What Matters Most (16 page)

“Fine…” Shannon lowered her voice, but her eyes narrowed and locked on me. “Tell me what’s going on, Maya. Does Bruce Glass need my signature or not?”

“Actually…
not.”

“Then they don’t really want you back.”

“If you’d let me, I could explain.”

“That’s what I’ve been asking you to do, Maya. For a smart girl you can be awfully thick.”

“Why don’t you sit back down?” I said as I pulled up a chair for myself. I waited for her to sit and then light another cigarette. “Here’s the deal, Shannon. You are no longer my legal guardian.”

She laughed. “Tell me another one, Maya.”

“It’s true.” So then I explained about Judge Anderson and my emancipation.

“That’s impossible.”

“No, it happened. If you don’t believe me, you can call Robert Bernard, and he can—”

“You can’t be emancipated without my permission!”

“No yelling,” protested Marissa.

“I was never informed of this!”

“No yelling.” Marissa stood and shook her finger at Shannon. “I’m telling Dad.”

“Tell me how this happened,” seethed Shannon in a quieter voice.

“I’ve been planning on doing it for a long time,” I explained. “You know that. Remember when you got into my things back in Beverly Hills? You knew I was working on it even then.”

Shannon didn’t say anything now, just silently smoked.

“I didn’t do it to hurt you, Shannon. I just need to have control of my life. I’ve known for a long time that you’re not always around when I need you.”

“But I’m here now, aren’t I?” She turned and stared at me. “I came here for you, didn’t I?”

I pressed my lips together. I wanted to say, “No, you came here for a handout,” but thankfully I didn’t.

“So…now you’re free of me. I suppose you think Bruce Glass will offer you a new contract.”

“He already has.”

She didn’t say anything, just looked out the back door to the gloomy gray day that loomed outside.

“We’ll start touring the end of next week. I was just telling Marissa that I’ll have to e-mail her, and I was hoping you could help her to—”

“I came to this town
for you
, Maya!” She stood up again—so quickly the chair fell down behind her with a crash. “And this is the thanks I get?”

I didn’t know what to say.

“I thought you and I would have a chance here,” she spat, “that we could finally live together again, like mother and daughter. But no, that’s not good enough for you. You’re too caught up in your own life. You have your own friends. Your own job. You think it’s okay to just push me away.”

“I haven’t meant to push you—”

“You know what your problem is, Maya?
You are just plain selfish
. You’re selfish and spoiled, and you think the whole flipping world revolves around you. Like you’re the princess darling and everyone should bow down to you. Well, I have news for you, sweetheart. That ain’t gonna happen. No one gives a flying fig about you. No one thinks you’re special. And someday you’re going to figure that out, and then you’ll be sorry!” She marched off and slammed a door somewhere.

“Shannon’s mad at you.” Marissa’s expression was serious.

“I think she’s mad at herself too.”

Marissa simply nodded, like she understood what I meant. And maybe she did. Sometimes I think she’s taking in more than we give her credit for.

W
e’ve been on the road for almost a week now. I’m barely past the totally overwhelmed stage and moving toward the “What am I doing here?” phase. Many people assume that being in a band like Redemption must be a lot of fun. And for sure, there’s fun involved, but there’s also a lot of hard work.

For starters, there is so much to learn. And I don’t just mean the music, although I always feel like I’m trying to catch up with that. We practice daily and up to three times a day, depending on our concert schedule. Right now we perform twice a week, but we’ll be up to four times a week by late December. Already it’s pretty exhausting. Plus I’m still trying to keep up with my classes at school and my green column, as well as trying to e-mail Marissa and Dominic and my dad from time to time. Not that there’s been much spare time. Unless you want to give up sleeping, and I’ve discovered that I actually need my sleep.

