Love Me: Oakville Series:Book 5 (11 page)

T
he weekend at Legoland was exactly what we needed for our family. We thought it would be fun not to tell Chase where we were going. We left here early in the morning when it was still dark outside with Chase fast asleep in the backseat. Just before we pulled up to the entrance, we woke our sleepy little man. When his eyes landed on the huge Legoland entrance, they widened to the size of saucers. Using his fists, he wiped at his eyes.

“Am I still asweep, momma?”
he asked in a sweet, sleepy voice.

“No, baby, you’re awake. Daddy and I are taking you to Legoland,”
Taryn explained after her laughter subsided. He began dancing around in his booster seat and fist pumping into the air. When we were parked and getting out of the car, he ran up and gave us each huge hugs.

“Thank you so much. I can’t believe you brought me to the best place on earth. You guys are the best,”
he shouted, over excited. After he finished jumping around and yelling, he took our hands, and together, the three of us started our adventure.

We built some amazing memories Chase and I will be able to hang on to for the rest of our lives and the shit storm about to hit was forgotten for three full days. We were able to laugh and have fun without the dark luminous clouds hanging over our heads. It was almost as if cancer hadn’t entered our lives at all. Every time she smiled, I burned the image into my brain, so I could go back and see those images again when I needed them the most. Taryn was getting tired a lot easier than normal, but like the strong woman she is, she never slowed down, determined to make the trip the best time Chase had ever had.

Taryn took pictures and videos of everything—food, our hotel room, and each and every inch of Legoland inside and out. We have funny and goofy pictures with our tongues hanging out or making silly faces, so many photos of Chase and Taryn together that he will one day treasure, and I made sure to get a lot of Taryn and me alone as well as good ones of all three of us. The best part about every single picture was that we were all happy, without a care in the world.

“Breakfast is ready, baby,” Taryn yells from the kitchen. With a groan, I open my eyes, not ready for reality. I’ve been laying here in bed remembering our weekend and putting off what we have to do today. Telling Chase his mommy is sick and will die is going to be the hardest thing we have ever done. I’ve been wanting to put off telling Chase, but the reality of what’s to come has begun to sink in. Chase needs to be as prepared as possible. This is not going to be easy. The thought of crushing my little man makes my heart ache.

“Your food will be cold if you don’t get that hot ass of yours out there,” Taryn says from the doorway of our bedroom.

“Sweetness, you are the sexiest woman I have ever seen. Maybe you should come over here so I can have you for breakfast,” I suggest, and a blush creeps up her face as a smile plays on her lips. Looking at her leaning against the doorjamb has me instantly hard.

“As tempting as that sounds, I’m still gonna have to pass. We have an appointment in an hour with the lawyer, remember?” For a moment, sadness clouds her eyes. “Angel will be here soon. He’s staying with Chase until we get back.” This is not easy on her either. I’m sure she’s dreading this day just as much as I am. If only there were some way I could take the pain from her and Chase and inflict it on myself. If that were possible, I’d do it in a second—anything to make this easier for them. They are my world—the world I’m supposed to protect and make happy, and more and more, I feel as though I’m a huge failure.

Sitting down with a lawyer to draw up a will is not high on my priority list. I can’t help but wonder if any of this will ever get easier. Coming to terms with everything that will transpire in the coming months is not an easy thing to do, but for Taryn, I’m trying. I paste a smile on my face and climb out of bed. When the sheet slips from my naked body, Taryn groans and licks her lips. Slowly, she begins to walk toward me, her eyes trained on my hardness.

“Mommy! Come quick. I spilled my milk,” Chase yells from the kitchen. Taryn closes her eyes and shakes her head. I chuckle at her obvious disappointment. She takes one more look at me before turning and walking away. I watch her go, then make my way into the shower.

Ten minutes later, I’m walking into the kitchen. Mouthwatering smells surround me as I take a seat at the bar next to Chase. I ruffle his hair a little and it earns me a cute smile and giggle. Taryn sets a plate filled with bacon and scrambled eggs in front of me. Immediately, I’m stuffing my face. My wife may not cook too many things, but she makes the best bacon and eggs I’ve ever eaten. For a little while, I can sit here and pretend today is a day like every other we’ve had. The horrible things we have to do can be pushed to the back of my mind, at least for a little while.

The doorbell rings and Chase jumps from his stool. “I’ll get it. It’s Uncle Angel,” he announces as he runs to the front door. He sure does love his Uncle Angel. At least the first half of his day will be filled with laughter and fun. The knot in my stomach returns when I think about how much this news is going to destroy our son.

A few minutes later, a giggling Chase comes running into the kitchen with Angel chasing behind him, pretending to be the tickle monster. With his arms out in front of him, wiggling his fingers, and growling, “I’m gonna tickle you silly,” he has Taryn and I laughing almost as hard as Chase is. Angel chases him a little longer before catching him and spinning him around in the air. He pretends to slam him onto the couch, then begins tickling him silly, as promised. The laughter filling the room warms my heart. Every one of these small moments of pure happiness I keep trying to burn into my memory. I’m so afraid the three of us won’t have much left to smile about soon.

The ride to the lawyer’s office is quiet, both of us lost in our own heads. I keep playing through scenarios of how best to explain all this to Chase. He’s a smart kid and understands more than most kids his age, but how much information is too much? I want him to be prepared. He needs to know his mom won’t be here much longer so he can spend as much time with her as possible. I don’t want it to come as a shock to him or leave him feeling like he didn’t have enough time to say goodbye. Again, I come back to the same question: will he comprehend any of this at his age?

