Above the Noise (38 page)

We climbed the stairs to my apartment, and she walked right into our bedroom. Silent. She sat on the edge of the bed and folded her hands in her lap. She bit her lip, which I’d learned is what she did when she was trying not to cry.
Shit.
I hated that I’d disappointed her.

“I am so sorry, Becki.” I sat down on the floor in front of her and folded my arms across her legs. “You know how badly I wanted to be at the appointment with you.”

“Not bad enough to actually be there.” She looked past me and blinked a couple times.

“Becki, honey, I told you. Someone tried to press charges against me for assault.”

“Who, Calon? Who would do that?” She slapped her hands beside her on the bed.

“I need you to hear me out, okay? I need you to stay calm until I tell you the whole story.” As soon as it was out of my mouth, I realized there was probably a better way to have opened up the conversation.

“Calon James—”

“Two weeks ago at Mitchell’s. The sorority girl who asked me to pose with her sisters for a couple photos. Remember?”

She nodded.

“Well, that was a scam. There was no one in the back room, and she propositioned me with her hand down the front of my pants.”

“WHAT!” She stood up so fast it knocked me off balance, and I fell backwards onto my ass. She started to pace.

“Babe, listen. I don’t know why she went to the cops, but she told them
I
attacked
her
. You know that’s not true, right? You
know
I would never hurt a girl.”

She stopped pacing and just stared out the big window at the far end of the room. She was somewhere else. I wasn’t even sure she heard what I said. Her arms fell from being crossed across her chest, and her hands cradled her round belly. Her body swayed slowly, and her hands rubbed in small circles. She looked down at her belly and smiled but then winced and fell to her knees and sobbed.

“Becks! Baby, what is it?” I ran up behind her, got down on my knees and took her into my arms. I curled around her. She shook and choked and cried. I was so scared.

“The baby.” She drew in a couple staggered breaths and turned to face me. Her mascara ran in streams down her cheeks, and she wiped it all onto the back of her hand. I took her hands in mine, but I couldn’t speak. I wanted that moment of not knowing whatever she was going to tell me to last a lifetime. I wanted the worst news of the day to be a false accusation, not something about our baby. Something happened at her appointment that she’d been holding in this whole time, and I wasn’t sure I was fully ready to hear it.

“You’re scaring me.” The words came out intermingled with a breath that was forced from me out of sheer panic.

“There’s a good chance the baby will have…” She took my face in her hands, and her expression changed from fear to something that hung between guilt and sympathy. She took a deep breath. “Calon, the baby may have Down syndrome. She’s got what they call soft markers. Parts of her have abnormal measurements that led Dr. Daily to consult a colleague, and they both agreed she may have the disorder. So, she did an amniocentesis today. It’s almost a hundred percent accurate in diagnosing Down syndrome. She’s going to call us when she gets the results.”

My mind shot back to watching my baby sister wave at me from the car. Her little bracelet we’d made together bouncing around on her wrist. I was overcome with emotion. Kate was the best part of my life for the three years I had her as my sister. She was perfect. She was sweet and kind and could make me laugh louder than anyone. Then she was gone.

Maybe it was the connection between Kate and what Becki had just told me, but I was flailing through a whole slew of emotions. Would our baby be a constant trigger for the sadness I still felt for losing Kate? Would I look at our baby and feel blessed, but sad for a sister I no longer knew? I didn’t even know what kind of parent I was capable of being. My mother surely wasn’t capable, or at least she wasn’t strong enough to believe she was capable. What if I would inherit her feelings of defeat when faced with the same situation?

“Calon, talk to me. What are you thinking?” Becki tilted her head and for a moment appeared to forget her own panic in an attempt to carry mine.

“I’m scared shitless, Becks. But I’m thinking she’s going to be perfect, just like Kate was.” I tried to catch my breath.

“I’m scared, and I feel like that makes me a bad mom.”

“I’m terrified I won’t be a good dad.”

“I’m afraid kids will make fun of her.” Becki frowned at giving voice to that fear.

“I’m worried she’ll have health problems.” I knew Down syndrome came with a whole host of possible issues.

“Worrying about all these things doesn’t make us bad parents, does it?”

“Well, if it does, then I think that would make every parent on the planet a bad parent. Right?”

“I’m not worried I won’t be able to love her, or that I’ll be disappointed for the child we’ve been given. All my worries lie in my own capabilities.”

“Every parent holds that same fear, I think. Because every child comes into the world with issues and difficulties. Some have learning disabilities, some have OCD, some need glasses, some can’t behave, and some are painfully shy. There are kids born with the potential for high IQs and those that have delays. One day those kids will be labelled by a doctor or psychologist. We’re lucky because we know what to prepare for ahead of time, before she’s even born.” Everything that tumbled from my heart and through my lips was sent from something bigger than me because that was the first time those thoughts had entered my mind.

“I love her so much it hurts, Calon.”

