Jade Archer - Sandpipers 2 - Raven's Mark (4 page)

With Ryan safely dropped off and settled in at preschool, Raven headed towards the waterfront. Stretching and warming tight muscles as he went, gradually increasing his heart rate and letting the rhythm of his footfalls take over, he slowly lost himself in building up to a run. At least that was the theory.

He ran every morning. The temptation to bury himself away and hide inside the vast, anonymous depths of the internet was too strong. In fact, if it wasn’t for Ryan he probably would have succumbed long ago. But he couldn’t let that happen. Ryan needed him. He had to get out and about and, if not mingle comfortably with others, at least not trap himself at home.

So he ran, letting his feet take him away and his mind clear step by heart-pounding step. Unfortunately, hard as he tried, he couldn’t find any peace in the endorphin release and physical exertion today. Over and over again his mind replayed the embarrassment of Wolf’s birthday party…in vivid, excruciating details that just wouldn’t let him go.

He couldn’t believe, on top of his stupid, tongue-tied, can’t-get-a-damn-sentence-outright stuttering, he’d had a panic attack. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he’d had it right in front of Mark. He was horrified with himself. He wanted to crawl away and hide and never come out again. And it had all started over something as stupid as forgetting to take off his boots at the door.

Damn it! He knew better. Shoes in the house had always been a big no-no. Of course, it was by no means the only trigger that would have brought a world of hurt down on him, but it was certainly one he knew better than to tempt. When he’d looked down at his feet and seen the thick rubber soles against the tiles, something had flipped inside him. He’d been right back there—getting pummelled and screamed at for daring to mess up the floors. And panic had been hard and fast on the heels of the flashback.

He felt so pathetic. Guys that had been to war zones had flashbacks. Not wimps that didn’t have the balls to just get over it and move on.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Finally arriving at the boardwalk, Raven gritted his teeth and balled his hands into fists as he ran. All he needed was a chance…an
opportunity
to get on with it and eventually—just maybe—be normal. But he’d never manage it if he gave in to the negative thoughts and images swirling around in his head.

Pouring on the speed, he tried to drown the thoughts out—to smother the doubts and fears riding him hard. But try as he might, he couldn’t shut them down or silence the little voice that wondered if he would ever manage to be a good role model and father to Ryan. Someone that could actually string more than three words together in a conversation and not feel the urge to run away the whole time.

Finally admitting defeat, Raven slowed to a walk and started his cool down routine. It wasn’t going to happen today. He’d only done about half his usual distance but he knew from experience the loop that had started up in his mind would just continue to play over and over again. The only way to break it now was to do something different. Which was appropriate—he’d needed to do something different his whole life.

