What Matters Most (20 page)

“So you really don’t mind that I perform too?” Laura asks Bruce.

And he takes a deep breath and just presses his lips together as if he doesn’t want to answer.

“Come on, Bruce,” she urges him. “Be honest with me.”

“Well, since Chloe’s been confessing things, I guess I have a confession too.”

Now he’s got everyone’s attention. We’re all waiting and watching him, and he’s looking pretty uncomfortable. Almost like he’s squirming.

“Out with it, Bruce,” commands Chloe. “What’s up?”

“Okay.” He gets a grim expression now. “The truth is, I wasn’t too excited to hear that Laura wanted to perform with the band last night.”

“And?” Chloe presses him.

“And I just figured it was a one-time thing. I hoped it was a one-time thing. I guess I’m a little surprised that Laura is going to play again tonight.”

“But not good surprised?” Allie sets down her drumsticks and comes over to where we’ve now got Bruce surrounded.

Laura is nodding like she gets this, but her eyes are glistening, and I’m worried she’s about to cry. Chloe reaches over and takes her hand. I take her other one.

“To be perfectly honest,” Bruce continues, “I’m not sure it’s a good idea. I know it’s fun for you girls to have a little reunion
while you’re on winter break, Laura. But the band was on a different track. Redemption’s sound has changed with Maya on board. And I can’t lie and say it hasn’t been a good thing. It has.”

Allie puts her arm around Laura’s shoulders now. We all kind of huddle there around her, like we’re holding her up. And she’s really crying.

“I-I don’t have to play tonight.” Laura’s voice trembles.

“We want you to play,” Allie says quickly. “Don’t we?”

“Yes,” I add.

“Of course,” Chloe agrees. “You’re still a part of Redemption.”

“But that’s not how Bruce feels.” Laura sniffs and looks down.

“I’m just being honest with you girls,” he continues. “Keep in mind that’s what I’ve been hired to do. It’s okay with me if Laura plays tonight. But I just want to go on record as saying that I don’t think it’s a great idea. I don’t think it’s in the best interest of the band. And it might even confuse some of your fans.”

That’s when Laura sinks down to the platform on the stage and just breaks into sobs. We all gather around her, trying to comfort her. And I’m sure Bruce feels miserable, not to mention responsible, as he stands a few feet away with his arms folded across his chest and wearing a very grim expression.

“I wish I’d never quit,” Laura sobs over and over. “I wish I’d never quit.”

We try to comfort her, which is fairly useless. Finally Bruce walks over, fishes a handkerchief out of his sports jacket, and
hands it to Laura. “What’s going on here, Laura?” he asks in a quiet voice.

She takes the handkerchief, wipes her face, and looks up at him. “I just wish I hadn’t quit the band,” she admits. “I’ve missed it so much. I know I said I wanted to go to college. At the time I thought that’s what I wanted. I mean, I’ve always been so academic. It just seemed like the right thing for me. And really, school’s been okay, but not what I expected. Then suddenly I started to realize that I could do school anytime.” She looks at Chloe and Allie. “Just like you guys told me last year. Now I totally get that being a part of this…playing in Redemption…well, it means everything to me. And I-I can’t believe I gave it up.” She begins to cry again.

“You want back in the band?” Chloe quietly asks her.

Laura just nods and wipes her nose.

“You’d drop out of college?” Allie looks skeptical now. “What about your parents?”

“It’s
my
choice.” Laura sniffs and sits up straighter. “Not that I have a choice…anymore.” She glances at me and then looks back down at her lap.

Okay, I’m not stupid. I know that I’m the one standing in her way. I’m Laura’s replacement. And part of me is a little bit hurt… and yet another part of me is thinking.

“You seriously want back in the band?” I finally ask her.

She nods again. “But I know it’s impossible.”

I look at Bruce now. “What if I wanted out?” I ask him.

“What?” He looks alarmed.

“What if I wanted out of Redemption?” I say again. And suddenly I am crying too. I’m not sure if they’re tears of relief or joy or what, but I am crying, and then I’m laughing—all at the same time. Kind of hysterical, like maybe someone should slap me or throw a bucket of water on my head. But everyone is just staring at me like I’ve lost my mind.

“I do!” I tell them. “I want out!”

“You want out of the band?” Allie looks stunned.

“You want to quit Redemption?” Chloe actually looks hurt.

“What are you saying?” demands Bruce. And Laura just stares at me with tears still running down her cheeks.

So I take in a long, deep breath and attempt to explain. “I’ve been praying and praying for God’s will,” I confess. “And the truth is, I haven’t really fit in here—I’m not really like you guys. Oh, I’ve tried to make the best of it, but it’s never really felt right to me.”

“But we don’t want to lose you,” says Bruce.

“That’s right,” agrees Allie.

“For sure,” adds Chloe.

“And I appreciate that. But what if—what
if
God is telling us that it’s okay for me to go and for Laura to come back?” I smile at them. “What if I was going to quit the band anyway, you know, when my three months ended?”

“Were you?”

“I’d been thinking about it. But I felt guilty. Like I’d really be letting everyone down. I was really torn. But the truth is, I wanted out. I still want out.”

“Seriously?” Allie looks genuinely shocked.

“Don’t get me wrong,” I say quickly. “Redemption is a great band, a really talented and amazing band. But it’s just not me, you know? You guys are aware of the kind of music I love doing, right?”

They kind of nod and wait.

“So you have to know that it’s not the same kind of music you guys love doing, right?”

“But you’ve made the adjustment,” Bruce points out. “The crowds like you, and I have to say you girls sound great. Really, Maya, you’ve been doing a fabulous job.”

