Faith (My Misery Muse) (13 page)

“So you staying tonight?”

“No, I don’t have her stuff here, and I need
to get some work done tomorrow before the meeting with the
lawyer.”

“You want me to go with you to the
lawyer?”

“No, that’s okay.”

I sighed. “Mags, you don’t have to do this on
your own.”

“Yea I do, she’s my daughter.”

“She would be mine as well if you would just
let this work.”

“I can’t Drake. I just can’t, and you are
pushing too hard too fast.”

“Fine,” I bit out, “do whatever the fuck you
want, I am done trying to convince you.”

“Drake…”

“What, Mags? What do you want from me? A
proposal because I would marry you in a fucking minute, I would be
her dad, her real dad; a dad is not a sperm donor.”

“You don’t mean that, you can’t you’re not
even her biologi—”

“Fucking some girl and getting her knocked up
does not make you a father, Mags. Trust me I know, I had a sperm
donor, not a father. Seth is a father, he’s there he takes care of
them and more than financially, he teaches his kids, hugs them,
kisses them, plays with them. He’s a father and that’s what I would
be for her, don’t you see that?”

“Drake, don’t make this harder.”

“Mags, life is fucking hard; I thought you
were stronger than this, though.”

“Fuck you, Drake; you don’t know what you’re
talking about.”

“Don’t I? You’re running away again.”

“No, I am being a responsible parent; I
cannot let her get attached to you for you to split later. I need
to know that this will work first.”

“Oh for fuck's sake, Mags, I wouldn’t do that
to her or you.”

“How do you know that? Something could happen
and you just poof one day.”

“That’s how life works, you never know what
tomorrow will bring, you live for the moments you have and let what
happens, happen, honey, you can’t control the what ifs.”

“I won’t do it to her, Drake.”

“You know what, do what you want, Mags; I’m
done.” I handed her the baby and got up.

I walked into the kitchen; Sam was standing
there with a look of pity and what seemed to be understanding in
his eyes. “Can you make sure they get home?”

“Don’t do anything stupid, Drake.”

“I’m not; just I need to get out of
here.”

With that, I grabbed my keys and cellphone
and headed out to my truck.

“Hey, you busy?”

“Nope, why?”

“Mind if I come over?”

“Nope, see you soon.”

I hung up and started my truck, I looked back
at my house, inside was everything I wanted and what I wouldn’t
get. I slammed my fist against the steering wheel until it bled.
“FUCK,” I yelled then drove away, I had to get away from here
before I went back in and we restarted the whole argument all over.
I don’t think I could feel my heartbreak more than once today.

Chapter 23

Mags

I woke up to someone pounding on my front
door. What the hell? I looked over at the clock it was five-twenty
three am. Who the hell would come over that early and try to beat
my door down; I groaned, Drake would.

I stumbled through the house trying to get
the door before Quinn was woken up or the police called.

“What the hell do you want, Drake?” I said
while opening the door, only it wasn’t Drake.

“Get your shit together and let's go, Mags,”
growled X.

“What, what are you talking about?”

“Is the baby's bag packed?” he asked while
going through Quinn’s diaper bag. “Where’s her car seat, probably
be better to take your car, we don’t have time to get her base in
my car,” he rambled while getting the car seat out and on the
couch. “I’ll go get her, Ash is at Devi’s with Cait and Jaks after
we get there, I’ll drop you off then bring Quinn to Devi and
Seth’s. Now come on, Mags get your ass together and let's go,” he
barked.

“What the fuck is going on, X?”

He finally stopped and looked at me and then
paled. “You don’t know?” he whispered.

“I don’t know what?” I nearly yelled.

“Jesus, Devi called and Seth and everyone
called and left you messages. Haven’t you answered your damn
phone?”

“No, Devi called like five times in a row
followed by Seth, I just figured she wanted to yell at me about
Drake so I turned it off.”

“Oh my god, you’re a fucking bitch, Mags.
Your best friend fucking needs you and you think it’s about you and
your drama,” he yelled.

“Whoa, what the hell, X?”

He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, sorry been
a rough fucking night,” he said. “Drake was in a car accident.”