And finally I am!
Like a lifeline he clung to the realisation. He
had
started to change things—to make things better, for Ryan and for himself. He had a way to go yet, but he’d come an incredibly long way already—both physically and mentally. The move to Riversands had been the best thing he’d ever done for them. It was a fresh start—a chance at a new life far away from the memories of torment and abuse and never being quite good enough.
A little calm he’d never have been able to achieve even twelve months ago settled inside him. No, it wasn’t going to be easy, but he could do it. Of course, just as he was shaking his limbs out and starting to feel better about the day, he spotted the very last person he needed to see right now…
Mark—his light grey T-shirt stained around the collar and pits with sweat, suggesting he’d just finished a run himself. He’d set one long, bronzed leg up on a bench to stretch out his thigh and calf muscles. Reaching forward to touch the toe of his runners emphasised his strong forearms and solid biceps. He looked magnificent set against the backdrop of bright morning sun and dark blue sea, and Raven noticed more than one set of eyes following Mark’s every move as he continued to bend and stretch.
Raven wanted to groan in frustration. Unfortunately, just as he realised he should be getting out of sight rather than ogling the man’s hard body, Mark looked up.
“Raven!” A huge grin lit up Mark’s face as he strode across the boardwalk towards him.
Watching the smooth, confident strides, the way his tight T-shirt pulled across firm pectoral muscles and the dazzling smile that graced his strong, square-jawed face, a thrill of excitement laced with an equal measure of dread raced through Raven’s body.
Okay, so maybe Mark wasn’t the very last person he
wanted
to see. But he certainly wasn’t someone that was going to make Raven feel settled and centred anytime soon.
“Hey! Raven! Fancy meeting you here.”
“Um…yeah! H-hi.”
Damn
! Raven wanted to kick himself. Smooth was so
not
his middle name. And watching Mark’s body as he continued to shift from foot to foot and shake out his limbs certainly didn’t help.
“Do you run here often?” Mark asked, then let out an easy chuckle. “Oh, wow! That sounded so lame. I didn’t mean it like some sort of cheesy pickup line.”
Raven felt familiar heat climb up his neck and fill his cheeks. “I…ah… I t-try to run here every m-morning.”
“Yeah? I’ve only just started running again. Been getting kind of lazy and flabby since I started at Sandpipers.”
Yeah, right
! There wasn’t a flabby inch on the man!
“Hey, I was just about to get a drink.” Mark pointed to a small refreshments stall displaying rows of drinks and fruit under the shade of a brightly coloured beach umbrella. “You want one?”
Raven froze. He had absolutely no idea what to say. Or more specifically, he had no idea why Mark would be asking. Especially after yesterday’s little debacle.
“I…um… I d-don’t know.”
“Please?”
“I’m not… I mean I’m n-not sure.”
“Just a drink.” Mark locked eyes with him, but instead of feeling intimidated and trapped, Raven found the steady gaze reassuring somehow…which only added to his confusion. “Come on, it’s too nice a day to be heading home yet.”
“Just…a drink?” Raven asked, battling doubt and insecurity. Much as he wanted to relax, maybe even trust Mark, neither came easily to Raven.
Mark smiled again and Raven felt the heat right up to the tips of his ears. Embarrassment and an odd, unexpected wash of pleasure fought for dominance inside him.
“Promise.” Mark used his finger to draw a cross over his heart…just the way he’d done the day before when he’d made his promise to Ryan. “We can sit in the park.”
As Mark pointed out the park across the road with its huge shade trees and convenient picnic shelters, Raven studied his face, looking hard for any hint that Mark was making fun of him or had some malicious intent. But there was no mockery. No spiteful glint in his eyes. There was just Mark staring back at him—open, honest, hopeful and maybe just a touch anxious, as if worried he might be knocked back.
Oddly enough, the touch of uncertainty was what gave Raven the extra shot of courage he needed.
“I-I think I’d l-like that.”
Mark’s expression—a potent mix of relief and delight—filled Raven up with a strange, warm pleasure from deep inside right through to the tiny hairs that stood up on his arms in heightened awareness.
“What would you like? My treat.”
“Um…just w-w-water, please.”
After paying the woman behind the stall and collecting two bottles of water, Mark led them across to the park and one of the bench seats sheltered from the sun under the sprawling branches of the trees.
“So, have you lived in Riversands long?” Mark asked, handing across one of the clear plastic bottles before cracking the lid on his own.
Raven watched, mesmerised as Mark tipped his head back and swallowed the water in long pulls, his throat muscles working in fascinating waves.
“No,” Raven finally managed, distracted by a bead of sweat that trickled down the strong column of Mark’s neck. “We…ah… We m-moved here about eight months ago. From Ch-Ch-Chicago.”
Even as the last word finally slipped out, Raven wanted to bite his own careless tongue off. He hadn’t planned on telling anyone where he’d come from. Ever. Just because he didn’t want to have anything to do with his old life, didn’t mean it wouldn’t try to track him down and drag them back.
“Wow. That’s a big move. You like it here?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t miss the windy city?”
Raven shook his head, hiding the fact his throat was too tight to answer by taking a sip of water. Every bad memory he had started there. From the first time he could remember being teased for stuttering to the bitterly cold morning he’d sneaked out of the house he’d been sharing with his drug and alcohol dependant brother. He’d packed up his dilapidated old hatchback and started driving, determined never to look back.
And with any luck the whole sordid, messy past would stay there, far away from him and Ryan.
“So how long were you in Chicago?”
