Rewriting Destiny (Forsaken Sinners MC #1) (6 page)

Since I've been taking art since my freshman year, Mr. Tillman lets me draw whatever I want now. Sometimes I choose to do what he tells the other students to draw, but today I want to draw freehand. I’ve had a lot on my mind these last few months, and since I’ve been trying so hard to spend time with Zane this summer, I really haven’t been able to draw much lately.

When I started this picture, I wasn’t sure what it would turn out to be. I just let my pencil flow. When Mr. Tillman says to start clean up because class is almost over, I finally step back to look at what I have drawn. It’s a bunch of lines and swirls around the edges, but as you get to the middle, you can make out the back of a truck. As I stare at it, I finally realize what it is: it’s Zane driving away.

Chapter 7

Today was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break. In some ways, the time went at a slug’s pace. I think the only reason it felt so slow was because I was counting down the months, weeks, and then days before Zane would be home again. He hasn’t been back since the day he left, and we barely get to talk on the phone. Mostly, I get short text messages asking how I am doing, how Gram is feeling, how things are going with Gunnar, and if he is treating me okay. Since I don't want to get into my relationship, I keep my answers short and turn them around on him. Though when I ask how college life is going, I get one word answers like “good” or “fine”.

Then when I ask about football and when I can come see one of his games, he quickly changes the subject. It seems the only time he talks about football is when I ask if he is coming home or if I can visit him. He’ll say that he is too busy with practices and training that he can’t come home or that I shouldn’t make the trip because he won’t be able to spend time with me. I’m not sure if it’s because Zeke isn’t there and maybe his emotions are all over the place when it comes to football, or maybe he really is busy, but it’s like he’s trying to keep me away. It doesn’t sound like football is as important to him anymore, but it is always there as an excuse when he needs one. I hope that’s not the case, because it’s the one thing that should make him feel closer to his brother.

My relationship with Gunnar has been touch and go since school started. I find myself ignoring him more often than not, and I’ve noticed that he has gotten more arrogant and aloof as the days pass. When we do hang out, I long for the way we were that first night we met. Conversation came easy, and I could feel that he cared about me. Now, it seems like it’s all a front. I want to ask him what we are doing, but I’m scared to hear the answer. Even though I don’t feel for him what I probably should or wish I did, I fear that he will tell me he doesn’t want me, and it will cut me deep to hear that yet another person I’ve gotten close to feels that way. Like I’ll never be good enough to keep or stay with.

I am just getting in the door from school when I hear my cell phone ping, but before I can check out the text message, it starts ringing. Gunnar.

“Hello?” I answer as I start walking into the kitchen to grab an apple.

“Hey, beautiful. What are you doing tonight?”

Not really in the mood to go out, I try coming up with a viable excuse. “Um, well, I have to clean up the house and get ready to make pies for tomorrow.” That is better than telling him I don't want to hang out with him.

If it were Zane asking me, I would drop everything to spend time with him. I thought after a while I would stop comparing or dropping Zane into scenarios where Gunnar and I were concerned, but Zane is still all I can think about. I know it’s not fair to Gunnar, but Zane is my everything. I only wish I could tell him that and have him return those feelings.

“Can’t your grandma do that? There’s a party tonight.” There’s always a party he wants to go to. But since Zane is no longer here, parties just aren’t the same for me. I end up sipping on one drink, wishing I was at home or that Zane would walk up with a bottle of Jack for us to share like he always did. But then I remember he’s away at college and I feel the crushing grief of him not being here all over again. The pain hasn’t lessened even a little since I watched him drive away.

“You know she hasn’t been feeling well lately. I’m sorry, but I can’t go,” I say, irritated. He should know by now that Gram is more important to me than anything else, and I have been taking on a lot more to make things easier for her. I shouldn’t even have to explain it; it’s a given. Zane would never question me when it comes to my grandmother. Maybe it is time to break it off with Gunnar. With all the thoughts in my head still about Zane, what we are doing feels like a charade. It’s not real, and it’s not going anywhere. It would be better for both of us to end it.

