Scars of the Past (11 page)

Chapter Thirteen

Josh was gone when I woke up several hours later, leaving behind a text message explaining that he had headed home to bed, and that he’d call the following day.

I was only out of bed long enough to brush my teeth and get my pajamas on before I curled back up and slept a bit longer until the memory of cigarettes and stale beer woke me.

Monday after school, Amanda, Sydney, and I spent two hours at the store picking out different items to make care packages using Elizabeth’s money. We bought the important things, such as wet wipes, razors, shaving cream, tooth brushes and paste, lip balm, socks, and other items. But we had the most fun picking out the different types of snacks, movies, games, and other fun ideas to stash in the packages. We stayed up late putting them all together, and Tuesday during lunch, I ran everything down to get it dropped off so they could be shipped overseas. I felt incredibly satisfied that Elizabeth’s money, that was meant to do harm, ended up doing so much good.

I didn’t talk to Josh at all Monday, except through a few text messages here and there. When I finished class for the day, he was still out on a service call, but he promised that Tuesday night he’d be available to talk after group.

I decided to tell Amanda and Sydney about the support group this week rather than lying about it again. Both of them were extremely supportive, and neither one mentioned coming with me, to my relief.

So Tuesday night I drove back into the city and parked in what was becoming my normal spot. Although I was still nervous, it wasn’t as bad as it had been the weeks prior.

I stepped through the doorway of the gymnasium and took the same seat I had occupied the last two weeks. Bridget was on my left, and she gave me a bright smile. Her face looked a lot better, but I could see she had a fresh bruise on her collar that she had tried to cover with her shirt.

“How are you, Maddie?” She asked, angling her body towards mine.

“Better, I think. Not a lot better, but better anyway. How are you? Your face looks almost completed healed.”

She shrugged. “We had a good week. The bad thing about a good week is that I forget why I need to leave.”

Just like I had the first week, I reached over and took her hand. “If you need anything, let me know okay? Let me give you my number.”

Bridget nodded happily, and we exchanged numbers quickly.

Sarah stood at the front and silence fell over all of us. She beamed as she made sure to look at everyone.

“Good evening, ladies, and welcome back to another week of support. For those of you that are just joining us for the first time, I am Sarah. I am a professional counselor during the day, and run these groups at night for those who feel more comfortable here versus the one on one. I want to remind all of you ladies that what is said here is confidential unless you are given permission to share outside of group.”

She picked a random person to start, and we went along the circle as we normally did. I listened as each girl told their story, most of them repeated the same stories I had already heard and a few had new ones. Sarah asked different questions and tried to get everyone involved in the dialogue. When it was my turn she smiled encouragingly at me.

“Hi, I’m Maddie. A little over three weeks ago I was raped behind the night club I was at with my friends.”

“How are you doing, Maddie?” Sarah looked at me, her pen poised over her notepad.

“Sometimes I feel better, almost normal, and then something happens that makes me remember that nothing is normal.”

“Like what?”

I sighed. “I still don’t sleep well. I wake up almost every morning and I feel like it just happened.” I hesitated before saying the next part. “And then there was the moment when someone was touching me because I wanted them to, and I completely froze.”

Sarah nodded and set her pen down. “Both things are completely normal, Maddie. We’ve already tried a few sleep remedies, but there are more we can do. And the consensual sex- was it spontaneous?”

My cheeks felt ablaze and I looked down at my lap. “It wasn’t even sex, it was just a heavy make out session, but yeah, it was spontaneous.”

“Okay. When you decide that you are ready to have sex with whomever you choose, try to plan it out. You’re less likely to panic if you anticipate it coming. But Maddie, make sure you’re ready for it before you do.”

I just nodded, wondering if sex would have to be pre-planned for the rest of my life.

“And see me after group and we’ll figure see what else we can do about the sleep, okay?”

Her eyes moved to my neighbor and she smiled. “Bridget?”

“Hi, I’m Bridget. I have a husband who gets mean when he drinks.”

