Jade Archer - Sandpipers 2 - Raven's Mark (17 page)

“It doesn’t have to be hard. Why does it have to be hard?”
Mark could hear the edge of panic in his voice, but he couldn’t help it. It didn’t help that
his question was met by silence as Raven eased himself into the driver’s seat. He was going
to run. Mark just knew it.
“Where will you go?”
“I d-don’t… I just… I don’t know,” Raven said as he turned the key in the ignition. “Don’t run. Please, don’t—”
“Mark, just…just g-give me some room to b-breathe.”
With that, Raven pulled his door closed and backed out of the parking space. Watching
Raven pull away without looking at him while Ryan’s pale face tracked him with sad
intensity, Mark felt as though a cold, hard rock had replaced his heart. He put his hands on
his hips and took several deep breaths, bowing his head as he struggled to keep it together. As he glanced down, he saw the crushed remains of several cigarette butts littering the
ground. He realised he was standing in the exact same spot where Maria had been waiting
for them and he felt physically ill.

Mark slammed his fist down against the steering wheel in frustration as he stared at Raven’s assigned parking space in front of the Oceanview Apartments building—the one that should have contained Raven’s car at this time of the morning…but didn’t.

Damn it all to hell!
Raven hadn’t come home. Or maybe he had, but he certainly wasn’t there now. And who knew if he’d ever be back.
Mark’s stomach rolled just thinking about never seeing Raven and Ryan again. In the last few months they’d come to mean everything to him. Where were they? Had Raven run? Had something happened to them? Raven’s car was pretty old. Maybe it had broken down somewhere. Or they’d been in an accident.
Heart slamming against his sternum, Mark pushed the last thought firmly from his mind. There weren’t going to be any more car accidents. He just needed to find them, wrap them up in his arms and take things back to the way they’d been before he’d dropped Raven and Ryan home last night. Back to when everything had been right with the world.
Okay, that was not even vaguely realistic, but realistic wasn’t going to keep his heart from pounding into cardiac arrest or prevent his imminent breakdown.
Screw realistic
.
A horn blared, startling Mark out of his little internal tirade. Looking up into the rear view mirror he spotted the scowling face of the guy in the car behind wanting to get on with his day. It was supremely irritating when his life had gone to hell and didn’t look like it was getting better anytime soon. It drove one thing home loud and clear, though. He needed to do something. He couldn’t just sit here hitting inanimate objects.
Mark took a moment to consider his options, earning him another blast from the guy behind him, which he ignored. There really was only two he could come up with—drive around in circles looking for Raven by himself, or get help. Peeling out of the parking lot with a squeal of tires, Mark made for the one place he could think he might get the latter.
After ten minutes of minor traffic infringements and several more horn blasts, he pressed the buzzer to Zak, Lark and Brody’s apartment. He hadn’t known where else to go. Maybe they’d have an idea where to start. Or perhaps they’d heard from Raven. At the very least they’d be arms and legs to help in the search and freak out.
Long seconds passed as he waited impatiently. Where the hell were they?
Just as he reached out to press the buzzer again, Zak opened the door—a scowl marring his usually calm features. Mark didn’t have the resources to spare the expression much thought right now.
“I can’t find Raven! I’ve looked—”
“He’s here,” Zak replied, cool and stern.
The relief that hit Mark as those two little words registered was a powerful thing. It almost bent him double as all the air rushed from his lungs.
“Oh thank God! Is he—”
“He’s fine.”
Zak was still scowling and Mark’s heart leapt up into his throat.
“What’s wrong? What’s happened?”
“I was just about to ask you the same thing.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Where’s Raven?” Mark moved to push past, but Zak blocked his way.
Mark fought hard against the growl that threatened to rumble up from deep inside him.
“May I come in?” he forced out instead from between clenched teeth.
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that Raven got here ten minutes ago so messed up he could hardly breathe, never mind talk. I want to know why before I decide whether or not to let you in.”
“You think I hurt him?” Irrational anger, the likes of which he had never experienced before, bubbled up inside Mark, threatening to explode right out of him and all over his friend…and boss.
“Honestly, I don’t know what to think,” Zak replied with infuriating calm.
Just as suddenly as the rage had hit, Mark felt all the blood rush from his head and make a beeline for his feet. “Oh God! Where’s Ryan? Is he alright?”
Zak’s eyes narrowed. “I saw Ryan at preschool this morning when I dropped Wolf off. He looked fine.”
A heartfelt sigh of relief escaped Mark. For a moment he thought Maria might have got to them and…well, he wasn’t sure what she was capable of. But he was damn sure it wouldn’t be good.
“What the hell is going on, Mark?” Zak demanded, frown firmly in place now.
Mark tensed. Suddenly put on the spot, he wasn’t sure what to say. “How much has Raven told you?”
