How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure (2 page)

care about. Based on my seminars and research, I would say only 20

Jactitation refers to those who become aroused or derive pleasure to 25 percent of women swallow, and although many women try anal from bragging about their sexual exploits. (
The Encyclopedia of
sex at least once, most say it’s too painful to be enjoyable.

Unusual Sex Practices
.)

In addition, I know of several people (a couple of men and one woman) who wrote for Larry Flynt publications’ “personal don’t work. Remember, these are actors—professionals—who are experience” columns. They admitted that the published scenarios are working on choreographed sets with props, editing, voice-overs, and completely made up. When I asked one gentleman, he said, “Lou, it special lighting, which all combine to create an unreal environment.

was great fun writing those columns. I had a great time!” Yet in If a fantasy story of one man making love with two women is a turn-response to my question about how much of the information was on for you (and perhaps your partner as well), things may get a bit truthful, he said, “Not a word.” The same writer also wrote a first-more complicated when such a scenario is ‘tested’ in real life. Real person column on how to seduce and have sex with women in feelings are at stake, and no matter how open one or both of you may different countries. He went into great detail on the clubs, bars, and be in terms of your fantasies, you may end up getting hurt, the lounges where one could get the best action across Europe. A minor intimacy and trust between you and your partner forever severed. I overlooked fact, however, was that this gentleman had never been asked a

out of the United States in his life. You got it: He made it all up.

television talk show host what he felt was the basis for porn, and Another source of misinformation about sex comes from that he said, “Minimal plot ideas with the aim to get the clothes off as eponymous group called the “guys.” In the seminars, men will often share the “helpful” information of friends. What they soon realize is that their friends don’t know any more than they do; they just act like Sex as Per formance

they do. As a rule, and many of you have probably already figured this out by now, the biggest talkers are usually the least informed.

An indirect consequence of the problem with pornography is its These are the locker-room braggarts who exaggerate in quantity and dangerous reinforcement of sex as some kind of performance. Men exploit the quality. As one man I know recalls, “This dude had eight look at the taut, muscular, never-aging bodies on-screen or in high-guys listening to him brag about doing this married babe six times in gloss print and automatically compare (and contrast) themselves.

one afternoon. Even though we knew he was full of sh—, we all Although I know some of you can easily stand up to such scrutiny, I were standing around like maybe some of that would fall off on us.”

know even the most confident men may feel a bit put-off by the hard Sound familiar?

bodies displayed on-screen or in magazines. (The media do the same Another gentleman I know stopped his twenty-three-year-old brainwashing on women when they use prepubescent women to nephew’s manly adventure story during the family picnic. When the model and when they airbrush and retouch advertisements.) No nephew said, “Yeah, I did her eight times last night,” the uncle said, wonder you guys associate sex with pressure! The media are

“Okay, drop trou. Let’s see it—that will be the proof. You should be constantly reminding you to compare yourselves to the alpha males so sore today you can’t pee.” As you can imagine, the nephew did in magazines. I understand that most males have the basic trait of not drop trou, but he did quickly drop the subject.

competitiveness, but for industry to manipulate this trait and use it to sell magazines or movies is just plain Machiavellian. Isn’t this merely an exploitative business tactic of knowingly feeding the other
SECRET FROM LOU’S ARCHIVES

side false information to gain competitive advantage? Best said, it is Women want variety but not necessarily performance; they aren’t beyond unkind to force you to compare yourselves to false machines with off/on buttons and they don’t come with

measurements and information.

manuals—although this book is, we hope, the next best thing.

Finally, pornography ignores half the population. The porn
SECRET FROM LOU’S ARCHIVES

producers are there to make money—plain and simple. Until the Always tell a woman what works, not what doesn’t. Emphasize bottom line is negatively affected by marketing only to men, these the positive and she’ll listen.

publishers and producers will keep churning out what customers seem to want. Why consider what women want if they don’t have to?

