Authors: Nancy Adams
Denial and Regret
Resisting the urge to check her phone again was proving to be an exercise in futility. Sarah had already checked the phone five times that morning—or had it been closer to eight or nine times? It really didn’t matter. Standing behind the cash register, she grabbed the phone again and swiped at the screen to see if she had any missed notifications or emails.
She already knew the answer though. She would have heard the notification for anything important if that were the case, and yet there had only been silence, save for the few alerts she had come through every morning for newsletters on small business and trendy new crochet patterns.
“So he hasn’t contacted you at all?” Becky whispered softly at her side.
Sarah glanced up briefly and stuffed her phone away in her pocket. She tried to force a blank face, but she knew Becky would have seen right through it.
“I’m sorry,” Becky murmured with compassion.
With a forced shrug, Sarah flipped her hair over her shoulders and smiled. “I’m just glad you were able to come in early.”
“Yeah, no problem,” Becky’s tone changed. “Just had a test and I aced it, I’m sure of it. Are you going to take the afternoon or something?” She scratched the back of her neck.
“No, I’m good,” Sarah pressed her lips together. It was Tuesday and the last time she had seen or heard Dave’s voice was Saturday evening from her front porch. No email. No text. Nothing.
And he said he would see me again.
She frowned and sighed heavily.
“I feel like a jerk,” Becky blurted suddenly.
Sarah turned to the young girl. “What are you talking about?”
“I introduced you to him. I didn’t know he would do this—.”
“Becky,” Sarah smiled. “I’m quite alright. I’m a woman, not a love struck yearling. I’ll be okay.”
“Maybe you should take a few,” Becky encouraged. “Maybe two hours or something.”
“It’s already 11:30,” Sarah said with a frown.
“I know. But,” Becky paused and lowered her voice, “just take the afternoon and come back with Ruth in the evening. You know I can manage things while you’re gone. If I need some help, I’ll call someone in, but I can handle this.”
As much as she didn’t want to admit it, Becky’s planned sounded real nice. She hated pretending to be strong all the time. Sarah rubbed the back of her neck.
“Maybe you should call me if it gets busy.”
“No, I’ll call someone else. Take four hours and chill. Go see a movie or something.”
Sarah laughed. She didn’t say “yes”, she just began to sign herself out from the register. Five minutes later, she was walking out the shop and within twenty minutes, she had arrived home.
If she had been wiser to listen to her gut, she would have simply dropped her daughter off at school and returned home. After waiting for over two days to receive some sort of contact back from Dave, she was short of an emotional wreck.
On one hand, she knew it was better this way. Saturday had been an incredible day, one of the best in a long while, even on her best days alone with Ruth. But, the reality was that not every day could be a good day, especially with a young child involved. A boat ride and restaurant wouldn’t be able to cure the dark days she knew would come with raising Ruth. Just trying to imagine the teenage years made her shiver. Dave’s short-lived presence in her life was just another reminder that her choice to remain single hadn’t been something chosen out of fear, but out of need and sensibility.
She had to remember Ruth. Her daughter needed stability and a chance. Dating guys would just bring them both heartache. Ruth wouldn’t understand the multiple men and Sarah was quite certain she couldn’t handle another heartbreak—not that Dave was a heartbreak, though. She had barely even known the guy. Still…
Sarah sunk into her couch and pulled a crocheted throw over her body. No, she barely knew Dave and yet when she was with him, that truth didn’t seem like a truth at all. Her heart felt like she had known him all along and the last two days most definitely felt like a heartbreak. She groaned. Maybe it was just because she was a female?
She tried to think about to her single days before she had married Adam, but that was incredibly hard to do. She met him in college when he had returned home during the summer beak of his stay in Annapolis. They stayed in touch but things didn’t get serious until he graduated and given his first duty station, Quantico. From there, he was moved to Camp Lejeune for pre-deployment training the first time. When he was in Quantico, he asked her to consider moving there, so they could date properly.
