Authors: Nancy Adams
Smiling, Sarah lifted the bowl and cradled it against her chest. “Well, that’s great. So, tell me more about your business,” she headed towards the den with the TV. “How’s that going?”
“Well,” Bruce sucked in a deep breath. “It’s construction so,” he shrugged, “that’s always a good industry to work in.”
Sarah nodded and let her body sink into the couch as she sat down. “Are you thinking of coming to Nashville?” She popped the kettle corn into her mouth easily.
Bruce took another handful of the kettle corn to himself and joined Sarah on the couch. He left space between them, but hiked a leg onto the cushions lazily. Sarah chuckled.
“Go ahead and make yourself at home,” she commented loosely. Bruce glanced down at his leg, but didn’t move it. Instead, he smiled and tossed more kettle corn into his mouth.
“So are you thinking of moving?” Sarah watched him closely. She didn’t know what she wanted his answer to be. He smiled and shrugged. “Okay,” Sarah chuckled uneasily, “you know that’s not an answer, right?”
“I know,” he chewed lazily, and then yawned. Sarah’s falling smile turned into a scowl.
“You don’t want to talk about it?” She tried fishing for more information. Bruce laughed and shook his head.
“No, we can. I don’t mind,” he tossed more kernels into his mouth, his grin growing with every grimace Sarah made.
“You’re not talking though,” Sarah said with frustration.
“I know,” Bruce laughed and leaned forward, towards Sarah. Her agitation caught in her throat as he edged over his leg. “You’re just so cute when you get angry.”
“I’m not angry,” Sarah snarled. Bruce laughed again and Sarah shook her head. She tried to stuff her agitation down. It didn’t matter if Bruce was moving into town or not.
“So how long are you in town for this time?” When Sarah spoke, she had masked the irritation in her voice.
“I’m thinking at least a week this time. I’m getting new warehouses set up with supplies.”
Sarah smiled. “That sounds great. How many people do you employ?”
“You ask a lot of questions,” Bruce sidestepped the question lazily and reached for more kettle corn. “My business is really boring. You should tell me more about yours.”
“Mine?” Sarah chuckled and loosely felt for her hair. “It’s good, I guess. I make a little profit. It’s not much, but $10K after operating expenses,” she smiled weakly. “Profits came after three years. That was kind of exciting.”
“I didn’t mean your actual business,” Bruce laughed. “How are
you
?”
“Oh, me?” Sarah chuckled, suddenly uneasy. If they had been able to meet together for brunch last week, she would have easily told him that she was fine. That’s because she thought she was. How crazy was it that a matter of days seemed to change things so quickly?
“I’m alright,” Sarah managed to spit out.
Bruce nodded, and then smiled. “You’re a terrible liar.” A chuckle escaped her mouth. It was real and genuine. After a pause, she nodded.
“I don’t lie well,” she admitted with another short laugh. Bruce grinned.
“So your date was that bad, huh?”
Sarah laughed easily and tucked hair behind her ear. “Actually it was…” she took a deep breath and pulled her feet into the couch, hugging her legs to her chest, “It was good. He was nice, but,” she shook her head after some time. “I don’t think it would work out.”
“You know,” Bruce scratched at his jaw, “I know many mothers left behind that have since moved on. Five years is a long time.”
Sarah started to chew on her lip. She kept her legs close to her chest by hooking her fingers together. Her mind danced with the truth of Bruce’s words. The problem wasn’t moving on. It was the pain of losing the life of the mind and soul that had one belonged in her world.
She felt like there was still a place for Adam, a missing place that would never go away simply because he was the first person she had ever loved and the father of her child. He couldn’t be forgotten so easily.
“You know,” Sarah met Bruce’s eyes. “I used to think that we were invincible. Things didn’t happen to us, but to other people,” she searched Bruce’s face. “I don’t think that anymore. Not after what happened. As sacred as life is, I realized that nothing is too scared or needed that it can’t be taken away.”
Bruce pressed his lips together. “That’s life though,” he said softly. “It is what it is, you can’t hide from it. It moves on without you,” Bruce looked away from her and finished the kernels he had in his hand. After a moment, he turned back to Sarah and asked, “You want to know how I felt?” Sarah searched his eyes, and then nodded. She had no idea what to expect in his answer.
“I felt guilty,” Bruce said softly. “I felt like it wasn’t fair, you know? How many times had I deployed and I made it back safely and then picked up rank. Adam was so close to making that final promotion. If he had been a major with me, he wouldn’t have gone,” Bruce stared at the floor in front of his feet.
“It would have been easy if our places had been swapped,” Bruce muttered.