“Yeah, okay, whatever. I guess I'll just talk to you later.” I can tell he’s pissed, but what’s new?

“Bye, Gunnar,” I say into the phone, but I barely get that out before the line goes dead.

I don’t want to ruin this Thanksgiving break for either of us, so I decide to wait till we get back to school to have a talk with him. Sit down and explain to him that it would probably be better if we were only friends. Maybe then we can go back to the carefree relationship we had at the beginning. He really is a great person, but he’s not who I want to be with romantically. Not like we have done anything more than make out, even though he’s tried. I haven’t told him I’m a virgin, but he must know. Every time his hands wander, I pull back from him. I can tell he gets upset, but he’s gentleman enough not to push or say anything.

After I take my bag up to my room and eat my apple, I run downstairs to check in with Gram. She has felt under the weather lately, but she won’t go to the doctor. She’s sleeping more than usual, and whenever she is doing something more than sitting, she gets short of breath. I’m no doctor, but even I know this is more than a cold or old age. I just need to convince her of that.

“Hey, Gram, I’m going to start making the pies for tomorrow. Then I’ll clean up. Do you need anything before I get started?”

She’s in her chair in the sitting room with her latest cross stitching project. Without even looking up, she says, “No, sweetheart, I’m fine. Would you like help with the pies?”

I’m not the best cook, but these pies should be pretty simple. I don’t think there is much room to go wrong when I have her recipes. “I got it, you just relax. I’ll bring your dinner in later.”

By the time I finish making one apple and two pumpkin pies, get supper done, and then clean up the kitchen, it is past ten. I jump in the shower and put on my yoga pants and a tank top, then lie on my bed to draw a little. Except for what I draw in art class, I haven’t done much else lately. I forgot how relaxing it can be, and a great way to free my mind when I have so much going on. Tonight is no different. I just clear my head and put my pencil to paper and let go.

When I’m done, I finally look at what I have drawn: a girl facing away from me with long, dark hair. Leaves are falling all around her, and down the road, you can see a bright red door. Flowing out of her hair are birds, flying away. It’s a picture of the girl walking away from what she’s known, and going toward the door that leads into the unknown. And the birds signify that she’s letting go of all her shame, all her hurt, all of her hopes. If someone were to look at this picture, they’d probably say the girl is sad and it’s depressing. But when I look at it, it looks like freedom.

After I put all my drawing stuff away, I get under the covers and check the time on my phone. I see a text notification. Between talking to Gunnar, making pies, and cleaning, I forgot I got a message earlier. It’s from Zane. With a smile on my face, I open it up to see what he has to say, but as I read the message, my smile fades.

Zane: Hey Baby Girl. I hate to do this, but I won’t be able to make it home for Thanksgiving. We have extra practices with big games coming up. I’m so sorry…

He’s not coming home? I don’t care if they have state championships the day after Thanksgiving, I need him here. I haven’t seen him since the day he left. I hoped with him home, I’d finally start feeling like myself again and things would be clearer. I wipe the tears I didn’t even know I was shedding, and pull up my contacts to call him. It rings five times before going to voicemail. “Hey…I just got your message. You really can’t come home? Even for a day? I really miss you…I need to see you. Call me when you can, please.”

I hang up the phone and stare at the ceiling. Knowing he won’t be here this weekend, I doubt I’ll be able to sleep. The nightmares will come tonight; I can feel them already sneaking up on me.

Since Zeke died, whenever I’m upset about something, they come. It started out with reliving my grandmother telling me about Zeke and the funeral, but then they progressed into my fear of losing Zane. It happens differently every time; sometimes instead of Zeke, it’s Zane who went overseas and I’m getting news that he died. Or Zane tells me he doesn’t want me and I watch him walk away. Sometimes it’s a combination of the day he left for college and losing him the way we lost Zeke. It doesn’t matter what scene takes place in those dreams, the outcome is always the same. Me, alone, feeling broken and unwanted.