And then the rest happened…
Sarah groaned.
“The rest was history,” she sighed and reached for the remote. She knew Becky meant a movie in an actual theater, but Sarah felt much more comfortable at home. She thought of popping some popcorn—but that stuff was never good eaten alone. Yet, five minutes later, she was in the kitchen preparing a bag of kettle corn. She almost didn’t hear the knock at her front door. In fact, she missed the knocking entirely and jumped at the sound of her doorbell ringing throughout the house.
The sound crawled along her skin. No one should even know she was home except Becky. She couldn’t think of who would be seeking her attention at this hour; but to double check, she glanced towards a clock on the wall of the front room. 12:35.
The doorbell sounded again. Before the bells stopped, she heard a chorus of tight rapping at the door. Sarah glanced back at the humming microwave and then quickly walked to the front of the house. She opened the door while standing just to the right, trying to peer outside the house first.
She saw a shadow, but couldn’t make out anything else. Pushing the door open wider, she gasped. Bruce was standing on the other side of the storm door. He was dressed casually, but also wore a loose suit jacket over a collared shirt. He looked good.
“Bruce!” Sarah exclaimed. She fidgeted with the lock on the storm door. “What are you doing here?” Bewilderment hit her a second later. The last email she had received from him had been last week when she had responded to his first text about a rain check on their brunch date.
“You weren’t at work,” Bruce said laughing easily. “Just like old times, right?” His eyes seemed to devour her greedily as he stood before her. Sarah just stood.
“How do you even know where I live?”
“You told me. You gave me your address years ago for when I finally managed to visit,” Bruce paused, and then smiled eagerly. “I stopped by your work first. One of the workers there told me you had gone home for the day.”
“I’m going back in the afternoon,” Sarah said quickly. Bruce shrugged.
“Can I come in?”
Sarah ran her eyes over him again. The air about him wasn’t relaxed as the first time she had met him. She nodded after a moment.
“Yeah…sure,” stepping aside, she waited for Bruce to enter. As he stepped into her home, he looked around and took a deep breath. After running his eyes over the areas of the house that he could see, he turned to face Sarah again and grinned. This time, his gaze left her stomach in knots. She closed the door and crossed her arms.
“I was just about to watch a movie.”
“So that’s popcorn I smell burning?”
“Oh my gosh!” Sarah rushed into the kitchen and pulled the microwave door open. A puff of smoke and the smell of burning kernels rushed to greet her. Her heart was racing suddenly and she wasn’t sure why. She hung her head and leaned on the countertop with the palms of her hands.
She knew why though. It was Dave. The sooner she could forget about him and whatever kisses they shared, the better. She couldn’t understand why someone would insist on being present in her life, as he had, but was now gone without so much as an explanation for his behavior. She wasn’t due one though and she knew from experience not to hang around hoping for one.
“If now’s a bad time…” Bruce began to murmur from the doorway of the kitchen. Sarah barked out a laugh and straightened herself quickly.
“No, it’s not you,” she said quickly. She met Bruce’s eyes and smiled. “I tried to go on a date Friday.” She saw a flicker of emotion cross Bruce’s face. She laughed, but he didn’t. “Don’t worry, I learned my lesson.”
Bruce pressed his lips together. “Did you sleep with him?” Sarah scoffed.
“Are you serious?”
“What? I can’t ask that?” Bruce chuckled and watched Sarah carefully. She scoffed twice as hard and pulled the popcorn from the microwave.
“No, you can’t.” She opened the bag and took a sniff. “It’s none of your business, but no, I didn’t,” she shot him a cursory glance. “It’s not all burned,” she said with relief, and then turned to Bruce. “So what are you doing here?”
“I’m here for you,” Bruce said softly with a chuckle,
“Oh,” Sarah looked down. The directness of his comment made her a bit uneasy. “Well, I was going to watch a movie.”
Bruce looked her over. After a moment, his smile grew even wider. “Yeah, you said that already. Do you still want to watch a movie?”
