Wanted (20 page)

“Vanessa,
please be careful.  I don’t like this.  I don’t like it at
all.”  My Mom says very seriously as I sit on the countertop dangling my legs
watching her cook breakfast.

“No
regrets Mom.”

“Why
can’t you just call him?”

“I
can’t.  I have to see him.  I’ll be okay and I’ll call you like every
hour.”  I say munching on a piece of crisp bacon.  I jump down from
the counter and grab my backpack and sling it over my shoulder.  I kiss my
Mom on the cheek and she points her spatula at me again.

“No
regrets.  But please be careful Vanessa and you better bring this boy home
to meet your mother!”

“I
will Mom!  Love you!”

I
dance out the door to my brand new shiny red bug. I throw my backpack on the
passenger seat and dig my phone out of my purse.  I set it on the seat in
reaching distance and head to Gunnison.

It’s
a sunny day.  The snow is out of reach in the mountain peaks.  I have
my usual skinny jeans, tank top and hoodie on.  My hair is much longer now
and almost blonde again.  I roll the windows down and let the spring
breeze blow through my waves.  I turn the music up and dance in my seat as
I wind back through the familiar mountain roads.  My phone buzzes in the
seat next to me and I glance at it quickly seeing James smiling at me
again.  I don’t answer.  I’m going to have to tell him my
answer.  I’m sure now that even if things don’t work out with Ryan that I
can’t marry James.  The something I was looking for I finally found and I
don’t think I can settle for anything less at this point.

The
drive to Gunnison only takes me two hours.  I guess I’m pretty
excited.  My plan is to just confront Kim, so I drive straight to
Perky’s.  It’s still pretty early in the morning but its Saturday so most
of the kids are probably sleeping in.  The place is practically deserted
when I walk in.  The bell rings over my head and that same gangly kid
walks up to the counter.  I look at my watch and it is after 7am so I
expect Kim to be here already.  I glance around but I don’t see anyone
else working. 

“Hey,
is Kim working today?”

“Uh,
Vanessa, right?”

“Yeah.”

“No,
she took the day off today.”

“Oh. 
Shit.  I just drove two hours to see her.  Do you know where I can
find her?”

“Um,
yeah.  She’s staying at Ryan’s.”

“Oh.”
My heart skips a beat.  “Do you have his address?”

“He
lives in a studio apartment in the Mountainview building on Main.  She can
walk there from here.  It’s just a couple blocks down.”  He says pointing
west.

“Thanks!”

I
run to my car and drive the two blocks.  It isn’t hard to find.  My
heart starts beating fast and my body warms up to an uncomfortable
temperature.  I’m so anxious, I feel like I could vomit.  The fact
that Kim is staying with Ryan makes me wonder if his message might have been to
tell me that they are together.  That he loves her.  To end things
with me.  Either way, this is it.  I’m here and I need to know. 
I can’t go back and try to plan my future without closure. 

As
I walk towards the building, I notice the group of mailboxes just outside the
main door.  As luck would have it, there are last names and Jenson is
310.  I proceed into the building and decide to take the stairs to the
third floor to prolong the answers I’m afraid to receive.  It’s been
several weeks since I’ve seen him and my body hums at the thought of seeing his
body again.  I reach the door of 310 and take a deep breath. 
Shit.  I knock lightly three times.  Maybe he isn’t home.  Maybe
he took Kim on a romantic weekend getaway.  Then I hear feet hitting the
floor towards the door and the door squeaks open.

Kim
peaks her head around the door and her eyes widen in shock.  My eyes drift
from the surprised look on her face down towards the men’s Western shirt she’s
wearing that reaches just above her knees and down to her naked legs she’s
hiding behind the door.  Then I hear a deep voice from behind her.

“Kim? 
Who is it?”

