Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) (40 page)

Memories
~ Andy

I
think about what life brings, and gives, then takes away. My life is forever altered. Unlike Beth, my thoughts on all these years are not written on paper. But the memories are so vivid that I can replay every moment like a movie in my mind. The title that pops in my head is
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly,
but I guess there was some
Love Story
there as well
.

That summer in 1978 is where my life with Beth began. I loved reading her journals, her thoughts on that beginning. Her laughter grabbed my heart that night, and never let go. Something about her made me see her soul, even in that first glance
.

Unlike any other woman I
’ve
ever met, she was a contradiction. She was quiet and shy, but fun, witty and charming once you broke the shell. Pleasing to the eye, comfortable and casual, nothing flashy, yet I noticed. Every inch of her took my breath. The top of her head barely reached my shoulders when I stood beside her.
Everything about her, except her personality, was tiny. I noticed it all
.

It seemed there was always a sparkle in her eyes. They were the greenest green I have ever seen, like fresh new leaves in spring. I found myself unable to leave her side that first night. I enjoyed every moment I spent with her. When it finally came time for her and Kimmy to leave, it was morning and I hated the thought that I might never see her again.

I asked if I could call her, she agreed and our journey began. I wanted to spend every moment possible with her, flying her here or there to squeeze in time with her. We learned more about each other. We loved each other. She became mine. My Bethy…

Eleuthera was our refuge. The quiet calm there seemed to put her at ease. So many mornings we spent there I’d wake and she’d be gone and I would find her walking on the beach. She said she could think when she walked and the sounds of the ocean gave her peace. I was there not long ago and opened a closet and found her walking shoes. She left them the last time she was there. I can’t bring myself to do anything with them, so they sit in the closet to remind me of the peace she seemed to find on the island.

This business isn’t easy. Life on the road, travel, no privacy, wild hours, female fans; it was hard on her. I never knew how important that solitude was to her, until it was too late. I loved having her with me. I saw the difficulty and turmoil it caused her, but she seemed OK to be wherever we were, so I just rolled with it. I realize now, how arrogant that was. I didn’t really know how hard
it was for her
until I read the emotions in her journal from that time. It saddened me greatly that I played a part in that havoc
.

With all the good, there were also trying times in our life together. I made mistakes over the years. We saw our way through each storm and back into each other’s arms. The year 1991, took me to a dark place; parts of that time I don’t even remember. It was a horrible time and the beginning of our undoing. The one constant in my life, the one good thing, and I pushed her away. I hurt so bad that I pushed everyone away. It was a time of deep despair and I reached a low that I never dreamed possible.

During that time, through Roddy, I followed what Beth was doing the best I could. I tried to help care for her in any way possible, but I could barely take care of me. I couldn’t allow her to be part of the nightmare my life became during that time. I had to protect her from what I was going through. At least I thought that was what I was doing
.

Once on the mend I needed her back so badly. She’d become such a part of me that I couldn
’
t begin to imagine my life without her. I tried to keep my efforts subtle, because I didn’t want to push her further away. But she wasn’t receptive. I took a chance that night, showing up at that
Cancer Foundation
event. I had to see her, and when I did, I realized only then, exactly what I let get away. I kept at her until she gave in, came back to me, and once again we were
‘
us
’
. It was the happiest time in my life, in the life I shared with her. It was the time when I started to really think about a lifetime with her
.

Only suddenly it wasn
’
t good anymore. I tried, but that overwhelming feeling of the life I led finally beat her down and she left. I didn
’
t screw up that time. I didn
’
t send her away. She walked away. Actually, I think she ran. Once she said that maybe she should, “run like hell…” I think it was then that she did. I gave her time. I continued to hope and pray that she would see her way back to me, but she moved past me. My music became my life. The years passed. And Beth moved on… to John and little Carlee
.

Then I received that call. It was harder than I could ever imagine. It was John telling me of her illness. The life crawled from my body as he spoke. I was numb. He invited me, allowed me, to come and share this time with them, as a member of their family
.

“
She needs the people she loves around her,” he told me.
“
We need to help her through this time in her life.”
I struggled with John’s news for many reasons. I would be losing her all over again and I didn’t know if I would be able to deal with it. But I also wondered if I held some of the blame. I had a lot of time to think on the flight
east
. I thought about the beach in Eleuthera, the days she relaxed at home in Corpus Christi by the pool. Was all that part of the problem – the cancer? No one could be sure… I had seen that mole and never gave it a second glance, a ‘beauty mark’ I thought when I noticed it the first time.