I would have fallen to the floor if he hadn’t
caught me. “What do you mean?”

“He left my place and some fucking drunk
driver ran a red light,” he gritted out.

“Is he okay?”

“No Mags he’s not, it, uhm…” he had to stop
and clear his throat. “It's, uhm, not good, honey. He, uh, they
don’t think he will, uh damn this fucking hurts, they don’t think
he will make it,” he finally sobbed out.

“NO!” I screamed, and he wrapped his arms
around me whispering nonsense until I could breathe again.

“Mags. Mags, you can’t fall apart right now,
okay, just give me twenty minutes and you can, but you have to get
some clothes on, and I have to get Quinn, okay?” he asked
quietly.

I nodded and stepped out of his arms and then
went on autopilot to get dressed while X put Quinn in her car seat.
He carried both her and the bags out to my car and waited for me to
hand him the keys.

I got into the car robotically; we headed to
the hospital and Drake.

Xavier dropped me off at the hospital and
told me where to go then drove off taking Quinn with him. I took a
deep breath and headed inside. The doors swished open and the smell
of industrial cleaners, antiseptic, and sickness came at me causing
my stomach to turn. No, I had to keep it together I couldn’t lose
it now; I needed to get information and to check on Devi, then I
could crack.

After tracking down nurses and some other
people, I finally made my way to the waiting room everyone was in,
I took a deep breath and walked in the room. Sam and Eli were
sitting in chairs whispering with their heads close and when I
walked in, they stopped looked up at me. Sam glared at me then went
back to talking to Eli. I looked around the room and found Devi
curled up in Seth’s lap with a death grip on his T-shirt
crying.

I walked towards them and she looked up at
me, her eyes were empty, it was like Devi was missing and I
couldn’t stop the tears from coming any longer. She looked so small
and broken, and I had no idea how to help her. She buried her face
back in his chest and if possible tucked him in even tighter to
herself. Seth looked at me and I could see the pain there, he tried
to give me a smile, but it was more like a grimace; he started
rubbing Devi’s back murmuring into her ear.

“He’s in surgery,” Eli informed me.

“Uhm, what happened?” I asked not knowing
where I fit into this anymore.

“He was T-boned by another truck that ran a
red light. He, uhm, they had to…” he stopped and took a deep
breath, “they had to restart his heart, the EMTs did, when they
showed up. They’re not exactly sure how long he was uhm, well yea
anyway, when they got there so we don’t know if…” he trailed
off.

“They’re not sure how much damage was done to
his brain,” finished Sam.

“Okay, what else?” I whispered, tears
streaking down my face.

“A lot of internal damage, some broken bones,
and uhm, his spine had some damage. They aren’t sure how much yet,”
Sam answered.

I nodded holding the back of a chair so I
didn’t collapse; the sob I was holding back finally freed
itself.

“He’s in surgery now to repair the internal
bleeding, and try to uhm, save his leg.”

“His leg?” I asked numbly not really hearing
anything anymore but the blood roaring in my ears.

“Yea it was uhm crushed on impact, they
aren’t sure yet.”

“Anything else I need to know?”

“His heart stopped once in the ER after they
got him to the hospital, uhm, it’s really not looking good, Mags”
finished Sam quietly and Devi whimpered.

I sat down hard in the chair beside Seth. I
couldn’t believe this; I could lose him. I didn’t want to lose him.
God, I didn’t want to lose that man, he pissed me off like no one
else, but he was, he was the man I loved. Fuck, I am stupid.

Seth

I sat in the uncomfortable chair holding my
wife and watching her heart break, and there was nothing I could do
to stop it. I never wanted to see her like this, ever, she was
empty, and I knew she couldn’t handle much more. When I saw Mags
walk in the door I was instantly both pissed off and pitied her.
She hurt my brother, repeatedly, we had all heard about what
happened after we left his house today, and how he was with X
afterwards. I wanted to hate her for that, but I couldn’t; I knew
she was scared and that was what made her say what she did. I
pulled my girl closer and held her tighter. I told her over and
over that her brother was strong, that he wouldn’t leave us without
a fight, that he loved her but I don’t think she really ever heard
me. I didn’t know what else to do for her but hold her close, and
show her she wasn’t alone and that I loved her. We all waited
quietly for any kind of news the only sound was the occasional
sniffle and whimpering from Dev. I brushed some tears from my own
cheeks off and tried not to give up hope.