“Nothing. Like I said, when he got here he couldn’t string more than three words together. He was shaking so bad I thought the poor guy was going to pass out.”
Mark ran his hands through his hair. Truth be told, he wasn’t feeling too good himself. He wasn’t sure what to tell Zak. He only knew he refused to add betraying Raven’s confidence to his list of sins. There was no way Raven would want anyone to know everything. Hell, Mark didn’t know everything. All he knew was he desperately needed to see his lover. Even if he couldn’t touch him or hold him or make everything better, he needed to make sure Raven was okay. Or as okay as he could be right now.
“Please, just let me come in. I need to see him.” Mark looked up at Zak, not too proud to beg if it got him in the door. “I’d never hurt him. You know that.”
After several tense seconds of scrutiny, Zak grumbled something about not knowing jack shit right now then stepped back to let Mark in. Trying not to think about the very real possibility that Raven might not actually want to see him, Mark followed Zak down the hall.
It wasn’t a long walk. Before Mark was entirely prepared, he was in the living room. And there he was.
Raven.
Sitting on the couch with Lark pressed up close on one side and Brody handing him a steaming cup of coffee on the other.
Suddenly Mark couldn’t move. Raven looked wonderful, simply because he was here and not halfway across the country, but at the same time he seemed so damn scared it was hard for Mark to breathe as he stared at his lover. He certainly didn’t have a clue what to say. He wanted to hug him and scold him and shake some sense into him all at the same time. Instead, he just stood in the doorway, drinking his lover in.
Raven had glanced up as they entered the room and stared back, apparently just as lost for words. Lark, on the other hand, appeared to be working his way up to pissed as he glared at Mark, while Brody looked both confused and concerned as he glanced between them.
“I think I n-need a lawyer,” Raven finally whispered.
Brody’s expression of concern intensified. “Raven, what’s going on? You’re scaring me here.”
“She’s g-going to try and t-take Ryan away from me. I n-need a lawyer. Someone that ddoesn’t lose. I c-can’t lose him to her.”
The urge to wrap Raven up in his arms, beg forgiveness and go forth to slay the dragon was so strong, Mark actually found himself taking a step forward. But there was no room to manoeuvre between Lark and Brody. And he wasn’t exactly sure how to word an apology for his assumptions, especially in front of their friends. Finally, but crucially, he had absolutely no idea how to make things better.
“Who’s trying to take Ryan away?” Brody asked, his voice rising in fear.
“My ex-w-wife. She c-caught up with me last n-night and—” Raven took a deep, shuddering breath. “Ryan is m-mine. I won c-custody and I c-can’t let her take him.”
Zak—ever the practical member of the family—settled on the edge of the adjacent couch. “So you’ve got sole legal custody of Ryan? Is that right?” Raven nodded. “Am I right in thinking that happened for a good reason?”
Again Raven nodded. “N-no one could f-find her. She r-ran out on us.”
Mark had to wonder if that was the only reason the courts had awarded Raven sole custody, but he kept his mouth firmly shut.
Zak ran his hand over his close-cropped hair as he looked around the group. “I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think there’s much she can do to take Ryan away from you if it’s a court order that you have custody.”
“I’m still w-worried.”
“Of course you are,” Lark said, wrapping an arm around Raven’s shoulder. A confusing mix of gratitude and jealousy lanced through Mark. He wanted to be the one wrapping Raven up in his arms right now. But he wasn’t sure the gesture would be welcome. The words ‘give me some room’ still echoed loud and clear to Mark as Raven refused to meet his eyes.
“I’m sorry to d-do this to you g-guys when you’re supposed to be enjoying your hhoneymoon.” Raven looked down, pale cheeks turning red.
“Nonsense,” Lark said. “I’d be pissed right off if you hadn’t come. We look after our own, right guys?”
Brody and Zak nodded their agreement.
“I just… I know you guys had that p-problem a while b-back and needed a lawyer. I thought… I thought you m-might be able to recommend someone.”
“We’ll get onto Mac straight away. He’s a kick-ass lawyer,” Lark said, looking to Zak.
“Yeah, he’s really good. He’s helped us for years.” Zak and Lark shared a look Mark couldn’t quite read. But at the moment it was the least of his concerns. “I’ll go call him now.”
As Zak left, the tension in the room ratcheted up several thousand notches. The silence settled loud and heavy over them all. Lark still eyed Mark. The fierce protectiveness coming from the normally easy-going twink making Mark even more edgy. Brody, on the other hand, appeared uncertain as he continued to look between them.
Finally, Mark couldn’t stand it anymore. He opened his mouth to ask for some time alone with Raven, but Brody beat him to it.
“Lark, maybe we should take a look at that fresh herb order. Didn’t you say you wanted to get it in to the supplier this morning?”
“It can wa—”
“I think we should do it now, Lark.”
