Above the Noise (36 page)

“I was really hoping Calon would be here for this appointment.” Dr. Daily looked down at her watch and tapped her pencil on my file that lay open on her desk. Mistake number two would be making me sit here alone, nervous as hell, because he wasn’t watching the clock.

“You and me both.” Tears burned behind my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. Never in my life had I been a crier, especially when I was pissed. But this damn pregnancy had my hormones so fucked up, I cried when I was pissed, when I was happy, and sometimes even when I was hungry, which was just stupid.

“Do you think he forgot the appointment, Becki?” I knew she was probably worried about making her other patients wait if our appointment ran later than scheduled. We’d already been through the routine exam, but then she brought me to her office afterwards.

“He knew. He called me around ten from the studio and said they just got a request for a conference call with a record label that saw them play in LA. He assured me the call would be over long before our appointment.” I cleared my throat, hoping to stave off the tears even longer.

“Well, while we’re waiting, what did you both decide about where the baby will be born? Have you discussed it?” She adjusted her glasses further up her nose. She was naturally pretty, probably mid-forties and Greek, I think. Her hair was coal black and short, and her skin was flawless, not a wrinkle in sight. I wondered if she had kids. I wondered if she was as terrified as I was to have a baby. Probably not.

“We decided to have her here in Knoxville. I’ll go back to LA with Calon and the band at the end of January. Then we’ll fly back together at the end of February for our next appointment, and I’ll stay until she’s born. Our assistant manager will take over for me when I’m unable to be on the West Coast with them.” I tried so hard to not think about being in Knoxville while Calon was out touring and being mobbed by gorgeous un-pregnant groupies. It was inevitable, but I still didn’t want to think about it until I had to.

“That sounds good. I’m glad you’ll continue with my practice until the baby is born. Do you two have plans to get married?” That question threw me. Not only was it odd for a doctor to inquire about such a personal thing but Calon and I had never even said the word marriage in any of the conversations we’d had. I had no idea what he was thinking on that subject, and at that moment I felt like an idiot, because it was obvious I struggled to answer her question.

“Um. Well, I suppose down the road we may, if our relationship remains as it is.” I smiled when I said it as though I wasn’t ready to choke him with his own balls for not meeting me there. I worried that maybe it was the beginning of the end. Calon had been nothing but sweet, gentle, honest, and present. Present for me through everything—so far. But what if all of this was freaking him out? What if being at the studio was an escape for him? An escape from me, from us.

“Becki, the reason I asked you about the direction of your relationship goes back to what I started to say about the soft markers. When I did your ultrasound, I noticed an abnormal amount of skin at the back or your baby’s neck, and her femur measurements calculated out at a little shorter than we’d like to see at this stage in your pregnancy.” Dr. Daily paged through some loose papers in my file.

“Dr. Daily, can you excuse me a minute? I’d really like Calon to be here for this. I need to call him.” I had no idea what any of what she just said meant, but I knew it wasn’t good, and I didn’t want to lose my shit alone. Dr. Daily nodded, so I stepped out into the hallway and around the corner, where there was a small waiting area with just two chairs. I dialed Calon’s phone number and once again got his voicemail.

“Calon, I’m freaking out. Dr. Daily acts like she’s going to tell us that our baby is sick or in danger or something, and you’re not here. I can’t do this alone, Calon, I can’t. Please, please, call me and come to her office as soon as you get this.” I hung up and then texted him almost word for word what I’d just spoken. I pictured him on a conference call and not wanting to answer his cell. However, he could read a text without the person on the other line knowing he’d been distracted. Then I texted Gracie.

Me:
Hey. Can you meet me at Parking Lot E at the hospital? Please?

Gracie:
Absolutely. You OK? When do you need me there?

Me:
I’m not ok - Calon didn’t show. 30 mins?

Gracie:
Got it. Will text you when I get there.

Me:
TY

Gracie:
You’re freaking me out.