Isn’t a woman who really lets go and gets into sex a complete That said, there are a few producers who keep the female market in turn-on for you? Well, the same goes for women. Women don’t want mind. One of these more female-friendly producers is Femme you to perform in bed. Nor do they necessarily care how many times Productions, headed by Candida Royale.
The Wise Woman’s Guide
you can “do it” in one night. Rather, they want you to enjoy being
to Erotic Videos
, by Angela Cohen and Sarah Gardner Fox, is an with them.

excellent reference guide.

If you are completely present, focused on her, and into what you’re doing, a woman will not only feel cared for, she will also begin to unleash her sexual energy. As one seminar attendee told me, Openmirrors.com

“The most satisfying sex happens in one long, slow lovemaking constantly interrupt her while she is speaking, she will know you’re session.”

not listening. Then she will withdraw, and where will that get either of you?

There are ways to communicate that you are listening to her: The Communication Conundrum

direct eye contact, touching her, and even a gentle nod of the head. If your eyes are darting all over the place, chances are you’re not really We’ve all heard it over and over again: Men and women

paying attention, and chances are for sure that she knows you are communicate differently. The king of communication between the distracted. And as I said above, when a woman doesn’t feel heard, sexes, John Gray, goes so far as saying that men access love through she will withdraw, both emotionally and physically, or find someone sex, while women access sex through love or feelings. If you ascribe else who will listen. This is not a threat, just a fact. It is extremely to this theory, it’s no wonder that men and women often find they’re important to women that they feel heard. One of their biggest not speaking the same language. Haven’t you ever felt that you and complaints is that they aren’t.

the woman in your life are speaking similar but not identical dialects, In the sexual arena, some gender differences in communicating requiring a translator?

have concrete effects or consequences. On the one hand, women I won’t bore you with an involved sociological study here, but want you to know what pleases them sexually; on the other hand, suffice it to say that since boys and girls are socialized differently, they are often reluctant to share this information with you in a direct based in general on their biology and then later reinforced by societal way. Though women may talk among themselves about sex, many gender roles, they tend to communicate differently, in almost tend to shy away from talking directly to men about sex. This opposingways. As a result, in order to communicate successfully—

contrast points not only to a built-in communication challenge but whether the subject is sex or dinner—I think it’s important for men also to these differences between men and women.

(and women) to acknowledge the differences between them. For From my work in the seminars, I’ve narrowed down the four instance, when a woman doesn’t feel she’s been heard, she will main reasons women hesitate to share what we want with our withdraw—both emotionally and physically. She may be reacting to partners.

you. As one woman said, “I fell in love with my husband when I discovered he absolutely listened. I couldn’t believe it when days 1. If we say what we want, we will be judged either as sleazy later he would consistently repeat what I had said, and understood or as sexual traffic cops.

where I was coming from—amazing.”

2. We don’t know what to say or how to say it. A graphic Women respond best to the more self-confident and self-assured designer from Miami said, “I’d love to tell him, I just don’t men, and those are men who listen. If a woman comes to you with a know how. I know the sensation, but it’s hard to describe question, worry, concern, problem, or simple story from her life, she exactly what he’s doing to me.”

may not be asking for your advice. Ask her up front if she wants you 3. We are concerned that men will feel criticized and hear our to just listen or, if she does want advice, listen first and then give suggestions as a message that they aren’t good lovers.

advice. Often she quite simply wants to be heard, and your listening 4. We are worried that men don’t really listen. One woman means that you care. However, as a man, you may respond by said, “Even if I tell him what I like, he doesn’t listen. He just wanting to “fix” her problem. Providing a solution isn’t what she keeps doing the same thing.”