For a moment, Mark didn’t think Lark was going to budge. His eyes, normally bright with mischief, were hard and unyielding as he looked first at Mark, then at Brody and finally at Raven. “Will you be okay?”
Raven swallowed before giving a single nod.
“All right then. We’ll be in the study if you need us,” he added, speaking directly to Raven.
Mark resisted the urge to shake his head. Not subtle, but at least they were leaving. He really needed to sort things out with Raven.
Alone.

Raven lifted the mug of coffee he suddenly discovered in his hand to his lips and took a tentative sip of the sweet, strong brew. It was a welcome distraction from having to meet Mark’s eyes.

Raven swallowed, giving himself time to think through his reply. There didn’t seem to be any point in sugar-coating it.
“I th-thought about it,” he admitted, still not ready to look at Mark. “I was d-driving around most of the night thinking about it. I was too scared to go home. And… I d-did think about just t-taking off.”
“Why didn’t you?” Mark asked, and there was a terrible note of fear and hope all mixed up together in his voice.
The answer required a deep breath before Raven could reply. “I decided you were right. I n-need to stay and fight. And I was all worked up and r-ready to. Right up until I dropped Ryan off at p-preschool this morning. Then I just… I d-don’t know. I guess I kind of lost it for a b-bit. I don’t remember getting h-here.”
“Zak said you were pretty shaky.”
“Yeah.”
The silence battered against Raven—a nervous, oppressive kind of silence that tightened muscles and made him excruciatingly aware of every ashamed inch of himself.
“It was her, wasn’t it? Maria was the one that hurt you.”
And there it was. Raven’s worst nightmare finally landing between them. As physically painful and traumatic as the years of abuse had been, the shame and humiliation of having someone know—of having
Mark
know—and lay it out bare for the world to see was almost too much to live with. It was like every cut, burn, punch, slap and scream was inflicted all over again and all at once.
“Did she ever hurt Ry—”
“No!”
Damn it!
The hits just kept on coming. He would never have let that happen. How could Mark even ask? “Never. She n-never hurt Ryan. It was always just…just m-mme.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Mark rushed to explain. “I know you’d never let her hurt Ryan, but… I don’t know…”
Raven nodded, his shoulders slumping. He didn’t know either. He’d always told himself he’d have been able to stop Maria before she hurt Ryan. That he would have got them out so fast if she’d ever even looked at Ryan the wrong way. But now, looking back, he just didn’t know. It made him want to heave up the half dozen mouthfuls of coffee he’d managed all over the carpet. The only thing that consoled him was the fact she never had.
At first he’d stayed, thinking he was doing the right thing. Babies needed their moms— God knew he wished he’d had a real one in his life. And afterwards, when the screaming and pain had died down, it was like the pressure had been released and things would be okay for a while. But gradually the okay times had got shorter and shorter, and he’d stayed because he was too scared to do anything else. He was terrified she’d get Ryan if they ever split up. Then, when it had got so bad he knew he had to do something—when he was frightened even to fall asleep at night—he’d stayed because he knew that when he did run, he needed to run so far and so perfectly she’d never find him.
When she’d taken off he couldn’t believe his luck. He’d thought things were finally turning around, going his way. He should have known it was too good to last.
Raven took several deep breaths as he remembered Maria’s latest attack. The venom that had spewed from her mouth last night sent a fresh shiver of dread down his spine.
“You’re such an idiot. You really think you’ll keep custody of Ryan? A few discreet phone calls… a tip-off or two about a child in danger from his perverted dad and sicko boyfriend… How hard do you think it’ll be? I know where you live. I know where you work and who your friends are. I know where he goes to preschool…”
Oh God!
He really was going to be sick.
“I thought it was your folks,” Mark said, drawing Raven back from the edge of panic.
Raven concentrated on letting the words fill his head, driving out Maria’s whispered threats and vile taunts. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth a few times before he let himself answer.
“They weren’t violent. My parents. They just… They d-didn’t care. Maria…” Raven closed his eyes. Even saying her name required another set of deep breaths before he could continue. “She was the first p-person that ever showed any interest in me. And I…f-fell for it.”
“Where did you meet her?”
“C-college. She was p-part of the arts dep-partment.
“One of your teachers?”
Mark sounded shocked. Raven didn’t see why that little titbit should be so shocking— not considering everything else Mark knew, or at least suspected, about his relationship with Maria. It wasn’t like he’d been under-age or anything.
“It w-wasn’t like that.”
Mark just looked at him, and Raven had to duck his head in shame. Yeah, he’d been an idiot.
“She knew you were vulnerable.”
Raven shrugged. Why did vulnerable and eunuch sound like synonyms to him right now?
“I guess.”