Me:
Sorry. Scared.

Gracie:
Hang on. I’m coming.

Me:
K

I walked back into Dr. Daily’s office, took my seat, and tucked my phone under my leg so I could feel it vibrate when Gracie got there.

“Will Calon be joining us?” There was a sensitivity in her expression that made me apprehensive. I wished I was anywhere but in an OB office.

“I guess not. I can’t seem to get a hold of him. I’m sorry for making you wait.” I glanced out the window and saw a couple walking through the parking lot holding hands. The man held one of those baby carrier car seats. He leaned down and kissed the woman then pulled her into his side. For the first time since all of this happened, I worried I might be going it alone. If I was totally honest, which I hadn’t been to anyone as of yet, I would have to admit that I was not a hundred percent into being pregnant and becoming a mom at twenty-one. I cried some nights while Calon slept, thinking of all of the plans I had that I could never accomplish now that I’d have a kid. I couldn’t travel to Brazil alone like I’d always dreamed. I wasn’t even sure how you could be the manager of a band and have a kid. Do they just go everywhere with you? Do you hire a nanny? Some days, I was less than thrilled to be in the situation I was in and half mad at God for all of it. And now, to top it all off, because of his absence, I was starting to doubt Calon’s commitment to us. I certainly wasn’t happy about the notion I could one day be a single mom. That’s when I lost it.

“Becki, don’t cry. Listen, I know this news is frightening, especially without Calon here, but I want to reassure you that you don’t need to be fearful.”

“I’m sorry, Dr. Daily, I’m super upset that Calon missed this appointment without even calling me. And I’m completely lost as to what you’re trying to tell me about the baby. I’m freaking out, and the hormones aren’t helping. Can you just use layman’s terms and tell me what your findings mean?” I didn’t want to hear what she was going to say. Everything in me told me to cover my ears, but I knew that was ridiculous. Freaking out wasn’t an option. It’s not like I could run away from a pregnancy.

“Becki, there’s a possibility your baby may be born with Down syndrome. Do you know what that is?” I held my breath and nodded in what felt like slow motion and saw little Taryn from Gracie’s class smiling in my mind. Dr. Daily’s voice sounded a million miles away and the edges of my vision became fuzzy. My heart beat so hard I could hear the blood pumping through my ears. I couldn’t breathe, so I gasped for air. This couldn’t be happening. This was a cruel joke, a bad movie. Girl who’s not supposed to get pregnant falls in dumb love with a rock star and then gets knocked up. The rock star abandons her and their mentally challenged love child. And they lived happily ever after. Not! I know it was harsh to think that way, and I know everyone says how every child is a blessing, but this news was bigger than I could have imagined. Blessed was not how I would describe what I felt at that moment.

My phone buzzed, and I glanced at it through an ocean of tears. BLOCKED. I didn’t know anyone with a blocked number, so I certainly wasn’t about to answer.

“Becki, breathe. The information I collected from your ultrasound was skewed but on a small level, which is why I didn’t mention it at your ultrasound appointment. I shared it with a colleague of mine at an institute on the East Coast. I wanted to wait for him to tell me his thoughts before I mentioned any of my concerns to you. Typically, I would have mentioned something at the ultrasound, but like I said, it was such a small deviation, I didn’t want to mention anything until I got a second opinion.”

“I had cancer when I was younger and I heard the doctor tell my mom I’d be sterile. Did this happen because of the chemo? Is there something wrong with her because of my cancer?” I sucked in a breath and placed my hand on my stomach.
Did I do this?

“No, Becki. Down syndrome occurs when a person has an extra copy of the twenty-first chromosome. It’s a genetic disorder, not something you could have caused. However, I’m surprised your doctor didn’t follow up with some sort of fertility testing once you were old enough to be sexually active.”

“I’ve tried my hardest to stay away from doctors once I was handed the ‘no evidence of disease’ status. I don’t ever remember hearing anything about a fertility test.”