“Your face is almost completely healed.”

Bridget just shrugged. “He didn’t drink too much this week. It was mainly verbal instead of physical.”

“And you still aren’t ready to leave?”

“Not yet.” Bridget’s voice lacked the normal bravado, and I thought she had seemed braver right after a beating than she did today.

“Okay Bridget, you just tell me when you are.”

And with that Sarah moved onto the next person.

I listened intently, and there were some people who seemed to have it so together, that I was insanely jealous. But then there were others who seemed even more off balance than me, and I realized how lucky I really was. I was listening to one girl describe how her attacker kept her for over twelve hours when I decided I was going to take back control of my life.

When the group dismissed, I gave Bridget a quick hug before walking over to where Sarah was still scribbling in her notebook.

She put it down, and gave me a smile. “You really do look better, Maddie.

“I feel more like myself, but I wish I could get back there completely.

“You will. It’s about taking baby steps. Like the sleeping- that’s a baby step that we are working on now. The sex is also another baby step that you can overcome, but you need to approach it gently.”

I let out a sarcastic laugh. “That’s sexy. ‘Hey, let’s schedule a little foreplay for Monday, and maybe by Friday we can move on to trying penetration.’”

Sarah didn’t smile, but her face had an air of amusement. “If he’s worth it, he won’t care.”

I nodded, but didn’t respond.

“Let’s get you scheduled to come see me, okay? I can’t prescribe medicationss unless you’re a patient, but I promise it won’t be terrible.”

We worked out a time for me to see her at her office, and I tucked the appointment card into my pocket before pulling out a check.

“Can I give this donation to you? I received this money I don’t want, and I thought you’d probably know where it could be used wisely.”

Sarah stared at the check for $500 and then wrapped me in a big hug.

“Are you sure? I mean, the women’s shelter can always use donations, but I want to make sure you’re positive.”

“Absolutely.”

She cleared her throat and was quiet for a moment. “I see you’ve befriended Bridget.”

I nodded slowly; unsure of whether or not that was a good thing.

“Bridget needs strong friends. She needs to see that love and kindness exist without the violence. I’m happy you two get along so well.”

I didn’t know how to answer. I didn’t feel like Bridget needed me, really, but like I needed her. I needed someone in my life who understood what it was like to feel like a victim. I didn’t respond to Sarah, but I could tell she understood. I just offered her a smile before I headed back to my car.

–––

It was after ten by time I made it back home, but both of my roommates were still awake, presumably waiting for me. I could tell that both wanted to ask me about group, but tried not to show it.

I sank into the couch between them with a bowl of stir fry that Amanda had made for dinner.

“So, the group is both depressing and liberating at the same time, which sounds stupid.”

Neither of my friends said anything, but waited for me to go on.

“I can’t tell you a lot, since it’s all confidential, but a lot of those women have it a lot worse than me. But I’m going to start seeing the doctor one-on-one, and I’ll hopefully stop feeling sorry for myself.”

Amanda narrowed her eyes before finally speaking. “I don’t think you feel sorry for yourself, but I do think that sometimes you let yourself forget for a few moments. Then when you remember, you feel twice as guilty for living your life.”

“And you shouldn’t.” Sydney interjected, her face stern.

“No, you definitely shouldn’t.” Amanda agreed.

I ate my food slowly, not saying anything for a moment. Finally I put the bowl on the coffee table and put my arms around both of them.

“I love you girls so much.”

We sat on the couch cuddled up for a few minutes before Amanda pulled away.

“Go drug yourself up and try to get a good night’s sleep, okay?”

I said goodnight to both of them, showered, brushed my teeth, and got ready for bed. I swallowed one of the better sleeping supplements Sarah had recommended the week prior, hoping it’d work quick.

Pulling out my phone, I pressed Josh’s name and held it up to my ear. It only rang once before he picked up.

“Madelyn.”

“Hi. How are you?”

“Better now. I feel like I haven’t seen or talked to you in ages. How was group?”

