Christmas lights upon houses kept everything pretty illuminated.

“Maybe. He was pretty excited to see you, and I felt like I needed to hurry and pee on you or something.”

I started laughing and shook my head.

“You’re crazy. We met at that awesome party Elizabeth threw. I think he had asked me out about thirty seconds before I saw dear
Lizzie
kissing on you. We’re even, okay? Besides, he’s going to be my step-brother.”

Josh didn’t speak for a moment, but I watched as the corner of his mouth curved slightly.

“Okay.”

Chapter Twenty-One

The week following Christmas I spent a lot of time with Sydney while Josh was working. Usually this week would include Amanda as well, but she spent the majority of winter break with her mother.

Josh and I celebrated New Years’ Eve in San Francisco, and stayed in a fancy hotel room with an amazing ocean view. We didn’t go join the throngs of people who were counting down, but instead stood on our balcony and counted down together. At midnight we shared a kiss while watching the fireworks go off over the bridge, which I had decided was probably one of the most amazing things I had ever seen. After the fireworks were over, we spend the rest of the night lost in each other and enjoyed the intimate setting we were in.  

I grumbled the whole way out of the bay the next day, not wanting to head back to reality. Josh was amused by my lack of enthusiasm and promised that we would make time to come back once work had settled down.

Even though it wasn’t on the way, Josh and I detoured to Modesto and stopped at the cemetery Bridget was buried in. I hadn’t been up there since the funeral, and I felt guilty every day because of it. I didn’t want it to seem as if I had forgotten Bridget because I most definitely hadn’t.

It was cold as we walked through the frozen grass, but we eventually came to a headstone that read:

Bridget Renee Combs

Loving Daughter and Friend

1993 – 2013

The brightest light in the darkest of times

I kneeled in front of it and choked back the tears that threatened to fall. I placed the beautiful bouquet of lilies next to the poinsettia someone else had already placed there for Christmas.

“Happy New Year, Bridget,” I whispered before standing. Josh held me close as we stood there in silence. After a few minutes we turned and made our way back to the truck.

“Thank you,” I said to him as we drove home. “That wasn’t exactly on our route.”

“No thanks needed, Mad. Bridget deserves to be remembered.”

Josh carried my bag into the apartment before giving me a long kiss and leaving to head back to his place to do a little bit of work on his computer.

Amanda wasn’t home, but Sydney was lounging on the couch with her laptop in her lap, staring at it intently.

I put some laundry in to be washed and sat down next to her. “What are you doing?”

She sighed and closed her laptop. “Researching graduate programs, unfortunately. It’s the only way to keep mom and dad off my back a little bit longer.”

I nudged her with my shoulder and gave her a smile. “Eventually you’re going to have to decide what you want to do when you grow up- Work for your dad or do something you want to do.”

“That’s the hard part. I know I don’t want to work for my dad, but I have no idea what I want to do. I figure if I do the master’s program I can squeeze another year out of deciding.”

She set her laptop on the coffee table and glared at it before looking back at me.

“Did I tell you mom tried to convince me that I needed to give one of dad’s co-workers a chance? The guy is like forty-five, divorced, and has a daughter one year younger than me.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Gross.”

“For real. What kind of person wants that for their kid anyway? Idiot.” She shook her head. “Let’s talk about anything else. Did your mom set a date yet?”

“Yeah, they’re going to get married April 26
th
, but I think he’s moving in with her soon. It’s going to be weird having someone else in that house, you know?”

“But then your hot new step brother can spend the night. That’s totally worth it.” She laughed when I shot her a dirty look. “How crazy would it have been if you had dated him? Like mother, like daughter and all that nonsense.”

“I’m just glad Josh isn’t irritated over it. He and Sean seem to get along well, so that’s nice.”

We sat on the couch for most of the evening, catching up and gossiping. Amanda eventually came home with Chinese food and joined us. She had been a little different since Christmas, but brushed me off whenever I asked her about it.

A few hours later, both of my friends decided to go to bed, and I headed on over to Josh’s place.

I hurried up to his porch and knocked at the front door, bouncing on my heels to keep from freezing. Josh pulled the door open, wearing his sweatpants and a t-shirt, along with a puzzled expression on his face.

“Why are you knocking?”

I shrugged. “Because it’s your place?”