I honestly don’t know how Allie and Chloe do it. They make it look so easy too. How do they keep up that kind of energy and enthusiasm? They hit the stage and just start rocking out like they’ve been doing it all their lives. And I suppose they’ve been
doing it for long enough that it might feel that way to them. They were totally jazzed to end their little hiatus, and I just hope they’re not disappointed to be stuck with me. I hope I can keep up.

“You’re doing just fine,” Elise said yesterday. Elise is Allie’s mom and our chaperon until we get to Nashville, where Caitlin’s best friend, Beanie Jacobs, is going to join us so that Elise can fly home to be with her family. “Just give yourself time,” she told me.

“Yeah, I’m trying to do that. But I feel like I’m barely keeping up,” I confessed.

“I think it takes a couple of weeks to get in the groove.”

“That’s what Bruce said too.”

“And the first week out is the hardest.”

“That doesn’t seem to be the case for Allie and Chloe.”

She laughed. “Those two—they do seem to thrive on this. But trust me; they’ll start feeling it in a couple of weeks.”

“About the same time I’ll be catching up?” I said hopefully.

“That’s my best guess.”

“I hope so.” I let out a tired sigh. Elise is the only one I’ve felt free to be open with about how I’m feeling. Maybe it’s because I know she’ll be gone after another week. Or maybe it’s because she’s a good listener.

“I want to tell you something,” she said in a lowered voice. Not that anyone was around to hear. We were alone on the bus while Allie and Chloe were on a junk-food scavenger hunt. “But I want to tell you in confidence, okay?”

“Sure.” I waited.

“When Redemption first started, Laura felt a lot like you do now.”

“Exhausted?”

She nodded. “At the time, Allie was still supposed to be taking medication for hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder.”

I frowned. “I guess I didn’t know about that.”

“Well, that was the diagnosis the doctors gave us when Allie was about ten. Now I’m not so sure. She’s obviously a live wire, but when she has something like music to throw her energy into, she seems just fine.”

I nodded.

“So on our first road trip, I brought Allie’s Ritalin along with us. She wasn’t too pleased about it and said she didn’t want to take it anymore, but I nagged her to stick with it because I was worried that her hyperactivity would drive all of us nuts. As you know, this bus is a rather confined space. Anyway, the tour continued, and I assumed that Allie was taking her meds.”

“She wasn’t?”

Elise shook her head. “But the pills were disappearing, so I just thought it was Allie.”

“But it wasn’t her?”

“No. It turned out to be Laura.”

I blinked. “Really? Laura was taking Ritalin?”

“Yes. You might not know this, but Ritalin calms down people with ADD-ADHD, like Allie. But for a normal person—”

“It’s a stimulant,” I finished for her. “An upper.”

She nodded, then peered curiously at me.

“My mother has used all kinds of things like that,” I explained.

“So you know about addiction?”

“More than I’d like to know.” I told her about my mother’s arrest and subsequent prison sentence.

“I didn’t know about that.”

“So, are you telling me Laura’s story as a warning?” I grinned at her. “Because I can assure you, I will never fall for something that dumb.”

“Laura felt like that too.”

“And I can understand that. But honestly, I cannot imagine ever doing that.”

She smiled. “That’s good to know.”

“And you can trust me not to repeat Laura’s story.”

“Well, it’s not that it’s some deep, dark secret. Laura actually confessed her addiction problem to a packed-out concert. And the response was incredible. Still, I feel that it’s her story to tell. Although I know she wouldn’t mind that I told you.”

Just then Allie and Chloe burst onto the bus with two bags of junk food. I guess that’s their addiction, and I try not to pick on them for it.

“We did bring something for you, Maya.” Chloe held up a bottle of my favorite brand of green tea.

Allie handed me a bag of Sun Chips. “It’s kind of like junk food.” Then she pulled out a bag of Cheetos for herself. “But it can’t compare to these bad boys.”

