Above the Noise (33 page)

A loud buzz came over the PA system, causing me to jump in surprise. All the kids ran to the bank of cubbies in the back of the room, and all the dogs went wild with the open space to play.

“Becki! Help me get these guys in their crate!”

Gracie and I must’ve looked like greased pig wranglers because the kids stood at the edge of the carpet and giggled harder at us than they had at the puppies’ kisses. Sisco was the last one in, and we locked the crate. The room erupted into cheers and applause. Becki and I bowed and curtsied to the class, which cracked us up as much as it did them.

“All right. All right. Get to lunch. Go on. Scoot.” She brought up the end of their single file line out the door. Just then someone from Animals Are Friends, a non-profit pet therapy group, came in and left with the crate of puppies.

“See you next week, Miss Jordan!” He flashed a big smile and a wave.

“Bye, Doc!”

The little blonde girl, who’d invited me to play with her and her friends, ran back in with her lunchbox in one hand and pushing up her glasses with the other. She ran right up to me, put her little chubby arms around me, and hugged me with her cheek pressed against my belly.

“Thank you for playing with us, Miss Becki. You’re pretty. I love your hair.” She squeezed me so tight it almost hurt.

“Thank you for asking me to play with you…” I looked at Gracie when I realized I didn’t know anyone’s name.

“Taryn.” She spoke her name with a slight speech impediment which made her ‘r’ sound more like a ‘w’, which was adorable. She tilted her head back, and I fell into the most gentle, inviting eyes I’d ever seen in a child. It was almost like she was an older soul living in a school age girl’s body. My nose burned as a warning the tears would soon fall. I blinked them back. She lay her rosy cheek against my belly again and took a deep breath. She squeezed me too tight once more then skipped out of the room. A tear slid down my cheek.

“Beck?”

“Shut up. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Just today I turned into this blubbering idiot.” I wiped the tears away and pulled a chair up to Gracie’s desk.

“It’s all the hormones. I remember my mom’s friends being pregnant, and they cried over everything. That’ll be you soon.” She giggled and pulled a big Panera bag from the fridge and quickly transformed her desk into a table for two. Once she was done, we had our own little café.

“Oh, Gracie,” I said her name in a very sexual tone, but it had to do with the Caprese Panini she’d ordered for me. Nothing had ever tasted so good. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was. Luckily, Gracie and I had been friends long enough that she knew it was the sandwich that brought out my sexy voice.

“Okay. Tell me. How was the ultrasound?” She said every word like a goof.

“It was amazing, Gracie. Calon and I cried like idiots. We saw fingers and a perfect little profile.” My hand went right to my stomach as I spoke.

“AND?” Her face was priceless. She was on the edge of her seat.

“It’s a girl.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. Gracie screamed so loud I felt my entire belly jump. I rubbed my hands over my belly and laughed until my sides hurt.

“Gracie, you just scared the shit out of her. I felt her jump. I’ve never felt her move until just now. You’re going to give her a heart attack. I have a baby in me now, you need to be quiet.” She giggled, ran around the desk and hugged me then dropped to her knees in front of me.

“I’m so sorry I scared you. I promise to make it up to you as soon as you come out of your mommy’s belly. I’m going to spoil you so bad.” Gracie winked at me. I laughed at the fact that she was talking to my stomach, but it also made my heart full. Two of my most favorite people on the planet were head over heels in love with the little person who swam in my belly.

“Becki, I still can’t believe you’re pregnant. I mean, it hits me every now and then, and it floors me. Floors me!” She sat back down with a thud.

“Yeah, me, too. I don’t know how to do this, Gracie. I’m scared as hell to do this.” I bit into my sandwich to distract myself from the fear in my gut.

“I’m sure that’s normal. You’re growing a human inside you. You’ve got to think about everything you do, breathe, eat, drink… everything. From now on, whatever you do, whatever decisions you make will affect that little one inside you.” She dipped her head and filled her mouth with steaming soup.

“Oh, well, if that’s all, then shit, I got this. You’re a jerk, Gracie Jordan!” I growled and threw my napkin at her.

She looked down and gasped so deep she choked herself. She picked her phone up out of her lap and put it in front of me while she hacked and coughed and cleared her throat, unable to explain. I looked down at the screen. She had clicked on a notification that came from her music news feed on Twitter, and the photo I stared at had the top trending hashtag: #whocalonknockedup

It was from the OB waiting room earlier that day. It was a cropped photo from the second Violet patted her belly and tried to make us think her baby was Calon’s. Whoever the asshat photographer was caught Calon’s horrified look in the split second it took for him to react to her sick joke. The caption read,
Calon Ridge. News of a baby he doesn’t want.

“What the fuck? That bitch!”

“Who did this?” Gracie cleared her throat and took a long swig of her water. “You know her?”

“Some girl. Violet, I think she said. She basically told Calon she was pregnant with his baby in the OB waiting room.”

“WHAT? Becki, that’s insane! You have to tweet something.”

“No. If I’ve learned anything on this tour so far, it’s the more you entertain idiocy, the more is thrown at you. Right now, I can’t tolerate idiots. I have enough stress of my own.”

I texted Danny.

Me:
Rumor mill. #whocalonknockedup

Danny:
Got it.

“You’re just going to let it go? That’s not the ass-kickin’ Becki I know.” Gracie flashed a devilish grin.

“I just texted Danny. She will squash anything that comes her way. Unfortunately, the ass-kickin’ Becki had to retire. I have to remain professional. Besides, I’m too stressed out about stuff the doctor said. People can believe what they want, until it starts to affect the band in a negative way, I’m going to stay out of it.” I blew my nose and wished I could turn off the waterworks. The crying thing was getting on my nerves. Big time.