Oh
my God.  I can’t see his post-sex afterglow.  It will kill me. 
I turn and start running towards the stairs.  I’m so fucking stupid. 
What the hell was I thinking?  He said to call him.  Not, I love you
Ness.  I miss you Ness.  Come to Gunnison and surprise me Ness. He
wanted to end it.  He wanted to tell me about Kim.  Fuck!  All
the anxiety I was trying to control practically pushes me to my knees.  I
just want to curl into myself and sob but I have to get out of here.  I
can’t let them see me like this.  I urge my legs to carry me down the
stairs.

“Vanessa! 
Stop!”

I
hear Kim desperately calling after me but I can’t face them.  I don’t need
an explanation.  I get it. Loud and clear.

“Vanessa,
please stop.  He loves you!  Please come back, we need to talk.”

I
slow my pace as my tears start to cloud my vision.  I collapse in the
stairwell somewhere between the second and first floor, sitting on the step
with my head in my lap and my arms wrapped around me head.  I lose
it.  All the emotions from the last several weeks come flooding out of
me.  My body is trembling and I can’t stop my desperate cries.  It
hurts.  Everything hurts.  I hear her sit on the step next to me and
I peak at her from underneath my arm.  I see her naked knees and I
immediately picture his hands on them.

“Vanessa. 
Nothing happened with me and Ryan. He loves you.”  She says in a soft
voice. I feel her hand on my back and I lift my head, wiping my eyes.

“I
don’t understand.”

“The
day you left, he told me he loved you.  I think he felt guilty about what
happened to me and felt he owed it to me to be with me.  He doesn’t love me
though, not like that. I told him to go after you.  I want him to be
happy.  He’s been Facebook stalking you. Nothing has happened between us
Vanessa.”

“But,
what….?”  I look at her knees again.

“Oh
God.  I know how it looks.  It’s not what you think, I swear. 
It’s not even Ryan in there.  He’s not home.  Landon and I are
staying at his place for the weekend.  Landon doesn’t have an Xbox.” 
She smiles awkwardly.

“Landon?”

“Yeah. 
We weren’t, you know….”  She looks down and pulls the t-shirt over her legs. 
“He’s been good to me.  I have nightmares and he stays with me.  Ryan
offered to let us stay at his place since he’s gone for the weekend. 
He’ll be back in the morning.  Vanessa, he loves you and I can’t even tell
you how happy he’s going to be when he sees you.”

“Really?”

“Really. 
Can we go back inside?”  She points to her lack of clothes.

“Yeah.”

I
follow Kim back to the apartment and I immediately see Landon leaning against
the kitchen counter with his arms crossed in front of him and a concerned look
on his face.

“Hi.” 
I say to him shyly.

“Hey
Vanessa.  Listen, I’m sorry for getting involved.  I had no idea what
happened between you and Ryan and I just didn’t want Kim to get hurt.  I
should have kept my mouth shut.  I told Ryan about what I said to
you.  About how I told you to stay out of it and that they needed each
other. I was wrong.”

Kim
walks over to Landon and he wraps his arms around her as she looks up at him
sweetly.

“I
didn’t want Ryan to be forced to be with me out of guilt.  He deserves to
be happy and so do I.  I can’t give him what he needs.  You
can.  He needs you.  He told me he can only give me friendship and
I’ll take it.  I hope you know that’s all it is between us. 
Friendship. I don’t stay here anymore.  I haven’t since that first night
home.”  Kim pleads with me to believe her.

“I
don’t know what to say.”

“Say
you’ll stay.  He’ll be here in the morning.  We’ll get out of your
hair.”  She looks at Landon for confirmation and he nods in agreement.

Landon
and Kim hung around for a little.  They battled it out on Modern Warfare
for several hours. They try to teach me how to play but my mind is
elsewhere.  I enjoy watching though, it’s a good distraction.  Landon
offers to pick up pizza for dinner. After the door shuts behind him, my
nosiness gets the best of me.

“Landon
is sweet.”  I say hoping she’ll feed my curiosity.