He pulled me in and gave me a kiss, his living room blessedly warm. “I gave you a key for a reason, Madelyn. To come and go as you please. Don’t worry about knocking, okay? I don’t have roommates that may or may not be half naked, so please just let yourself in.”

“I know. It just still feels a bit weird since we don’t spend that much time over here.” I hung my coat up and looked over my shoulder at him.

“Well, we could change that, you know. There’s a bit more privacy over here.” He narrowed his eyes. “And less naked men sneaking out in the morning.”

Josh had experienced another walk of shame a few mornings after Christmas, and he wasn’t too happy about it. This guy had been almost fully dressed, too, but Josh still hated it.

We walked up the stairs to his bedroom and I changed into one of his t-shirts.

“It’s just hard, you know? I’ve been with them for almost four years now, and it makes me sad to think about showering without Amanda coming and sitting on the counter to talk to me.”

Josh smiled and walked into the bathroom muttering something about ‘weird girls’ before picking up his toothbrush. 

When he re-emerged, he pulled back the blankets on his bed and settled on what we now called ‘his side.’

“I’m not saying move out, Mad, but we could just sleep here a bit more often. And, who knows, maybe doing it gradually will help so that when the day comes and you three do go your separate ways, it won’t be so hard on you.”

I brushed my teeth before climbing in bed next to him, giving him a kiss, and curling up into his side.

“I know, you’re right. I just hate change. But, your bed is way more comfortable than mine.”

He just chuckled and turned off the lamp that was next to his bed.

“You’re such a silver lining kind of girl.”

–––

The next few weeks went by quickly, and the winter semester started at school. None of us had a terrible course load, but the antsy feeling of wanting to be done with school had kicked in. Sydney had put in her application to graduate school, and Amanda began hearing back on different internships she had applied for.

We sat in the food court one day, eating lunch, and Sydney let out a big sigh.

“It’s like we’re all officially grown-ups and I hate it.”

Aaron laughed as he stuffed a fry in his mouth. “I’ve got news for ya, Sydney, we’ve been grown-ups for a few years.”

“Yeah, but it just now feels like it.”

I agreed with Sydney. I was anxious to be done with school, but the reality that waited beyond that could make me nervous if I thought about it too long. I fantasized a future with Josh, but I always felt like something was just lurking out there, waiting to shatter this illusion.

–––

During a weekly session with Sarah we had decided that I was improved enough to stop seeing her every week and instead we settled on doing a one-on-one with her twice a month, and one group session once a month.

“I’m so proud of all of the progress you’ve made, Maddie.” She gave me a sincere look, and reached over to squeeze my hand.

“Me too, honestly,” I said quietly. “After it first happened, it felt like the world had ended, but it didn’t. You and your stubborn brother were an enormous help.”

She gave a small laugh. “This kind of result makes our jobs very worth it.”

–––

On a Saturday night in the middle of the month, we packed into Sydney’s car and went over to my mom’s for dinner. Craig had moved in right after the New Year, and you could already see the little touches of grown man around the house that had virtually been without it as I grew up. Although I knew Matthew was happy for mom, it was harder on him than it was on me. He had grown up being the only man that we leaned on, and suddenly it was all different. He never complained, but I noticed the small facial expressions when he’d see Craig’s shoes near the back door, or when he wasn’t required to start the grill for the first time in over ten years.

Matthew had found his own place, not too far from where Josh was living. He had begun working at the Department of Veteran Affairs as a Peer Agent and was helping other veterans reintegrate back into civilian life. It was the perfect job for a soft spoken soul like Matthew, and he seemed to love it. He was destined to be that support figure in someone’s life, and the job came at the right time to help him focus on something other than mom’s new boyfriend.

I walked through the front door of my mom’s house with the girls behind me. The first time I had come by after Craig moved in, I had knocked and my mom scolded me for it, stating I only needed to knock if the chain was set on the door. An example to which Matthew had promptly said, “Oh, T-M-I, mom.”

Mom was in the kitchen, putting a casserole into the oven, and Craig was out on the patio with Matthew as they manned the grill. Sydney, Amanda, and I sat at the breakfast bar, chatting with mom over different wedding ideas. Mom was still dead set against having a big wedding, but she was pretty amenable on ideas for a low key one.