“Oh don’t say that,” Sarah said quickly, reaching for his arm. Bruce met her eyes.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if you had thought it though, right? You did think about it, didn’t you?” Bruce watched Sarah. Her face remained hard. “If I could, I would have gone instead of him,” he looked down. “Then he could still be here. Maybe you’d have another child—.”
Sarah laughed and wiped at her face. Her eyes stung with the collection of tears begging for release.
“I feel like I abandoned you,” Bruce said after a while.
“Don’t,” Sarah said quickly. “That’s not true. You lost a friend too—and, me…” Sarah struggled with a breath and couldn’t say more.
“But you needed me,” Bruce met her eyes again. “You needed someone, right? I—I…” he touched his temple, “I didn’t know how to be what I should have been and you needed someone there.”
Sarah squeezed his arm and then rubbed. They had been close, but she never really thought about whether or not that closeness warranted anything other than what he had previously given her. Maybe it would have been nice for him to stay in touch over the years, but falling apart from one another hadn’t entirely been just his fault.
“Sometimes, you reminded me of him,” Sarah admitted. “The military talk,” she lowered her eyes, “I couldn’t handle it…maybe I avoided you because of that.” Bruce smirked and leaned back on the couch.
“And now?”
Sarah smiled. “Well, now, you’re just a good old friend,” she moved her hand from his arm to his shoulder. “One that I’ve really missed.”
“Yeah,” Bruce glanced down, “I’ve missed you too,” he smiled, and then leaned towards Sarah. He pulled her into a hug. She let him take her and melted into his chest. The tightness and tension that had been writhing in her gut fell away. She felt like she could breathe again, and the breath was deep, filling, and refreshing.
“Gosh, I’ve missed you,” she muttered into his shirt. Bruce squeezed her tighter.
“I do want to stay in Nashville,” Bruce said softly. Sarah pulled away and met his eyes. “I hope it doesn’t make you feel weird—.”
“Why? I think that’s awesome. I’d love to have you so near.”
“Well, I want to come here for you,” Bruce watched Sarah’s face change. Her brows pinched and her eyes grew wide. “I mean,” he smiled sheepishly, “if there’s anything you need,” he shrugged, “maybe I could help you now? You know, like I should have done before?”
Sarah smiled. “You should give yourself some credit. You were definitely more helpful than you think.” She found herself thinking of Ruth. They had always been respectful not to spend too much time together, but it wasn’t uncommon for she and Bruce to share a quick snack, like a bagel or coffee. Absently, she checked her watch and frowned. 1:20.
“Is something wrong?” Bruce checked the time on his watch as well.
“Just trying to figure out how much time I have left.”
“That’s right. Ruth’s at school today. What time does she get out? 3:05, right?”
Sarah frowned and smiled at the same time. “That’s right. How did you—.”
“Marine memory,” he said flatly. “If you want, I could pick her up for you. It’s no problem at all.”
“Um,” Sarah’s frown deepened. “Are you sure?”
“Sure. I’ll bring her back here—.”
“I have to go back to the shop,” Sarah muttered.
“Do you
have
to?” Bruce questioned.
Sarah chuckled. “Well, I mean—maybe not, I guess. But I normally work evenings.”
“Maybe you should take a break.”
“I’m taking one right now,” Sarah pressed. Bruce grinned, accepting her challenge.
“Then take it all day. You can stay here. I’ll pick up Ruth and bring her back and we can just relax or something. Hey,” he chuckled and nudged her arm, “I can even make you dinner tonight.”
“Okay, you know what?” Sarah shook her head. She didn’t like the idea of two men cooking in her kitchen within such a short period of time. Everything was making her head spin, but oddly enough, she felt her heart leaning towards Bruce. “I don’t think today is a good day.”
Bruce laughed. “It’s a good of day as any,” he said, a sharp edge coming to his voice. Sarah frowned.
“Are you getting angry?”
“I can’t help you if you won’t let me,” he said plainly.
Those words stole her breath away. Hadn’t Dave said nearly the same exact thing?
“Maybe I don’t need help,” Sarah lowered her eyes and turned from Bruce.
“Maybe not,” he admitted, reaching for her chin. He stoked her jawline, turning her face towards his; but, he didn’t lean towards her, instead, he just smiled. “But I bet it would be nice.”
A smile touched her lips again. She couldn’t resist glancing towards Bruce’s lips. Why was that? She hadn’t seen him but once before in the past five years and then he stood her up, but here, on her couch, in the den, sitting with him didn’t feel awkward or odd anymore at all. Instead, it felt a little…right. She hadn’t been able to discuss Adam with Dave so easily…
Yes, Dave had been a good start, but it felt good not to have to explain her whole past to someone. Bruce just knew it. He knew what it had been like for her. He had known her other half, Adam. He had seen her whole, and then he had seen her incomplete and yet, she didn’t feel like it had changed his thoughts of her in the slightest bit.
