Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) (38 page)

Many media outlets requesting information on their marriage had contacted Roddy.
People
offered a large sum of money and Roddy released an exclusive photo and statement in exchange for a donation to the
Cancer Foundation
. The cover of the magazine showed a beautiful photograph of them together in the gazebo with the words, “At Last…” It was the first time Beth knew she was going to see herself in print. It was a good article, no trash talk or untruths. They published pictures that Andy and Beth released, and an article that I wrote. The end result was beautiful.

255

Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Chapter Twenty
~
Eight

June 2002

S
ummer was in full heat. It seemed the longer the days were, and the more that passed, the bad days became more frequent. Beth didn’t want to go outside for anything. Kimmy, John and Beth’s parents all took turns and saw to it that Carlee was kept busy. She got in plenty of summer activity. When she was at home, Beth wanted
Carlee
as close to her as she could.
Beth,
Andy and Carlee would watch movies and play games, read and cuddle. Andy was getting very good at
UNO ATTACK
. Beth loved lying on the sofa listening to the giggles, from her tw
o
loves, as they played.

Beth would bathe Carlee and get her ready at night, but it was Papa that Carlee wanted to read those bedtime stories, or sing to her. Beth would stand in the doorway most nights and watch, drinking in the sweet scene. Carlee would lie there, intently listening, hanging on every word Andy read. Her little eyes would fight to stay open and as Andy would finish, she had just enough energy to reach up and pull his face to hers with those chubby little girl fingers and kiss him goodnight. That vision gave Beth such peace
.

~ ~ ~

A high fever meant a night at the hospital because of temperature spikes. They had to call rescue, and that meant a ride in the ambulance. The high fever had her disoriented and she got a little wacky on them. John came to stay with Carlee. He took the guest room and the irony that came with it.

For Beth, IV fluids and a cool bath brought her temperature down to one hundred and she went home the next morning. Angel came daily now. Once they were home, Andy babied her. He soothed, pampered and protected, and she loved it.

~ ~ ~

Jun
e
18
,
2002
~
Today is my worst day so far
.
I
’
ve had a low-grade fever and a nasty headache all morning. It
’
s making me feel light-headed, queasy and nauseous. Just the light in the room when I open my easy makes me feel sick and my back hurts something awful.

Andy kept her in bed all day. When Angel came she told Andy to call Dr. Reilly. He told them he would meet them at the emergency room. Andy called and Kimmy came to take Carlee home with her.

At the hospital, Dr. Reilly told them he wanted to keep her overnight for observation. She begged and cried. Andy was a mess. He wanted to do what was best but it seemed to him that if she was so upset about it, taking her home had to be a better option. He told Dr. Reilly that he
’
d make sure she rested if they’d just let her go home
.

“Overnight,” he told them
, “I’m not giving in on this
. Before you go home I want a portacath installed. It will make all of this easier for you. It
’
s a port that we
’
ll put just beneath the skin near your collarbone to administer medicine by IV when needed.” He explained, “This will keep us from having to stick you with needles over and over.”

He explained that they needed to bump up to two nurse visits a day. Andy made a call to Angel and she said she was available for anything they needed
.
Dr. Reilly said they should get someone else to come for the second visit, but Angel wouldn’t hear of it. They set her up in the guest room. She wasn’t leaving Beth.

I can
’
t complain because, really, I haven
’
t had too many bad days since my butt healed. It
’
s pretty much been smooth going until this last week or so.

The
y
scheduled
the procedure
for five the next morning. After that, Beth could go home. The goal was to assure her comfort. Andy stayed in the hospital room with her that night. She was given something for the nausea
,
something for pain
,
and she slept through the night
.

After the procedure Andy took her home. He got her situated and comfortable on the day bed in the sunroom. Angel brought lunch for them but Beth had no appetite. Kimmy brought Carlee home around two. She went to sit with Beth for a while, as Andy entertained Carlee. He was playing her a song on the keyboard he traveled with. He would sing, and then she would repeat.