“Is everything okay? What did the doctor say?” A look of worry crossed her face as she reached out and grabbed my hand.

“The baby’s fine. At least the doctor didn’t tell us otherwise. But, she said because the appointments I’ll need to go to get closer and closer together as the pregnancy progresses, she thinks I should move back to Knoxville at the end of February or find a doctor in LA and have the baby there.”

“You will NOT have her in LA!” Gracie slammed her hands down on her desk, which made such a loud crack the baby tried to jump out my throat.

I grabbed my stomach and rubbed it with both hands. “You’ve GOT to stop doing that, Gracie.” Then I just laughed and laughed at the whole scenario.

“I’m not having the baby in LA. I promise. But being away from Calon for the last three months, do you realize how hard that will be? That’s when I’m supposed to take the birthing classes, and he’ll be entertaining groupies across the country while I’m heavy-breathing on a mat in a birthing class alone.”

“I could be your birthing coach. I mean… well, I don’t know if…” Gracie looked all around her desk and fiddled with pens and papers.

“That would be amazing, Gracie. I would love that. You’re the only other person I’d trust to be there when someone makes me do dumb shit.”

“You never told me your due date,”

“May twenty-second.”

“So, I’ll have to remember to add her as your ‘plus one’ on your invitation to our wedding.” She made a goofy face and squeezed her fists together as she tried to hold in another squeal she knew would startle the baby again.

Jake and Gracie got engaged over Christmas. They called us while we were still at my mom’s. We put her on speaker phone, and she told us the whole goopy, sappy story. The canoe, the moon on the pond, blah, blah, blah. It was a great story, and I was thrilled for them, but it wasn’t my kind of engagement story. Perfect for Gracie because Jake knew how to love her the way she needed to be loved. If Calon ever asked me to marry him, I hoped he knew me well enough not to do something that sappy.

After my lunch with Gracie, I walked back to Calon’s. I slipped out of the jeans I could no longer button. My stomach pooched out just enough to keep the button too far from the buttonhole.

I stood completely naked in front of the full length mirror on the back of Calon’s bedroom door. I turned to the side and studied the shape of my lower belly. I tried to imagine the position of the baby inside. I put both hands on the small protrusion and for the first time ever I spoke directly to my unborn child.

“Hi, baby, I’m your mommy. I wasn’t expecting you, like ever, but I’m glad you’re here—in me. I’m glad you chose me. I can’t wait to meet you.”

I threw on one of Calon’s huge gray UTK hoodies he wore when he ran in the cold and a pair of old, comfy sweats I’d had since high school. I grabbed all the papers from my purse and climbed between the covers that smelled like Calon. I felt a twinge in my core as I thought how he loved my body in that bed.

The thick stack of papers had me mesmerized in no time. I suddenly craved more and more information about the baby growing inside me. I grabbed a highlighter from the cup of pens and pencils next to Calon’s bed and started studying pregnancy stages like it was my job.

My body was so comfortable lying in Calon’s bed. Pretty soon the papers I’d been reading were strewn all over the place, and I was out cold. The pillow top king-sized mattress, high thread count sheets, and a down comforter lulled me to sleep. Every time I crawled into his bed I felt like it pulled me into it just as much. It was a whole new level of comfort.

I could tell it was getting dark even with my eyes closed. But I needed to get up unless I wanted to pee in Calon’s pillowy paradise. Before my eyes were completely open, Calon came into focus, but he wasn’t looking at me. I lay perfectly still and closed my eyes again, but just far enough that he couldn’t tell I was spying on him.

He leaned against the frame of the door in nothing but a towel looking at something small he held in his hand. He stood perfectly still, his wet curls clung to his face. My eyes raked over his perfect body, and that twinge in my core came back with a vengeance. Never before had anyone made my body parts ache for them without a single touch. Just looking at him lit me up. I moved my feet under the covers to see what he would do. He spooked and then shoved whatever he was holding into the pocket of the ugliest damn coat he kept on a hook on the door of his closet. I stilled.

He stared at me lying in his bed and smiled. Then, as though it was part of a script, he started to sing. His voice was so quiet I couldn’t make out the words. Whatever the song, he sang it like a lullaby. He walked around the bed, and I felt the bed sink down and the covers shift as he climbed in behind me. He was still singing, but he was closer, and I could hear every single word. A beautiful a cappella rendition of “What if” by Five for Fighting. A song that always reminded me of our love story. When we first started our long talks, I remember wondering what it would be like to let him
hold my heart,
and if I’d be able to
wear his scars
. I imagined secrets he would tell me, and, in my mind, I told him mine. There were a whole lot of ‘what ifs’ in the beginning but not anymore.

We had each other to hold onto, and now we had a baby that tied us together for an eternity. We were through the ‘what ifs’ and onto ‘what’s next’.

BY MID-JANUARY
we had all fallen into a rhythm of sorts. The guys and I wrote and practiced all day then recorded or played at Mitchell’s in the evenings. We played with Gracie every Friday, and Buzz was kind enough to switch some bands around, so we could play every Saturday for the whole month.

We finished our first set, and I winked at Becki and Gracie sitting at the bar. I looked around just before I left the stage and took it all in. I loved the feel of the small bar crowd, because it was so much more personal and seemingly relevant to what we were about, more so than the large venues we’d been playing. When we first started out with Max and his crew, we were thrilled to be playing for crowds two and three times larger than any we’d played for at Mitchell’s and that seemed to be inspiring to all of us.