Love Me: Oakville Series:Book 5 (26 page)

W
hat the fuck was I thinking? I can’t be with anyone else. I shouldn’t be with anyone else. It’s only been three years—I’m still married. I look up to the sky, and whisper, “I’m so sorry, Taryn. Please forgive me.” My heart squeezes in my chest and I reach in my pocket to grab my keys. My hands shake and they fall to the ground. As I bend down to pick them up, I hear Angel calling my name. I can’t deal with him right now. I need to go home and be alone with my thoughts. I’m tired of trying to explain myself to everyone around me. I fumble with my keys again and before I can hit the button to unlock my doors, a hand lands on my shoulder, spinning me around to a really pissed off looking Angel. Paul and Kyle stand right behind him with similar expressions.

“Don’t start. I’m not in the mood to listen right now. I’m going home,” I state, hoping they just leave me the hell alone. Angel’s face reddens as he grabs a fistful of my shirt in his hand and slams me against my truck. I grunt at the force and fight to catch my breath.

“It’s time to get your head out of your ass. She’s gone, Marcus. She’s never coming back,” he yells, his face so close to mine, the heat from his breath washes over my face and drops of spit landing on my skin. When I finally catch my breath, I start to speak, but the glare he shoots me has me thinking better of it. “I can’t believe what you just did to that girl in there. That was fucked up, and now you’re just gonna walk away from her without an explanation? Who the hell are you?” he shouts, furious. I’ve never seen him this mad.

I do feel bad for the way I left Lexi, but I just can’t deal with all this shit right now. Unable to explain any of this to him, I try to pull away, but he shoves me again. With one hand, he holds me against the truck, and with the other, he reaches into his back pocket, pulls out an envelope, and shoves it in my hand. “This is from Taryn. She wanted me to give it to you when I thought you’d need it. Well, I think now is the time.” He lets go of my shirt and backs away a bit.

I look down at the white envelope clasped in my hand. My eyes flood with tears when I see Taryn’s perfect curvy handwriting. My legs give way and I slide down the side of the truck until my ass hits the asphalt. Unashamed that my three best friends, my brothers, are looking on, I retreat into my pain and grief as everything around me falls away.

Somehow, the guys get me into the passenger seat of my truck. Paul tells Angel to call him when he needs a ride home, then Angel tells Kyle to let Chelsie know what he’s doing. I stare out the window the entire ride home in a fog. I keep wondering what this letter says—what message Taryn would have thought ahead to give me—but I’m terrified reading it will destroy me all over again. It may not seem like it to everyone around me, but I am doing better than I was, and the agony I felt from losing Taryn is not something I ever want to feel again.

Angel opens the car door, pulling me from my thoughts. I get out and follow him into the house. In complete silence, we walk through to the kitchen. Kelly is sitting at the table reading a book. When she hears us approach, she looks up, a smile on her face. Glancing from Angel to me then back again, her smile quickly fades. She knows something is wrong, but thankfully doesn’t ask.

“The boys are in bed. Cody is thrilled to be spending the night,” she says. Damn it. I forgot he was staying. Normally I love having Cody over, but tonight the only thing I can think of is the letter in my hand. “I can stay if you need me to.”

I shake my head. “No. Thank you, though. We’ll be fine.” For a brief moment, she hesitates, but then quickly gathers her things. “Thanks for watching them tonight,” I say. Angel nods toward her, letting me know he’ll let her out. I stare down at the envelope, a freight train of emotions plowing through me. Feelings of loss and pain eat at me from the inside out. I feel as though I’m losing her for the first time all over again.

“Kelly left. I checked on the boys. They’re fine,” Angel states. I look up from the envelope, wondering just how long I’ve been sitting here. Angel takes a seat across from me. “Do you want me to stay while you read that?” he asks.
Do I want him or anyone around me when I read this letter? Do I even want to read this letter?
My stomach knots.

“I don’t know what to do. To be honest, I’m a little scared to read it,” I tell him.

“I get that, but I think you need to read it.”

“Have you read it? Did she tell you what she wrote?” I question, a little agitated he might know something about my wife I don’t.

“The only thing she told me is I’d know when to give it to you. She said she didn’t want you mourning her forever. She wanted you to move on and be happy. I know you feel as if you’re betraying her by being with someone else, but that’s not the case.”

“My head knows that, but my heart hasn’t gotten the message yet. I don’t like being sad and miserable all the time. I want to be happy again. I want to see my son happy again. I just don’t know how to do it.” He nods. Getting up, he walks to the cabinet and pulls down a bottle of Jameson along with two glass tumblers. Sitting back down at the table, he pours us both a small amount of the liquor, raises his glass, and takes a sip. I do the same, enjoying the burn of the liquid as it slides down my throat.

