Authors: Kay Gordon
Chapter Eleven
An hour later we were in Josh’s truck and heading west down the freeway. We drove in silence for about fifteen minutes before I couldn’t take it.
“Josh, this is so irritating. Talk or take me home!”
“Sorry, I’m just trying to decide where to start,” he replied, sneaking a look over at me.
“How about I tell you where to start?” I suggested.
“Okay, where do I start?”
“How about you start with the day after graduation, when you disappeared?”
He let out a big sigh, and nodded. “That’s a good place to start.”
“I never told you a lot about my family. But you know my mom and dad have lived in San Diego since before I was born. My little brother is five years younger than me, and when I came up here to go to college, he was devastated.”
He stopped for a moment and cleared his throat.
“The morning after the party, my mom called around five. My little brother was almost seventeen at the time, and apparently he’d gone to a party the night before and he and a friend drank way too much. The friend chose to drive home and ended up in a head on collision with another car when he went crossed the median on the freeway.”
Josh’s knuckles were white as he gripped the steering wheel. I reached over and pulled his right hand free and held it in my own. He gave me a sideways look and a gentle squeeze before continuing.
“The woman they hit ended up with 2 broken legs, and a broken arm, but she lived. The friend who had been driving didn’t. When my mom called me to tell me what was going on, all she could tell me was that Ben was in surgery, and that they had no idea if he’d make it or not. I left as soon as I could, Madelyn. I broke every speed limit there, and stopped once for gas and that’s when I text you. All I could think was that my baby brother, the little boy who annoyed me so much because he idealized me, could be dead by the time I got there.”
Josh paused and inhaled a deep breath.
“I made it there and he was out of surgery. They told us that he was probably going to live, but he would never be the same. He’d suffered brain damage and they didn’t think he’d ever walk again. When Ben finally woke up, he’d lost most of his speech, and he was so scared and confused. It was heartbreaking to witness and I spent a week straight at the hospital, never leaving his side. The staff argued with me that I needed to leave at some point, but I refused. I didn’t leave to change my clothes, charge my phone, or even eat.”
I wiped a tear that had escaped and he looked over at me, giving me a sad smile.
“Don’t worry, I ate most of Ben’s meals at first.” He laughed dryly. “So I finally left the hospital after getting into a big blow up fight with my dad. I told him that if he had just kept a better eye on Ben this would never have happened, and he told me if I had never of left, it wouldn’t have happened. We were both just tired, stressed, and ended up talking a little with our fists. He fractured my jaw, and I gave him a black eye- not my finest moment. In the process of our rolling around on the ground, one of us had stepped on my phone and it was completely unusable.”
“I was so mad. When I left I went straight to the closest bar and drank. And drank and drank. At one point I asked someone to borrow their phone and I tried to remember your phone number, but who remembers numbers when you have them stored in your phone? I tried for over an hour before I finally gave up, and just drank some more.”
He stopped talking for a minute and followed the highway towards the San Francisco bay.
“At some point, a woman approached me and asked if I was okay. I remember,” he glanced at me and smiled. “I remember asking her if she knew your number. I told her all about you, all about us and how I’d fallen for during our time together. I told her how much I missed you, needed you.”
I turned my face away from him and looked out the window. I was so confused, and irritated at the same time.
Josh tugged on my hand. “I’m sorry. Want me to stop?”
“No,” I shook my head quickly. “No, please keep going.”
“Okay.” He cleared his throat and inhaled deeply. “I woke up the next morning in her bed.” He paused, probably waiting to see if I’d react. I just kept staring out the window, and lessened the grip I had on his hand. I had a feeling this part was coming, but expecting it didn’t make it hurt any less.
“Yeah, I fucked up. I woke up with a throbbing jaw and a throbbing head, and found I was next to some really annoying woman. I made an excuse and got out of there as quickly as I could, but I was so mad at myself. All I could think about was you, and what a big mistake I’d made. I went back to the hospital and apologized to my dad, and we put it behind us. I threw all of my focus into Ben’s recovery, and decided I would try to explain it to you as soon as he was in a good place and I could leave. But I knew I would get home as soon as I could and beg for your forgiveness.”
“Ben was discharged after being in the hospital for two weeks, and moved to a rehabilitation center. By week six post-accident he had made so much progress. He wasn’t walking, but his speech had improved a lot. I started to feel hopeful that he would eventually be okay and that soon I could find you and we could work things out.”
“But one day someone knocked on the door of my parents’ house, and there stood my one night mistake. And that one night mistake informed me that she was pregnant.”
I pulled my hand from his and looked at him in disgust. “You have a kid?” My stomach rolled, and I felt sick. The thought of a little baby out there, with Josh’s sweet curls and brown eyes, on some random woman’s hip made me want to cry.
“Madelyn,” he reached for my hand but I had scooted as far away as the truck’s cab would allow me, and kept my hands tucked into my lap. He sighed and instead ran his hand through his hair, a move I noticed he made when he was frustrated.
“So she tells me she’s pregnant and my world stops. I knew I wouldn’t be leaving San Diego anytime soon. I figured then that it’d be best if I just left you alone, and kept the drama far from you.”
“Good job,” I muttered under my breath.
“Oh Mad. If you only knew.” He slowed down as we reached the toll booth at the Bay Bridge. He brought the window back up after he paid and we started to cross into the city.
I stared out the window at the ocean, the deep blue color that held so much mystery and awe. Normally crossing over the water would give me that giddy feeling in the bottom of my stomach, but all I wanted was for Josh to turn the truck around and take me home.
