Above the Noise (15 page)

“You’re unbelievable. And I can’t believe you love me.” His voice was small when he spoke those words. Every now and then Calon’s tough, sure of himself armor would weaken, and I could see some kind of unworthiness floating just below the surface. It hurt my heart that he might think he wasn’t worthy of being loved.

“Absolute.”

“Okay, I’ll tell the guys the news about the tour, but let me take a call in my office, first.”

“Your office?” He looked around the guys’ messy ass hotel room.

“The bathroom, silly. They will be busting in here any second, and I need some privacy to make this happen.” I grabbed my phone and scrolled to a number I had logged in from Cyan’s contacts. Nobody slept in this town. This was the perfect time to connect with people in the industry. Besides, at midnight, they’d most likely be a little buzzed, which could work in our favor.

“You have to take a shit?”

“No, dork! I have to make some calls.” Guys were so gross! Like I’d take a shit in
his
toilet.

“Oh, for real? Oh.” He looked puzzled but shrugged and grabbed a beer from the fridge.

No sooner did I get inside and lock the door, all hell broke loose in the room. The guys got wind of the fight much quicker than I’d imagined, so Calon was going to have to fill them in on that part. I knew I would round out the announcements with something that would make them forget they even wanted to be on tour with Max.

I made about six phone calls in the hour I had myself locked in the bathroom. I took notes, jotted down names and phone numbers, and filled in dates on the little appointment book I’d picked up in one of the eclectic stores Cyan had introduced me to. I even took a call from Mr. Barnes, who was royally pissed off. I made it clear to him that if he gave us any trouble about the breach in contract, I would personally walk the Smiling Turkeys sexual harassment story into every tabloid office in Los Angeles myself. And that didn’t leave him any leverage. He apologized for Max’s behavior and wished us luck.

I burst from the bathroom into a room filled with stinky guys lounging around; feet up, beers in hand. No one looked the least bit pissed that we’d lost the tour.

“You didn’t tell them, did you?” I pointed at Calon with my pen.

“Of course, I did.” He almost looked hurt that I’d assumed he was going to let me do it.

“I didn’t hear any yelling, no one swearing, no Bones tantrum… what gives?”

Bones stood up and walked toward me with his arms out. Spider and Manny fell into a single file line behind him.
What the hell are they doing?

“Becki, what Max did was wrong. None of us would ever let you stand in harm’s way just to play a tour. We dig you, babe.” Bones wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled into my shoulder. I looked over his shoulder at Calon with my hands out to the sides. He smiled, and I closed my arms awkwardly around Bones and patted him gently.

“Thanks, man. That means a lot.” He headed toward the bathroom, and Spider walked up to me next.

“Becki, you’re one of us. We’re a team. No one gets left behind, and no one’s dignity is sacrificed for the sake of a couple shows. Got it?” He hugged me too, but his hug wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as Bones’s was. “Want a beer?”

“Hell yeah. Thanks.” Spider nodded, headed to the fridge, and Manny brought up the rear of the line.

“Listen, we’re all in this for personal growth and for satisfying our souls’ longing to play. We aren’t in this to make it to The Grammy’s. Got it? We should have done a little more research into the members of Smiling Turkeys before agreeing to play with them. I’m sorry we put you in harm’s way. It won’t happen again, Becki. I promise. None of us are the least bit mad about this situation. Maybe a little jealous that we didn’t get to see Calon fuck Max up but…” He threw his arms out to the side and enveloped me in a big, sweet Manny hug.

“Damn girl!” Bones burst out of the bathroom. “She was in there for an hour dropping a load, and it didn’t stink at all when I walked in!”

“I was on the phone, not taking a dump, dork!”

“Well, good. Because, I gotta piss.” Manny headed toward the bathroom, and Bones giggled. The door shut and Manny yelled a few obscenities.

“My stench, on the other hand, has the wallpaper curling.” He howled again. I rolled my eyes and waited for Manny to come back out to share the new development in our tour. I curled up on the bed with Calon. He sat with his back against the headboard, which reminded me of my hands gripped around them when he had me naked for the first time. My breath hitched a little just thinking about it.

Manny came out, and I jumped off the bed to make my announcement.

“Gentlemen, it’s not much, but I have four shows lined up for you in the next ten days, along with a rehearsal space. You should end up netting a couple thousand dollars.” They all sat up straight and looked around at each other with huge smiles on their faces, which told me I done good. “But, you’re still paying for this hotel room. So, I can pay for my own room. But, we are going to have to bring in more than that to cover this one.”

“No problem.” Bones raised his hand like he was in a classroom. I giggled and motioned for him to continue. “Before we left, my brother donated to the AT fund. I’ve just never deposited the check. We’ve got a pretty decent buffer until we start rakin’ in the cash.”

“Perfect, Bones. Let’s get that in the bank before you lose it.”

“You got it.”

“Now, it’s just four shows I’ve got lined up, but while you’re practicing and playing those I will be lining up the next ten days’ worth.”

“Now, who’s the rock star?” Calon pulled me down onto the bed and rolled over onto me. His hair was in a ponytail, and I found myself actually missing the curls tickling my face. He put his face right next to mine and whispered, “I love you, absolute, Becki Mowry.”

I reached up and took the hairband from his hair, and all his beautiful locks fell forward onto my face. Fuck, he was hot. “Let’s go down to my room.”

“NO, STOP! PLEASE,
don’t take her away from me!”

I woke in my hotel room to Calon’s choking sobs in his sleep. We must have fallen asleep as soon as we hit my bed, exhausted from all that had happened at Paisley.