I settled back on my bed, curling up but still cradling the phone. “It was okay; I’m going to go see her at her office for something different to help with sleep.”

“Good. Hopefully it helps; I know you’ve been exhausted lately.”

As if on cue, I yawned loudly. “Yeah, it makes the days feel way too long. How’s work been?”

“It was busy as always, but I think I found a job I’m going to take permanently, and stop freelancing as much.

“With set hours and everything?”

“And a tie.”

“I love the way you look in a tie.” I smiled. “And if that’s what you want to do than I am happy for you.”

We talked for a little bit longer and my yawns continued to get more frequent, but I tried to hide them from Josh.

“Mad? Madelyn?”

I jerked, almost dropping the phone in the process. “Yeah, I’m here.”

Josh’s soft laugh came across the line. “I’m pretty sure you’ve been asleep for the past five minutes.”

“I’m so sorry,” I mumbled as I tried to keep my eyes open.

“No, don’t be. Go to sleep, beautiful. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“Mmkay Josh.G’night.”

“Goodnight Madelyn.”

“Wait, Josh.” I said, suddenly feeling a bit more awake.

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” I whispered quietly. He had told me several times, but I realized earlier that I hadn’t returned his delcartion of love. “I’ve loved you for a really long time.”

He was silent for a moment, and when he spoke I could tell he was smiling. “I love you, too. So much.”

I smiled too. “Goodnight.”

Chapter Fourteen

As the weeks went by, Josh and I settled into our role as a couple and began to get to know each other again. Even though we had been close during that time at school, the years lost had taken its toll. He had started his new job a few weeks after telling me about it and he seemed to really enjoy it. The only downside to the job was that it kept him busier than we’d originally thought, and there were even times when he’d get a call in the middle of the night to come solve a problem. He never complained and I certainly loved seeing him in his tie on a daily basis.

Elizabeth hadn’t been heard from since their argument on our way back from San Francisco, and the word was that she had been spotted in San Diego again. I didn’t believe for a moment that she had really let Josh go that easily, but I hoped I was wrong.

Josh and I spent most nights together, either at the apartment or his place. Amanda and Sydney had gotten used to Josh being a somewhat-permanent fixture at our home and welcomed him with open arms.

He was handy to have around, fixing things throughout the apartment without asking. I thought Amanda was going to kiss him when she came home and found out that the shower wasn’t dripping anymore, a noise that had been bothering her for months but the landlord wouldn’t bother to resolve. Josh thoroughly enjoyed being where he could count on having a real dinner a majority of the time, so it was a nice trade-off.

Despite the fact that we spent almost every night together, we still hadn’t had sex. He was incredibly patient and never pushed me or expressed disappointment otherwise. We’d almost made it there a few times, but I chickened out each time.

Although we hadn’t actually made it to that point, we had become familiar with each other’s bodies in an intimate way. I had absolutely no issue with my hands or other body parts on Josh, but it took me a while to get used to his on me. After plenty of practice, I was finally able to relax and enjoy what he gave, instead of tensing up and willing myself not to freak out.

The first time Josh brought me to an orgasm with his fingers, I had fallen into a full blown anxiety attack and Josh had spent thirty confused minutes trying to calm me down.  I called Sarah the very next morning, and she insisted that I tell Josh the whole story before we did anything sexual again.

The next evening I paced my bedroom restlessly as I waited for him to get off work. Part of me was scared that he wouldn’t come over, that maybe he’d had enough of the crazy, and another part of me was worried he would come, forcing me to tell the story out loud.

I heard the front door shut, and I froze where I was standing near my closet. Slowly, I moved out of my bedroom and walked down the hallway. He was putting his work bag into the closet and involved in light conversation with Amanda, who was doing homework on the couch. When he saw me, a brilliant smile crossed his face, and I immediately felt lighter because I knew Josh would understand.

I gestured for him to follow me to the bedroom, and he excused himself from Amanda before moving my way. I sat on the bed as he closed the bedroom door, unknotting his tie at the same time.