“I think the first step is to read what Taryn has to say.” He stands. “I’ll be in the living room if you need me.” I wait until he leaves the room before I carefully open the envelope. Taking a deep, shaky breath, I unfold the paper.

My Dearest Marcus,

I hoped you would never have to read this. Because if you are, that means you’re not doing well. I’m so sorry I had to leave you and Chase. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m sure it was just as hard, if not harder, for the two of you to be the ones left without me.

Throughout our entire time together, there was never a second I didn’t feel loved. You’ve always had a way of making me feel like the most special woman in the world. For that, I thank you.

You are a kind, sweet, and loving man. You have a huge heart filled with so much love. I want you to find the right woman to share the rest of your life with—someone who will love you and Chase as fiercely as I do—someone you can love. I want you both to be happy again. I know you love me, but loving someone else won’t diminish that in any way. You are not betraying me by falling in love again. It’s what I want. Knowing the two of you will be loved and taken care of is the only thing that makes me leaving bearable.

If Angel has had to give you this letter, then you have probably found someone you have feelings for. And if I know you as well as I think I do, then you’re most likely struggling with those feelings. Go for it, Marcus. You’ll know she’s the right woman if she can accept that a piece of your heart will always be mine. I know how much I meant to you. You showed me every day, but your heart is big enough to love someone else. I know it.

Please don’t give up on life or love. You have an amazing heart, don’t let it die with me. Move on and be happy. Do it knowing I’ll be smiling down on you all. That is the last thing I’ll ask of you. I love you with all my heart and I’m so thankful for the time we had together, even though it seemed so brief. You have a lot of living ahead of you, so please make the most of it, for me.

Love always,

Taryn

Hot tears stream down my cheeks as I read the letter again and again. She’s telling me to move on, to love again—hell, she’s insisting. Still, I don’t know if I can do it. And if I did, and if Lexi is someone I want to be with, will she understand the feelings I’ll always have for Taryn? My head spins with all the questions and Taryn’s words floating around inside it. After calming myself a bit, I wipe my tears away and find Angel in the living room. As soon as I enter, he looks up at me with concerned eyes.

“Are you okay?”

“I think so. I need a little time. Can you stay here with the boys?”

“Of course. Take as long as you need.”

“Thank you,” I tell him.

Before long, I’m pulling down the dirt road leading to the lake, memories of happier times flooding my mind. I back my truck up to the edge of the lake, roll the windows down, turn up the radio, pull the tailgate down, then climb into the bed. With my arms propped under my head, I lay back and look up at the stars. I can’t help but wonder if it’s possible Taryn is somewhere up there looking down at me.

“I miss you so fucking much, sweetness,” I whisper, staring up at the glittering sky in silence, as if I’m expecting to hear her answer me. “We were supposed to grow old together. I know you didn’t want to leave us. And I know you want me—us to be happy. I know because that’s what I’d want for you if I were the one who was gone. I just don’t know if I can do it.” I huff out a humorless laugh. “As stupid as it sounds, I wish you were here to help me.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, a cool breeze begins to blow and the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Sitting upright, I look around me in the darkness. I have this feeling there’s someone here with me, but I see no one.

Glancing around one more time, I make sure I’m still alone. As I lay back down, a calmness settles over me. For the first time in over three years, I feel at peace, and as impossible and crazy as it is, I feel like Taryn is here with me. The thought has goose bumps breaking out all over my body.

“Give me a sign that what you said in your letter is really what will make you happy. All I’ve ever wanted was to make you happy, sweetness.” I wait, completely still and quiet, hoping for any little sign that she hears me. The wind begins to blow again and I look up, catching the sight of a bright star shooting across the sky. A smile crosses my face and a tear falls from my eye. “Thank you, Taryn. You will always be with me. I love you.”

I
stare at myself as I stand in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom. Tonight, I’m going to meet the girls for our weekly girls’ night. My dark hair is curled to perfection, falling loose around my shoulders. My eyes are dark and smoky. My lips shimmer from the pink gloss. I’m wearing a V-neck black tee with a blinged heart in the center and a pair of loose fitting boyfriend jeans with my favorite black strappy sandals. I look pretty hot if I do say so myself. Too bad Marcus won’t be there to see it.

It’s been two weeks since the night Marcus kissed me then bolted, leaving me in the middle of the dance floor crushed. There’s been no contact whatsoever. Someone else, usually Kelly, picks Chase up from school every day. When I asked the girls about it last week, they said they weren’t really sure what was going on with him. Holly said he told them he needed some time to sort some shit out, whatever the fuck that means. I know he feels something for me. I felt it in his kiss. Never in my life have I felt a kiss so filled with desire. But the pained expression on his face when he pulled away spoke volumes. He’s not over his wife, and as much as I can sympathize with him, I will not let myself get hurt because he can’t let her go. I shake the thoughts of Marcus Winters from my mind. After looking myself over one more time, I grab my handbag and head out.