I was completely stunned by the pain in his voice. My heart jumped into my throat, and I was frozen. I didn’t know what to do. He settled for a moment, and I sat up to turn the light on the side table on dim, so it wouldn’t wake him, just enough light so I could see him.

“Jesus, no.” His voice was a hollow whisper, and he sobbed. The tears came like a torrent. I couldn’t bear it any longer. I lay down next to him, wrapped him in my arms, and rocked him.

“Shh. Calon, it’s Becki. It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” I rocked him for a long time. The sobbing stopped, his breathing slowed down, but he still whimpered every couple minutes. Without warning, he sat straight up and yelled, “Kate!”

“Calon, babe, it’s me, Becki. You’re having a nightmare. Calon. Are you awake?” His eyes were open, locked on something that wasn’t there, and one last tear rolled down his cheek. I wiped it away and kissed him where a trail was left behind. He turned his head slowly and let his eyes focus on mine. He blinked, breathed deep, then closed his eyes and fell back, flat on his back. He brought his hands up to his face and hid from me, as if he was embarrassed he had a nightmare.

“Becks, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He rolled toward me. His breath was staggered, and he was still sniffling.

“Calon, good lord, what was that dream about? Just relax, that’s all it was, just a dream.” I brushed his hair from his forehead. He’d broken into a cold sweat. He stared past me.

“It wasn’t just a dream, Becks. I watched her leave in a car, and I never saw her again. She cried, Becki. She screamed for me, and I could do nothing. I couldn’t move. Her little face was so red, so wet from tears. The last thing I saw was her chubby little hand pressed against the car window as it drove away. The bracelet I’d made her still on her wrist. They said it was for the best, but she was terrified.”

I was stunned. My heart shattered over a story I didn’t yet follow. My heart broke for Calon. I knew I needed to keep my cool. I needed to be gentle and careful not to pry or have the wrong reaction. I needed him to realize he could unload anything to me and I wouldn’t flinch. I’d learned early on that when you trust someone enough to open up to them and they shriek or gasp at what you’ve told them, you retreat into yourself like one of those little origami-folded notes from junior high—all your secrets neatly tucked on the inside.

“Calon, listen, I’m here if you want to tell me what your dream was about, but I’m not going to pry. I want to help you, but I don’t want to ask the wrong question or make you feel obligated to tell me something you’re not ready to. Help me help you, Calon.”

“The memories make me physically ill. Her little hand. Becki, my heart breaks every time I think of her little hand reaching for me.” He wasn’t quite lucid, still in somewhat of an odd state of consciousness.

“Who, babe? Whose little hand?”

His mouth opened and closed a couple times in an attempt to let the story, or part of it, out one more time, but something kept stopping him. He threw his hands to his face and pressed his clenched fists into his eye sockets. He slowly shook his head from side to side.

“I don’t know if I can, Becki. It fucking hurts so deep.”

How could this beautiful soul, so kind, so gentle, struggle with the torment of a demon no one knew was inside him? Calon never seemed to hold anything back. When something hit his heart, he’d get choked up, but I’d never seen him shy away from that pain. He would typically push through it, feel it. More than once we’d talked about tragedies and horrors innocent people had experienced. I watched him process the pain; however, I knew this was different. Whatever happened broke him.

I held him as close as I could get him. I cradled his head with the arm I rested on and rocked him as best I could while lying down. He whimpered then broke into choked sobs. His body shook, his tears soaked the sleeve of my t-shirt, and there was nothing I could do for him. I had never felt so helpless in all my life. Tears stung my eyes, my gut wrenched, my heart physically hurt. He fell asleep, but I didn’t let go of him. I held him tight, as though it would keep his demons at bay.

“Becks? I need to tell you about Kate.” His voice startled me a little, but this time he spoke in a calm but serious tone with a hint of caution. “The little hands belonged to a baby named Kate.”

I blinked back tears, completely overwhelmed by what I feared he would say. All the thoughts that floated aimlessly in my mind connected. He and Chloe had a baby before she died. I didn’t want him to say it. It would change everything. A couple tears fell, and I couldn’t react fast enough to hide them.

“Sorry.” I wiped them away and cleared my throat. I sat up straight and wrapped my arms around my bent legs.

“Why are you crying?” His demeanor changed instantly. He went right into protective mode.

“I think I know what you’re going to say, and I don’t know what to do with it. Dammit, Calon. I just let my guard down and fell in love with you, and
now
you decide to tell me you and Chloe had a baby?” I hid my face against my knees and held my breath so the sobs couldn’t get out.

“Chloe and I didn’t have a baby. Kate was… is my sister, not my daughter.” He picked up my face toward his, scooted up onto his knees and sat back on his heels. He kissed me gently and smiled. “Babe, if I had a child, you would know. Kate is my sister.”

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry for jumping to conclusions, Calon.” I had a hard time catching my breath. I was so relieved but at the same time hated that had my assumption been correct, it really may have changed everything.

“Becki, my baby sister Kate was born when I was three. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. She took my mind off the lack of connection I felt with my mom. I remember my mom being real frustrated with Kate as an infant, and by the time she was a toddler, my mom’s nerves were rubbed raw. She had no more patience and didn’t even try to understand her own daughter. Kate had Down syndrome. She was a gorgeous baby; big blue eyes, blonde hair, and a wide smile that would melt your heart. But, she needed more than my mom could give her. My mom gave up. She just gave up.” Calon looked down and took my hands in his.