She was asleep when I arrived at the hospital. I pulled a chair beside the bed, waited, and I prayed. I know it wasn’t as long as it seemed before she awoke. And when she opened her eyes, to see them again, moved me beyond words… She spoke and it was a weak, whisper of a voice, but that sound was heaven to me. We talked, and we talked, and we talked.

I put everything on hold. No touring, no promotional jaunts, Roddy handled everything about the business side of my life. I was going to be with Beth. John made arrangements for me to stay with them. I began to understand what drew Beth to him. He knew her needs, sometimes even before she knew them herself
.

In the beginning stages she insisted that daily functions remain as normal as possible. She wanted that for Carlee. That beautiful child, a part of Beth, stole my heart. John went back to work and that meant travel. When he did he left Beth in my care. It was so good of him to understand that I needed to be there in whatever way he would allow. Those times with her, those alone times were so special. Sometimes she would sleep and I would wait. Sometimes it was back to the conversations that we had been so good at and that I so desperately missed those last years.

One day, early on, when we were talking, she asked why I hadn
’
t moved on
.
“I had that one love, and I blew it,” I told her. “I’ve dated but what I find is that I compare everyone to you. She looked at me, as if deep in thought, as I continued. “That’s not fair to anyone. Not to you. Not to me, and surely not to the other person. So I just keep it causal.” 

She was the one in my life that I could never replace. I found, with each passing day that I really didn’t want or need to. But there
was
another ‘woman’ in my life. Her name is Carlee Elizabeth. I’m her ‘Papa’, and I absolutely adore her. Nothing about her reminded me of Beth, except that she was Beth’s child. Seeing her with Beth, I saw us, saw the children we could have had. I would bring this up to her when we were alone talking. She always said the same thing,
“
shoulda, coulda woulda, if it was meant to be it would have been.” And I told her how stupid I was, how foolish to let her get away. I could have been going through this with her. And with her grace and style, she would remind me, that I was.

When John was
working
, we filled our days
with talk. We worked on the thoughts for the book. We laughed and cried over memories. I would think to myself that her life in print would be a wonderful legacy for Carlee, for all of us. All that was coming together nicely, she was pleased and Norton Edwards became a good friend to all of us. Another member of Beth’s extended family.

Th
en came L.A., that trip to the
Grammys
, that new beginning for us. I think John knew what he was risking, but he always put Beth first. When I went to her room, when she was ready to go to the ceremonies, emotions, that I never anticipated, hit me. I could barely breathe. She was absolutely stunning. So beautiful, glowing and gorgeous, that it left me unable to speak
.

The ceremonies were such a treat for her. Being out and dressing up, she was an angel that night.
It
was excit
ing for her, seeing
people she hadn
’
t seen in several years, people from
‘
her past.’ And I wanted her there
with me more than I can say
.

Winning the award for that song and her being there was greater than any gift I could imagine. Despite all that was going on, our hearts and souls were finally at a calm place where she was comfortable. Finally, after twenty-some years, she was at ease with us. Roddy left us to dine alone after the
a
ward
ceremonies
. We enjoyed conversation; a good meal and I held her, for as long as I could. We spent that last night, wrapped in each other
’
s arms and we slept.

When we returned she became mine once again. Going home to her life in Florida was hard. I didn’t know what we would encounter. Beth was married
, s
he had a child, a family life
;
what would that mean. But when we arrived
,
John was gone. His
keen
insight
…
he knew. And I wondered what that would
bring, b
ut in the short time I knew him I learned that he put Beth first. He left without incident, and Beth and I made a life together.

As the changes and adjustments were taking place in our relationship, my life finally revolved around hers. It was a beautiful routine and I cherished every moment with her, and that beautiful little girl. We were a family. In any quiet time
,
I wrote. I found peace putting my thoughts into words, feelings poured from me like wine from a jug.

Standing in the darkness,

I watch her sleep,

It brings me peace.

When there is happiness

I watch her laugh, 

It gives me joy.

Even in silence

I watch her dance,  

It gives me freedom I
’
ve never known before

She is my life, my world and so much more

My one true love

~ ~ ~

The very best time of my life was far too long coming. Walking to the gazebo with Bethy on my arm, knowing that we were finally going to spend the rest of our lives together was bitter
-
sweet. I couldn’t imagine a happier day. Yet in the back of my mind I wondered what the ‘rest of our lives’ really meant. And I was sorry it didn’t happen earlier, but always she would remind me; “Shoulda, coulda, woulda…”