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I was reminded that I have so much to be thankful for. When I consider what my life was like just one year ago compared to what it is now…I am amazed and grateful. Last year at this time, I was still living with Shannon. I was working fiendishly and saving my money in the hope that I’d get away from my mother before her life turned into a real train wreck. Unfortunately I was too late. The train wrecked, and she took me down with her. But that wasn’t the worst part. I know now that the worst part was going through all that crud without God. Without God I was so lost and alone and afraid. Of course, I was clueless at the time. But I know now that
with God
I can go through some pretty hard times and emerge stronger, healthier, and wiser. Right now I’m praying that God will strengthen me for this tour. And I’m trying to keep up a brave front for Chloe and Allie’s sake.

“Are you doing okay?” Chloe asked me as we ate breakfast at a McDonald’s about thirty miles out of Nashville (today’s destination).

“Sure,” I told her. “I’m fine.”

“You seem tired,” Allie said.

I forced what I hoped looked like an energetic smile. “I’m okay,” I assured them.

“Tomorrow is Rendezvous.” Allie poured more syrup over her pancakes.

I nodded. Rendezvous is big. It’s this annual get-together of Christian rock bands, and Redemption has been one of the front-liners for the past couple of years. Also, according to Bruce,
“everyone who is anyone” will be there. I know that I need to be in top form. This could be a make-or-break for me.

“The good thing about Rendezvous,” said Chloe as if sensing my concerns, “is that our performances are short.”

“That’s right,” Allie said. “One twenty-minute set on both Saturday and Sunday, and then we’re done.”

“And then we have a couple days off,” added Chloe.

“And then things speed up.” Allie peered curiously at me now. “You’re not sorry you joined us, are you?”

“No,” I said quickly. “Not at all. You guys are amazing. I just don’t want to be the weak link, you know?”

Chloe laughed. “That’s exactly what Laura said when we first started touring.”

“But she eventually got it together,” said Allie.

“And you will too,” Chloe assured me. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Totally,” said Allie. “We think you’re doing great. Bruce said we’re sounding better than ever.”

So I’m trying to think positively. And even though Chloe and Allie went to see a movie tonight, I opted to stay in, to catch up on e-mail and things. And to go to bed early. I want to be in top form tomorrow. I owe this to the band.

I am so relieved to say not only did I make it through Rendezvous—I did it with energy and enthusiasm that felt fairly
genuine. Maybe it was being around all those other musicians or being moved by some incredible talent, but I just felt like things were falling into place. Kind of like it was starting to click.

Our second concert was midafternoon today. After that we all just did our own thing. Chloe hung with Jeremy (from Iron Cross). Allie was pretty much all over the place. And I got acquainted with another musician whose music was totally inspiring. Her name is Anna Gilbert, and she’s in her midtwenties, a few years older than Allie and Chloe but still relatively new to the music world.

“Your style is amazing,” I told her as we met for coffee. “I bought your latest CD, and I can’t wait to hear it.”

“Thanks. And Redemption is sounding really good too.”

“But different?” I queried.

“A little different.”

“Good different?” Okay, my insecurities were showing.

“I think so.” She paused as if considering her words. “They’ve always had a pretty vivacious kind of high-energy sound. But they seem a little mellower now.” She smiled, and her eyes twinkled. “But I like that kind of sound.”

“I know.” I nodded. “I actually like a mellower kind of music too.”

She looked surprised.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m rocking out in Redemption.”

“You seemed comfortable up there with them.”

“The truth is, I don’t really feel like I fit in that well. I mean, today was the best it’s been. But I feel kind of like a fraud.”

“A fraud?”

“Because I don’t think I’m really a rocker chick at heart.”

She laughed. “Well, you fooled the audience.”

“I just hope I can keep up that act.”

She looked thoughtful now. “Why?”

I considered this. “That’s a good question… I guess for Chloe and Allie’s sake. For the band.”

“But if your heart’s not in it?”

I didn’t say anything.

“What kind of music do you love, Maya? I mean, really, really love. What kind of music speaks to you?”

“Well, your music for starters.”

“Thanks. But besides that. What do you love to listen to? And sing?”