“I’m sorry, Raven,” Mark said. “I just… I never thought—”
“No one ever d-does. No one understands how it’s p-possible. They look at her and how small she is and p-pretty and… She’s not, you know. When she d-drinks and…she’s not p-pretty.”
He sensed more than saw Mark start to move towards him, but right now having anyone touch him was the last thing he could handle. Without thinking he shot up off the couch and hurried around it. Mark didn’t comment or follow, thankfully. Raven craved space and room to move and run if he had to. It was illogical and as real as the soft leather he crushed beneath his fingers as he clung to the back of the couch.
Mark cleared his throat. “How… I mean…”
Raven wasn’t sure Mark really wanted to know. Or even knew what he was asking. To be honest, he sounded just as confused and messed up as Raven felt right now.
Without meaning to, the words started tumbling out of his mouth—a torrent he’d kept dammed up inside for so long it was impossible to stop once he started to release it. “You know the…the b-burn on my back. You know how I got that? Because I was slow. I d-didn’t run every day back then like I do now. I… I d-didn’t get out of the way f-fast enough. She threw a p-pot of boiling water at me and… I tried to get out of the way, but…it c-clipped me on the way through. I left my b-boots on when I came inside…I t-tracked in a mess. I remember…she was screaming, ‘It’s not c-clean if you don’t use hot w-water.’ It was bboiling on the stove and she th-threw it at me. It was an—”
Raven cut himself off. He’d almost said it was an accident. When was he ever going to stop that? It hadn’t been an accident. It was never an accident, but he’d explained so many things away as clumsiness or mistakes or a minor mishap that it was almost as if it had soaked into his pores and become the truth.
“You should have told me,” Mark whispered, breaking Raven’s wildly ricocheting thoughts as they bounced around in his head. “You should have said…something.”
Raven laughed—a harsh, brittle burst of sound that scraped against the senses like nails on a chalk board. There was an odd sense of satisfaction when Mark flinched. “Yeah. That would have gone over real w-well. Oh and hey, just so you know, my ex-w-wife regularly bbeat the crap out of m-me. Yeah, real believable and all m-manly too! Great!”
“Raven—”
Shit!
He hadn’t meant to be so caustic. He was just so…so…
“Just…I n-need…”
Oh God, he needed to run. He couldn’t be around Mark right now. Something dark and angry was trying to punch its way out of him. He needed to run it off. Then he needed to prove to himself and everyone else he could handle things—that he wasn’t the same doormat he’d been for so many years.
“Let me help you.”
“No. I c-can do this.”
“But I can—”
“No! I n-need to be in control of this. Not y-you. I wanted to run and I almost did, but…but then I r-realised I need to stop. I need to stand up for myself. And…I n-need to do this on my own.”
“No you don’t.” Mark took a step towards the couch and Raven tensed. Mark must have noticed because he stopped. “Let me help you.”
Raven’s skin felt tight and irritating as he struggled to get Mark to understand. It wasn’t easy when he was still working through it all in his own head. “You c-can’t fix this.”
“Don’t push me away.”
“Don’t make me!”
Mark looked shocked, and Raven had to admit he was a little stunned by the loud outburst himself. But he refused to back down. He was serious and Mark needed to back the hell off.
“I only want to help,” Mark said in the quiet, calm voice one might use to placate a madman.
“Then wait for m-me to ask.”
“Stop being so stubborn. You’ll end up getting hurt again.”
Raven felt like Mark had slapped him in the face. The same stinging shock and burning pain rushed over him and ignited the anger he’d tried so hard to hold back.
“Screw you!” Raven spat, a fire bursting to life deep inside him.
“Raven! I didn’t—”
Raven held up a hand and spun away. He paced to the window and back again. Fortunately, Mark finally had the good sense to shut the hell up.
It took a few seconds before Raven felt calm enough to speak, but when he did he made sure to look Mark right in the eye. “Don’t m-make me the victim to your h-hero.”
“What?”
It was Mark’s turn to look like he’d been bitch-slapped. Raven couldn’t find a whole lot of remorse in that moment.
“That’s not what… I mean, I’m not.”
“Aren’t you?”
“No! I just want to help.”
“No, you w-want to play hero.” Mark was shaking his head and opened his mouth to say something, but Raven cut him off. “Stop trying to control this. You c-can’t just fix it. It’s not yours to f-fix!”
“I’m not tr—”
“Yes. You are. You said it yourself. You don’t w-want me to be like everyone else. You w-want me like this.” Raven gestured to himself with a derisive flick of his hand. It was all so clear suddenly—almost as clear as the incandescent rage burning him right up.
“That’s not what…I meant—” Mark stammered.
“You w-want me to be the w-walking w-wounded because then you get to be the big m-man and rush to the r-rescue!” Rage overshadowed reason and threatened to swallow him whole. He needed to get the hell out.
“Raven!”
“Just leave me alone!”