“She is such a little mocking
-
bird, it
’
s a very pleasant sound,” she told Kimmy as she l
istened to Andy and Carlee.

Kimmy wanted to know that Beth was OK. Andy and Angel had to push her out the door with a promise to call if they needed her, but she didn’t want to leave
.

The next morning, Beth woke with a temperature spike
that left her feeling
disoriented. Andy called for Angel. They got her into a cool shower. Angel put a shower stool in for Beth to sit on. Andy helped her sit and was standing there in the shower
’
s spray to hold her. It seemed to help. Angel helped her into the bed while Andy changed into dry clothes.

Andy called Kimmy to come get Carlee
,
Beth needed to rest. John was out
-
of
-
town so Kimmy would keep her overnight. After Angel got Beth settled
,
all Andy wanted to do was lie there with her. He didn’t want to leave her for anything
.

The following morning her fever spiked again. Angel called the doctor who demanded they meet him at the hospital
.

“No ambulance!” Beth told them, so Andy drove her, and Angel went along
.

Dr. Reilly said an overnight stay in the hospital was mandatory.

“Please, no!” Beth begged.

“I want to run some tests,” he explained.

“Please,” she cried. “Let me go home.”

Andy felt helpless, and as Beth continued the tearful conversation with Dr. Reilly, he felt more so than at any time in his life.

“I know what’s going on.” Beth said in a tired, weak voice, “You want to run tests to confirm what we all already know. It’s getting worse.
I know that!
I can feel it in every bone in my body. Angel has talked to Andy and me, at length. I know what to expect. Being here won’t make it better, or easier, so
please, please,” she pleaded, “L
et me go home. I will be so much more comfortable there, so much happier…” The conversation was wearing her out and she laid back into the pillows, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Please,” she said softly, once more.

Dr. Reilly took Angel out of the room and they were gone about ten minutes. Andy was holding Beth’s hand, afraid to ever let it go.

The doctor and Angel returned to the room and he pulled a chair beside Beth’s bed. “OK, here’s the deal,” he said. “Angel is in charge. She knows what to do, when, and how to do it, so you are going home. Andy, Angel is in charge,” he repeated with a smile. “Do not let this strong-willed woman overpower you. Angel is the boss.”

“I hear ya,” Andy said.

At eleven that evening, Andy checked her out and took Beth home, Kimmy and Liz were there waiting. They took her straight to the bed. Angel went with Kimmy and Liz to fix a bite to eat and Andy crawled into the bed beside Beth. She pulled him close and he wrapped his body gently around hers.

“
I
’
m not ready Beth
y
, I
’
m not ready to lose you,” he said wearily.

“
I
’
m not ready either, but I
’
m resigned to it. So let’s make the best of a bad thing.” She took his hand and held it to her cheek. She had waited so long for these moments with him and they were going by way too fast.

259

Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Chapter Twenty
~
Nine

In Beth’s Words

A
s
time passed and
Beth’s illness progressed
,
her journal entries became more detailed. She shared more stories, memories, and pain through the tape recordings we shared. The memories her family and friends shared are what became the story of ‘her’.

July brought a lot of talk to the recorder. Anytime she was alone she was talking. She was tying up loose ends. She left this especially poignant message for Andy.

Andy, the holder of my heart, 

I didn
’
t know where I would begin, quite unsure what I would say. I
’
m still not, as I start. There is so much… so many feelings, so many memories, and so many emotions. I want you to have all the journals when Nort is done
with them
. They are yours, all the many volumes I have kept over the years. I would like for you to share them with Carlee someday. I will say,
‘
when you read them
’
, because I know you, and it may not be right away, but I know you will. Just read and know that my heart and soul went into every page, every entry, every word
.

That first evening when you walked into the room you became a part of every part of me. It seems so long ago… And even as I moved on and made a life and a family without you, you were still there in those pages. You
’
ll see…

Kimmy dug all
the
journals out, and in the days before Nort took them, there were times I would wake up in the middle of the night, pull one out and read. Maybe it was a good time we shared, there were so many. Maybe it was a sad time, the ones I tried so hard to forget, seemed important again. Maybe it was just a time I needed to remember. They
’
ve
been
hidden
away
, for so long.

