How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure (3 page)

say that when they are able to satisfy and fulfill their partner Remember, there is no one window of opportunity for learning sexually, they feel better about themselves, more confident and about sex. As we know, urban myths can carry the weight of the energized in other areas of their lives.

truth, yet like all myths, they shrink under direct scrutiny. The In the same way that you plan ahead for your Saturday golf game, ultimate focus and goal of both the men’s seminar and this book is to you need to plan for intercourse. In the beginning of a relationship, find and access your sexual soul. To give you the ideas, attitudes, didn’t you make more of an effort to seduce her? Well, don’t forget and information that others say have worked for them so that as a this once you’ve been together for a while. No matter what your age lover, you can create a wondrous, playful, mutually enjoyable sexual or the status of your relationship, you still need to think ahead and relationship with the woman you love.

make a commitment to your intimacy: Like your chip shot, your sexual relationship needs practice and concentration. I would bet that you have a longterm plan for your investments. How you take care of your money now affects its performance in the future. The same is true with your relationship: How you invest in your sexual relationship now pays off in the future. So you need to have a plan for your relationship as well. And believe me, you’ll see very real returns.

If you’ve never put into words how sex connects you with her, let your partner know. Don’t assume she knows exactly how you feel about the sex, intimacy, and connection. As one seminar attendee said, “I just assumed my wife knew how she turned me on. But after sex one time, she finally exploded and told me that she felt like all I wanted to do was f— her, and that I didn’t love her. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I guess I thought she knew I loved her.

Boy, was I wrong.”

best and give your children information that prepares them for life,
TWO

and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and sex are a part of life.

You may want to consider two new statistics: first, that the average

⎯⎯⎯ ● ⎯⎯⎯

age of those newly infected by HIV has dropped from twenty-six to twenty; and second, that one in five people living with HIV were S a f e S e n s u a l i t y :

infected as teenagers.

What I have assembled in this chapter is the most up-to-date and K e e p i n g Y o u a n d

accurate information regarding precautions and risk factors in having sex. It is crucial that you know what diseases are out there, what the figures are, and what you can and should do to prevent contraction. I Y o u r L a d y P r o t e c t e d

understand that reminding you of the dangers may temporarily mute your sexual desire, but I trust you’ll thank me later. Better your desire be extinguished for a few moments than have your sex life in the long term or even your life extinguished because of ignorance.

SECRET FROM LOU’S ARCHIVES

According to a recent study of Seattle teenagers, 80 percent of eighteen-year-old girls and 90 percent of eighteen-year-old boys Knowledge I s Power

were already sexually active. Sixty percent of those sexually active youths had had five or more partners. (Dr. Penelope Safe sex doesn’t have to mean boring sex. On the contrary, I like to Hitchcock, Chief of Sexually Transmitted Diseases Bureau of the think of it as a challenge to be creative. It’s also a call for you to be National Institutes of Health)

considerate not only of your partner’s comfort and protection but of your own as well. Bringing the subject of safety into your In this day and age, safety is essential. It would be irresponsible relationship can be a way of saying, “I care about you, I care about of me to offer advice on sexual interaction without discussing safety us.” Furthermore, feeling protected, comfortable, and well taken care first. To begin with, you may be surprised to know that as a man you of is a crucial foundation for having great sex.

are typically at less risk than your lady for contracting a sexually I realize this information is mainly needed by those people who transmitted disease. Why is your lady at greater risk? It is partly a are single and/or with new partners. However, before married people square-footage issue. Women have more mucosal tissue in the or those in longterm, committed relationships ignore this chapter, let vaginal barrel than men do in the urethra of their penis. A second me remind you that with the divorce rate being what it is, we should reason is that since women are typically the receptive partner during all be careful and forewarned—to some degree, even the most sex, and your body fluids are left inside her, she is more vulnerable married among us experience some serial monogamy. For those of to infection. The tissue most at risk during sexual encounters is the you who are parents, these facts are just as crucial. You may not highly vascularized mucosal tissue of the vulva and vaginal barrel want to scare your children, but you do want to do what parents do (for men this tissue is in the urethra) because it is easily abraded during sex. The corollary for women being more at risk is the need
SECRET FROM LOU’S ARCHIVES