“Yeah.” 
She says shyly.  Fiddling with her shirt.  “He’s been great. 
I’ve been staying at his place.  I have terrible nightmares and he’s been
there for me.  He took me to a Doctor to get something to help with my
anxiety and help me sleep better.  Some nights are better than
others.  We’ve kissed but that’s all.  I’m not ready for anything
else and he knows it.  He’s been super patient.  One night we got a
little intimate.  Our hands wandered.  He touched me between my legs
and it triggered a horrible memory and I freaked the fuck out.  He totally
calmed me down and he apologized.  He didn’t push anything after that but
he did suggest counseling.  He found a place for me and we go together
twice a week.  They talk to us about my issues with intimacy and give us
suggestions.  It’s getting better.”

She
looks embarrassed to talk about it but she also seems relieved to have someone
to talk about this with.  “I have nightmares too.  They happen
randomly.  I’m glad you’re going to counseling and finding support. 
Do you still talk to Kayla?”  I wonder if she has her girlfriends for
support.

“No.” 
She says a little angrily.  “She doesn’t really reach out to me.  At
all. I think she is uncomfortable around me.  I can’t even really go back
to my dorm because my roommate always has some strange guy there and she
doesn’t care that I’m uneasy with it.  Thankfully Landon has been here for
me.  Ryan is too.  It’s just a little different with Landon.”

“Do
you think you love him?”

“You
know.  I have issues.  Daddy issues.  Mommy issues.  I
thought I loved Ryan but I think it was just a fear of being alone.  He
was all I had.  I need to pull my shit together.  I have to take care
of my issues before I can answer that honestly.  I feel like the
counseling is going to help me do that.”

“Kim,
I’m here for you too.  I know what you’re going through.  It helps me
to talk about it too.”

“Thanks
Vanessa.”  She gives me a sweet hug.

Landon
arrives with the pizza and I can’t help but watch him with Kim.  He is so
gentle and attentive.  I’m so glad she has him.  After we finish
eating and we clean up, Kim and Landon decide to leave and give me space. 
They can tell I’m distracted and need time with my thoughts.

Left
alone in Ryan’s apartment, I glance around at the space that is him.  It’s
a typical bachelor pad.  Video games scattered everywhere.  Nothing
in the refrigerator.  The bed is unmade.  Looks like Landon and Kim
slept on the pull-out couch where I see a pile of blankets and pillows next to
it.  There are no photos or anything adorning the walls.  No curtains
covering the large glass wall.  It smells like him.  No more old
spice but just the scent of Ryan.  Woodsy and masculine. As I walk around
the small apartment, I notice a manila envelope from a Title company on the
counter.  I am not going to snoop.  I force myself not to go through
his things even though I desperately want to go through his closet and dresser
drawers.  I wonder if he has handcuffs here.  I start to feel my
heart rate increase at the thought. 

It’s
after midnight when I decide I need to lay down and get some sleep or I’ll be a
mess in the morning when he comes home.

I
strip down to my tank and underwear and lay on Ryan’s bed sheets imagining what
his reaction will be when he sees me.  Will he just take me right
then?  Will he take me rough?  Slow?  Ryan’s smell and the touch
of his sheets are making me heady.  The visions of him taking me are
making my panties wet and I almost touch myself to relieve some of the ache but
I want Ryan here to see how badly I miss him and need him.  I shake the
visions from my head and try to relax my body until I eventually drift off.

I
wake on and off through the night.  It’s a strange place and I’m feeling
anxious.  I’m excited and scared all at the same time. 

I
faintly here the door open and close and keys hit the counter top.  It
takes me a moment to remember where I am.  I slowly lift my head when I
hear confusion in his voice.

“Kim?”

Trying
to untangle myself from the sheets, I turn towards his voice and he stills in
the middle of the room.  Our eyes lock and I can’t tell what the
expression on his face means.  It’s a mixture of shock, disbelief, relief
and uncertainty?

“Vanessa? 
How did you….”  His eyebrows bunch on his forehead in confusion.

“Kim
was here…..”

Concern
takes over his face.  “Vanessa, we aren’t together.  Kim and I. 
I thought you were her when I came in because she stayed here while I was
gone….with Landon….”  He rambles.

“I
know.  We talked.  She told me everything.”  I sit up as he
walks over and sits on the edge of the bed next to me.