“Three months after his accident, Ben finally came home. His speech was so improved, although he’ll never be the same. He’s not nearly as fast to say something or to comprehend what’s being told to him, and some things are slurred. Otherwise, he does really well.”
He laughed bitterly. “At 17-years-old we were all excited because my brother could speak again. Ugh. In the meantime, I had to deal with this annoying, clingy woman who was apparently carrying my child. Turns out she came from an influential and prominent family, and she was very used to getting whatever she wanted. She hated that I refused to be with her, that I wasn’t her boyfriend. I told her I was only around because of my child and for no other reason. The next morning she told me the stress had caused her to miscarry the baby.”
I finally looked at him, and the expression on his face was unreadable. The bridge ended and he pulled onto the streets on San Francisco.
“So all of the sudden I had a little brother who was slowly being brought to life, and a girl who was depressed over the fact that she had lost our baby- which was apparently my fault. I didn’t know what to do, everything was so fucked up. So, I gave in and started relationship with Elizabeth just to stop the guilt that I felt every day.”
“Elizabeth.” I said quietly.
“Yeah, Elizabeth. But I couldn’t take it, being in a relationship with someone I didn’t even like started to take its toll on me and it was my parents who finally snapped me out of it. Nine months after my brother’s accident, they told me I should head back to Sacramento, find the girl who had my heart, and be happy. They were right, and I explained to Elizabeth that I didn’t love her and that I was sorry for what had happened with the baby, but I needed to go home. So right after Christmas I moved back up here, and the first thing I did was head over to your apartment, nervous to explain everything but so incredibly excited to see you again.”
Josh gave me a small smile. “It was late, almost eleven, so when no one answered the door I figured you girls were all in bed. I made it back to my truck and I saw you getting out of a car, looking so beautiful in a red dress that shimmered when you moved. I was so fixated on you that I almost missed the guy coming around to your door and wrapping his arm around your waist.”
I nodded, remembering that night. “That was the night I went to a fundraiser with Sydney because she was afraid she’d have no one to talk to. I had gone out on two dates with that guy before that night, and he was dull as chalk.”
“All I knew was that you were glowing and I didn’t want to ruin that, so I left. I stayed in the city, started freelancing and fixing people’s computer problems around town, and that night I almost didn’t go in when I got the call that Solid needed a technician.”
“But you did.”
He nodded and pulled into an empty parking spot, turning the truck off.
“Let’s walk to the beach.”
He got out of the truck and came around to my side, opening the door and offering his hand.
I released my seatbelt before taking his hand and climbing out of the truck. I quickly dropped it when I hit the pavement and we walked next to each other, leaving about a foot of space between us.
“Earlier this summer, Elizabeth shows up, and tells me that her father had purchased a property up here, and she had decided to come with him. She didn’t know anyone, so I showed her around and occasionally got pulled in for when she needed someone to attend functions with. I decided being friends was a really good compromise, but every now and then she had tried to take it further, and I wasn’t interested. I just lived day to day, and hoped that I’d run into you one of those days. I never imagined it would take almost eight months before it would happen, and then I saw you that night in the bar.”
We walked across the street continued in the direction of the beach.
“You were just as beautiful as ever, and all I wanted to do was pull you into my arms. But of course I had no idea if you had a boyfriend, and I didn’t want to complicate your life. I just watched you from down the bar where I was working on the computer. You looked so happy and carefree, just moving to the music. Then, at one point, I got worried because you were drinking so much, so I decided I needed to interfere.”
We made it to the sand and Josh picked a spot near the water before dropping down to sit. I slowly sank down next to him, still keeping that distance between us.
“You were intoxicating to be near. It was like no time had passed the second your eyes met mine. You lit up when you recognized me, and it felt like all the air was gone from around us. There was only you. But Sydney pulled you away, and I decided it was for the best. I just went back to what I was doing, trying to convince myself that you looked happy and so I should be happy.”
His fists clenched and an angry shadow crossed his face. “I told myself not to look for you, but I did. I couldn’t find you on the dance floor and I just assumed you’d left. But when I saw Sydney without you, I started to worry. God Mad, when you emerged from that hallway with tears running down your face, my heart stopped. I just hoped that you’d been sick or something, but your pants…”
He made a strangled noise in his throat. “And just like that I’d let you down again. You trusted me, because you let me hold you and I never wanted to let you go ever again. But I knew that you were going to need time to recover from what happened, and the last thing you needed what the douche that left you.”
He picked up some sand and let it fall through his fingers. “I sat in the waiting room with the girls, and they made sure to tell me just how I’d broken your heart. They also threatened me with bodily harm if I did it again, but I was still able to charm your number out of Amanda.” Josh grinned.
“I sent you the support group stuff, and hoped that we’d be able to resume the friendship we had once you were ready. When you saw me with Elizabeth at the restaurant I was so ashamed. She recognized your name, of course, because I had told her all about you that first night and she’s been jealous ever since. I’ve explained to her several times that she has no business being jealous because she and I are just friends.”
I looked up at him and gave him a pat on the cheek. “She’s charmed by you, too.”
“I don’t want her to be.” Josh pulled his shoes and socks off, digging his bare feet into the sand.
“Last night was the final straw. I knew she was a bitch, but she needed a friend so I went along with it. I realized how little she actually cared about me- because why would she treat someone who means so much to me like that if she had any real feelings for me at all? So I told her last night that our friendship was over, and she tried every tactic to get me to stay. The pregnancy, her depression, the fact that you probably hated me after everything. It didn’t matter, though, because I still had to try. Besides, I didn’t believe most of it- especially the last part because that kiss last night didn’t feel like you hated me.”