I don’t know how long we sat there waiting
for news that could destroy the world we knew, or to give us hope
that it hadn’t shattered. X came in at some point and sat on the
other side of me occasionally reaching over and rubbing Devi’s back
or whispering something to her. And we waited for our lives to
change. I thought about what I would have to say to my son, hoping
that I wasn’t ending his innocence. I thought about my daughter;
how she could lose a piece of her childhood, a piece of her family
before she’s ever had the chance to live. I thought of my beautiful
wife and how I didn’t know if she or I could put the pieces back
together. And we waited for an eternity, to learn if our brother,
our lover, our friend would be coming home to us.

Chapter 24

Mags

We all sat there in the eerie silence, lost
in our own thoughts and emotions; none of us knew what to do or say
to make this better. No one able to lighten the mood by telling a
stupid joke or pissing Devi off for fun, there was just nothing.
There was waiting, there was hoping, there were deals to be made
with whatever deity was listening, and there was nothing.

I knew everyone now knew what had happened
between Drake and me earlier. Everyone knew that I blew him off
again, that I told him no again. I would have to live with that. I
would have to live with knowing that I had caused this, that if I
had just told him how I felt, that if I had just tried to listen to
him, that maybe things would be different right now, that I would
be lying in his arms right now. Every other person in this room
knew I loved Drake Matthew Porter before I had, every one of them
knew that he loved me, and everyone knew that I had thrown that in
his face hours ago.

I couldn’t look at Devi, I couldn’t see the
emptiness there I had caused. The gut wrenching sadness on Seth and
Xavier’s face turned my stomach, Sam wouldn’t look in my direction,
and poor Eli was in the process of telling Drake’s parents what had
happened. I wasn’t sure what they would do or say about it, they
hadn’t talked to him in years, hadn’t wanted anything to do with
him or Devi, so what would they do now? Show up and acting as the
doting parents, or would they do what they normally do,
nothing.

Eli hung up the phone looked at Seth and
shook his head. Seth shrugged his shoulders and pulled Devi closer
to him not letting an inch of her go.

“Should we, uhm, maybe call Cris and them?”
Eli asked.

“No,” whispered Devi, “no one else.”

“Okay baby, we won’t call anyone else,” Seth
replied quietly.

We all went back to waiting after that, Eli
or Sam leaving every now and then to take phone calls, Xavier going
to get everyone coffee that no one drank. We waited and we waited
to find out if he would survive.

I didn’t know how much more I could take of
not knowing, of not doing anything. I looked down at my watch and
realized it was mid-morning and I had been here for four hours.
What was taking so long?

“I’m going to call Ash and check on the
kids,” I murmured.

Seth nodded. “Thank you,” he whispered back.
I wasn’t sure if Devi even heard us, or realized we were there at
this point.

I walked out into the hall and found X and
Sam arguing.

“I don’t care that you don’t want her here,
Devi does. She said she wanted her best friend here with her, that
Drake would want her here. I don’t know about you, but I am not
about to tell her she can’t have something right now,” said Xavier
nearly yelling.

“She’s the reason he’s here,” growled
Sam.

“No, he’s here because that fucking bastard
decided to go out to a frat party and get drunk then get into his
truck and drive,” Xavier gritted between his teeth. “That’s why
Drake is here, and if he heard you trying to put this off on her he
would kick your ass.”

“But he’s not here, he’s not here because she
was a cold hearted bitch to him, because she…” he trailed off when
he noticed me standing there.

“Go ahead, say it Sam, can’t be any worse
than what I already think about myself,” I whispered.

He turned and stormed out, we watched him go,
then Xavier turned to me.

“Maybe I should go,” I said.

“No, Devi wanted you here, that’s all that
fucking matters right now.”

“Okay,” I replied quietly. “I’m going to call
Ash and check on the kids.”