“That’s absolute love, Becks.” Becki wrapped her arms around my neck, and we cried together. Our tears celebrated the beauty of our baby girl and all that she was and all that she one day would be. It would be a lie to say we didn’t also cry in response to a fear of the unknown. But, we agreed we were blessed beyond measure already, and she wasn’t even here yet.

WE SAT OUT
on the balcony and watched the sun go down after we depleted our bodies of all our tears then we came inside and climbed between the covers together. It was cathartic and refreshing to get out all our fears and sadness. It was like it made more room for all the emotions our baby would bring into our lives. Quite possibly emotions we didn’t even know existed. I snuggled up behind my sleeping Becki.

“Did Charlotte actually… touch it?” Becki’s voice made me jump. She’d been so quiet and still, I was certain she was asleep.

“What?”

“Walter. Did Charlotte touch Walter?”

“Kinda.” I cracked up laughing. “Well, just through my boxers.”

Becki rolled over, smacked me in the chest and growled. Her fists clenched against me.

“But only for a fraction of a second because I grabbed her hand. I swear.” I spoke so quickly and panicked, I wasn’t even sure she could decipher everything I’d just said. I just didn’t want her to hit me again.

“I’ll kill her if I ever see her again.” Her voice was barely a whisper as she drifted off.

I felt terrible for disappointing Becki. I felt guilty for keeping the whole Charlotte thing from her. And I was uptight because it seemed someone was always trying to make bad press for us. Worst of all, I felt our return flight to LA looming.

There was something I felt in Knoxville that I didn’t feel anywhere else on the planet, and I couldn’t explain it. I fought that feeling and chalked it up to an amateurish fear of the unknown; something I was sure all musicians struggled with. I was living my dream. Or was I? Everything I’d ever imagined my life would be was being challenged at every turn. I’d dreamed of touring and watching hoards of fans sing lyrics I’d written right along with me. I loved that, but if I was honest with myself, I felt homesick for Knoxville most of the time. And, now, the baby. That certainly hadn’t been part of my big dream. I was twenty-two, and our band was just starting to make it. I was travelling with the love of my life and sharing all the excitement and celebrations with her, but she would soon have to pass the baton to Danny and live in Tennessee without me while I did all of it alone. Well, I’d be with the guys, but I wanted Becki next to me. I wanted her at the Red Carpet events and in the wings of the stage while I performed. But, now, everything was skewed.

“Hello? Did you hear what I said?” Her voice pulled me from my thoughts.

“I didn’t, sorry.” I kissed her gently.

“I think I like your idea of a classic name.” Her eyes fluttered from exhaustion.

“Oh, yeah?” I kissed her again.

“What do you think of Abby? The first two letters of her name are the same first two letters in
absolute
.”

“Abigail.” My heart swelled. It matched the sweet baby girl I knew she would be, perfectly.

“Abigail Kate?” Becki’s voice saying her name was more beautiful than any song ever written. Her eyes filled up, and her wide smile knocked the tears to her cheeks.

“Abigail Kate. I love it.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. I missed my baby sister every day of my life, but somehow I missed her more at that moment. I wanted to be able to tell her that my baby carried her name as a tribute to how amazing I thought she was. It meant so much to me that Becki had chosen to use her name before I’d even thought of it.

Our little family. Absolute.

Becki’s hands were on her belly when her eyes closed and I could tell by her breathing she was out.

I decided to end the day from Hell by succumbing to sleep. I fell in and out of consciousness thinking of proposal ideas. My mind kept going back to the show we were playing on Valentine’s Day. Maybe a public proposal would be it for us. I doubt she’d suspect a thing.

Most everyone in the industry will tell you that appearing to be single and allowing your fans to believe they still have a chance with you is good for sales. I didn’t fucking care. I wanted the entire world, especially all the Violets and Charlottes, to know I was taken. My heart belonged to Becki Mowry. The end.

I’D BEEN TERRIFIED
of flying prior to this whirlwind I’d come to know as Calon Ridge. The flight attendants reminded us to have our trays in the upright position for takeoff. I took Calon’s hand in mine, closed my eyes, and relived the last two days in my mind.

I felt like I’d barely seen Manny, Bones, and Spider the whole time we were in Knoxville. I saw them when they played at Mitchell’s, but that was really it. Calon spent the nights with me, and the rest of the guys went out and did what rock stars do in college towns. Their apartment was no longer being rented out, so they just bunked there, which was nice for me and Calon.

It had only been two days since they said good-bye to the Mitchell’s crowd by doing a song they’d never covered before. Calon picked it, and I told him he’d have people in tears, but he doubted me. They sang “Crash” by Sum 41 which is a ‘see ya later, this is over’ kind of song. It gave me goose bumps, because the vague references to death reminded me of Calon’s accident right after he met Gracie. The severity of his injuries were haunting, and I hated to think I could be living my life without him or that someday, something so terrible could happen to our little family. I was right, though, by the end of the song, girls were in tears, and it took us almost two hours to get out of the bar because of all the band rats who wanted advice from the guys about ‘how to make it big’. The guys were sweet to hang out and entertain all their questions.