“Okay,” Sarah smiled weakly and pulled more hair behind her ear. After a moment, she pointed towards the TV screen. “Do you want to watch a movie with me?” It seemed like such a childish suggestion, like a high school question to a real man; but, Bruce smiled and nodded quickly.
“I’d love to.”
They settled on an old action flick, Battle: Los Angeles. It wasn’t exactly the type of movie someone would expect Sarah to enjoy, but honestly, it was among one her favorites. The way the Marines were depicted always made her wonder what the final attack her husband had endured must have been like.
She wondered if it had been anything like the young lieutenant who had sacrificed his life to save the rest of those in his detail. In the movie, that man had left behind his pregnant wife. Sarah had often fanaticized about whether or not her husband was the type to do the same thing. She never thought long about it though, because she knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was.
She received a message during the movie, and fought the urge to look. It could be from anyone. Becky at the shop, a random email, or Dave. Just knowing an unanswered message was sitting in her phone prickled the hair on her neck, but she kept her calm. Bruce didn’t even seem to notice.
He left before the end of the movie with directions that Sarah had given him and a handwritten letter with her permission to pick her daughter up. She anticipated a call from the school to confirm that he had the authority to collect her child. As soon as the front doors closed behind Bruce, Sarah scrambled for her phone to check the message.
To her surprise, it was a text from Bruce. She wasn’t sure how he had managed that one, but it was nothing more than a smiley face. She sat on the couch, mulling over the text he must have sent her while they were watching the movie when another came through, an email. It was from Dave.
Not Sure How to Feel
Sarah had to prepare herself mentally and she wasn’t even aware that she was doing it. She took deep, calming breaths, closing her eyes and trying to steady her soul. She already knew how Dave would play out. Still, his message intrigued her. When her heart had calmed down, she opened the email.
Sorry I’ve been silent the past couple of days. I want to explain everything to you, but I can’t at the moment. I will be going out of town for a few days, but should be back within a week. I’d like to see you again when I return. I’ll be in touch,
Dave
Sarah read the message several more times. She had a habit of doing that. She didn’t know what she expected, really. The message never changed. What did he have to explain that his silence didn’t already make painfully clear? And going out of town?
Does he think I’m an idiot?
She grumbled beneath her breath and closed out of the email application. She was certain that she didn’t want to be involved with someone who had so many secrets. That just wasn’t a good way to start any relationship. Still, she couldn’t deny that finally receiving a message from him had filled her body with a sense of release; but in the next moment, she thought of how Bruce insisted he spent the evening with them.
She still wasn’t sure how she was supposed to feel about that. She really didn’t want him there, but his comment to her had made her feel a little guilty. It was clear that he only wanted to spend time with her.
It felt good knowing someone personal again, someone who had known that part of her life. She couldn’t deny that. But, on the other hand, she had never really spent a lot of one on one time with Bruce before either. He always the available bachelor that complimented her husband’s tours and terms of service.
Sarah stood and began to tidy up the den. If Bruce was going to be staying the evening, she didn’t want her house looking a mess. She folded throws and stored them away and left a few out, spread precariously over arm chairs to create a nice, welcoming atmosphere.
In the kitchen, she began to swap out the dishes from the dishwasher. Her mind fell blank to the point where she thought of nothing and only moved on autopilot. She did that often. Wake up, eat and watch the news, shower and get dressed, drop Ruth off at school, open the shop…
It was the same thing most days, every day. That routine saved her. She used to think about moving on and trying out dating, maybe two or three years ago, but as Ruth started going to school, bringing along its own set of problems, Sarah decided that sticking to a routine was better. It was predictable, and for her, that meant it was something she could easily handle.
Sarah managed to keep herself busy for a good 15 minutes. Afterwards, she started pacing back and forth in the kitchen. After twenty minutes, her fingers started to itch and tingle for her phone. Bruce should have been arriving soon. Instead, Sarah had to wait another 10 minutes.
By the time he arrived, she had moved to the front living room to pace. Ruth bounded through the door with ease and Bruce stayed by the front door.
“Sorry, I’m a little late,” he said with a cheeky grin. “I stopped and got her a burger from McDonalds.”
Sarah frowned. “We don’t even eat McDonalds.”
“She almost didn’t get in the car with me,” Bruce said with a weak laugh. “That’s some girl you raised.”
Sarah chuckled and scratched at her arm. “I thought the school would call me or something.”