“I g-grew up there.” Desperately wanting to change the subject, Raven cleared his throat. “Why are you d-doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“This.” Raven indicated the two of them sitting together with a wave of his hand. “Asking me to j-join you for a drink. T-talking to me.”
Mark studied him for a moment, as though wondering if Raven was ready for the answer. “Honestly?”
Raven nodded but he still wasn’t really prepared for Mark’s reply.
“I like you.”
Raven blinked.
“But—” Really and truly it didn’t make sense to him. Mark was the kind of goodlooking, self-assured man who would never have to go home alone if he didn’t want to. Why pick out someone so obviously messed up to hang around with? “You d-don’t even know me.”
“No, but I want to.”
The memory of Ryan asking Mark if he wanted to be his daddy’s playmate, then warning Mark off hurting him, instantly filled Raven’s mind. His face heated to scorching and he looked away, thoroughly humiliated.
“The truth is…I’m attracted to you, Raven.”
Panic started to muscle in on the embarrassment. Suddenly, their little spot under the trees felt isolated instead of sheltering. He didn’t do well with people that were attracted to him. Never had, from the ‘uncle’ whose hands had tended to wander inappropriately when no one was looking to his ill-fated marriage. It never ended well.
“Breathe, Raven. Just breathe.” Mark reached out, but Raven was on his feet in an instant, backing away before the hand made contact.
“I c-can’t do this. I just c-c-can’t.”
“Raven! Wait! Please, hear me out.”
“No. Really. It’s just n-not a good idea. For either of us.”
“Why not?”
“Trust me. I’m not a good…p-prospect.”
“What makes you say that?”
Raven just stared at him. He couldn’t believe Mark even had to ask. Once again, he wondered if he was being made fun of. But he couldn’t find any evidence of ridicule in Mark’s eyes. They just watched him patiently—unblinking and terrifyingly sincere.
“I’m m-m-messed up.”
“Well we’re all messed up a bit somehow. But I can be patient. All I want is a chance. Let’s just take things slow and see where they go.”
A chance
. The words hit home with a resounding thud that reverberated right through him. A chance was all he’d been looking for when he moved to Riversands. It was all he’d ever been looking for, really. And now Mark was asking for one, with such earnest determination.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why me? I mean… W-Why would you w-want to pick someone like me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“Don’t!” Raven snapped. Even as his teeth clicked together, he couldn’t believe he’d spoken so sharply. But Mark’s glib retort had stirred something dark and angry inside him. The words felt like a dismissal of everything that had happened to him. Everything he had struggled with and fought for to be at this point in his life. “Y-yesterday—”
“You had a panic attack. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of people have them.”
“It’s not just the p-panic attacks. Or the s-s-stuttering. There are…things you don’t know. Stuff you w-won’t understand.”
Mark was quiet for such a long time, Raven started to squirm.
“You’re right,” Mark finally said, and Raven’s heart sank at the admission even though he’d been the one pushing him to finally come to his senses. “I didn’t mean what I said to sound offhand. You’re right when you say I don’t understand. But I want to. That’s what I’m asking for. A chance to get to know you and for you to get to know me.”
Raven just stared at him for a moment. “But…w-why?”
Mark let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair.
“I don’t know. I can’t really explain it. There’s just…something about you.” Mark turned his head and grinned at him. “And no, it’s not your looks. Though I do think you’re gorgeous.”
Raven suspected the comment was supposed to lighten the mood, but all it did was make him more uncomfortable.
Mark’s smile quickly faded. “Sorry. What I meant was…I’ve seen you for weeks now— coming to the restaurant, playing with the kids, talking to Lark and Brody and Zak and Jaime and…well, I like what I see.” Mark shrugged, suddenly looking terribly self-conscious. “I’d like to get to know you better.”
Raven couldn’t help wondering when the other shoe would drop.
“What about R-Ryan?”
“What about him?” Mark asked, sounding genuinely confused.
“Doesn’t he… I m-mean…doesn’t the fact I have a ch-child put you off?”
“No. Why would it?”
“Most guys… I can’t d-do a casual fling kind of th-thing.”
“I know. That’s not what I want. Never has been.”
Raven stared at Mark. He couldn’t seem to get himself to move or say anything either way. He was completely paralysed by past hurts and a very real fear of the unknown future. At the same time, he couldn’t deny being attracted to Mark. He felt completely torn, not sure what to do or which way to turn.
“I’d really like to get to know Ryan eventually,” Mark continued cautiously, as if he worried Raven would bolt at any second. “But…maybe you and I should see how we get on together first.”
Raven couldn’t deny he liked what Mark was saying. It demonstrated more than anything else that he was serious. That he knew Raven had to think about his son and that a casual fuck buddy wasn’t in the cards. It also showed that Mark knew that if somehow something more should ever develop between them, Ryan would be part of the deal.
“Raven. I really like you. And I think… Well, I think maybe you like me too. Is there any reason why we can’t explore this?”
Lots
, thought Raven, but he didn’t stop Mark reaching out to take his hand this time.
“Just think about it, huh? Please.” The murmured request was made all the more intimate by the low hanging branches of the trees that surrounded them and the sound of the ocean that drowned out the rest of the world. There was just the two of them…and one giant leap of faith.
Raven found himself nodding without any conscious decision to do so. And the really crazy thing was that what he was agreeing to—to thinking about getting to know Mark and seeing where it might lead—didn’t absolutely terrify him as he stared into Mark’s earnest blue eyes.