for men to take on greater responsibility to keep both of you safe. I There is no absolutely “safe” period for sexual intercourse insofar know of a man who, upon entering a relationship, struggled with as conception is concerned. Mother Nature is no fool in this telling his new love about having herpes. Although she wasn’t regard. When a woman is highly sexually stimulated, she can thrilled with his news, she very much appreciated his being honest ovulate out of cycle.

and straightforward. She said it actually brought them closer. He was scrupulous about his hygiene and vigilant about any possible outbreaks. He also insisted on using condoms even when his lesions It wasn’t too long ago that the term “safer sex” referred strictly to were inactive, and he avoided intercourse when they were.

being kept safe from an unwanted pregnancy. And yet there is still Meanwhile, he took suppressive antiviral therapy to reduce misunderstanding in this area. As a forty-nine-year-old Episcopalian asymptomatic shedding. They’ve been together for six years and she minister said, “Oh Lord, we used the rhythm method, and after our has never developed herpes.

third unintended pregnancy, my wife and I thought we couldn’t Now, before you think you don’t have to worry about getting count.” But after all this time, in which many different forms of birth infected, think again. Ever gamble on low odds and won? From what control have become available, unwanted pregnancies are still highly I’ve observed in my seminars and other research, I’ve come to prevalent in this country. What this tells us is that despite the realize that many men assume that they are practicing safer sex when information and products available for birth control, we as a culture they (or their partners) use birth control. Safer sex is not merely are still behaving irresponsibly. Is there any excuse for this neglect?

about precautions against unwanted pregnancy. You must realize not In today’s lexicon, “safer sex” is often associated with HIV and only that it is, in part, your responsibility to use protection against AIDS. There is no question that AIDS (acquired immune deficiency pregnancy, but also that you are still at risk of becoming infected by syndrome) deserves every hit of the attention it has received. This an STD. Men as well as women can very often be asymptomatic of disease not only kills, but often strips people of all their hope, disease. In other words, you may not show any physical symptoms of dignity, and quality of life. Happily, several advances have been being infected by a number of sexually transmitted diseases, but you made in medicine that allow persons infected with HIV to live longer can suffer longterm damage and can unknowingly pass on infection.

and healthier lives. However, since positive response to treatment is This is especially true of chlamydia, human papilloma virus (HPV), not a guarantee, prevention is a lot more effective.

and herpes (see below for more specific information on these and That said, even if you are not in a high-risk group for HIV or other diseases). So feeling well and not noticing a problem with your AIDS, you may still be susceptible to infection. I asked Dr. Eric penis does not mean that you do not have a dangerous STD. Also be Daar, an immune disorders and AIDS specialist at Cedars-Sinai in aware that the older you are, the greater the likelihood you are with a Los Angeles, about men being infected with HIV by women, and he partner with a sexual history, and chances are people will “adjust”

said, “I am currently treating a young man whose only risk factor the details of their sexual history. So please be cautious and take the was unprotected sex with a woman.” The woman his patient slept necessary preventive measures.

with was not a prostitute. Dr. Daar then went on to discuss the thousands of women unwittingly infecting men in Africa and Asia, where HIV infection and AIDS exist mainly in the heterosexual, not homosexual, population.

