Above the Noise (10 page)

“He pressed her tight against the mirrored wall of the elevator, leaned down just far enough to reach under her thighs and lift her so her tight ass was above his hips. His pants fell to the floor, and before the change that jingled across the floor stopped spinning, he was inside her. With each thrust he pounded into her, she let out a whimper until the thrusts quickened and they shattered from a climax so intense they crumbled to the floor, spent and drenched in lust.”

I stared up at his face. He waved three long fingers between us. My mouth hung open like an idiot, and I had no smart comeback, no sarcastic stab. I was speechless, and my panties were soaked. I sat up and continued to gawk.

“Roll over, you cocky son of a bitch, you won.” He flashed that flawless smile that undid me a little further each time I saw it and lifted his shirt over his head then laid face down on my bed. I straddled him to rub his back. I knew just a few rolls of my hips and I’d come right there as I sat on his ass.

I SMILED AT
the memory, swiped my keycard, and walked into my room. It was dark and cold inside. My smile faded when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror that took up most of the wall of the entry hallway. My face was sad, and my eyes held a confusion I wasn’t sure even I could pinpoint. I threw the bags I’d grabbed from the guys’ room onto the floor and kicked off my shoes. I bolted both locks on the door and walked across the cold tile of the bathroom. Another mirror.
Dammit.
I turned on the water and looked at my reflection staring back at me. I watched as the steam erased me completely.

I stood motionless under the hot water. I wished the water that streamed down over me and left red hot trails, could erase the confusion in my heart as easily as the steam had erased my reflection. Part of me loved that Calon took on the knight in shining armor role, but a bigger part of me was pissed that he assumed I
needed
him to do that. I don’t need anyone. And I don’t ever want to feel like someone’s belonging. There was a big difference between belonging and
being
a belonging. I didn’t mind the former, but I despised the latter.

I could hear my phone vibrate on the bathroom counter, but it wasn’t going to pull me from the state I was in. I’d never felt so into someone, but, at the same time, I felt so alone. I never expected I’d allow a relationship leave me feeling on edge and unsure. Maybe it was just me. I needed a good Gracie fix. I finished my shower at a quicker pace than I’d started it. I wrapped my hair in one puffy white towel and my body in another then grabbed my phone. There were thirteen missed calls, all from Calon. I dialed Gracie and jumped under the covers of the one lonely bed in my lonely room.

“Becki? You okay?” Her voice was gravelly, and I realized what time it was.

“Gracie, I’m so sorry. I had no idea it was after two o’clock. Go to sleep. I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Becki, it’s okay. We were watching a movie, and I fell asleep on the couch. It’s a blow ‘em up, blood and guts one, anyway. I’d be happy to leave Jake and Sam to their testosterone fest.” I heard her whisper something, then it sounded like she jogged back to his bedroom. “Okay. I’m all ears. I’ve had a quick power nap, so I’m wide awake.”

“So, tonight, Calon beat the shit out of Max, the lead singer of Smiling Turkeys, because he saw him make a move on me at a bar tonight.”

“Oh, Becki, that had to be the hottest thing ever.” She made a
Mmm
sound under her breath.

“It wasn’t. Well, it was. But I got pissed and left. Took a taxi alone back to the hotel and got myself my own room. I am livid. Like I can’t handle a lanky guy with wandering hands?” I leaned forward and rested my forehead on the duvet cover that draped across my bended knees.

“Becki, stop. You realize where all this is coming from, right? You can see that, can’t you?”

“I… huh? I don’t know what you mean. Do I? Should I?” My head pounded, and I was lost in the thought that I could be so unaware of what was going on inside me while Gracie could hit it right on the head.

“Becki, think about it. Remember how Jesse was?” A set of deep brown eyes flashed into my mind, and I could almost hear his voice saying my name. Jesse was my high school boyfriend, and he was incredibly possessive. He beat up more than one guy just for looking at me for too long in the hallway. He sent Jonathan Terrence to the hospital after he went into a seizure during one of Jesse’s insane smack downs. It disgusted me.

“But, Gracie, Calon is nothing like Jesse. God, Jesse was sixteen. Calon’s twenty-two.” I rubbed my head and tried to focus.

“You’re right. He doesn’t even compare to the man Calon is. But what happened tonight may have triggered your memories of Jesse, which in turn triggered a Jesse reaction. You’ve gotta let your guard down with Calon, Becki. You’ll destroy him if you don’t let him in. He’s super intuitive but also doesn’t believe he deserves good things, and, trust me, you are the goodest thing he knows.”

“Goodest? Really, smart girl?” I laughed out loud and wiped what looked a lot like a tear from my cheekbone.

“Just seeing if you’re paying attention. Becki, promise me that if you can’t bare your soul to Calon, you’ll let him go before he gets too tangled up in you. The guy can’t handle any more heartbreak in his life.”

“Gracie Ann Jordan, don’t guilt me into staying with your second favorite guy just because you want him to be happy.”

“Get real. Chicks before dicks. I’d never put his heart before yours. But, just be careful, you both deserve the big love I know you both have just under the surface.” She giggled, knowing what my reaction would be.

“Gag.” I rubbed my eyes on the sheet and looked at the streaks of residual mascara I left behind. “So you think I overreacted.”