“I still think you should do a destination wedding, Linda,” Sydney said as she peeled carrots from her seat. “Barbados would be nice.”

My mom laughed. “If I was your age, Sydney Rae, I would in a heartbeat. But you girls know what I want- a simple ceremony and a nice family dinner after.”

Someone rang the doorbell and I hopped off my stool to answer it. Sean was standing on the porch, huddled in his coat.

I moved aside so he could get through the doorway. “The chains not on, so you don’t have to worry about interrupting shenanigans.”

He wrinkled his nose, being as happy with that analogy as Matthew and I were.

I’d gotten to know Sean a lot better over the past few weeks as well. He was a year older than me, but a year younger than Matthew, and currently going to law school. He had been at that party of Elizabeth’s because of the different lawyer friends he ran with who were close to the judge.

Sean seemed happy to have so many people around constantly after being an only child. His situation was similar to Amanda’s in some ways. His mom had passed away to breast cancer when he was in his early teens, and he and his dad had been alone since.

Sean didn’t bother removing his coat and went straight to the patio to discuss grills, sports, cars, and other manly things with his dad and my brother.

I went back to sitting at the counter with my mom and we finished up all of the sides for dinner.

Once it was all ready, we crowded around the table to eat. There were multiple conversations going on at once, making it loud and hard to hear.

When my phone rang, I excused myself and stepped into the hallway to answer it.

Josh sounded tired on the other side of the phone. “I’m so sorry, Mad, I’m not going to make dinner. I’m still stuck at work trying to fix this network issue.”

He’d been busier at work than normal lately, apparently his company was trying to convert to some new program and the computers weren’t taking it well. He was working six, sometimes seven days a week and there were nights he wouldn’t leave until after 8:00 pm, just to head back out before 6:00 am.

“It’s okay, Josh. I can bring something back for you to eat.”

He exhaled deeply, and my heart squeezed for him.

“Thanks babe. Is my place okay tonight?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Okay, text me when you leave your mom’s, okay? I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I hung up and went back to eating dinner with family.

“No Josh tonight, Madelyn?” My mom asked when I sat down.

“No, he’s still at work. But I’m going to take him something back to his house.”

Mom nodded, seemingly satisfied, and the conversations continued.

I dropped Sydney and Amanda off and headed over to Josh’s place. His truck wasn’t out front so I let myself in, put the food in the fridge, and turned a movie on in the living room. Only a few minutes later someone knocked at the front door.

I hopped up, thankful to still be dressed, and looked out of the peephole to see the last person I expected.

Elizabeth was standing on the porch wearing a very short jean skirt and a pale pink button up sweater. Even through the peephole I could tell she looked perfect, not even a piece of hair out of place. She definitely wasn’t dressed for the cold weather, and I knew she was dressing for Josh instead. A mix of anger and annoyance bubbled in my stomach as I opened the door.

The smile she had plastered on her face fell when she saw me standing in the doorway instead of Josh.

“Oh, it’s you. What are you doing here?”

I raised my eyebrows at her. “I think that’s a better question suited for you, don’t you think?”

She ignored my question and pushed by me into the living room. “Where’s Josh?”

I put my hands on my hips and stared at her with an incredulous look on my face. “He’s not here. Elizabeth, what do you want?” I took two steps into the living room, not bothering to close the front door.

“You’re no good for him you know.” She picked up a framed photo of Josh and me from Thanksgiving and rolled her eyes before laying it back down on the shelf.

“He was weak when I met him, all blubbering about you and how he needed you. I helped him become independent and less of a mess.”

I should have been shocked by her lack of tact, but I wasn’t. “He was a mess because his brother was in a horrific car accident. And if you think that shows weakness, I feel sorry for you.”

She crossed her arms and glared at me. “You feel sorry for me? My life is fabulous. I feel sorry for you, living in squalor because it’s all you can afford. I gave Josh a chance at this life.”

“No, you tried to trap Josh in a life he didn’t want, there’s a huge difference. Faking a pregnancy is a really low blow for anyone, Elizabeth.” I waited to see if she would take the bait I had laid out.

She smiled widely, but it almost looked like she was baring her teeth at me. “It would have worked too, if he just would have just had sex with me. Even thinking I was pregnant, so the sex was risk free, he wouldn’t.”