T he Numbers

Transmission

The sheer number of men and women who have or have had one or STDs can be spread through vaginal, oral, and anal sex. Some can more sexually transmitted diseases is quite astounding. One in every also be spread through any contact between the penis and vulvar fifteen Americans will contract a sexually transmitted disease this area, mouth, and/or anus. Sexually transmitted diseases can be year, and one in four Americans already has one. I cannot stress spread from man to woman, woman to man, man to man, and woman enough the importance of knowing whom you are sleeping with.

to woman. Several STDs can be spread from mother to child at birth As I mentioned, many STDs have no obvious symptoms. For

or through breast milk. And, as you are probably already aware, women, often the only time they become aware of an infection is sharing needles can spread STDs, including HIV.

when they take steps to start a family, and by then, the damage has There is really only one way to be 100 percent sure you don’t get already been done: A sleeping STD has robbed them of their ability a sexually transmitted disease: remain abstinent. But I think most of to conceive a child. (Admittedly, sometimes the damage can be us (I’m including both men and women here) would feel a bit addressed and a woman can get pregnant through reproductive constrained if we gave up sex. The next less risky way to be sexual is technologies, such as in vitro.)

to use your hands. Don’t shrug off the fun you can have with your (or her) hands. You might be very surprised and eager to explore this
SECRET FROM LOU’S ARCHIVES

territory of sexual delight. Make sure that your hands have no open The number one cause of male sterility is the silent STD

wounds, abrasions, or cracked skin. Herpes and HPV, however, can chlamydia. However, there is no good data on it, says Dr.

be transmitted from genitals to hands (see below for more specific Penelope Hitchcock.

information on herpes and HPV). If you or your partner have either of these two viruses, you can protect yourselves by using latex Unfortunately, the lack of knowledge about a disease does not gloves.

It’s also true that genital-to-genital contact

prohibit one from passing it on to somebody else, and this lack of
without
intercourse

can transmit some STDs, such as herpes and syphilitic lesions. The awareness can go both ways. Men, too, can be asymptomatic of an infection and pass it along to their partners. Therefore, it is as much same is true during foreplay, in which any genital contact at all without condoms can be a problem. However, sometimes herpes is your responsibility to get tested as it is your partners’. If you have not restricted to the genitals and can manifest at the end of a nerve sex with someone who is carrying a sexually transmitted disease, you can get it, too. No one is immune from acquiring a sexually ganglion on the thigh or buttocks. Meeting that gorgeous stranger on the plane and inviting her for a few adult beverages, which you then transmitted disease. Your age, race, ethnicity, or socioeconomic follow with falling into the hotel bed, arms and legs in heated status will not protect you. The best agent of protection is yourself, so it’s up to you to know the information, to be aware and disarray, may not be the smartest move in this day and age. Instead, should you find yourself lusting after someone you just met, and considerate, and to take the time to ensure the safety of both of you.

both of you don’t want to stop the inevitable, take a moment to talk about safer sex. I promise you, she will be grateful, and if not, you should be grateful you took care of you.

Responsible adults talk about sex beforehand. And after

exchanging information with your new lover, use a condom. Until you’ve both tested negative for all sexually transmitted diseases and more information about these and other sexually transmitted waited the appropriate incubation period to ensure a clean bill of diseases, you can call the National STD Hotline at 800-227-8922

health (without engaging in any risk behaviors in the meantime), you (see end of this chapter for further resources).

should continue to use condoms every single time you engage in vaginal, oral, or anal sex. As I am sure you’re aware, condoms are
CHLAMYDIA

available everywhere, in all sizes, styles, colors, and textures (there Chlamydia is caused by a bacterium that is also a parasite, meaning it is a bounty of information on condoms at the end of this chapter).

needs other cells to exist and survive. It is often called the silent STD

For those of you roving males, you may not want to hear this, and because there are usually no symptoms until the disease is in an I apologize in advance for sounding like your mother, but you can advanced state. Men’s symptoms include burning during urination, also reduce the risk of contracting an STD by limiting your number due to infection in the urethra, and epididymitis, inflammation and of sexual partners. The facts are plain: You are more likely to get a swelling of the epididymis on the testicles. By the late 1980s sexually transmitted disease if either of you has more than one chlamydia had become the most common sexually transmitted partner at a time or if either of you has had a lot of previous partners.