“Not happily.”

“Is this all my fault?” Chloe points to herself with a frown. “Is it because I was so jealous and all that crud? Because trust me, Maya, that’s over and done with. I love having you in the band. And we’ll be okay now. I promise!”

“No,” I assure her. “It’s a whole lot more than that.” Then I explain what Anna said about being my authentic self and how God would lead me. “And that’s just what happened. Don’t you see?”

We all just stand there in silence for a short while. I can tell they’re trying to take this in. In fact, so am I. It’s not like I had this all planned out. I didn’t. But I think God did.

Now Laura is just staring at me incredulously, like I’ve just handed her a winning lottery ticket. “Are you being totally honest, Maya? You really, truly want out of the band? You’re not just saying and doing this for my sake?”

I firmly shake my head. “Not at all.”

“Because it’s not your fault that I stupidly quit the band. And you don’t owe it to me to do—”

“Seriously,” I tell her. “If you don’t believe me, just ask Beanie. She knows how I’ve struggled with this.” I turn to Chloe and Allie. “Honestly, I love you guys, and it’s been so great getting to know you and just being with you. But you have no idea what a relief it would be for me to leave the band—especially without messing things up. I mean, with the concert tour picking up now and then the recording session that’s scheduled for February, I so didn’t want to leave you guys high and dry.” I look hopefully at Laura now. “If it’s possible that you’re really coming back and that I can step down…well, it’s like a huge gift to me. Like an early Christmas present.”

“Seriously?” She still looks cautious, like maybe this is too good to be true.

“Absolutely seriously. Nothing would make me happier.”

“And you’re sure, Laura?” Bruce asks her. “You’re not going to change your mind or anything?”

She nods her head firmly. “I’m positive. And I have no problem setting my parents straight on this too. I know they’ll understand.”

Bruce scratches his head now. “Well, if you really do want out, Maya, we should probably get it over with as soon as possible.”

“What if we announce this change tonight?” I say suddenly. “Tell everyone that I’m leaving and Laura is coming and Merry Christmas?”

“And Happy New Year,” adds Allie with a slightly confused expression, like she’s still trying to wrap her head around this.

“Only if you do a solo,” Chloe says suddenly. “You need to give the crowd something to remember you by.”

“Not that you’re going to be gone for long.” Bruce winks at me. “I think we could launch you into a whole new—”

“No, thanks,” I say. “At least not for a while. All I want right now, all I need, is to just have a normal life. To go home to my friends and family and finish high school and see how Marissa’s doing and maybe even go to prom in the spring. Then we’ll see.”

So it was settled. I kind of sleepwalked through the rest of the day. To be honest, I experienced some doubts. Like, what was I doing? Was I a fool to give this up? And yet I felt a sense of peace too. When it was time for my solo, I sang another Anna Gilbert song. And it seemed to fit.

I
t’s been a whirlwind this past week. Where to begin… I’ll start on the day after I quit the band. Bruce had booked me a flight “home” on Christmas Eve. We all decided it was for the best. But as I was flying over the Midwest, I began to totally question my decision to leave Redemption. I mean, at least I had some kind of an identity when I was with the band. It’s like I finally fit in somewhere. In a way we were a family. Okay, sometimes we were a dysfunctional family, but we’d kind of gotten over some of those things too. And even though Laura wanted back in, I still could’ve stayed on. They all told me so.

And what about the money? I’d actually been earning some serious money. Now that was all over with. What kind of fool had I been? I could just imagine what people would say to me:
why did you give that up?
What would I tell them? Because I knew God had something better for me? What?

And so as the jet cruised along at thirty-five thousand feet, hurling me toward my destination, I honestly wondered if I’d just burned my one and only security blanket. And to return to what? Because that was the other thing worrying me just then. What
was I going home to—if I could even call it home? When I’d called Uncle Allen to say I was coming back, he’d sounded surprised and maybe even a little disappointed. Naturally, he said that he’d be glad to see me and that Kim would be pleased too…but I wondered. What right did I have to assume that they would welcome me back? That I could call their house home?

And then I thought about Shannon. It had been so good to have that distance between us. What would happen when we lived in the same town again? What if she expected me to give her money or to live with her? What if she was using again? Despite my emancipation, she is still my mother. What if I was supposed to help her?

Then I wondered about school. I’d had such a hard time getting people to accept me. Would it be even harder now that I’d been away? What about my friends? Or did I really have any friends? I’d sort of left Amanda and Brooke by the wayside. And Vanessa and Wyatt and the others…well, had they ever really been my friends in the first place? What if Vanessa saw me as a threat again? Would it be like starting over? In some ways I thought there was more to Vanessa than others saw. Maybe I’d get the chance to find out.

Then I thought about Siobhan and our last conversation before I left. She had been seriously bummed to see me go, like we’d barely gotten started in our friendship. Hopefully we’d be able to pick up where we left off. And really, if Siobhan turned
out to be my one and only friend, what would be so bad about that? Maybe I could take her with me to visit Marissa.

And then there was Dominic. I hadn’t even had a chance to tell him I was coming home. Really, what made me think it was home? What if I had no home? All these questions were just pounding on me. So much so that all I could do was pray. And so I did. And that’s when I realized I still had that sense of peace. I felt certain that, despite my mountain of doubts, I was right where God wanted me.

Kim picked me up at the airport. I can’t even describe how good it felt to see her again. We hugged for a long time. And we were both crying.

“Welcome home!” she said as she helped me with my bags.

“Really?” I asked as we made our way toward the parking lot.

“What do you mean by ‘really’?” She paused and stared at me.