“Hey sweetheart.” He leaned down and gave me a quick kiss, taking a seat next to me on the bed. “How was your day?”

“It was okay, uneventful, but okay. How was work?”

“Busy, but good.” Josh stared at me for a moment, a half smile still upon his face. “How are you? Really?”

I inhaled a deep breath and swallowed loudly. “I want to give you an explanation for last night.”

He started to shake his head and opened his mouth to protest, but I interrupted him.

“No, Josh… I need to explain, okay?”

He nodded slowly. “Okay Mad. I’m listening.”

I chewed on my lip for a moment, and I could feel my heart pounding in my throat.

“I want to tell you about that night in the alley. Hopefully it will help make things clearer for you, and at the same time you won’t be totally disgusted.”

Josh’s didn’t say anything and his facial expression stayed a mask of concern.

“When I first stumbled out that back door, I was so drunk. I had gone outside because I was dizzy and I wanted to see if the fresh air changed that. He followed me out there, and I’m not sure if he knew I was drunk so I’d be an easy target, or if he was hoping for a fight. But when he first came up to me, I was fairly useless and didn’t offer up much resistance.”

Josh made a fist in his lap, and I turned away from his face to look at the wall.

“I mean, I told him ‘No’ but at the same time, he…” I paused, not knowing how to even word it. “He was able to get me to react.”

I chanced a glance back at Josh, but his expression had changed to a look of confusion.

“What do you mean react?”

I turned my focus back to the wall. “I mean, he would touch me and I’d moan instead of cry. It seemed that every time I told him ‘no’ he’d do something to make it suggest I didn’t mean it. My brain was so mixed up because I knew I shouldn’t react, but at the same time I just… couldn’t help it.”

I reached up to wipe a tear that was trailing down my nose. “He kept telling me that I wanted it, and that it was making me feel good. And then he got my pants down and his fingers… He gave me an orgasm almost immediately, and I couldn’t help it. It just happened. He was so proud of himself, and he had me convinced that I could have prevented it if I didn’t want it.”

“Maddie,” Josh said quietly, but I didn’t move. “Madelyn, please look at me.”

I wiped my face with the heels of my hand and turned to look at him. I had expected him to be repulsed or angry, but instead his face showed nothing but compassion.

“Oh baby, you need to stop blaming yourself for all of this. Your body is supposed to react to sex, it’s how we work. He preyed on that, and knew that he could put that fear into you. But, please stop. It’s not anything you need to be ashamed of, okay?”

“I feel so dirty.” I admitted, my voice breaking. “I feel ruined.”

“Hey, no. Stop. You are not ruined, and you definitely are not dirty.” He reached for me, pulling me to his chest.

“If I have to remind you for the rest of your life, I will. You the best version of perfect I could have ever imagined.”

I cried lightly into his chest, and he whispered words of reassurance while holding onto me tightly. Eventually I stopped crying and pulled away, leaving his dress shirt tear stained.

“I just want to be able to be with you in every way and not freak out.”

“We’ll get there. It will just take time, but I’m not in a hurry.” He smiled softly and ran a hand down my cheek.

“I will make orgasms fun for you again, and this will all be a distant memory, I promise.”

After that night, Josh stayed true to his word and made it his mission to make foreplay as fun as possible. It wasn’t long before I was able to lose myself to sensation and not turn into a basket case, and Josh would happily take the credit for it. He still never pushed for sex, and I knew he was letting me decide when that would actually happen.

On top of my sexual shortcomings, I was spending quite a bit of time with Bridget outside of group. Her husband worked the swing shift, and she’d wait until he was gone before she would leave.

Amanda, Sydney, and Josh came to know her pretty well, and Bridget’s fun personality had charmed them all. None of them ever mentioned the abuse to her, though, and I was thankful for that. I knew that Bridget didn’t respond well to being told she needed to leave, and unfortunately needed to come to that conclusion on her own.