Did you ever read the book
Bridges of Madison County
, or see the movie with Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood? It was on TV in the middle of the night not long ago. It was a night that I couldn
’
t get comfortable or turn my brain off so I turned the TV on. Such a moving love story… My journals remind me of the love the woman had for the character that Clint Eastwood played. She met him when he came to town to do photographs of the covered bridges for
National Geographic
. They had a weekend together, and all those years she kept the letters, pictures
,
and journals of their time together hidden
. H
idden, too, was her love for him. She stayed in her marriage because it was the right thing to do, but she never stopped loving him. She died with that love still hidden
.

The difference, I guess is that my love for you was never hidden, even when we parted. I tried to move on in my life, and I made a life with John, and later, with my beautiful little girl. But I still loved you
.

And then you returned… and I am so glad
you are
back in my life.

The
Grammys
… Andy, thank you for that last gift. I do not regret, nor do I have any feelings of guilt. I didn
’
t do anything I
’
m ashamed of,
I slept in the arms of the man I love
, t
he one I have loved for half my life. Thank you for that. Thank you for making it easy for me not to feel guilty. I know it changed everything, but it seems that we were meant to be together
.

I
think back on all the things we
’
ve
shared and I love you all the more. I hope you know that you made my life better these last months. What you gave up to be with me
…
I can
’
t imagine if it hadn
’
t been this way. I
don
’
t know if I
would have had the will to
go one
if you hadn
’
t been there, being able to share one more day with you
.

I will leave this world still madly, deeply in love with you. I love the sound of Beth Stevens…  Mrs. Andy Stevens… 

Alw
ays, all ways, I am your Bethy…

~ ~ ~

July 13 200
2
~
It
’
s my birthday; I keep thinking of the irony of that. So much, so many, so little
,
so few… My gifts, my desires, my dreams… All of that keeps running through my mind, with so many memories attached. I know that will sound like a ramble and it probably is, but if you think about it, you
’
ll get it.

I saw
‘
Rent
’
on Broadway a while back. Megan had a small part. Recently, the lyrics from one of the songs keep going through my mind over and over… “525,600 minutes… how do you measure a year in the life…?
”

Oh, the numbers of minutes I keep re-living, keep remembering, keep wishing for… They have been like flashes of light the last few days, some overwhelm me and some make me so happy that I believe I can make it a little longer.”

Someone gave me a pamphlet a while back that described cancer as a gift. I thought at that time, that
‘
a gift
’
was the farthest from the real deal as anything I could imagine, but it is, I guess. It
’
s a gift to appreciate what is, what was, and what precious time is yet to come. But I like to think of my gift more like one of Nana and Mom
’
s quilts…

When I was growing up, Nana and Mom both sewed. It
‘
pieced
’
them together. Mom
’
s parents passed away when she was young, and Nana, with only a son, loved teaching Mom to sew. The quilts were a bond that brought them together. They saved every scrap of fabric from everything they ever made. Each pattern has a meaning. I love the one I have on my bed now. I run my hands over it, see the colors, and each piece of fabric reminds me of something. They are filled with memories and stories. All of that is on my mind now.

I want my life to be remembered as a quilt. Wrap it around you. Let it warm you. Each of you is a piece of my quilt of life
.
Each of you put there for a different reason. Maybe your block of time was a small one, maybe you were the center block of color in a particular pattern in the quilt of my life, but each of you, are an integral piece. Some blocks in that quilt are the cornerstones, maybe of the whole quilt. Maybe it was a cornerstone of a part of the pattern. Security. Honesty. Integrity. Love. Some blocks were the strength I needed at a certain time. Some blocks are the compassion I needed at an especially difficult time. But each block represents love. My quilt would not be complete without your part in the pattern. I want to leave piec
es of my quilt for each of you.