Ten minutes into my staring contest with the ceiling, my phone pings. I quickly grab it, hoping it’s Zane.

Zane: Can’t talk right now, in a study group.

A study group at midnight? And on the night before a holiday…if I didn’t know better, I would think that he’s making excuses and lying to me, but he would never do that to me. Would he?

Me: Study group this late?

Zane: Yeah, we’ve got a project due for a class the first day back from break, that’s why I can’t make it home.

Me: I thought you couldn’t make it home because you had football practice…

His reply doesn’t come for a couple minutes. I worry I’ve upset him, but I can’t find it in myself to care. If he is lying to me, it would be the first time. And the fact that he felt he couldn’t just tell me the truth hurts worse than if he would’ve said he doesn’t want to come home. Sure, that would hurt like hell too, but lying to me…that’s a knife to my heart.

Zane: Look, I have practice AND a big project due. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you like you’re my mother. I said I can’t make it home, end of story.

I can’t believe he’s talking to me like this. Even when he’s been at his worst, he has never taken anything out on me. The way he’s being right now makes me want to throw my phone or drive to where he’s at and throat punch him. Then the beeping of my phone brings me out of thoughts of violence.

Zane: I’m sure you’ll be busy enough with your boyfriend anyway. Look, I have to get back, I'll talk to you later.

I think about what he said and how I should reply. It’s not only that he seems to be ignoring me, but he’s upset that I’m dating Gunnar. He doesn’t know that I’m ending it with him, but that doesn’t mean anything. I’ve always put Zane before Gunnar, even though he isn't here. There’s no reason he should be like this toward me.

I give up. I’m done being the only one trying to keep our friendship on track. I'm done with feelings of hurt and disappointment. I slowly type out my response. Then I stare at it long and hard before hitting the send button.

Me: I get it, Zane. I hope practice and your project go well…I’ll leave you alone from now on. By the way, I broke up with Gunnar.

I turn my phone off without waiting for a response. Instead of burying myself under my covers, I decide to go to the party Gunnar mentioned. Since it’s a warm night, I slip on my jean skirt and change into a black tank top. I head into the bathroom to fix my hair and put on some make-up. Since I’m in a dark mood, I use a heavier hand with my eye shadow, eye liner, and mascara. I put my hair in a messy pony tail and give it more volume. Once finished in the bathroom, I sit on my bed and put on my black combat boots.

I quietly walk down the stairs so I don’t wake Gram, and get in my car. I don’t need to call Gunnar to ask where the party is; they are always at the lake. Tonight, I’m going to drown everything I'm feeling in a bottle of Jack.

***

The first thing I notice when I arrive at the party is that there are more people than I expected. Considering how late it is and that it’s the night before Thanksgiving, I assumed that nobody would be here. Not that it matters; I’m here for one thing and one thing only: Jack Daniels.

I head right over to the table where the drinks are usually set up. I hope there is still something left since the party has been on for a few of hours now.

I pass a couple kissing by the fire, another stumbles over to the vehicles, and there’s a group of guys from the football team huddled around the keg. That sight alone makes me smile. That hasn’t changed since Zane left; you can always count on the football players guarding the keg. When I used to come to parties here with Zane, I would hang with him and his friends on the team before branching off to sit with some girls. But most of them graduated when he did, leaving Jaxon the only one who I’ve spent some time with.

I spot a half bottle of Jack, so I grab it and then walk over to the guys by the keg. When I’m a few feet away, I notice Jaxon has spotted me and has a look in his eye that would normally make me want turn and run, afraid of what caused it, but I hold his stare and continue forward. I’m not sure where my confidence and attitude are coming from, but I kind of like it. Maybe I’ve found the new me. Kickass, take-no-prisoners Danielle.

He intercepts me before I make it all the way to the group. “I take it someone told you,” he says when he reaches me.

“Why else would I be here?” I reply. Not like I would need someone to tell me about a party to show up, but I suppose it helps.