“The letter you gave me sufficed,” he took a deep breath and placed his hands on his hips. “Ruth read it too and decided she could trust me too.” The unease was back and Sarah wasn’t quite sure why.
“Well, do you want to come in?” Sarah asked. Bruce was standing just in front of the closed storm door with the main door still wide open. Light streamed in from outside and around his body. He smiled weakly.
“Actually, while I was gone, I got another call from some of my workers. They need me at the warehouses,” he watched Sarah’s face carefully. “I hate that this keeps happening.”
“Oh, well,” Sarah shrugged, “it’s okay. I mean, I’ll just take the evening with Ruth anyway. I’m normally just,” she paused, wondering for a second if she were giving away too much information. “You know, I’m normally at the shop anyway working until around six.” Grinning, Bruce ran a hand through his loose hair and stepped towards Sarah.
“You’re such a hard worker,” he smiled, and then he took another step towards Sarah. His sudden proximity made her hold her breath. Her body stiffened. He stepped into her personal space and wrapped a hand around her waist. She remained stiff as he hugged her.
“You’re not alone,” he whispered, turning towards her temple. Sarah looked down and turned her head away from his. “I just want you to know that,” Bruce continued, “you’re not alone, okay?” He kissed her temple, perhaps like one might kiss their sister or best friend—she wasn’t exactly sure but his lips definitely lingered against her skin.
“I’ll call you tomorrow or something, okay?” Bruce pulled back and gave a last, parting wave before he turned and let himself out the house.
“Who is that guy?”
Sarah turned at the sound of her daughter’s voice. “That was your father’s best friend.” Ruth’s face changed at the information, but a scowl remained.
“I don’t like him,” she said plainly. Sarah chuckled and ignored the offense that sprouted in her gut.
“He was there for me when I needed him most,” Sarah said, forcing a brighter smile. When Ruth’s look failed to change, Sarah’s smile faded. “He’s a great friend of your father. He knew him. The two worked together.”
“I still don’t like him—.”
“You don’t even know him,” Sarah fired back. She instantly felt sick. There was no worse feeling than how she felt when she argued with her young daughter. Ruth wasn’t fazed. She shrugged.
“He kept pushing to take me to McDonalds. I’m not a little kid anymore.” At that, Sarah laughed fully. She couldn’t stop herself, even after she saw the look of disgust on Ruth’s face.
“I’m sorry,” Sarah said between breaths, “it’s just that you wanted an ice cream cone just last week—.”
“There’s a difference between ice cream and some disgusting happy meal from McDonalds.”
Slowly, Sarah’s face fell. Somehow, Ruth had been greatly offended. “He got you a happy meal?”
“He tried.”
Frowning, Sarah shrugged. “Sometimes he came over and we’d have breakfast together.”
“Did I like him then?” Ruth asked, curiously. Although Sarah knew her daughter meant it as an innocent question, her bluntness still had its effect on her.
“I don’t know,” Sarah mused. She tried to think about the three-year-old Ruth, the one that always had a thought about everything, even the color of the clothes she picked out for herself.
Sarah rarely saw Bruce when Ruth wasn’t around, but she couldn’t remember if he had ever interacted with her daughter or not. He must have, it would be odd if he never did, but she just couldn’t remember.
I’ll have to check my old photos…
“I think so,” Sarah finally answered. Ruth’s face relaxed.
“Where’s Dave been?” Ruth asked after another moment. Since Saturday evening, Sarah had been careful not to mention him or say his name, but Ruth hadn’t gotten the memo. She asked about him every day, often more than once.
“Working,” Sarah cleared her throat. “He said he is going out of town,” she forced a tight smile, “I don’t think we’ll see him again, baby.”
“Why not?” Ruth crossed her arms. She lingered beside the small strip of staircase banister that led to the top half floor of the house. Ruth leaned against the railing and waiting patiently for Sarah to answer; but, Sarah didn’t have an answer for her daughter. Dave said he wanted to speak with her when he came back into town, but Sarah wasn’t going to entertain that thought in the least bit.
“You know,” Sarah sighed. “You’ll understand when you’re older,” she hated defaulting to that line. It was the worst thing she could ever do when it came to being open and honest with her daughter, but she wasn’t going to give this conversation any more attention.
No sooner than the words had slipped from her mouth, Sarah saw Ruth’s demeanor change, as if she could visibly see her daughter retreating behind her stone wall and metal doors. Ruth’s eyes narrowed and her lips pressed together until pencil thin.
“What’s for dinner,” Ruth changed the topic. Sarah scratched her head. She hadn’t thought of that yet.
“Pizza?”
Ruth’s face didn’t change. She just turned and moved up the steps. Seconds later, her door closed and Sarah was left standing in the front room in silences.