~ ~ ~

Everyone tried to make Beth’s birthday special. She
was
feeling pretty good, but Andy suspected that was because everyone was there, surrounding her, and she loved those times. All of her family was there
.
Kimmy and Lane were there. Even Angel joined in the celebration. Dina and Nathan came in. Roddy and Vince were there and they were all staying at the house. She was in her glory. Vince made two of her favorite things, macaroni and cheese and carrot cake, and she actually ate. She made everyone swear not to bring gifts.

Later, she said good night, and Andy excused himself to go with her to help her to bed. After she was settled, he pulled a gold box from the bedside table.

“No gifts! We talked about this,” she scolded.

“Please, just open it,” he laughed. He was lying on his side beside her, elbow bent, holding his head up with his hand
watching her
.

She looked over, her heart so full of love. He leaned in, kissing her.

She lifted the lid off the unwrapped box. Inside, there was a ticket stub and a small plastic bag. She looked at him again.

“Go on,” he encouraged.

First she took the folded ticket, wondering what on earth it was for. It looked worn and tattered. Unfolding it her heart skipped a beat.

June 24, 1978

Orlando Civic Center

Mean Street

Traveler

The Bend

Doors open 6:00PM

“Oh my goodness! Where did you get this?”

“Open the bag,” he told her.

She did
, a
nd tears rolled down her cheeks. It was her half of the Mizpah.

“Kimmy found your treasure box. I asked her if she might help me find the charm, the ticket stub was a bonus.” 

She reached for him and he leaned to kiss her.

“This is the best gift I’ve gotten in a long time!” She laughed, and said, “Open that middle drawer in my dresser please. There’s a white box with a gold chain. Will you please
put the charm on it and put it on me? I want to wear it. Forever,” she added.

“I know why the charm, but why the ticket,” she asked. She thought she knew but she wanted to hear Andy’s words.

“Because it’s the night I got the best gift I’ve ever received.” He lay back down beside her
.

She rolled to him. “Hold me please.” She felt good
that evening
. Angel made sure she was comfortable. In his arms she felt so much love. She caressed his cheek. He kissed her neck, and she rolled on top of him. “Make love to me,” she said, looking down at him.

“Are you sure?” he asked, thinking of the others, but not really caring.

She slipped out of her gown. “It’s my birthday,” she smiled at him. “I’m sure.” He was so gentle with her, so tender. She cried sweet tears the whole time. She couldn’t remember a moment in her life without him… didn
’
t want to
.

~ ~ ~

That night left everyone in Beth’s family circle smiling. She looked so good, so happy. Liz and Pops were lying in their bed talking about it. “The gathering was bitter
-
sweet.” Connor said.

“Yes it was.” Liz replied. “Beth was happy.” She was thoughtful a moment and looked to her husband.

With a heavy heart he asked her, “It
won’t be m
uch longer
will
it, love?”

“I don’t think so, she gets weaker every day. She is so tired, and she doesn’t eat enough. I don’t think so,” she said again.

“I was sitting with her the other day. She talks a lot, not as much to you, because she is afraid she will make you cry,” she looked at him tenderly and continued. “She records a lot of that, for Norton, for the book, but this was just us. She thanked me, and I want to share that conversation with you.”

“
She thanked us for allowing her to ‘
become all that I am.’
She told me in her words, ‘
T
he lessons you shared were what helped me, be me. I became who I am because of those lessons of love.
’
”
  

Liz looked, and Connor was indeed crying. She smiled at him, knowing he had already started to grieve.

Liz continued
,
“She told me that she had the very best childhood a g
irl could ever have. She said, ‘
The
older boys paved the way. With them you set the guidelines, the boundaries of how far we could push, but not how far we could go. Then I came along and Pops eased up, that tender heart of his… When the younger boys came along you both allowed me to help start their paths. It helped me in the decisions I’ve made with Carlee. Lessons learned are easily shared.
’
”

“
She thanked us for loving and supporting her, even when we didn
’
t think she made t
he right choices. She told me, ‘
I know you struggled when you didn’t think I did. I know you wanted to pick me up each time I fell, but made me get up on my own, instead
.
You allowed me to learn and grow and I am a better person for it.
’
”