“Or we could share a few drinks?” Sarah added with uncertainty. She didn’t entertain males at her home. She wasn’t quite sure what Bruce was getting at.
“What do you have?” Bruce slipped his hands into his pockets leisurely and joined Sarah by the countertop. He had a disinterested air about him that made Sarah frown.
“Juice and soda,” she said flatly. Bruce eyed her teasingly. “I kind of fell away from wine and liquor a while ago,” she added after a moment.
“So you don’t drink even a little?” Bruce moved towards the countertop and reached for the popcorn. His very presence seemed to make her feel odd…weird. She couldn’t explain how or why. Bruce shook the bag loosely and then met Sarah’s eyes.
“I was really hoping we could still catch up,” Bruce explained. “I felt so bad for not even getting a chance to give you a better goodbye the other day.”
Sarah swallowed back a pool of saliva collecting in her throat.
The other day…
She played his words over in her mind.
“You mean a week ago?” She did her best to shrug as if his words meant nothing. “It’s fine,” Sarah shrugged. She shook her head, as if the physical act would shake away the feelings she was trying to hide. “It didn’t even bother me—we had a busy day at the shop,” she nodded emphatically. “It was better actually.”
“Oh, really?” Bruce frowned. “So you weren’t disappointed at all?”
Sarah’s voice caught in her throat. “Well—I mean, maybe a little,” she started to backtrack. “At first, you know? I was looking forward to,” she paused, becoming breathless, “to catching up.” Sarah looked away. Somewhere, she heard a clock ticking by the seconds of her life. “A lot can happen in five years,” she breathed heavily through her nostrils and turned from Bruce completely. The microwave sat just above a second oven. What she needed were the cabinets. She wanted to get a bowl.
“Five years is a long time,” Bruce mused. He followed Sarah across the length of the kitchen towards the cabinets and watched her quietly as she began to look through them. She spotted a bowl that would suffice, but she didn’t reach for it. Instead, she just kept her eyes peeled to the back wall.
“People change with time,” he continued.
Sarah straightened her back and tried to catch a glimpse of Bruce from her peripheral vision. “You mean you? You’ve changed?” She looked towards Bruce and met his eyes. A moment later, she grabbed the bowl she had been eyeing and closed the cabinet before facing Bruce completely.
“Yes,” he nodded, “I think I have.”
“For good?” Sarah moved to the opposite end of the kitchen and reached for the bag of popcorn. It was no longer searing to the touch and was becoming stiff. She dumped the popcorn into the bowl.
“Always for good,” Bruce chuckled deeply. “No use in moving back.” Sarah turned his words over in her mind. She instantly thought of herself and faced Bruce with a blank stare.
“Do you think I’ve moved forward?” She questioned. Bruce shrugged.
“I don’t know you,” he confessed awkwardly. “I’d like to though,” he smiled and avoided Sarah’s wide-eye stare. “It looks like you’ve done real well for yourself though,” he turned to her and nodded. “Are you happy?”
Sarah laughed. “Happiness is a luxury.”
“What?” Bruce chuckled and reached towards her face. With his index finger, he stroked the bottom of her chin, and then suddenly changed directions and reached for the popcorn. He grabbed a handful.
“Smells like kettle corn, is this—,” he tossed several white puffs into his mouth and made a deep guttural sound with his throat. “I love kettle corn.”
“Really?” Sarah laughed, eagerly welcoming the change of topic. She didn’t want her mind to linger too much on the way his finger had felt against her skin. “I didn’t know that about you.”
Bruce laughed heartily. “There’s lots you don’t know about me,” he winked at her with ease. “So what movie were you going to watch?”
Sarah grinned. “Do you even have time for a movie? Are you going to be in town long enough for that?”
Bruce laughed. “It was an emergency,” he stressed playfully. “I had a shipment of supplies go wrong,” his face fell. “We’re a little late still but everything’s going smoothly now.”