Dr. Daily walked around her desk and sat in the chair next to me, which only reminded me again who should have been in that chair. She took my hands in hers. “Honey, listen, I know this is a lot to take in, and I know you will need time to process it all. The fertility testing is inconsequential now. But we do know that your chemo didn’t cause this.”

“So, I have to wait until she’s born to know if she’ll have the disorder?” I slid one hand from between hers and wiped the tears from my cheeks. She handed me the tissue box from her desk. I wondered how many other moms had used the same box when given similar news.

“I’d like your permission to do an amniocentesis. Do you know what that is?” She tilted her head and gently smiled.

“The long needle?” I exhaled slowly through pursed lips.

“Yes, we can go to one of the exam rooms and do it today, before you leave. An amniocentesis is almost one hundred percent accurate when done after the fifteenth week of pregnancy.”

“Okay.” What was I going to say? No? I needed to know what we were facing with our baby.

“I’m glad I will be the one guiding you through this pregnancy. I have a lot of experience with Down syndrome.” She reached for a frame on her desk and turned it around. I stared into the eyes of the most beautiful dark-haired version of Taryn. Her smile was so genuine it brought even more tears to my eyes. I took the frame from her and held it in both hands.

“Is this your daughter?” I ran the pad of my thumb over the glass right where her pudgy cheeks held a dimple.

“Yes, this is my Maribelle. I know what it feels like to get this news. You’re terrified. I was, too. I remember it like it was yesterday. But, what seemed like devastation six years ago has become my greatest blessing. I wouldn’t trade her for a child without Down syndrome ever. You’ll get there, Becki. I promise. You’ve been blessed with the miracle of life, and I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I believe God chose this exact baby for you because He knew you would be strong enough to handle whatever she brings with her. And I will be the first to tell you that I feel lucky to be Maribelle’s mom.” She reached out and pulled me in for a big hug.

My phone buzzed, and I broke our hug with an apologetic smile. “Sorry. This might be Calon.”

It wasn’t. Gracie texted that she was in the parking lot which was good. There was no way I could drive myself home; I was too shaken.

Me:
Dr wants to run another test. It could take a while.

Gracie:
Want me to come in?

Me:
No. I’ll be okay. Thx

Gracie:
I’m not going anywhere. I’ll just work on schoolwork til you’re done…

An hour later I was ready to leave. The procedure, although terrifying, was virtually painless and pretty quick. Then they had to monitor me and the baby for a bit to make sure everything was fine. Dr. Daily walked me out to the desk where I’d schedule my next appointment.

“Thank you, Dr. Daily. I’m a mess, I’m sorry.” I had a handful of tissues and tossed them in the trashcan by the appointment desk.

“You don’t need to be sorry, Becki. I’ve been there. You don’t have to hold back any emotion from me. I felt them all when I was in your shoes.” She walked over to a large filing cabinet and rifled through some hanging files. “Here’s a packet of information and a DVD about Down syndrome. I will call you when we get the results, and I will be open and honest with you the whole way through. Okay?” She put all the papers, DVD, and a box of tissues in a recyclable bag with the hospital logo on it and walked me to the door.

“Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say.

“You’re welcome. Call me if you need anything. I mean it.”

I smiled and nodded then turned toward the waiting room. I stepped onto the elevator in a daze. I felt guilty that I’d been picturing our baby girl with very different features from the ones she may be born with.

When the elevator doors opened on the ground floor, I saw a sign for the chapel. And something drew me in the opposite direction of the exit. I gently pushed open the wooden doors with small stained glass windows and stepped into a small, warm room with organ music playing very softly in the background. There were fresh bouquets of flowers at the front of the room, beyond the few rows of pews. I started to cry before I even sat down. I do mean cry. I sobbed. I was alone, so I didn’t hold back. I needed to digest what Dr. Daily had just told me, and I wanted to get some of my emotions out before I had to tell Gracie. And Calon.