Taryn places her hand on mine, pulling my attention to her, her eyes filled with unshed tears. “Are you thinking about Chase?” she asks, a slight tremble in her voice. By the stressed look on her face, I know she’s been thinking about him too. This has to be weighing on her just as heavily as it is me—if not more. She feels like she’s causing Chase and me pain, but I don’t blame her. It’s not like she asked for this, and it’s tearing her up too. For fuck’s sake, she’s going to lose her life.

I give her hand a gentle squeeze. “Yeah, I was thinking about how and what to tell Chase. This is going to be so hard to do, sweetness. Have you come up with any ideas?” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

“I think we should be as honest as possible. We’ve discussed what death is before. He seemed to grasp it well,” she states, and I give her a questioning look. Where the hell was I during this conversation? She narrows her eyes, giving me that look she uses when I didn’t hear…or pay attention to something she’s told me. “You don’t remember that, do you?” I shake my head and look down at my lap, waiting for her to scold me. The laughter that comes from her surprises me. I lift my eyes to meet hers and smile. I can’t help it. Her laugh always makes me smile. “I can’t believe you don’t remember when his goldfish died and we had to flush it. He kept asking all kinds of questions and you told me to handle it. I told you all about it afterward,” she says, feigning aggravation.

“I totally forgot about that. How much detail did you go into?” I question. A goldfish is not a human—not his mother. I just can’t see how he is going to understand this. I don’t and I’m an adult. Of course, I understand when people die they are gone forever, and I’m sure we can make Chase understand that much. It’s the why part that will be difficult.
Why my mommy?
will be the question he’ll ask the most. I know this because I’ve been asking the same thing. Why my wife?
Just because
or
There’s no reason, it just happens
is not going to cut it with our inquisitive little man. He’s going to want concrete answers—answers no one can give him.

“I explained animals and people die sometimes because of being sick, sometimes from an accident, and other times just because they are very old. He asked where they go when they die. I told him they go to a very beautiful place called Heaven. Then he asked if we will ever see the people or pets again. When I told him no, he said that makes him sad.” She takes a staggering breath, tears pooling in her eyes before she closes them, as if what she has to say is causing her pain. I wait and give her time to collect her thoughts. “He asked me if...if you and I would ever die.” I run my hand down my face. I have a feeling I know where she’s going with this. Her face is guilt ridden. “I told him that wouldn’t happen for a very long time. That he would be grown with his own family. Now we have to tell him I’m going to die. I feel like I lied to him. He’s going to think I lied to him,” she says, sounding so defeated, and my heart aches for her. She already thinks she’s letting us down and is carrying around a lot of guilt for that—guilt she shouldn’t have to carry. This isn’t her fault. But now she feels even more guilt she shouldn’t have to feel.

“Sweetness, you didn’t lie. You said what I would’ve said in that situation. What any parent would have said in that moment,” I say, trying to reassure her.

“My head knows that, but my heart still doesn’t believe it,” she replies. I know exactly how she feels. I feel that way about her illness. In my head, I know what is going to happen and how I need to prepare myself, but my heart has put up barriers and refuses to allow any of that to happen. She swipes under her eyes, clearing away the few tears slipping from them. After checking her makeup in the visor mirror, she gathers her purse and opens her door. “Let’s go get this over with.”

I
now know why people put off having a will drawn up. It is tedious and depressing. Marcus sat through most of it in silence, his face pale and legs shaking. He wanted to be anywhere but in that stuffy ass office discussing medical power of attorney and living wills. I can’t say I was enjoying any of it either. Doing all of that just made my fate real. Another smack upside the face to tell me I’m dying. At the encouragement of the lawyer, we drew up a will for Marcus, too. Just in case. The thought that something could happen to him while Chase is still young is sickening.

When it came time to choose a guardian, we decided on Angel and Chelsie. Not that any of our other friends wouldn’t be a great choice as well; Angel and Chase just have a special bond. Angel is great with Chase and Chase loves him. I think Angel may be the guardian for all of our friend’s children actually. There’s just something about him every kid loves. If, God forbid, something were to happen to Marcus after I’m gone, Chase would be happy with Angel. Marcus and I know he would be taken care of and treated just like one of their own children.

The ride home is just as quiet as the ride over was. Marcus is holding my hand and not letting go, as if he needs the constant contact—needs to know I’m still here. The closer we get to home, the more nauseous I become. I have no idea how we are going to break this news to our son. It’s going to be the hardest thing either of us will ever have to do. He’s such a sensitive boy. Any child would take this news hard, but Chase will take it harder than most.

Marcus pulls into the garage, turns off the car, then presses the button on the visor and the door closes behind us. We both just sit there in the dark, staring toward the door leading into the house, neither of us wanting to face having this talk with our son. My stomach is in knots. Blood pumps through my veins twice as fast as it should and it’s causing my head to throb. I reach my hand over and run my fingers through Marcus’ short, silky hair. He closes his eyes and lets out a soft sigh.

“This is really going to suck, sweetness,” he says in a low voice. I run my hand up and down his neck, attempting to ease his tension. He drops his chin to his chest, giving me better access.

“Yes, it is going to suck. It’s going to suck more than anything, but we have to do it,” I affirm. He nods his head, then removes the keys from the ignition. He gives me a tight smile before opening his door and exiting the car. I follow right behind. Waiting for me at the door, Marcus takes my hand in his and we make our way inside together.