The abuse didn’t seem to have any pattern, but by the time one bruise would finally heal she would have another. Bridget liked to pretend they weren’t there, only addressing them at group.

I continued to go to group weekly and I added on one-on-one sessions with Sarah on Thursday evenings as well. The medication she had prescribed seemed to help me get a full night’s sleep, but I also gave some of that credit to Josh. His presence in my life chased many of the imaginary demons away. The solo sessions with Sarah seemed helpful beyond sleeping, and I decided I really liked being able to talk things through with her.

Detective Bradley and Detective Wilson had been in touch a few times, but the case had officially gone cold.  They both told me not to give up, but I had come to terms with the fact that my attacker probably wouldn’t ever be caught. Keeping my promise to Matthew, I kept my stun gun in my purse all of the time.

My roommates would comment several times about how different I was versus that night almost eight weeks prior. Every single day I was grateful to have those two in my life, putting up with my drama and still loving me. They had their own fair share of life to deal with, but they never complained.

Sydney was still very much the same, but around the holidays she was required to spend more time with her parents. She hated being a part of that life, and would come home pissed off until she was able to get out of the proper clothes her mother insisted she wore.

Amanda’s mother continued to deteriorate and the doctor’s couldn’t do anything to slow it down. The only two people she recognized or would talk were Amanda and the live-in nurse, and it broke Amanda’s heart. She started spending almost every free moment with her and I could tell she felt guilty when she wasn’t there. The nurse would remind Amanda that Karen had insisted that Amanda live her life when this happened, but Amanda struggled every day.

The last day before Thanksgiving break I gave Aaron and Brianna quick hugs, wishing them Happy Thanksgiving, before starting my trek back to Sydney’s car. The temperatures had fallen drastically and the crisp fall air felt good against my face.

I was almost back to my tree where I usually waited when someone grabbed me by the wrist from behind. I let out a tiny scream, and jumped away as I pulled my wrist out of their grip. A big guy was standing there with a menacing look on his face. He was probably only a couple of inches taller than me, but his arms were thicker than Matthew’s. He was wearing navy pants with a matching shirt that was smeared with grease, and I immediately decided he had to be a mechanic. He pulled his black cap down on his forehead, and crossed his hulking arms.

“Are you Maddie?” His voice was gruff and unfriendly.

I slid my hand into my purse and wrapped my fingers around the stun gun Matthew had given me.

“Yes. Can I help you?

“Yeah, you can stop hanging out with my wife.”

I raised my eyebrows in confusion. “Who’s your wife?”

“Bridget. I know that you’re filling her head with shit, and I’m sick of it. Stop hanging out with her.”

I didn’t want to bait him for Bridget’s sake, but at the same time I wanted to knee him between his legs as hard as I could.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Bridget and I don’t spend a lot of time in deep conversation.”

“Don’t lie to me, bitch.”

He took a step towards me, and I moved to pull the stun gun out of my bag. But before I could get it out fully, a campus police officer on a bicycle had noticed our confrontational stances and pulled to a stop next to us.

“Everything okay here?”

Bridget’s husband took a step back, still glaring at me.

“Just stay the fuck away from my wife.” He turned and walked away quickly.

I didn’t move, my hand still in my purse with the stun gun clenched in my fist.

“Miss? Did he hurt you?”

I unfroze and shook my head, forcing a strained smile onto my face. My whole body was shaking, and I felt like I was going to throw up.

“Um no. Thank you, officer. I’m okay.”

I knew he didn’t believe me, but reluctantly he got back on his bike and rode off in the direction Bridget’s husband had been walking.

I decided to walk towards Sydney’s building and met her as she made her way to the car. She looked surprised to see me, but I made an excuse about not wanting to sit in the damp grass, and she accepted it easily. She didn’t pay much attention to me as she complained about a party her mom had told her she needed to go to, but I didn’t hear her as my eyes darted around in a paranoid manner.

Once we made it to the car and were safely inside, I finally breathed a sigh of relief.