“I do, Becki, but not because you chose to. It’s just something you’re gonna have to get through together. Calon’s reaction was based on his past, too. He’s had to protect the women in his life from some pretty nasty situations, and I am sure it was a gut reaction for him to want to kill someone who was overstepping what should’ve been a respectable, professional boundary.”

“I get it. I just don’t know how to turn it off. I was really pissed.”

“So, you’re not now?”

“I’m not. Ugh. I’m such an idiot. I’m going to screw this boy up more than he already is if I’m not careful.”

“Then
be
careful, Becki. There’s something big just around the corner for the two of you. I just know it. I can see it in yours and Calon’s eyes when you’re together. You just have some walls to scale, that’s all.”

“Yeah.”

“You good?”

“I’m good. Now go finish your movie.” My voice was more upbeat after such a short conversation. It took Gracie five minutes to translate what would have taken me days. Thank God for Gracie… every girl should have one.

“I’m not going back out there. I’m gonna strip and get under the covers and wait.” She was absolutely giddy over her seductive self.

“Thatta girl! Love you, G.”

“Love you right back, B. Now, call Calon!” She giggled and hung up.

Shit.
Now I had to straighten everything out with Calon.
Dammit.
I lay back on the pile of pillows I’d stacked behind me while I was talking to Gracie. My heart was racing, and my stomach felt like there were a thousand butterflies inside. I usually didn’t let guys do this to me. In fact, I’d never let any guy do to me what Calon had done.

I guess after my dad left, my heart secured itself inside my chest and decided that’s where it would stay. I wouldn’t give it away again. So, Jesse and Shawn only got my surface. My relationships with each of them could have been considered long term but, as far as boyfriends go, they really were just convenient place holders until someone would steal my heart right out of my chest. That’s exactly what Calon had done. I just somehow always thought I’d have a say in it, but I didn’t.

Calon was beautiful, inside and out. He wasn’t tainted by the pain he’d endured so far in his life, at least not as tainted as I’d been. He was kind and receptive and open to the love that was blooming between us. At least it seemed that way. Maybe he was as tormented by his feelings and scars as I was but was just better at swallowing all of it. I didn’t swallow well. That thought made me giggle, because that was true in all areas of my life with boys. My phone buzzed with a text. When I saw his name and the thirteen missed calls again, my stomach flipped over itself.

Calon:
Hey

Me:
Hey

Calon:
You ok?

Me:
I think so.

Calon:
I was worried.

Me:
No need to worry. I can take care of myself.

Calon:
That’s obvious.

I just sat and stared at his short sentences on my screen. I pictured him sitting on the end of the bed in their hotel room, head down, elbows on his knees. My fingers hovered over the keys, and I tried to think of what to say next. I felt like I owed him an explanation, but he really deserved more than a texted conversation.

Calon:
Are you at the hotel?

Me:
Yeah. You?

Calon:
Yeah.

I wished I could see his face.

Calon:
Becks?

Me:
Calon?

Calon:
I’m sorry.

Me:
Thanks. Me too. Are you mad?

Calon:
What are you sorry for? And no, not mad. Confused.

Me:
I’m sorry for freaking out. I don’t think I’m mad anymore.

Calon:
I want to see you.

Me:
Room 227. Hurry.

I hopped up, threw on sweats and a t-shirt from my bag, ran to the bathroom and put my hair up in a bun, then sat cross-legged in the center of the bed and waited. And waited. What the hell was taking him so long? The other room was just a couple floors up, not across town,

The knock on the door made me jump and woke up the damn butterflies in my stomach. When I stood, my legs felt unsteady beneath me. I stopped and took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I wasn’t sure which emotion would make its way out first.

I peeked out the peep hole. His face was so sad, his eyes looked down toward his feet. One hand was shoved into his jeans pockets, and he shifted his weight to the left just as his other hand drug through the curls on the top of his head. I unlocked the door and opened it slowly, my face matching his in discontent.

“Oh, hi, rock star. You wanna come in?” I tried to smile to ease the tension.

His head still bowed, he peeked up through his thick top lashes and smiled slightly. I moved to the side and motioned with my hand. He dipped his shoulder and walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. His t-shirt was torn on one side, and his knuckles were bloody. He planted his elbows on his thighs and clasped his hands between his knees and winced. His face still aimed at the floor. I hated how ashamed he seemed to feel.

“Calon—”

“Don’t, Becks, I owe you an apology. I acted like a dick, and I embarrassed you. I’m really sorry, it’s just, Max. Fuck! He was using you to try and prove something, and I wasn’t going to let him do that to you. Ya know?”

I got down on my knees in front of him and sat back on my heels. “Calon, if what you did was to prove a point to Max, then that’s childish bullshit. But I think you did it to keep me safe, and that’s something entirely different.”

“He almost copped a feel under your skirt. I saw his hand on the inside of your thigh, and I knew what would happen next if I didn’t make him stop. Becki, I’m sorry for my comment about you not being his to take.”

“Calon, look, I’m such a mess, and I didn’t even know it. I thought I had all my shit together and, apparently, I don’t. See, I had this boyfriend in high school, Jesse, who was insanely possessive and would beat guys up on a weekly basis if they looked at me, talked to me, helped me with a project, or anything else. When you flew into Max, all I saw was you proving a point, I was yours to keep.”