wants, and she may think you’re being condescending. And if you The reason some women won’t tell you what they want or how to super, super aware. You have to forget about getting your rocks off do it is related to one of those old stereotypes, which still has and, instead, tune into her. The directions are right there for what she lingering power on female psyches. Most women, especially those wants—you just have to pay total attention to what and how she who are single, often still want to be thought of as “nice girls,” and reacts. She’s like a schematic and you just need to adjust your don’t want to risk being perceived as having slept around. They are hardwiring.” With that in mind, I have put together a list of typical afraid that men will hear any kind of “I like it this way” as an differences between men and women that you might want to keep in indication of what worked with “another guy.” If they risk mind as you prepare yourself to become an expert lover. These, of introducing this information, they fear that their partner may feel course, are generalizations, and are not true for all men and women, alienated or angry.

but as a rule, they may be helpful.

By being aware that women are hesitant to tell you their likes and dislikes, you can make the task of finding out what your partner ¾ Women fall in love between their ears and men through their wants simpler and easier (and far more pleasurable) for both of you eyes.

if you tell her that you want to know. You need to encourage her to ¾ Men often enjoy a fast rush to sex. Women prefer a slow feel free to tell you, even show you at times, the way she wants to be buildup.

touched, kissed, or licked, perhaps. By opening this front door of ¾ Men are goal-oriented, tending to head for the charge of communication, you immediately establish a potent force for her orgasm. Women love the route getting there, meandering

relaxation.

and taking their time.

Also, gentlemen, please be aware of how you deliver information.

¾ Most men absolutely love getting a wet, slippery tongue kiss If you and your partner are comfortable with the term “pussy” and its in the ear, but most women abhor this. As one woman put it, various derivations, by all means use it. But know that if a woman is

“I feel my head is in a washing machine.”

uncomfortable with the way you may describe any piece of her ¾ Women respond to gentle, light touching. Men respond to anatomy, chances are she will be turned off, not turned on. My deeper pressure.

suggestion here is to start with the most politically correct terms and ¾ Women usually know when they are going to have sex,

go from there. You may want to ask her what she prefers to call her whereas men can be surprised. Women usually make up

body parts, in conversation and in passion, and then adjust their minds based on how they’ve been treated. And often accordingly. Let her set the level of frankness. In other words, she the thing that tips the tables isn’t anything you are aware of.

may enjoy and get excited by using “dirty” words.

However, to put the odds more in your favor, we have

After being with the same lover for a long time, you can written this book. The more you know, the better prepared anticipate what she wants as well as surprise and explore with her, you will be.

but if you’re wondering how to please your lover consistently, then ¾ Men tend to be visual creatures, coming alive at the mere you need to communicate. There’s just no way around it.

sight of a bare breast. Women are more aural and tactile.

The importance of communication cannot be underestimated.

They need to hear and to feel a man in order to get excited.

Indeed, when you are conscious and aware of how you are

interacting with her and how she is interacting with you, then all the other elements of sex will fall into place. As one male seminar attendee commented, “When you are with a woman, you have to be T he Gol den Parachute

As you read through this book, I would like you to remember that I am sharing what I have learned and gleaned from the thousands of Like any kind of project or endeavor, the more you put into sex, the men and women I have encountered in my sexuality seminars. It more you and your lover will get out of it. Those men who say they goes without saying that all of these people attend the seminars in the have strong, wonderful, passionate love lives are those that approach spirit of mutual respect and wanting to learn how to be a great lover.

sex with the same determination and gusto as they do their other And being a great lover is 20 percent technique and 80 percent goals, whether those goals are about their careers, artistic pursuits, openness, willingness, enthusiasm, and communication. That said, I humanitarian endeavors, or athletic interests. The consistent factor is want to thank you for being here. As I say to the men who walk focus. An oil executive from Arizona said, “When my sexual through the door, sit down at an oval table among ten or so other relationship and personal life are working well, I feel invincible in men to hear about the techniques to best please ladies, it takes business. There is a direct correlation between being happy at home courage just to show up. But what you are about to receive may very and being a success in my career.” Again and again I’ve heard men well change your sex life forever.